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News & ArtsSunday, February 14, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: A Note To My Fellow Singles On Valentine's Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Sun, Feb 14, 2010 at 2:18 PM
To My Single Friends On Valentine's Day:On this, the twenty-sixth Valentine’s Day of my single life, please listen, for once, to my plea: do not ask me to commiserate with you. This includes all eating of chocolate, all drinking of wine, all gathering around flat screens to watch cheesy Lifetime movies, all tossing of love letters into fireplaces, all clinking of glasses, rolling of eyes, and exclamations of, “Who needs ‘em?” Do not link arms with me when I am just minding my own business. Do not expect me to sigh, “They don’t know what they’re missing!” after we discuss why that one guy didn’t call back. Do not propose a Singles Day to celebrate a state we all hope isn’t permanent as if doing so is an act of appropriation and is thus empowering.
And please—oh please!−do not quote a single line from “He’s Just Not That Into You” or I will hunt down the those movies executives, slather them in chocolate, and then set the animator of that awful Cathy cartoon to devour them.
Leah's letter continues after the jump...
I know that being single isn’t easy. I, just like you, would love to love and be loved, and I spend a large portion of my conscious hours thinking and talking about this fact.But to be single is not a disease, nor love its cure, and I grow weary of this mid-twenties typecasting. No, Google AdSense, I am not a Sassy Singleton, I do not need diet advice so I might ensnare a manfolk, and I do not need help from MeetUp.com on this, the supposedly more dire of days for people of my type.
And especially no to YOU, Girl I Just Met Who Appears To Be Roughtly Equivalent In Both Age And Attractiveness; though we are both single we most certainly do NOT share a bond, just as not all black people like the same movies, nor all Jews like Manischevitz. Stop speaking in “we” when half an hour ago the dialogue that passed between us was restricted to, “Hello” and “My name is Jeannie. And who do you know at this party?”
Yes, we are both single, but I, unlike you, do not view this as my curse. I, unlike you, do not feel the need to “take back the day” as if something had been stolen from me in the first place. I, unlike you, share no urge to empower myself despite legions of happy couples waiting to usurp the rare moments of happiness I somehow seem to manage in my supposedly pariah state.
Here is what we share: I, like you, desire deeply to be in love. I, like you, would like a partner, someone to be neck deep in this mucky life with me, to take care of me and let me care for him, to laugh at my jokes and crack me up, to challenge me and be challenged by me, to love me and be loved by me.
I get it; I want it. I get it, I do.
But on this Valentine’s Day, it is offensive to me to be expected to bond with other women of my age and single status as if these things are a core and common part of our identity. It is offensive to me to be told to celebrate my single status and my beautiful, gurrl power self as if I don’t already do that anyway.
Let me tell you something: love is not a burden, nor is it a weight you lug around until you can find someone else who will take it. Love is fluid, ever ebbing, ever flowing, divisible and diverse. You can give that love you long to give to a partner instead to your family, to your friends, to your work, to your passions, to the people you meet when you walk down the street.
No, it is not the same as the love that passes between partners. But if that kind of love is so special, why do we moan when it is understandably difficult to find? And why should we begrudge couples a day to celebrate their luck?
I am proud of myself not in spite or despite of my singleness, but in how little I consider the state. I have spent nearly a year now saying goodbye to unhealthy relationships, dating my fair share of wonderful, intelligent, and extremely good men, figuring out what I want and need, and learning how to stick up for every bit of that. I am not bitter about my state; I am relieved not to worry about how I’m affecting a boyfriend or whether or not our power dynamic is healthy or if we really “get” each other. I am relieved, for once, to just be me.
How nice, indeed, it is to be so. I attend parties, lectures, concerts and happy hours, and often give silly excuses so I can be with myself. I love men, I want a relationship, but I want the right one and I am proud of my commitment not to settle, my perseverance and of just how fun of late it’s been just to be me.
Yes, life is confusing, especially at this age of transitions. Yes, it would be nice to have just one thing decided—my career, my housing, my partner. Anything.
But life, I have learned, is not a chain of cause and effect, but a web, a neural network. One experience leads to not just one other but many that in turn lead to many others and others. My one and only responsibility is to be open to the activation spreading across these nodes.
When I go to job fairs or networking events, I keep my card in one hand, a pen and a pad in the other, and I talk and talk and talk to every person I possibly can, until I find just one I connect with, just one who might in the future perhaps be able to help me. As I talk, I also listen, empathize, learn the most interesting of tidbits, and feel love and affection for the great, tight communities I have around me and how brimming they are with intelligent, passionate, engaged human beings.
This, too, is what I do when I date. Is it work, a constant stream of disappointments, and anxieties? Yes, and I would rather be snuggled into a blanket on the couch, but in this year of picking up and just freakin’ doing it, each moment of guilt, self-criticism, and doubt becomes more and more like a single flash of light, barely noted before it fades. What remains, instead, is the love, passion, and engagement in and for my many communities, my family, my many friends, my writing, and the life I am so dedicated to building, one determined layer at a time.
