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News & ArtsMonday, February 1, 2010
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: A Happy Anniversary Email Exchange
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 3:27 PM
I don't know if this will get to you, but anyway... I just wanted to thank you and tell you briefly what's been up.My original email to you is below. It's not dated but I sent it you around the end of February 2000. I had met you at Sidetrack [a gay bar in Chicago] and I had also read something you wrote along the lines of, "Don't worry about it, have sex if you feel like it, that will not destroy the hopes of a relationship." Anyway... On March 10, 2000, a girl spilled a drink on me at Berlin in Chicago. I didn't enjoy it, but there was this boy smiling at me and saying, "Don't worry about it." I felt like he was special somehow. After dancing and chatting for quite a while I offered him a ride home. (In my Geo Metro, fancy!) I was thinking I shouldn't sleep with him. But then I remembered your thoughts... and I did. And we have had an absolutely wonderful relationship since then. On March 10 we celebrate our 10th anniversary.
Thanks, Dan.
M.
No, M., thank you—your email made my day. In all honesty it brought a tear to my eye. And please accept my congratulations in advance on your upcoming anniversary. How wonderful!
M.'s ten year-old email to me, and my original response to him, are after the jump.
Hi Dan,I met you at Sidetrack last weekend. I recognized you and you seemed surprised about it. I'm a student at UofChicago, maybe that'll remind you of who I am. Anyway...
I'm writing to this address because it's the only one I know of. Maybe you'd deem this suitable for your "Savage Love" column, I don't know, but I would love it if you'd at least write back to me with your
thoughts.It goes like this: I can't seem to find a boyfriend! (I know, that's a lame line). No, seriously, I'm a truly nice guy, not a slut, very caring, good looking, and yet I can't seem to find a significant other. Sex? I could get lots. But I want SOMEONE SPECIAL. You probably get tons of this stuff every day, and it's most likely that by this time some schmuck who screens email sent to this account already deleted this, but anyway, it doesn't hurt to try.
Now what's the problem? I truly think that I'm a good catch. I have my own problems, but who doesn't? Very few I'd say, and besides, I feel that not-so-perfect people are interesting anyway... I don't shy away of
the opportunity, I don't think. Is it a collective low self-esteem problem? People think I wouldn't be interested in them? Some have told me this, that's why I say it. It is true that many times I think "He's too cute or too interesting, he would not be interested in me..." What's with all this?Thanks for reading...
M.
Hey, M....Just a quick note... it was nice to meet you, too...
You know, i've always had great luck finding boyfriends by being, well, by being a bit of a slut. You'd be surprised how many long-term, stable gay relationships started out as one night stands. A guy who seems to be only after sex might be interested in more—you never know. I've been with my current boyfriend for six years. We met in a gay bar, made out in the bathroom, had sex that night, etc., and we're still together six years later. Don't dismiss the sex-right-now thing 'cuz it just might be the way you wind up meeting SOMEONE SPECIAL. I sure did.
xo
Dan
The boyfriend-of-six-years I mentioned in my note to M.—a guy I made out with the bathroom at Re-bar—is my boyfriend still. We just celebrated our 15th anniversary together on a short and thoroughly surreal weekend trip to New York City. A toast to all the stable, loving, long-term relationships out there that, like mine, had fun & sleazy starts.
1
having sex with someone you just met in a bar is a time tested way to find true love.
or genital herpes...
or genital herpes...
2
That's sweet. I met my wife only after I dropped the anxiety over not having a long-term girlfriend and decided to look for a good time instead, so it can work for straight folks too.
3
Well, that brings a tear to my eye as well. I've always loved your wonderful use of your boyfriend-origin story. Now I hope you can find some illustrative higher purpose for the tale of your "surreal" anniversary weekend too, because we'd love some gory details.
4
Yep, I met Mrs. Hernandez the same way, and I'm extremely happy that I did! Congratulations to Mr. "M", and congratulations to you and Terry as well, Dan.
7
I'll second what Matt said - it can work for straight couples too! The story of how I met Mrs. Hernandez is similar to those shared here. Congratulations to Mr. "M", and congratulations to you and Terry as well, Dan.
