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News & ArtsThursday, February 25, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: The End Is Near
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Feb 25, 2010 at 3:48 PM
I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 8 months. When we started out, it was very hot and heavy. We get along very well, he is funny, charming, good-looking, an amazing and attentive lover, and all the things I could ever want in a partner. You can wake him up at 5 AM for awesome sex, you can cry on his shoulder if someone is mean to you at work. However, several red flags have led me to believe that things will not work out long term and this guy isn't "The One." He doesn't feel comfortable around my friends, he hasn't been entirely faithful to me, his family and mine do not mesh, and he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about me. I get the vibe he thinks after we get married I will basically fit into his life and nothing I did before I met him will really matter that much. This is a huge problem since I am from the city, he's from the country, we are different ethnicities, different religions, etc. and while I'm willing to make it work, he doesn't seem to even recognize the need to reconcile these differences.I am terrified of divorce and/or marrying the wrong person. I am looking for a stable, happy life, a strong marriage like the one my parents have, and I don't see him in the future I want for myself. I know my life with him would be good, but it would just mean giving up on a lot of dreams of my own. However, he's a great boyfriend and I'm madly in love with him. I've brought this issue up to him, and he agrees that dating-for-dating's-sake is stupid because you may miss on the right person if you're tied to a partner you are somewhat ambivalent about. However, he feels sick of having to tell me why to stay, and that if I don't know why, it's best that I go. I hated telling him how I felt and hearing him become upset was too much, and I just want to bury my feelings and forget the whole damn thing. Worst of all, because I'm not happy, my eye has already started to wander. I'm interested in someone that I think would be more compatible, but obviously I can't replace an eight month relationship with this other person I just met, nor do I want to. I just want to make the right decision. I am lucky to have met such a nice guy, and I don't want to run away just because it isn't perfect. Then again, my gut is telling me this isn't the right guy for me. Am I asking too much? Should I really break the heart of someone I love because I feel it's not quite right? My stomach is knots, he is coming over on Friday and I have no idea what I'm going to say. Am I an ungrateful bitch who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life? Or am I just upset because dumping someone is never fun?
Confused in Chicago
My response after the jump...
Hm... compatibility is important, CIC, and it sounds like you guys are pretty compatible. You get along, you love him, he loves you, the sex is great. Families don't mesh? Eh, that's too bad, but few families do. And so long as he doesn't try to keep you from hanging out with your friends, and so long as you don't try to stop him from hanging out with this, the "not comfortable around my friends" issue is thoroughly surmountable. Spend time together with the friends you both enjoy, spend time alone with the friends you don't.
The cheating (he hasn't been entirely faithful?) and his disinterest in you as a person (he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about you?) are more problematic, CIC, but the biggest red flag here is your ambivalence. If this is how you're feeling at eight months—and if your eye is wandering at eight months—then it's time to pack it in.
1
I was concerned there at the beginning that Dan wasn't going to tell her to move on... Phew, glad he gave the right advice at the end! Thanks Dan!
2
She sounds like one of those people who will never be satisfied with their life. She could be dating anyone and she would find his flaws and fixate on them.
4
I wish she'd given her age. She sounds like she's still young and doesn't really know what she wants and/or is feeling insecure about what she wants and who she is. Early college-age perhaps?
In any case, if she's this confused now, she might as well cut this guy loose to find someone who's more sure of herself. She should probably spend some time alone too, it might help her figure herself out too.
But who knows, that's just what I got from her letter.
In any case, if she's this confused now, she might as well cut this guy loose to find someone who's more sure of herself. She should probably spend some time alone too, it might help her figure herself out too.
But who knows, that's just what I got from her letter.
5
Families are one thing -- but he also doesn't like your friends? All your friends, and not just the ones you know are technically embarrassing but have known for decades and that are now part of your life like the extra two inches of belly fat you know you could lose if you stop drinking and eating pasta but who wants to do that?
And on top of that he "doesn't seem to keen" on actually learning what makes you tick as a person?
Oh, CIC, get the hell out of Dodge already.
And on top of that he "doesn't seem to keen" on actually learning what makes you tick as a person?
Oh, CIC, get the hell out of Dodge already.
6
I agree with @1.
One thing she needs to do, next time, is be more clear about what she needs/wants/expects, which was a vibe I and other posters were getting (@2,@4). Even if she thinks it's unreasonable to expect it, better to say it early on (e.g. a couple of months in).