So deal with your own emotions however you so choose. Gather in groups to laugh about your past romances and future hopes. Drown vats of ice cream in pools of chocolate and pretend that you're just happy to pick out the best morsels from that heart shaped box you bought for yourself because why the hell not?
Just please, oh please, stop asking me to cope with you. There is no state here I choose to overcome.
Leah Kaminsky
1
Too often people rely, no depend, on others to supply their happiness for them.
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"it is offensive to me to be expected to bond with other women of my age and single status"
Really? Cause if I was single, I'd be happy to find some fellow single folks to go to clubs and parties and introduce me to their friends, etc. It's hard to find a married guy you can count for that kind of thing - most of them get fat and boring and tied down with the relationship and kids.
As a single woman who would also like to be in a relationship (but is okay with NOT being in a relationship), I suggest that you, Leah, spend a little less time writing snarky letters to Dan Savage and a little more time updating your eharmony profile or something. Of course every woman you run into should automatically be aware that you exist on a much higher plane than those women who deign to do something as bourgeois as "commiserate" with their girlfriends on Valentine's Day.
For the record, I also think that Valentine's Day is a completely unimportant holiday generally reserved for "those people" who are actually touched by the Kay Jewelers commercials, and I don't particularly feel the need to gather with my girlfriends on this day, but writing a manifesto in opposition to such invitations is a little over the top.
Lighten up!
That's what I want. That's what I'm holding out for. And if I have to wait another year, three years, five years, ten years, I will.
Until then...lovers will have to do. :)
9
As a Jew who likes Manischewitz, I see no reason for anyone, Jewish or Gentile, to dislike it. If I could dine once a day on gefilte fish, matzah ball soup, egg noodles, and sweet blackberry wine, I would.
But kinda bitter, nu?
11
For my part I'm with her all the way - heck, I could have written this letter myself if I were female and in a mood to rant. Sure, there's some bitterness - but it's mild, and it's a spirited sort of bitterness that's infinitely preferable to simply being ground down by a prevailing trend that you can't bring yourself to go along with. This is the same tone I hear - and sometimes use myself - from atheists who need to vent about living in a Christian society, or from liberals from conservative families, or from my gay friends in Texas.
This isn't about superiority or resentment or bile. It's just unloading a little of the stress that comes from being constantly cajoled to play along by unhappy, uncomfortable people who want some company.
I feel you, Leah. Well said.
17
I was glad to 'hear' you. A hearty rant can be very cathartic. Best of luck and always keep your chin up, dear.
18
V-Day is Hallmark BS no thank you. But happy Chinese New Year, everyone - Year of the Tiger. Happy Sunday, happy Olympics & happy Lupercalia Eve.
20
Seriously. There are so many great fat guys out there (and fat gals) who are so much fun/great in bed/smart/brilliant and IN YOUR LEAGUE.
I thought that was a great letter. Stylized but not silly, condescending but justified (If people really bond over single shit and throw love letters into the fire while drinking wine no wonder they're single).
Maybe I'm the only one who understands you. Call me Leah, we'll get a drink.
23
Seriously, lady. Lighten the fuck up.
26
I mean, why is there even a holiday solely created to show your loved one you love them? It seems to me that there's already, I don't know, annivesaries & birthdays (much more personalized, too), and you know, your day-to-day actions. Valentines Day seems like such an obvious grab for attention (by those who celebrate it) and money (by the corporations that promote it) that it honestly creeps me out, more so than any other holiday.
At least the other holidays have some sheen of respectability, some pretense of why they exist. Valentines Day is just . . . ugh. Any attempt to track down the supposed "folk" origins of Valentines Day ends up in a constant tail-chasing circle, like chasing down the origins of the Robin Hood myth. It's so stupid and annoying.
Well, some of us mere mortals get lonely. Or horny. Or tender. Sometimes it's just exhausting, emotionally, not to be able to turn to someone who loves you.
I'm with her, largely -- I don't like the "anti-Valentines" either. Basically, I have seen single (straight) girls who get all their fun and all their emotional support from their girlfriends, and don't really like men, and then get sad because Prince Charming hasn't come along yet. You have to actually spend time with men if you want a relationship with one! So I find the "let's drown our sorrows in chocolate" business a little irritating, because it's disingenuous.
But there's no reason to rail against people who wish they had boyfriends. So they're flesh instead of stone! So sue them!
30
I, too, am single, but also in no hurry to attach myself to someone, since I'm still mulling over the fact that I was clearly the weaker link in my most recent relationship. I already knew that I was capable of douchebaggery from time to time, but it's a bit of a blow to the ego having discovered that sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes, I'm compelled to be a jerk.
And I've just been really resistant to exposing others, especially those I really like, or even love, to that dark side of me. At least not without conferring some kind of forewarning.
