Slog
News & ArtsWednesday, December 30, 2009
Savage Love SL Email Exchange of the Day: Her Neglected Lady Parts
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Dec 30, 2009 at 11:00 AM
I've been with my guy for just about a year. We have a lot of fun together, and up until recently I had no complaints about our sex life. Sex with him is awesome. But here's the thing: Recently it seems like he isn't able to come unless he's fucking my ass. In theory, this is fine; as long as I'm making him come, it's all good. (For the record, he's good at making me come, too.) I had never tried anal sex before him; it was something we worked up to and he was really nice and un-pushy and gentle about it as we were building to it, and I've come to really enjoy it. But in the last two months, it really does seem like even if we start with my pussy, or we start with me going down on him, he can't finish unless he's in my ass. In the past, it wasn't hard to get him to come in my mouth or in my pussy, but now, again, not to belabor the point, but... he hasn't come anywhere else but in my ass lately, and I'm starting to feel insecure.No, I'm not asking if he's secretly gay. I know liking anal does not automatically equal gay. Also, no. He's basically the straightest guy I've ever met. (I grew up in San Francisco and went to art school; I've known a lot of gay guys, and specifically a lot of guys who were closeted when I first met them and then came out. I think by now I've got pretty good gaydar, and this guy isn't gay.) But I am feeling insecure. Is my pussy not good enough for him anymore? I do tend to get really wet, and I'm thinking this is a friction issue... maybe there's just a little too much lubrication going on. We're also both workaholics (just by virtue of what we do for a living) and don't always have the time to engage in marathon-fucking, so we end up squeezing in quickies when we can, so I'm thinking maybe this is an expediency thing, too. He is also older than me, and so though our libidos match pretty well, our staminas don't; we have a lot of fun, but he gets worn out quicker than I do. So the expediency issue kind of makes sense to me there, too.
I'm happy that I make him come and I'm happy to have him come in any of my applicable orifices...b ut I miss the feeling of him coming in my pussy, and I'm concerned that this is just the way it's going to be from now on. The paranoid part of me worries that my pussy just doesn't excite him anymore. Not because he's secretly gay, but because... I don't know... I'm not as tight anymore? I get too wet? So he can't stay hard? Or something?
Wants Him In My Pussy
My response—and WHIMP's response—after the jump.
Have you talked to him about it?Dan
Not yet. He's out of town this weekend visiting his family since he's going to be working during the holiday next week... so I'm sort of trying to mentally prepare for how to broach the topic when he comes back home. I'm also now sort of wondering how awkward it's going to be to have this conversation, like, four days before Christmas.WHIMP
All you have to say is, "We need to lay off my butt for a while." Smile, laugh, tell him you need a break, tell him it's great—the butt sex, all the sex—but your ass needs a rest now and then. Be upbeat, be positive. Treat it like it's not a big deal.That's the approach to take—remove your butt off the menu—before you make a federal case out of this. He may prefer anal, and he may assume that you do too, and so he goes there every time. Gently nudge him back to your front. If he resists or pouts, well, then you need to have a talk about your feelings regarding your neglected lady bits.
Dan
Meant to reply to this much earlier, but my life got eaten by the holidays. (I'm so ready for January, for real.)Just wanted to say thank you—this was tremendously helpful. Mostly because it was such a relief to hear that this might not necessarily be a Problem. And you were right—I literally said, "We need to lay off my butt for a while," and he busted out laughing. He had, in fact, interpreted my enthusiasm for the act as an indication that it was my most favorite thing to do sexually. Oops. We shared a giggle, are laying off the butt for the time being, and all seems good.
My aim in the new year is to try to be a bit more courageous and not be afraid to bring up stuff like this with him right off the bat—better for me, and presumably better for him that I'm not secretly stressing about whether or not my ladybits are inadequate while we're having sex. Obviously getting over fears and insecurities are not things that happen overnight, but I'm gonna do my damndest. And I really must thank you, for your advice to me personally and for your column, from which I have learned a tremendous amount about sexuality (and in turn my own sexuality), how to best deal with the various complicated and uncomplicated business of being in sexual relationships, and how to be as open-minded and GGG as I can be. I think you do really important work, and I really appreciate it.
Thanks so much.
He's In My Pussy Again
3
God I love a happy ending! No kidding. That's like the most genuinely heartwarming thing I've heard this whole holiday season. Thanks, Dan.
4
Yeah, I was going to suggest the same thing. I was also going to say:
1. Sometimes people get hooked on one thing for a while. Sometimes they never turn back, sometimes they eventually get their fill (so to speak) and go back to pussy, ass, whatever, etc.