8
I didn't quite meet the future Mrs. Baconcat on the same night (it had been weeks prior, online, via friends), but the first time we made out was on the back of a police car outside of the east precinct with a bunch of cops and lots of people watching. There's photographic evidence.
Our first real date was at The Crescent Lounge.
All normal relationships seem to start out abnormally.
Our first real date was at The Crescent Lounge.
All normal relationships seem to start out abnormally.
9
Great post - thanks for sharing the emails Dan. I'm one year behind you and Terry. My wife and I are celebrating our 14th anniversary of being together (8 years married) this year. It started out as a drunken snog in a pub, followed by a trip to her flat for "coffee" and a first night together (although we did know each other beforehand, so I'm not sure if that counts?).
Congratulations Dan, and congratulation M.
Congratulations Dan, and congratulation M.
11
Now I feel old. We have 21 years together, 16 years married. It did start with a make out session in a pub bathroom. And, I am blushing ...
12
Congratulations to everyone who's made it any significant amount of time in a relationship. It ain't easy.
Sadly, I don't have any stories of my own about sluttiness leading to a long-term relationship. However, volunteers are wholeheartedly encouraged to look me up.
Sadly, I don't have any stories of my own about sluttiness leading to a long-term relationship. However, volunteers are wholeheartedly encouraged to look me up.
13
I slept with my partner on the second date, so only a little sleazy.
We've been together over 20 years.
Seriously, neither of us were looking for a long-term thing. We were just a couple of horny college students satisfying a need. Only later did it turn into a real relationship.
We've been together over 20 years.
Seriously, neither of us were looking for a long-term thing. We were just a couple of horny college students satisfying a need. Only later did it turn into a real relationship.
14
Can I get a boyfriend by being a slut? Last weekend a male friend was encouraging me to go after a guy I like. He suggested that if I straight up offered to sleep with the guy I could get regular sex from it, but that it probably wouldn`t lead to coupledom. My friend said that guys will fuck girls who fuck right away, but make girlfriends of the ones they have to pursue a bit. Hetero men are confusing!
15
Met drunk in a sleazy bar, poured ourselves into a cab, headed to my apartment, had great sex, and have been having greater and greater sex for the 19 years since then (only a couple of them married, since that is a new legal development--we popped the question to each other 18 years ago).
16
Ridia, a good question, and one that's probably worthy of its own post. Speaking for myself (and only for myself), I'm gonna hang around a lot longer if I'm getting great sex.
18
We are SO boring. My husband and I met at a brunch and spent the rest of the day together ... until he walked me to a date I already had planned that night. But the date was a dud, and the husband seemed like good husband material so I made him wait until about our 5th or 6th date to screw. We just hit three and a half years but we already have a mortgage and wills and a whole lot of gooey, blissful happiness.
19
What a sweet letter.
Not just for the happy remembrances of the beginning of long term relationships (congrats to M and his man, as well as to Dan and Terry), but for a mention of Sidetrack in Chicago - the bar that I compare all others to (is there any place like it in the Seattle area?).
How many bars/rooms did it have 10 years ago?
Not just for the happy remembrances of the beginning of long term relationships (congrats to M and his man, as well as to Dan and Terry), but for a mention of Sidetrack in Chicago - the bar that I compare all others to (is there any place like it in the Seattle area?).
How many bars/rooms did it have 10 years ago?
20
@14
Good question, Ridia. In my experience, I am much more likely to stay with a girl if I am having sex with her. Also, not sure why you would want to be with a man who broke up with you because you had sex with him.
Good question, Ridia. In my experience, I am much more likely to stay with a girl if I am having sex with her. Also, not sure why you would want to be with a man who broke up with you because you had sex with him.
21
Wow, how bizarre. I too was in the Sidetrack ~10 years ago (summer of 2000) during my one multi-day stay in Chicago. Several afternoons/eves running I took the El from downtown to have dinner at Ann Sathers (I think) or another place, and then walked around boystown for awhile. Wasn't looking to hook up since I wouldn't be in town for long; just wanted to soak up the ambience and be among my peeps.
22
It totally works for straight folks-going on 10 years with my guy. Finally dropped my looking for serious relationship BS and just went looking for hot sex. Found it~and found a wonderful relationship too. Sex first, relationship later does work.
