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News & ArtsMonday, January 4, 2010
Life / At Large Letters from a Malibu Starbucks
Posted by Lindy West on Mon, Jan 4, 2010 at 9:39 AM
- This is where I am right now.
Dear MILF,
Your Louis Vuitton bag is ugly.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Slut,
I can see your whole bottom.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Older Lady Keepin' It Classy,
You are the only person in Malibu unconcerned with whether or not people want to ILF you. Nice work.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Baby,
Why are you wearing so much makeup?
Love,
Lindy
Dear Stressed Out Personal Assistant Carrying One Hundred Iced Teas,
WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? I KNOW IT IS A FAMOUS PERSON. TELL IT TO ME. I INSIST UPON KNOWING.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Teen,
I know that dress was expensive, but I think it is actually a handkerchief for a baby midget. You look like child porno.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Rich Lady Who Picked Up Midwifery as a Hobby,
Shut up.
Love,
Lindy
2
I went to THAT Sbux once to stargaze on my one and only time at Malibu. All I saw were some middle-aged longhair guys who smelled like really good weed and wore $500 jeans. Good luck to you.
4
Wow...it sounds exactly like every other Starbucks I've been in. Is there also some hipster over in the corner on their laptop/iphone feverishly glancing meekly around the room and making ascerbic posts to their livejournoblogspacebook, to be read by noone?
6
Oh...not that my previous post was meant to imply that YOU were said hipster. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.
7
I'd be in Santa Monica's "Cora's Coffee Shoppe" on Ocean Avenue, but that's just me.
http://www.corascoffee.com/
I guess someone got a Starbucks gift card at a holiday party.
http://www.corascoffee.com/
I guess someone got a Starbucks gift card at a holiday party.
11
Lindy, you are hilarious. That said, please pick on some dudes. Or is that a ladies-only Starbucks? Surely there are some dudes to match the ladies.
16
Fortunately/unfortunately, every man in here so far has been either old and boring or painfully attractive.
17
Welcome to Southern California. Now can you please stop trying to reinforce your pre-existing stereotypes about this place? It's not very classy of you.
19
@18,
Because I can't think of any reason to go to Starbucks (except for free wifi I suppose, as Lindy pointed out). Starbucks doesn't sell anything good.
Because I can't think of any reason to go to Starbucks (except for free wifi I suppose, as Lindy pointed out). Starbucks doesn't sell anything good.
20
Starbucks has free wifi? the only time I went to a Starbucks for wifi (in Atlanta), it wasn't free.
24
i second questioning your woman-hate, like, obviously not every lady gets a free pass if she's a douche, but come on.
28
For a better (and unparalleled) view, go up the hill to Pepperdine and poach the law school wi-fi as a "visitor." If you're lucky, you may see Ken Starr. Then you could post a friendly letter to him.
29
Malibu has more trustifarians per capita than any other locale. Those weed-smelling dudes in $500 jeans are also unemployed.
31
@16
I hate to say it Lindy, but one day you too will be "old and boring."
Enjoy your youth while you can because one day some young hipster will be making cracks about you.
I hate to say it Lindy, but one day you too will be "old and boring."
Enjoy your youth while you can because one day some young hipster will be making cracks about you.
33
you know what else sucks about californians, they're all judgmental and looksist. that's right they judge people based on how they look can you believe it?
34
Dear @31:
Dear Older Lady Keepin' It Classy,
You are the only person in Malibu unconcerned with whether or not people want to ILF you. Nice work.
Love,
Lindy
Dear Older Lady Keepin' It Classy,
You are the only person in Malibu unconcerned with whether or not people want to ILF you. Nice work.
Love,
Lindy
36
I don't get it. If you wanted nice Italian food would you go to an Olive Garden? Starbucks sucks. One day celebrities will catch on to this and beat their personal assistants.
37
The Malibu Public Library has wifi. Anybody who chooses to go to *$ is already a masochist -- she cannot complain about anything she finds inside.
39
Dear Hipper-Than-Thou bitch judging everyone over your Machiato,
Go back to Seattle and please never leave.
Love,
Malibu
Go back to Seattle and please never leave.
Love,
Malibu
40
agree w/ #39 (though i'd subst. the word "bitch" i met plenty of hipster guys who are just as preoccupied with winning coolness points. everyone knows that when you die and go to the pearly gates only the coolest, wry-est, and most nasty narcissists get to pass the velvet rope to get an audience with god).
And like, there's another weird thing, what's with all the "ewww... revealing skin! oh my god! the human body! slut!" like, wtf? I get that it's in part a disgust with the hyper-sexualization of the female body (at the expense of attention to their other attributes, such as intelligence, competence or sense of humor) that is part of the culture of Malibu. But the lady "dressed like a slut" is just another person trying to get by within that system.
I have a boss who used to be just another incompetent, self-righteous priveleged liberal arts 20 something. Her sort-of-left-not-really-politically-fuzzy culture didn't prevent her from becoming another incompetent, self-righteous middle manager. You could hardly even call it selling out.
And like, there's another weird thing, what's with all the "ewww... revealing skin! oh my god! the human body! slut!" like, wtf? I get that it's in part a disgust with the hyper-sexualization of the female body (at the expense of attention to their other attributes, such as intelligence, competence or sense of humor) that is part of the culture of Malibu. But the lady "dressed like a slut" is just another person trying to get by within that system.
I have a boss who used to be just another incompetent, self-righteous priveleged liberal arts 20 something. Her sort-of-left-not-really-politically-fuzzy culture didn't prevent her from becoming another incompetent, self-righteous middle manager. You could hardly even call it selling out.
42
@20, customers with a registered card get 2 hours of free wi-fi when they buy something using their card. Others can pay for wi-fi access using a credit card.
43
kinda reminds me of this "bitch, pleeze" blogger parody on SNL.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/65920/saturday…
http://www.hulu.com/watch/65920/saturday…
44
Dear Lindy,
I already subscribe to your twitter feed. I feel cheated seeing this material posted in two separate locations. It's like your making my eyeballs and brain do twice as much work.
Love,
Josh
I already subscribe to your twitter feed. I feel cheated seeing this material posted in two separate locations. It's like your making my eyeballs and brain do twice as much work.
Love,
Josh
45
Having grown up in LA, I find the place worthy of its cliquish society stereotypes.
Its the place from whence I got a full, aching load of homophobia to bring to San Francisco when I was eighteen. See how nice they are?
And Lindy is hilarious.
Its the place from whence I got a full, aching load of homophobia to bring to San Francisco when I was eighteen. See how nice they are?
And Lindy is hilarious.
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