One thing she needs to do, next time, is be more clear about what she needs/wants/expects, which was a vibe I and other posters were getting (@2,@4). Even if she thinks it's unreasonable to expect it, better to say it early on (e.g. a couple of months in).
7
I think she just needed to be sure it was a good idea to break up but she was obviously going for it. She was clearly over it but maybe this was the best boyfriend she has had so far. I appreciate not wanting to let the best thing go but she makes a strong case without any other input to end it.
9
Talking marriage at eight months?
I'm pretty sure the guy is slowly backing away from an overly needy partner and she hasn't realized it yet.
I'm pretty sure the guy is slowly backing away from an overly needy partner and she hasn't realized it yet.
10
Nailed it.
My wife's parents and mine are polar opposites, and while there is no animosity between them, the only time they ever met was at our wedding. We also enjoy different interests and social groups. She's an ethnic east-coast Jew, I'm an ethnic mid-west German Lutheran. None of these have caused us serious problems.
However, the red flags:
1) "he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about me"
2) "he doesn't seem to even recognize the need to reconcile these differences."
Personally, 1) would make me feel awfully lonely, and 2) will cause lots of grief given that there will be no shortage of "differences" to reconcile over the years. Move on.
My wife's parents and mine are polar opposites, and while there is no animosity between them, the only time they ever met was at our wedding. We also enjoy different interests and social groups. She's an ethnic east-coast Jew, I'm an ethnic mid-west German Lutheran. None of these have caused us serious problems.
However, the red flags:
1) "he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about me"
2) "he doesn't seem to even recognize the need to reconcile these differences."
Personally, 1) would make me feel awfully lonely, and 2) will cause lots of grief given that there will be no shortage of "differences" to reconcile over the years. Move on.
11
I got the same thing as #4 from her letter, which maybe ties into her ambiguity regarding "hasn't been totally faithful," and a few other points that could be big deals, depending on exactly what she's talking about.
She doesn't want to walk away from a good routine, but doesn't really know what she wants yet.
She doesn't want to walk away from a good routine, but doesn't really know what she wants yet.
12
@9 - Yeah, you may be right. Her focus on marriage after 8 months could mean she's either too needy or she's panicking because her biological alarm clock is about to ring. No relationship can thrive under those circumstances.
13
For hers and his sakes, end it. All the questions she is asking herself in the second section are ones I asked myself and suppressed (swap the genders though) for far, far too long, into marriage. It wasn't sustainable.
14
She want's to change him. I know that's what she's thinking. Women always think they can change a man. If she can just hang on long enough he'll change. Move on. It's really not as hard as she's making it.
15
"I can't replace an eight month relationship with this other person I just met, nor do I want to."
Says who ? CIC, don't limit yourself like that. Eight months are just that, 8 months, it's not a lifetime, it's just time in which you have grown and have gotten to know yourself and your needs better. As you already stated, marriage is not something to take lightly and you should only enter into union with a man that you're completely sure complements you and with whom you see yourself forming a family and growing old. If you found someone thats more suitable to your intellect, feelings and your life (including your kin) then don't doubt your gut feelings, it's an error many have wished they hadn't made. Don't fool yourself into believing that the discrepancies you see right now in this 8 month relationship will not get wider if you marry that man, because they will, and they will be much more difficult to reconcile then. See the past months as a learning experience and be grateful to God (if you believe in Him) for giving you that opportunity, and now that you know better what you want (and you're free to do so), go for it. It's way much better than living for the rest of your life with the doubts of what might've been.
16
@15 How come Loveschild can write a coherent, non-frothing, logical/rational post with no spelling or grammatical errors (you even got "complements" right) on this subject, but are a raving loon on teh gay topics? Huh? Huh?
17
Let me try that again . . .
@15 How come Loveschild can write a coherent, non-frothing, logical/rational post with no spelling or grammatical errors (s/he even got "complements" right) on this subject, but is a raving loon on teh gay topics? Huh? Huh?
Helps if I really preview . . .
@15 How come Loveschild can write a coherent, non-frothing, logical/rational post with no spelling or grammatical errors (s/he even got "complements" right) on this subject, but is a raving loon on teh gay topics? Huh? Huh?
