Slog
News & ArtsFriday, February 12, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Unfunny Uncle
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 4:45 PM
Dan... you totally nailed it in your response to UNCLE, the gay-or-bi guy whose conservative uncle calls him a "faggot" when no one else is around. This pervy uncle is looking to score, and you are correct in how quickly an uncle's tongue can find its way into your mouth. One bright summer afternoon of my youth, my pious church-going uncle took advantage of a moment when we were alone to jam his tongue in my mouth. But it happened only once because, fortunately, I did exactly what you advised UNCLE to do—I went directly to my mom and told her what happened. Turns out, the old perv had previously made passes at her and at my younger brother. Suddenly I understood why mom had always seemed to take pains to avoid the guy. We never had to visit him again and only saw the guy at large family events, including his funeral, where we made certain none of us were alone with him.
Epilogue: I later learned that my cousin, the son of this man, suffered much growing up and manifests the abuse in his own adult life. The cousin grew up to be a wife-beating, child-abusing, sex addicted, alcoholic, STD-riddled, pathological liar/clinical narcissist with a pile of inherited money. He also served recently on the board of a prominent church in his denomination. So watch out, ladies and gents, the cycle repeats and this boy is dating someone's daughter right now.Grateful For My Normal Uncles
I'm glad your mother never allowed you to be alone with your uncle again—not even at his funeral, where you probably could've risked it—but I'm surprised that she didn't give you a heads up, even at your young age, to avoid your uncle at all costs, and that she didn't tell you exactly why you needed to avoid him. But maybe that's not fair. Standards are different today, i.e. people are less likely to put children in dangerous situations in order to preserve the appearance of family harmony. Thanks for sharing.
1
Fuck! What a crazy letter. Thanks for sharing though - I second that. We sometimes forget that pedos & abusive freaks have families too and sometimes the luck of the draw makes it so that we're occasionally related to these sickos.
3
yup. my uncle put a move on me when i was 16 - on that same visit i asked where my cousin was and was told that she was married and living in another state ... she was also only 16 ~
4
Yup, my family had a pervert uncle and my grandparents wouldn't believe it, but my parents did. He made a move, I walked out and wouldn't go back. My grandparents couldn't figure out why I wouldn't visit them anymore, because they would insist on visiting the uncle. Too many families won't believe it when they should be beating the shit out of the guy and telling him to stay the heck away from the kids.
5
Too may people won't believe because they are emotionally invested in denying it. Delusions are the only thing that truly make families and human relationships succeed -- is there a rational, caring mother on the planet who thinks her child is ugly and stupid?
It's dreadful when people allow their delusions to cause harm to other members of the family, especially children, but being delusional is how humans are wired.
It's dreadful when people allow their delusions to cause harm to other members of the family, especially children, but being delusional is how humans are wired.
6
Hey, all you Christians out there: What is it about your religion that attracts all those wife-beating, child-abusing, sex addicted, alcoholic, STD-riddled, pathological liar/clinical narcissists? I mean, if it's because there's so much "healing" available in the church, well, I just ain't seeing it.
7
Has anyone read Kathy Griffin's book? She talks about her perv/pedo brother and how tough it was to deal with him and with her family's reaction to him.
8
@6: Probably more to do with the fact that christians are by far the majority of the population than anything to do directly with the religion itself.
9
no sir (@6), a lot of Christian denominations recruit from troubled sectors of our society with the promise of forgiveness and recovery, so there is a large following, especially in born again communities, of folks who were troubled before they turned to Christ (whether or not they turned, as George W. Bush did, from one denomination to another). Some churches even have a significant recovery rate higher than their recidivism.
Still, points remain valid: Faith does not signify strong moral character (or lack of faith, weak).
Still, points remain valid: Faith does not signify strong moral character (or lack of faith, weak).
10
@8 Well yes, but, however, many of these churches also claim that Christianity is the way to morality.
We should expect to see Christians be more moral than others, if they were right about that. But instead they're no better than everyone else.
We should expect to see Christians be more moral than others, if they were right about that. But instead they're no better than everyone else.
11
@8 - You know, I'm glad to hear (or read) someone say that. I'm not Christian, but I do think they tend to get slagged on the Savage threads just a bit too freely. There are such things as good Christians. I've met them. They're not all like Maggie Gallagher or Tony Perkins or other fuckwits like them.
12
An interesting point to bring up: "the appearance of family harmony" is exactly what most conservative christians mean when they talk about "a return to family values." It's code for "keep your mouth shut and deal with our dysfunction until you're outta the house."
13
@10 as a Christian, I think it's important to be very careful NOT to start thinking of oneself as "more moral" than anyone else. In the first place, that kind of thinking is not just spiritually useless, it's spiritually DAMAGING. I know that people often use the fact of their faith try to burnish their own images in society, but this is...I guess the word I'm looking for is a "misappropriation" of faith.
