AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
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  • AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!
I'm totally one of those chicks who's all into true crime*, and the horrifying shit humans do, and whatever is the creepiest and most gruesome situation in the real-life universe. So fascinating! So lurid and awful! Why do people do what they do!?**

So whenever there's a lull in the action, and Forensic Files isn't on, I like to spend my time reading Wikipedia articles about serial killers (2nd choice: medical anomalies; 3rd choice: backwoods hill mutants; 4th choice: feral children). Recently I discovered a new one, and it's really good. It's that lady, over there. Okay, so check this out.

Belle Gunness (born Brynhild Paulsdatter Størseth) immigrated to the United States from Norway in 1881. Then she proceeded to COMPLETELY WRECK SHOP FOR YEARS AND YEARS.

At 5'8" and over 200 lb, she was a physically strong woman. She may have killed both of her husbands and all of her children (on different occasions), but she is known to have killed most of her suitors, boyfriends, and her two daughters, Myrtle and Lucy. Her apparent motives involved collecting life insurance benefits. Reports estimate that she killed more than 40 people over several decades.

Here are the things I like about Belle Gunness:

1. Sisters doin' it for themselves.***
2. LOOK AT HER FUCKING FACE.
3. Remember when there was no internet and no phones and every scam in the world wasn't invented yet? So this crazy lady could just place personal ads, write some sexy letters, and dudes would show up with trunks of cash! And then insurance companies would show up with trunks of cash! And she could just kill everyone, and there was no, like, APB going out, or John Walsh beep-boopin' over the wireless radiographophone. Simpler times, is what I mean. She basically invented suspiciousness****.
4. This part:

Late that night, Anderson awoke to see her standing over him, peering down with a strange look in her eyes. She held a guttering candle in her hand and the expression on her face was so foreboding and sinister that he let out a loud yell. Without uttering a word, she ran from the room. Anderson jumped out of bed, struggled into his clothes and fled from the house, soon taking a train to Missouri. The suitors kept coming, but none, except for Anderson, ever left the Gunness farm.

5. This part:
He raced to town to get help, but by the time the old-fashioned hook and ladder arrived at the farm at early dawn the farmhouse was a gutted heap of smoking ruins. The floors had collapsed and four bodies were found in the cellar. The grand piano was on top of the bodies. One of the bodies was that of a woman who could not immediately be identified as Gunness, since she had no head. The head was never found. The bodies of her children were found next to the corpse.

6. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Anyway, you should read the whole thing. It's a really good story.


*Basically, this is me:

**For the record, I do NOT like those horrible shows that are all Most Facecrunchingest Skateboard Bloopers 3! and When Industrial Shredders Attack! and stuff.

***It's just nice to see a confident, independent woman bludgeoning her way through the glass ceiling and burying it in the hog pen. FOR ONCE.

****Hyperbole. Please do not respond.