Helps if I really preview . . .
18
CIC, forget your silly qualms and grab this man with both hands! He's good-looking, good in bed and doesn't hit you? That's a keeper, girlfriend. He's probably just being polite not wanting to talk about your obviously inferior family, friends, religion and ethnicity -- and once he hauls you out of the gutter and up to the altar, you can leave all those behind and devote yourself to him and the adorable children you will no doubt produce. You won't have time for all this selfish moping around then!
20
I see it differently from the folks who say eight months is too soon to be thinking Lifelong. I was also a bit spooked at the start of the letter. Way to swerve, Dan!
8 months into a relationship is too late to be having a chat about marriage if that's what she had in mind all along. I'm also in the divorce-isn't-an-option camp.
Having a "purpose" to dating in finding a life partner isn't needy, for the record. It's focusing efforts and energy in the direction she wishes to go. She's on the right path to her goals - she just needs to take the action to find the Mr. Right, not Mr. Right-Now. Giving up an 8 month relationship to find the partner who is truly right for her is the right step, definitely.
Having a "why are you here?" conversation early isn't a bad idea. It really isn't.
8 months into a relationship is too late to be having a chat about marriage if that's what she had in mind all along. I'm also in the divorce-isn't-an-option camp.
Having a "purpose" to dating in finding a life partner isn't needy, for the record. It's focusing efforts and energy in the direction she wishes to go. She's on the right path to her goals - she just needs to take the action to find the Mr. Right, not Mr. Right-Now. Giving up an 8 month relationship to find the partner who is truly right for her is the right step, definitely.
Having a "why are you here?" conversation early isn't a bad idea. It really isn't.
21
Having the conversation before say 8 dates though, that would be way way too early. Unless it's a big dealbreaker (e.g. kids/no kids, latex/vanilla, chocolate/mocha) ...
22
"I get the vibe he thinks after we get married I will basically fit into his life and nothing I did before I met him will really matter that much."
I've met too many of those, darlin'. If you think that's what he expects-- and your other statements back it up -- then that's probably exactly what he's thinking. Of course once you give up your life and friends and become isolated from your family, you'll be boring and then he'll wander even more.
Dumping someone is always a bitch if you have a scrap of empathy in you. But when it's gotta happen, it's gotta happen.
I disagree with most here. I think 8 months is a good time frame to be evaluating life-long potential IF you are looking for a life-long mate. Not get married at 8 months, not even discuss it too much. But it should come up occasionally as you touch base with your partner about your expectations as a couple.
I've met too many of those, darlin'. If you think that's what he expects-- and your other statements back it up -- then that's probably exactly what he's thinking. Of course once you give up your life and friends and become isolated from your family, you'll be boring and then he'll wander even more.
Dumping someone is always a bitch if you have a scrap of empathy in you. But when it's gotta happen, it's gotta happen.
I disagree with most here. I think 8 months is a good time frame to be evaluating life-long potential IF you are looking for a life-long mate. Not get married at 8 months, not even discuss it too much. But it should come up occasionally as you touch base with your partner about your expectations as a couple.
23
There are people that are really cool and you date them for 3 years and there are the people that you know you can spend the rest of your life with. IMO, caring about getting to know you and becoming part of your life is one of those things that puts a person in the latter category. Now pick you need to figure out what you want.
24
If you've met someone you think might be more compatible (and you say you have), then don't make this man more miserable by staying with him another 8 months.
25
i think she should break up with him, that's all been covered (he sounds like he's not really that into it and is sort of a jerk) but i want to say don't break up with him to get into another relationship. i agree with whoever said she sounds young, if not chronologically, at least relationship-maturity-wise. i admit to being totally unromantic, but my bells go off whenever women go on about finding "the one" or missing "the one" while in another relationship with "not the one". there is no one, there are just some people you can have a long, long relationship with and some people you can't. sounds like she can't with this guy, and she should stay single until she can get it into her head that life isn't a romcom.
27
Kick him in the ass and lay down the law, not about what you think is cool and compatible and all that shit, but about what it really takes to make a relationship work. For that you both need to care deeply. Sounds like neither of you really have the guts to. Ask every old happy couple you know - I know very few; they are precious - and find out if it was all about compatibility. Most likely it was something far deeper and more difficult. Good luck.
