Kyle Regan—a masochistic Stranger reader—has vowed to do every single thing recommended by the Stranger Suggests (movies, galleries, bars, concerts) for the month of January. Look for his reports daily on Slog. This will be his final dispatch as Our Man in Suggestsland. —Eds.

What the hell, The Stranger. Tooth Fairy? I was picturing what kind of thing might be up your sleeve for my last day. Today the Stranger Suggests: hitchhike to Idaho/attend an S&M expo/convert to Catholicism/whatever. I would have vastly preferred any of those to the fucking Tooth Fairy. Do you how hard of a sell that is for friends? “Hey dude, wanna go see a movie... yea, it's, uh, an indie flick about a fall from grace... deep shit.”

After returning to Metro Cinemas (where I first began this month of things-vastly-better-than-Tooth-Fairy) I settled into the completely empty theater. Fine, I thought, at least I don't have to worry about being judged for my movie choices. That is until a fucking elementary-school aged girl came into the theater alone. So now it's me and this 4th grader watching Tooth Fairy. I'm sitting in the back row, in a gray jacket, slowly sipping water during a children's movie with a single child as my company. Dial C for creepster. As icing on the cake, I drop my phone and bang my head trying to catch it. The phone noisily shatters. Now the kid thinks I'm an idiot.

Quick and skinny: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson commits fantasy murder by trying to tell a little girl that there is no tooth fairy, so the magical courts make him do two weeks of tooth fairy duty. If you like tooth wordplay, then boy is this the movie for you. They don't even have to make sense. (“I pledge allegiance to the tooth”) And shouldn't Johnson be acting? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson played Derek “Tooth Fairy” Thompson. Wow, dunno if I'll be able to suspend my belief for that one...

Tooth Fairy is a kid's movie, but I'm not a kid. I spent the whole movie looking for plot holes. Wouldn't parents freak out if someone already took little Lisa's tooth? How do tooth fairies get government-printed currency in the first place (shady as hell)? Or why doesn't making The Rock forget everything at the end turn him back into a dream-hating egomaniac? And there's the weird ableism discrimination against Stephen Merchant's character because he doesn't have wings. Their solution is to give him a badge that basically says: “There. Now we'll pretend you're equal to us normal fairies.”

In the end, I'm a nerd on the internet bitching about a children's movie. Big man for being snarky towards a plot for seven-year-olds. Doesn't get much more pointless than that. Besides, there were guiltily enjoyable moments. Johnson and Merchant are such opposites that their bromance was genuinely likable. Merchant's goofy passive-aggressive attitude was a saving grace. Smiles crept up.

Which, of course, turned me into a grinning man in the back row, wearing a gray jacket, slowly sipping water during a children's movie, with a single child as my company.

Ugh.