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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How to Succeed as an Ayn Rand Character

Posted by on Tue, Feb 16, 2010 at 2:29 PM

Slog tipper Lara sends along this flowchart for How to Succeed as an Ayn Rand Character she found on "on the internets."

bestseller_list.jpg

Thank you, Lara.

 

Comments (26) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Truly awesome, thank you Lara.
Posted by Lilting Missive on February 16, 2010 at 2:46 PM
2

How to drive like a Northwest Imbecille:

1) Get in your red 2006 jetta

2) Turn up iPod to full volume and connect with Belkin FM transmitter to German sound system...put Volume on "11".

3) Make sure all windows have been tinted to maximum darkness.

4) As you drive around local streets, be sure to stop and go as you like, pausing to look at shop windows and see if "some girl you saw" is in there.

5) Ignore all other drivers.

6) Meander in each and every lane, as needed (by you).

7) At stop signs, be sure and take several minutes as you finish whatever fantastic story your recounting on your cell phone.

8) Pull up slowly near corners and peer around and make sure that everyone is looking at you.

9) Then, push accelerator to max, and make turn at 90 mph in crowded street. Race up hill.

10) Get to next stop light and repeat.
Posted by Let's Get Imbecillic on February 16, 2010 at 2:47 PM
Elizabeth I (or Liz Tudor) 3
If you looked like Ayn Rand the only way you would ever get laid is to be raped.
Posted by Elizabeth I (or Liz Tudor) on February 16, 2010 at 2:54 PM
4
I bet you've been needing to get that off your chest for a while, there, Imbecillic.
Posted by no sir I don't like it on February 16, 2010 at 2:55 PM
5
@2 Sadly, I don't think Ayn Rand drives anymore...
Posted by JTContinental on February 16, 2010 at 3:04 PM
6
@2: It's spelled 'imbecilic.'
Posted by Chef Boy R U Dumb on February 16, 2010 at 3:36 PM
7
And I wonder why baby-men love "objectivism" so much...
Posted by B-Truth on February 16, 2010 at 3:40 PM
Estey 8
"Success! How will you celebrate?" "Rape."

Very, very accurate.
Posted by Estey on February 16, 2010 at 3:46 PM
DOUG. 9
This chart "flows" like an ice cream river.
Posted by DOUG. http://www.dougsvotersguide.com on February 16, 2010 at 3:48 PM
10
Ahahahahahah "Does She Resemble Ayn Rand?" - Yes - "Rape."

But it's not really rape, it's just Objectivist Hero taking what's rightfully his. Or hers, in the case of the Ayn Rand female characters. Take it. Take it, it's yours.

Posted by A = A, Except After C on February 16, 2010 at 3:53 PM
Josh Bomb 11
it took me approx two seconds to attribute (and verify) this image to cracked.com

don't be that lazy, slog!
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on February 16, 2010 at 3:58 PM
12
@11 Indeed. I used to write for Cracked and recognized the chart, but was a bit surprised and saddened to see Slog of all places accepting the anonymous "internet" attibution.
Posted by Karla http://underthewagon.com on February 16, 2010 at 4:26 PM
Will in Seattle 13
What if I pay Federal Income Tax but not State Income Tax?

Do I get bonus points if I seduce someone younger than me like she did?
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 16, 2010 at 4:30 PM
seandr 14
I've never read Ayn Rand.

Should I?
Posted by seandr on February 16, 2010 at 4:39 PM
Will in Seattle 15
@14 - NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Posted by Will in Seattle http://www.facebook.com/WillSeattle on February 16, 2010 at 4:46 PM
Enigma 16
RAPE!!

(And @14- Sure, at least you'll be able to laugh at more cultural references.)
Posted by Enigma http://approvereferendum71.org/ on February 16, 2010 at 4:53 PM
17
@3, She was married. I assume she and her husband, Frank O'Connor, had sex, and she also had an affair with a younger man named Nathaniel Branden. I assume some (much? most? all?) of the sex she had was consensual.