28
I was expecting something more along the lines of "DTMFA" and save HIM from a miserable life with somebody who, after 8 months of casual dating is measuring the poor sap for a tux and scolding him for some unclear issue about dating somebody else at some point in their 8 months of what she considered "vetting" but he may have considered "dating."
30
The whole matter really hinges on her use of the phrase "not entirely faithful." At best, he failed to make it clear that he wanted an open relationship, and at worst, he intentionally misled her into thinking the relationship was exclusive. In either case, she'd be a fool to stay with him now.
31
Why is she so unrealistic about relationships? I have to wonder about her age. I feel like she has some typical fantasies about what a marriage is "supposed to" be. She may even have fantasies about what her parents' relationship actually is.
I'm sayin' this chick needs at least ten years before she should even think about getting married.
And no, one doesn't have to imagine raising children with someone in order to marry them. Not all of us think bearing children is a wonderful thing to do.
I'm sayin' this chick needs at least ten years before she should even think about getting married.
And no, one doesn't have to imagine raising children with someone in order to marry them. Not all of us think bearing children is a wonderful thing to do.
32
The marriage crap in this letter is confusing me. It does sound like she is feeling like a lesser partner in the relationship, and that doesn't sound like fun. If one of my friends told me all that stuff, I'd probably tell her to end it.
But, dude - obsessing over how well the families would mesh and how you'd raise children together, after 8 months? I guess sometimes that kind of lightening bolt does strike, because my dad proposed to my mom (in the drivethru of a Wendy's at 1:00 in the morning, by saying "so are we getting married or what?") after 6 months of dating, and they have a pretty awesome marriage. The rest of us mere mortals should probably consider using a different set of compatibility tests for a relationship under 1 year old though. Like maybe "would I go on vacation with him for over a week" or "would I trust him with my houseplants" or something.
Also, terminology like "red flags" and "The One" are, um... kind of a red flag. She accuses him of just looking for a wife-as-accessory, but is she looking for a mythical knight in armor to sweep her off her feet and complete her? Both are dehumanizing in my opinion.
But, dude - obsessing over how well the families would mesh and how you'd raise children together, after 8 months? I guess sometimes that kind of lightening bolt does strike, because my dad proposed to my mom (in the drivethru of a Wendy's at 1:00 in the morning, by saying "so are we getting married or what?") after 6 months of dating, and they have a pretty awesome marriage. The rest of us mere mortals should probably consider using a different set of compatibility tests for a relationship under 1 year old though. Like maybe "would I go on vacation with him for over a week" or "would I trust him with my houseplants" or something.
Also, terminology like "red flags" and "The One" are, um... kind of a red flag. She accuses him of just looking for a wife-as-accessory, but is she looking for a mythical knight in armor to sweep her off her feet and complete her? Both are dehumanizing in my opinion.
33
Oh jeez, I completely missed the line "I am terrified of divorce and/or marrying the wrong person."
This is raising the stakes on dating itself way too high. The prospect of spending a couple years with somebody who turns out not to be right for you should not be TERRIFYING.
Break up with him and take about 6 months of singleton time to calm the fuck down! Maybe find some relationship role models besides your perfect parents, like a couple who married in their 40s, a couple who are on their second marriage, or even a single woman in her 60s who is having the time of her life without being all coupled up.
This is raising the stakes on dating itself way too high. The prospect of spending a couple years with somebody who turns out not to be right for you should not be TERRIFYING.
Break up with him and take about 6 months of singleton time to calm the fuck down! Maybe find some relationship role models besides your perfect parents, like a couple who married in their 40s, a couple who are on their second marriage, or even a single woman in her 60s who is having the time of her life without being all coupled up.
34
I get the feeling that she's been looking for a way to break up with this guy for awhile now, but can't come up with a "reason". He's nice enough, good in the sack, relatively smart (that's a guess), and doesn't have any really bad habits, like substance abuse, hitting her or hitting on her friends.
Breakups are supposed to be big, dramatic scenes for some people - especially young ones - and she doesn't quite get that she can just be "not happy" and tell the man that she thinks it's over.
What she really wants is permission to leave her boyfriend, and she got it.
Breakups are supposed to be big, dramatic scenes for some people - especially young ones - and she doesn't quite get that she can just be "not happy" and tell the man that she thinks it's over.
What she really wants is permission to leave her boyfriend, and she got it.