23
Congrats to all sluts who have found lasting love by following their genitals! And yes, to the person who asked if it can happen for straight girls, a thousand times yes! Not only did I sleep with my current husband on our first date, we also went to a strip club on that same date prior to fucking. If someone sleeps with you and then judges you for having sex with them - the SAME sex they were having too! - that is a woman-hater and probably a self-hater so consider that asshole a bullet dodged.
24
Well, my six monther (so far) with an amazingly special guy started out as a hook-up in a cruisy area...
25
I met my partner of 19 years at a sex club in San Francisco (the Church -- anyone remember it from '90-'91 or so?). We didn't actually even have sex with each other the first time: we (with one other lucky fella) just got sucked off by same guy (thank you, Steve, wherever you are). All the real initial attraction -- the "wow, who IS this guy?" came in the sparkly-brainy afterglow-chitchat later on. Another hot time with him, this time one-on-one, in the same sex club led to the exchanging of phone numbers (I still have his, written on the back of a torn piece of paper that listed the club's "Glory Hole Hotline") and then to a super-romantic date a week later. The rest is history. I love him no end. Sluts can have everything it takes for the long haul -- just keep your head about you while all around you are losing theirs (or getting theirs, as the case may be).
26
I like hooking up earlier than later because well ... sometimes the girl psyches herself out of me. And well, when the girl starts to play "hard to get games." I usually don't play along. I kind of think it demeans us both, and I have better things to do than assuage the ego an attention craving whore. If great sex ensues (or at least sex with potential), then they hang around longer ... only to lose each other well ... usually after a move. It's also reassuring that well, sometimes if the girl hooks up with you or really really wants to hook up with you on the first night, there is at least some lust on her end, and that is worth a lot. Being a "nice" chivalrous, and gentlemenly? If you can sleep with a girl, on the first night, AND be respectful and appreciative, and mischievous. It's having your cake and eating it too ...
It's crap like that makes me believe, that at the root of it, most women are scared of commitment, or at least committing to the wrong guy too. I think society is what makes women want these "commitments". I mean the shame of it all! It's easier to take the plunge if you are guaranteed at least some decent sex.
It's crap like that makes me believe, that at the root of it, most women are scared of commitment, or at least committing to the wrong guy too. I think society is what makes women want these "commitments". I mean the shame of it all! It's easier to take the plunge if you are guaranteed at least some decent sex.
28
A lot of you people throw the word "slut" around like it's a bad thing. Sometimes you gotta get a little to get a lot more. Assuming M. is reading all these comments, I just wanna say congratulations. If it hadn't worked out hopefully the evening would have been just as pleasant, but it's fantastic that it did.
30
My partner and I met through the Craigslist Casual Encounters section. Two years together after a random internet hookup!
32
I slept with my current bf on the 2nd date under the pretext of "I could never date someone like him; he's totally not my type; I'm not even attracted to him; we have no chemistry; he'll never be more than a friend; but...I need to get laid" and tried to set up an FWB situation. Glad he stuck around until I got my head out of my ass! Now we're super in love, he's the most stable loving guy I've ever met, and we're moving in together soon.
The guy I dated before the current bf was a super-catch, I fell hard, and I never got farther than 2nd base with him in 6-weeks because I was trying to play the respectable-lady-makes-you-wait-so-you'll-value-it-more game. He turned out to be a jerk.
Ladies, throw out convention. All of my favorite couples, gay or straight, never started their relationships in a "conventional" way or by following some Cosmo Mag rules. You never know what will happen.
The guy I dated before the current bf was a super-catch, I fell hard, and I never got farther than 2nd base with him in 6-weeks because I was trying to play the respectable-lady-makes-you-wait-so-you'll-value-it-more game. He turned out to be a jerk.
Ladies, throw out convention. All of my favorite couples, gay or straight, never started their relationships in a "conventional" way or by following some Cosmo Mag rules. You never know what will happen.