15
@6: Christians want to see people follow their better natures. They want to believe that people are basically good, that they can improve themselves and be redeemed, even when it goes against the evidence in front of their eyes.
16
@9 I think you are probably closest to the truth, Uriel. Some of the worst, most vile people I've ever met were at the same time the most ardent, in-your-face Christians, and often "born again" several times.
Some of my own family members amongst them.
Though I am slowly coming to accept that not all Christians are hateful, lying, thieving people, it's been a slow road after so much crap I've been dealt by them.
I still want to puke any time I see a bumper sticker that reads "We're not perfect, just forgiven." I had quite my fill of hearing that line used as simply a get-out-of-guilt free card.
You're right though. Certain forms of Christianity, especially those that heavily emphasize the doctrine of forgiveness, appeal to criminals and this form of the religion is constantly thrown at them.
Some of my own family members amongst them.
Though I am slowly coming to accept that not all Christians are hateful, lying, thieving people, it's been a slow road after so much crap I've been dealt by them.
I still want to puke any time I see a bumper sticker that reads "We're not perfect, just forgiven." I had quite my fill of hearing that line used as simply a get-out-of-guilt free card.
You're right though. Certain forms of Christianity, especially those that heavily emphasize the doctrine of forgiveness, appeal to criminals and this form of the religion is constantly thrown at them.
17
Yup! And that's exactly why my bully/pervert of an older brother will never be in the same room with my kids, much less alone with them.
18
@6: There are several reasons for that, a few of which that have already been mentioned here.
A couple of others:
Being "born again" gives an aggressive asshole a semi-acceptable reason for his hostility. If a guy in our society stands on a corner and randomly calls women sluts, that's unacceptable. If, however, he stands outside an abortion clinic and calls the women entering sluts, that's freedom of religion.
Another reason? Churches, along with 12-step programs, give unlikable people a social group that will rarely expel them.
A couple of others:
Being "born again" gives an aggressive asshole a semi-acceptable reason for his hostility. If a guy in our society stands on a corner and randomly calls women sluts, that's unacceptable. If, however, he stands outside an abortion clinic and calls the women entering sluts, that's freedom of religion.
Another reason? Churches, along with 12-step programs, give unlikable people a social group that will rarely expel them.
19
Greg@14, it may be a little paranoid to avoid being alone with the guy even at his funeral, but the uncle obviously made people really, really, really uncomfortable. I'd understand not wanting to be alone in his presence even if he were no longer breathing.
A friend of mine who's married to a survivor of abuse once said to me, "It only takes fifteen minutes to mess up a kid for life." A part of me thinks that's a bit extreme but, having never been through abuse myself, I'm not going to make assumptions about how little or how much it takes to do permanent harm.
A friend of mine who's married to a survivor of abuse once said to me, "It only takes fifteen minutes to mess up a kid for life." A part of me thinks that's a bit extreme but, having never been through abuse myself, I'm not going to make assumptions about how little or how much it takes to do permanent harm.
20
I think that as long as Christians allow themselves to be represented by the most extreme, hateful, bigoted members of the faith, people will always assume the worst. I see so many Christians apologising on internet comment threads for things their chosen political and religious spokes-people have said, but very little effort seems to be made to replace them with more moderate Christians, those who are always pointing out that love is a central tenent of their faith.
Maybe this is a simplistic assesment of the situation - I live in a secular country where church-going is a minority occupation - but I think it is why other countries view the US as being dangerously close to a theocracy.
Maybe this is a simplistic assesment of the situation - I live in a secular country where church-going is a minority occupation - but I think it is why other countries view the US as being dangerously close to a theocracy.
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
Hating People Doesn't Make Them Thinner by Jen Graves
-
Los Angeles Gay Bar Bans Bachelorette Parties Until Marriage Equality Is Attained by David Schmader
-
Fill in the Blank by Grant Brissey
-
This Reminds Me of the Great Calculator Scare of the Late '70s/Early '80s by David Schmader
-
Idiot Tries to Defend Bigoted Anti-Gay-Marriage Preacher on Anderson Cooper by Paul Constant
-
Six Moms with Too Much Time on Their Hands and a Shitty Website Decide to Fight Gay Superheroes by Paul Constant
-
What the Hell Is Wrong With Seattle's Pride Parade? by Dominic Holden
-
The Saturday Morning News by Unpaid Intern
-
Why Mayor McGinn's Wife Canceled Her Family's Seattle Times Subscription by Eli Sanders
-
NYC Man Ticketed for Not Riding in the Bike Lane by Jonathan Golob
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (21) RSS