35
Honey, once you get married you won't need all your friends. You'll be way to busy in the kitchen and taking care of our home!
DTMA
DTMA
36
"several red flags have led me to believe that things will not work out long term"
"he hasn't been entirely faithful to me"
"I don't see him in the future I want for myself"
"it would just mean giving up on a lot of dreams of my own."
"because I'm not happy, my eye has already started to wander."
"I'm interested in someone that I think would be more compatible"
"my gut is telling me this isn't the right guy for me."
This one hardly even seems worth discussing. Asked and answered in the letter. Move on.
"he hasn't been entirely faithful to me"
"I don't see him in the future I want for myself"
"it would just mean giving up on a lot of dreams of my own."
"because I'm not happy, my eye has already started to wander."
"I'm interested in someone that I think would be more compatible"
"my gut is telling me this isn't the right guy for me."
This one hardly even seems worth discussing. Asked and answered in the letter. Move on.
37
"I get the vibe he thinks after we get married I will basically fit into his life and nothing I did before I met him will really matter that much."
This is a HUGE red flag to me. If you get the vibe that he will isolate you from your friends and your interests in life won't count, get the hell away. Life in marriage is WAY more than just sex. You don't have to share all your interests with each other, but you sure as heck need to be allowed to pursue your own interests and have friends or you're headed for one boring, depressing life.
This is a HUGE red flag to me. If you get the vibe that he will isolate you from your friends and your interests in life won't count, get the hell away. Life in marriage is WAY more than just sex. You don't have to share all your interests with each other, but you sure as heck need to be allowed to pursue your own interests and have friends or you're headed for one boring, depressing life.
38
My advice to him: dump the needy bitch already.
You're never going to make her happy; no one could. Every guy she meets is going to fail to meet at least some of her criteria and she will make you miserable along the way.
Whatever her age, she is immature and needs to go away and grow up before inflicting herself on any other men who are actually looking for a relationship.
You're never going to make her happy; no one could. Every guy she meets is going to fail to meet at least some of her criteria and she will make you miserable along the way.
Whatever her age, she is immature and needs to go away and grow up before inflicting herself on any other men who are actually looking for a relationship.
39
Meant to add that he probably doesn't seem too interested in "knowing more about her" because he doesn't have to. Based on her letter, I would bet she never stops talking about herself. Him needing to ask for more would just be masochistic on his part.
40
Loveschild is entirely correct ... ? That was an eloquent, sensitive response I entirely agree with. Don't marry yourself to the last eight months. I'd further warn that, if you go looking for a husband in every boyfriend, you'll find one, whether it's the right one or not. Don't pressure yourself into getting married to the wrong person, or faster than you're ready.
41
An analogy - I knew a professor who had a single common radio in the lab (back in the days before iPods). She said she could tell when there was trouble brewing because people would start fighting about what to listen to - this early warning system allowed her to step in early, before things got ugly, ferret out the underlying issue and deal with it. CIC's concerns sound to me like the equivalent of the music fights - her early warning system is going off. Now she needs to figure out what the real problem is.
One of my favorite Dan nuggets is "all relationships end, until one doesn't." The challenge, of course, is to figure out when the relationship has ended. Breaking up is painful, so many people stay the course until they are angry enough to be willing to inflict pain on the other person. It only takes one person to terminate a relationship, I think CIC should bite the bullet and DTMFA without waiting for things to get ugly.
I agree that terms like "Soul Mate," and the "The One" are red flags for the speaker being "delusional" about the relationship. I know someone who has an endless procession of "soul mates," all of whom miraculously transform into monsters as soon as she tires of them. On one occasion, I noticed that the name had changed between phone calls - it was the only cue that she had transitioned from one guy to another - otherwise they sounded identical.
One of my favorite Dan nuggets is "all relationships end, until one doesn't." The challenge, of course, is to figure out when the relationship has ended. Breaking up is painful, so many people stay the course until they are angry enough to be willing to inflict pain on the other person. It only takes one person to terminate a relationship, I think CIC should bite the bullet and DTMFA without waiting for things to get ugly.
I agree that terms like "Soul Mate," and the "The One" are red flags for the speaker being "delusional" about the relationship. I know someone who has an endless procession of "soul mates," all of whom miraculously transform into monsters as soon as she tires of them. On one occasion, I noticed that the name had changed between phone calls - it was the only cue that she had transitioned from one guy to another - otherwise they sounded identical.