@14, YES! Even if you don't like her, you can expose yourself to challenging viewpoints that either reaffirm or erode your currently held views.
Posted by brendan on February 16, 2010 at 6:44 PM
Urgutha Forka 18
@14,
Yes, but you can just read whichever book of hers is the shortest, because the stories and characters in all of them are exactly the same.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on February 16, 2010 at 7:44 PM
balderdash 19
The chart's pretty good but it needs more Asperger's.
Posted by balderdash http://introverse.blogspot.com on February 16, 2010 at 9:41 PM
20
@14 Read Anthem for a brief taste.
Read Fountainhead if you're stuck somewhere for a day and it's your only option.
Read Atlas Shrugged if you're in prison for securities fraud.
Posted by dirge on February 17, 2010 at 12:59 PM
21
@20: If you're in prison for securities fraud, odds are you've already read her complete works.
Posted by lololololol on February 17, 2010 at 1:02 PM
22
This flowchart comes from www.cracked.com

Credit should be given.

Here's the whole article: http://www.cracked.com/funny-304-ayn-ran…

My favorite quote:

'Ms. Rand agreed with Catherine MacKinnon's statement that "All sex is rape," but that's a good thing. Somehow.'
Posted by Jacob on February 18, 2010 at 11:49 AM
23
I'm digging into Rand's stuff. I don't see why anyone would say you shouldn't... That's being closed minded. Based on what I've read it coincides with one of my most basic beliefs and that is, that mankind is basically good.
Posted by chad_elbert on February 22, 2010 at 8:04 PM
24
"If it was rape, it was rape by engraved invitation"
Posted by JulietteF on February 22, 2010 at 11:46 PM
25
Never understood the Rand-hate very well. Very immature bandwagoning, most often. Comments above kinda prove the point. Yes, some of her characters seem closely related. Yes, most of the female characters serve as set dressing or trophies*. And Yes, she said some stupid shit about homosexuality, but the blanket hate of a series of books promoting individualism, heroism and a love for reason has never set well with me. No, her books are not required reading by sith lords at the Galactic Empire Academy.
Her writing, long speeches and all, is annoying but no more annoying than Mamet or Tolkien or Pynchon... her characters, superheroic as they may be, are much more believable than any of the fantastic roles Warren Ellis/Alan Moore/Stan Lee have crafted... her philosophy subtext no more distracting/pandering than C.S. Lewis' or Aristotles' subtexts... and her sex/personal life no more controversial than JM Barrie or Lewis Carroll.
Yet all these authors rarely suffer the sophomoric bullying Rand does. So, what's left?
Is it that she's a person demanding that humankind has untapped potential, re-stating in a slightly immigrant-flavored light, some of the American founders' ideals (freedom for freedom's sake)? Is it that she was Russian getting published throughout the cold war? Or is it sadly, even in the year 2010 as we live 'in the future', that Rand-hate comes from her being, simply, a woman - a smart and strong and flawed woman demanding what powerful and rich men have taken for granted...?

Look up "Randian Hero": ' Rand's self-declared purpose in writing fiction was to project an "ideal man"—a man whose ability and independence leads to conflict with others, but who perseveres nevertheless to achieve his values.'
Sure sounds like many superheroes and sports heroes and political heroes, doesn't it? Maybe Batman, Phelps, Hillary Clinton? (or translated back again to Rand's books: Roark, Equality 7, and Dagny...?)

*= notable though is that her women, even written in the 40's, understood the power and control that a smart submissive actually possesses in a sub/dom relationship. THAT rarely gets press though. Gotta wonder what the likes of Mistress Matisse would have to say.
More...
Posted by JulietteF on February 23, 2010 at 12:45 AM
26
@ #25:
The reason so many feel so strongly about Rand vs. the others you mention is at least twofold.

First, and trivially, the flaws you cite, which in Rand are a package deal while in the rest of your list of authors are isolated aberrances. At some point humans tend to throw up their hands and conclude that such a lengthy list of ills (and you forgot some, like her amphetamine addiction and her Svengali-like control of her clique) shows a conclusive personal life failure.

Second, and crucially, I and others take exception with Rand due in large part to her success in shaping public policy in this country. If her "Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength"-like counterintuitive claims hadn't been accepted wholeheartedly by the right in this country, then nobody would care. But the excuse that she provides for greedy, selfish people to behave however they wish -- because it's not only the right thing to do, it's a moral imperative, dammit! -- is facilitating America's slide into a repellant and destructive me-firstism that deeply pains true patriots and friends of humanity.
Posted by deaddrift on February 23, 2010 at 12:42 PM

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