34
Congrats to all the couples who made it so long, and had such great beginnings. Sometimes when it's right, you just know. I met my boyfriend at a show one night and we had a make out party in the middle of the dance floor. We ended up walking back to my place in the pouring rain and then taking a hot shower together. We actually didn't sleep together the first night, but stayed up until 7 am talking and making out. When he didn't bat an eye the next morning when I put on my hand-made tie dye night gown and oversize cartoon slippers, I knew he was the guy for me. we had out first official date three days later, and we've been together almost 2 years now.
I heard it said once (and I'm probably mangling the quote) that there is no right time, only the right person - I think that applies to everything - from one night stands to marriage.
I heard it said once (and I'm probably mangling the quote) that there is no right time, only the right person - I think that applies to everything - from one night stands to marriage.
36
This doesn't just go for gay men, either. I (a woman) met my husband at a party where we made out, molested each other & hooked up a week later and had sex pretty much right after our dinner date.
9 years going :)
9 years going :)
37
Just wanted to chime in that my bf and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary in March. Our first "date"? Making out on the dance floor at Roscoe's (a club across the street from Sidetrack) and then going home together.
38
what you girls aren't considering is that, being sluts and all, you make out in the bathroom and put out for all your dates and hookups. so when one, whichever of the many, lasts linger than a few weeks you can come on slog and get all weepy and say, "yeah, it all started in the 3rd stall at the bus depot..."
of course, you've been in the 3rd stall with about a hundred folks, but, yeah, it really is magical...
of course, you've been in the 3rd stall with about a hundred folks, but, yeah, it really is magical...
40
First of all (hehe, I type-o'd "fist" of all... almost didn't correct it) Congrats Dan and Terry!!!
Secondly... the first words I spoke to my mother about my squeeze was "I think I found a bootie call for the summer!".. that was last summer. This summer? We're getting married.
Yay for sluts!
Secondly... the first words I spoke to my mother about my squeeze was "I think I found a bootie call for the summer!".. that was last summer. This summer? We're getting married.
Yay for sluts!
41
@19 The only gay bar I've ever been to that could even touch Sidetrack is Marie's Crisis in New York.
Sidetrack: Out-of-this-world frozen drinks, the best music in Boystown, and you haven't lived until you've seen hundreds of hot gay guys and lesbians waving and tossing napkins in the air during the correct moments of "Don't Cry for Me Argentina".
Marie's Crisis: The basement bar is located on the land where Thomas Paine wrote Common Sense, older gay guys sitting around a piano singing showtunes, cheap drinks, and the very real possibility of hanging out and drinking with a huge Broadway celebrity. (I sang showtunes there with Alan Fucking Cumming two summers ago. No shit.)
Sidetrack: Out-of-this-world frozen drinks, the best music in Boystown, and you haven't lived until you've seen hundreds of hot gay guys and lesbians waving and tossing napkins in the air during the correct moments of "Don't Cry for Me Argentina".
Marie's Crisis: The basement bar is located on the land where Thomas Paine wrote Common Sense, older gay guys sitting around a piano singing showtunes, cheap drinks, and the very real possibility of hanging out and drinking with a huge Broadway celebrity. (I sang showtunes there with Alan Fucking Cumming two summers ago. No shit.)
42
same thing happened to me too! me and my husband met at a lake on the last hot day of the summer. he and his friend came down to the dock i was sitting at, during a break from work. both him and his friend were wearing military uniforms. soldiers are big in my neighborhood being so close to a large military base, but iv never dated one before. anyways, me and my friends took it upon us to hoot at them and tell them to take their clothes off and jump in the water. needless to say, they did. as they were putting on their shoes my now husband and I's eyes locked. and as they left to go back to work, he asked me for my number. we set up a first date, a double date. me and my cousin, and him and his work friend. (better safe than sorry haha) and my rather promiscuous cousin, at the end of the date, talked the guys into coming back to our house. later that night it was decided with little input from me or my husband, that they would stay the night. all four of us stayed up late talking and when my date got sleepy eyed, took him to my room to sleep, where sleep was only in mind. kissing turned into something more, and passion took over. we ended up spending the whole weekend together, even when his friend went home. we ended up marrying a year later, and i have never been more in-love in my life. it goes to show that sex on the first date doesn't ruin anything, if anything it just gets to the good stuff faster.
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