42
Read your letter again, pretending that your sister or best friend wrote it. What advice would you give her?
In terms of your question, it doesn't really matter whether you're young, thinking on too fast a track, needy, or anything else other posters have accused. This guy is not a good boyfriend. He's not interested in you as a person? He thinks you'll fit neatly into his life, without any regard for how he fits into yours (or even the fact that you have a life)? Fatal. End it, and tell him why. He's got some major self-interest flaws to address. Maybe someday he'll be good boyfriend material, but getting dumped for this now will be a crucial part of that transformation.
And *of course* you can end an eight-month relationship and start dating someone else! In fact, I think you should. There is no "the One," and there is no "Soul Mate." There are a variety of people who will fit or not fit with you in a variety of ways. You may someday decide that someone fits you well enough, and you him, to spend your life with him. Until then, however, *dating is for trying things out.* That's all. It's not marriage. It's not a penal sentence. It's an audition, and if you think this one isn't all that great, do what needs to be done as gently as possible and move on. Better tears now than tears later.
In terms of your question, it doesn't really matter whether you're young, thinking on too fast a track, needy, or anything else other posters have accused. This guy is not a good boyfriend. He's not interested in you as a person? He thinks you'll fit neatly into his life, without any regard for how he fits into yours (or even the fact that you have a life)? Fatal. End it, and tell him why. He's got some major self-interest flaws to address. Maybe someday he'll be good boyfriend material, but getting dumped for this now will be a crucial part of that transformation.
And *of course* you can end an eight-month relationship and start dating someone else! In fact, I think you should. There is no "the One," and there is no "Soul Mate." There are a variety of people who will fit or not fit with you in a variety of ways. You may someday decide that someone fits you well enough, and you him, to spend your life with him. Until then, however, *dating is for trying things out.* That's all. It's not marriage. It's not a penal sentence. It's an audition, and if you think this one isn't all that great, do what needs to be done as gently as possible and move on. Better tears now than tears later.
43
When you want to get rid of someone who clearly isn't good enough for you, just feed them a line about how they are "too this or too that" for you. Compliment them, and be done with them. "You're too smart for me" does the trick in my experience. Not true of course, but it makes them feel like you're actually doing them a favor.
Then you're free to move on to greener, sexier and much more delightful pastures.
Then you're free to move on to greener, sexier and much more delightful pastures.
44
Both of them have issues. I'm tempted to tell them to stay together just so the rest of us don't unknowingly end up dating them.
"dating-for-dating's-sake is stupid because you may miss on the right person if you're tied to a partner you are somewhat ambivalent about"
Dating someone you're ambivalent about is stupid. Dating for dating's sake teaches you about what you want in a relationship and a great many other things you might want to already be on top of when you "marry The One". (Or maybe you'll learn "The One" is a fairytale we tell ourselves because reality is scary.)
"dating-for-dating's-sake is stupid because you may miss on the right person if you're tied to a partner you are somewhat ambivalent about"
Dating someone you're ambivalent about is stupid. Dating for dating's sake teaches you about what you want in a relationship and a great many other things you might want to already be on top of when you "marry The One". (Or maybe you'll learn "The One" is a fairytale we tell ourselves because reality is scary.)
45
Listen to your gut. Trust me - if you don't, you'll find yourself married with kids & mortgage, wondering why the heck you didn't get out while it was still relatively uncomplicated.
Marriage and kids put an enormous strain on you're relationship, and if you're feeling ambivalent just 8 months in, then just wait until the really hard stuff starts.
Life is far too short and far too precious to waste on someone you're not sure about.
You know what you need to do. Good luck.
Marriage and kids put an enormous strain on you're relationship, and if you're feeling ambivalent just 8 months in, then just wait until the really hard stuff starts.
Life is far too short and far too precious to waste on someone you're not sure about.
You know what you need to do. Good luck.
46
My word, what's happening??? I completely agree with Loveschild. I did not anticipate this.