I know it's human nature, but still, I want to be above it, as unreasonable as that may be.
I'm the much-maligned author of this article. I wasn't going to comment because, as we've seen, I can't keep it short, but #29 moved me. I apologize to you and to anyone who feels my tone was superior. My intent was to express both my own deep desire for love, my determination not to let this desire define my entire life, and my plea to be considered as a full human being and not a type. I hoped that you, and any other readers, might identify and get some use out of it, not to condescend to those who do not share my views.
I am entirely resistant to this idea of a Federation of Single Ladies. Why is it not okay to stereotype Asian people by saying they all like math, but it is okay to assume that all single women of the same age construct their identities around the same things? I go on dates all the time. I've managed to find some of the sweetest, most intelligent, wittiest, and kindest men, some of whom have become my closest friends. But if I don't feel it, I don't feel it, and if at the end of the date I feel just as happy to go home to my PJs, a cookie and some TV, well, that's where I'm going to go. As the saying goes, there is a lid for every pot–many in fact, so why would I settle for any that don't fit? Sure, I could be content with many men for awhile, but being content isn't being happy, not happy isn't good enough, and not good enough means eventually not being content.
My close friends-both women and men- navigate these difficult dating experiences together with me, and I am incredibly grateful for their support. I do not need movies, books, articles, and random people at parties to speak to me as if they know me like these friends or know even slightly what I go through or who I am. This is what I seek to fight in this article.
So... here's to finding romantic love eventually, and a love for one's community, family, self and friends along the way. All I ask in the process is to not have bitter people dump their bitterness on me just because I'm 26, single, and walk in the world.
(But you're right, #28. In the time I read your comment, I could have found a hook up that left me feeling empty and dead inside as it gave to me not one single thing I was looking for!)
-Leah
37
(But seriously, the point was made in the first couple of paragraphs. Each succeeding one actually took away from the message. Either the author is very insecure, or is in love with sound of her own voice.)
39
If I want to get together with my fag hags and get drunk, eat mexican food, and watch horror flicks and Ru Paul's Drag Race and wait out the storm that is valentines day, then why the hell not?
It has nothing to do with "taking back the holiday". It has everything to do with rebelling against a romantic fantasy that doesn't really exist but sells a lot of hallmark cards.
We can all go back to the trial and error clusterfuck that is dating tomorrow, for better or for worse.
I want a man who has read most of if not all the books in his personal library
Any man who's "personal library" is composed of nothing but books he's already read (and for that matter, any man who would refer to his collection of books as his "personal library") is probably tedious and insufferable. He'd be perfect for you, is what I'm trying to say.
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I like Leah's letter because I'm sick of everyone turning Valentine's Day into some sort of divide. People don't have to fall into the "single-and-sad", "single-BUT-FABULOUS-dammit!" and "smug couple" categories. I feel that's the point of this.
51
Yes, we are both single, but I, unlike you, do not view this as my curse.
Not sure why this girl set you off so much by wanting to "bond" as singles but obviously she did. People vary widely in how they feel about being single. Some hate it, and may view it as a "curse", and others are so independent they don't want a (romantic) relationship with anyone. Most of us are in the middle. Being single doesn't mean we put our lives on hold but, at the same time, we'd like to share experiences and conversations with someone special. We'd like to love someone and be loved by them.
We also differ in how much we're willing to settle. Some people have this fantasy ideal of a partner and refuse to settle for anyone less. Others, sadly, have such low self-esteem that they'll accept almost anyone who shows an interest in them, even if that person often treats them like shit. But, once again, most of us are in the middle. We may have a dream partner in mind but we're also willing to accept the reality that we likely won't ever find that perfect person. We won't budge on our "must-haves", but we're willing to compromise on our "would-like-to-haves."
I'd venture to say that most people prefer reading writing that doesn't shove it's point up the reader's nose and out through the top of their head. It makes their brains hurt.
Par example. http://houseintherear.blogspot.com/2010_…
@15 FTW
@15 FTW
59
But, in all the years before, it was difficult to deal with the assumption that I should be unhappy on a day dedicated to celebrating love. As if I didn't have love in my life, just because I wasn't screwing anybody! The phrase "single awareness day" made me cringe, and still does. It implies that people can't be happy for each other's joy, unless they have some themselves. That's a sad view of humanity. It also implies that romantic love is the most important form of love in the world. This is patently false. Romantic love requires the most commitment. However, we need all kinds of love, in order to function. We should celebrate all of that on Valentine's day.
Myself, I'm struggling with lack of trust in myself to be a good partner. I have a plan, which involves a therapist and other support people, and homework, and daily reading and journalling. I am learning not to be ashamed of myself, but to have compassion for who I am right now. I'm hoping I will get to a more solid place, and am trying to build the foundations block by block.
I hope one day you will wake up and find that you have become a strong link. There are different ways of getting there. I wish you good seeking.
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