Seriously, marriage is enough of a challenge; "I think I could probably make it work" is not the attitude you want to have when you enter into it. Not everyone in the world is going to be a good fit for you. It doesn't mean that he's a bad person or you're a bad person or that you don't both have wonderful qualities. It might just not be right in the long run. And I don't get the "ungrateful" idea--presumably she gave things to the relationship, too. That's what healthy adults do--act like generous, thoughtful romantic partners as long as a relationship lasts. The fact that he was a nice guy doesn't mean she owes him her life.
Seriously, marriage is enough of a challenge; "I think I could probably make it work" is not the attitude you want to have when you enter into it. Not everyone in the world is going to be a good fit for you. It doesn't mean that he's a bad person or you're a bad person or that you don't both have wonderful qualities. It might just not be right in the long run. And I don't get the "ungrateful" idea--presumably she gave things to the relationship, too. That's what healthy adults do--act like generous, thoughtful romantic partners as long as a relationship lasts. The fact that he was a nice guy doesn't mean she owes him her life.
47
Reading the letter, it seems she clearly doesn't want to stay. There is no reason to stay. I understand the sadness, but I don't understand the guilt over breaking up. They're not compatible. Sometimes relationships don't work out. That doesn't make either partner a villain.
48
I agree with 34 (and it seems like most of the others here): CIC knows she wants to end the relationship, but has been having difficulty finding a good excuse to.
CIC, you don't need an excuse. Not after 8 months. You're tearing yourself apart. Trying to see him as either the Perfect Guy or the exact opposite. Like most people, he isn't either. He's got some good qualities and some bad qualities. The test isn't whether he's a nice guy or not, the test is whether you're happy with him and whether he's helping you become the person you want to be.
Because you're seeing so many problems this early in the relationship, and especially that there are problems that he doesn't think are problems and doesn't seem to want to work on, I'd suggest calling it quits on this one.
But also keep in mind, a short-term relationship is not necessarily a failed relationship. If you want to end up in a stable, long-term marriage, that's great. It is good that you know what you want. But marrying the next guy you date is only one path to marriage, and not necessarily the best one. Every relationship you have can help you develop skills, like communication and compromise and sharing responsibility, and can help you fine-tune your sense of what you want in a partner. So even a short-term relationship isn't just "dating for dating's sake", it's preparation for that stable, long-term relationship that you ultimately want.
Good marriages -- not that I really know anything about this, but this is what makes sense to me now -- aren't just about meeting someone you're compatible with. They're also about knowing yourself and knowing your way around a relationship, when to push for what you want and when to let it go, knowing what to say and what's too much information, knowing how to explain what you mean, knowing when to give advice and when to just listen. Knowing that one fight or disagreement isn't the end of the world. Letting your partner influence and shape you, but not control you. These aren't things you have to learn from Mr Right. These are things you can learn with anyone.
PS -- Please don't let your fear of divorce get in the way of your dream of a good marriage. Some of the best marriages happen on the second try.
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CIC, you don't need an excuse. Not after 8 months. You're tearing yourself apart. Trying to see him as either the Perfect Guy or the exact opposite. Like most people, he isn't either. He's got some good qualities and some bad qualities. The test isn't whether he's a nice guy or not, the test is whether you're happy with him and whether he's helping you become the person you want to be.
Because you're seeing so many problems this early in the relationship, and especially that there are problems that he doesn't think are problems and doesn't seem to want to work on, I'd suggest calling it quits on this one.
But also keep in mind, a short-term relationship is not necessarily a failed relationship. If you want to end up in a stable, long-term marriage, that's great. It is good that you know what you want. But marrying the next guy you date is only one path to marriage, and not necessarily the best one. Every relationship you have can help you develop skills, like communication and compromise and sharing responsibility, and can help you fine-tune your sense of what you want in a partner. So even a short-term relationship isn't just "dating for dating's sake", it's preparation for that stable, long-term relationship that you ultimately want.
Good marriages -- not that I really know anything about this, but this is what makes sense to me now -- aren't just about meeting someone you're compatible with. They're also about knowing yourself and knowing your way around a relationship, when to push for what you want and when to let it go, knowing what to say and what's too much information, knowing how to explain what you mean, knowing when to give advice and when to just listen. Knowing that one fight or disagreement isn't the end of the world. Letting your partner influence and shape you, but not control you. These aren't things you have to learn from Mr Right. These are things you can learn with anyone.
PS -- Please don't let your fear of divorce get in the way of your dream of a good marriage. Some of the best marriages happen on the second try.
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