2. I've found as an established couple that it can be easy to fall back on routine -- especially for those with schedules, as you mention -- and to go back every time for what worked the last time. Sometimes, if you want to mix it up, you have to be more explicit about it ... ask for it instead of waiting to "naturally" segue into it.
Anyway, glad it worked out so simply.
1. Sometimes people get hooked on one thing for a while. Sometimes they never turn back, sometimes they eventually get their fill (so to speak) and go back to pussy, ass, whatever, etc.
2. I've found as an established couple that it can be easy to fall back on routine -- especially for those with schedules, as you mention -- and to go back every time for what worked the last time. Sometimes, if you want to mix it up, you have to be more explicit about it ... ask for it instead of waiting to "naturally" segue into it.
Anyway, glad it worked out so simply.
6
Wait, communication helps with relationship problems? Is that why I'm single?
............................................________
....................................,.-‘”...................``~.,
.............................,.-”...................................“-.,
.........................,/...............................................”:,
.....................,?......................................................,
.................../...........................................................,}
................./......................................................,:`^`..}
.............../...................................................,:”........./
..............?.....__.........................................:`.........../
............./__.(.....“~-,_..............................,:`........../
.........../(_....”~,_........“~,_....................,:`........_/
..........{.._$;_......”=,_.......“-,_.......,.-~-,},.~”;/....}
...........((.....*~_.......”=-._......“;,,./`..../”............../
...,,,___.`~,......“~.,....................`.....}............../
............(....`=-,,.......`........................(......;_,,-”
............/.`~,......`-...................................../
.............`~.*-,.....................................|,./.....,__
,,_..........}.>-._...................................|..............`=~-,
.....`=~-,__......`,.................................
...................`=~-,,.,...............................
................................`:,,...........................`..............__
.....................................`=-,...................,%`>--==``
........................................_..........._,-%.......`
More...
............................................________
....................................,.-‘”...................``~.,
.............................,.-”...................................“-.,
.........................,/...............................................”:,
.....................,?......................................................,
.................../...........................................................,}
................./......................................................,:`^`..}
.............../...................................................,:”........./
..............?.....__.........................................:`.........../
............./__.(.....“~-,_..............................,:`........../
.........../(_....”~,_........“~,_....................,:`........_/
..........{.._$;_......”=,_.......“-,_.......,.-~-,},.~”;/....}
...........((.....*~_.......”=-._......“;,,./`..../”............../
...,,,___.`~,......“~.,....................`.....}............../
............(....`=-,,.......`........................(......;_,,-”
............/.`~,......`-...................................../
.............`~.*-,.....................................|,./.....,__
,,_..........}.>-._...................................|..............`=~-,
.....`=~-,__......`,.................................
...................`=~-,,.,...............................
................................`:,,...........................`..............__
.....................................`=-,...................,%`>--==``
........................................_..........._,-%.......`
8
A very sweet letter, but I couldn't help rolling my eyes a bit at her yammering on about how she's sure he's not gay. Well, duh. I also think it's crazy what some people consider "problems"!
Still, kudos to her for asking and you for giving the right advice, as opposed to someone telling her he's a selfish jerk with sicko desires, and possibly gay.
Still, kudos to her for asking and you for giving the right advice, as opposed to someone telling her he's a selfish jerk with sicko desires, and possibly gay.
11
I just wanted to ad that I doubt if it was because she was "too wet." I mean unless you're gushing like a hose or something I don't see how you could be too wet. Come to think of it, even gushing like a hose wouldn't be that bad!
12
Isn't it great how into anal people (especially womens) are these daze????
And I gots to agree with @8. She does seem to belabour the "he's not gay" point. Do people really still assume that there has to be a gay component to enjoying anal sex?? Tha's never been my experience...
And I gots to agree with @8. She does seem to belabour the "he's not gay" point. Do people really still assume that there has to be a gay component to enjoying anal sex?? Tha's never been my experience...
15
The ex definitely got "too wet." It got to be a real drag. It was like fucking a Goddamned swimming pool. OK, TMI.
These folks will get it worked out. Sounds like they have a lot going for them.
These folks will get it worked out. Sounds like they have a lot going for them.
16
gee, all she had to do was talk to the guy and now everybody knows her old dude has endurance problems...
19
Dan forgot to point out that if she would quit abusing herself with the jumbo zucchinis tightness might not be such an issue.
21
does anyone have any advice for someone who does get too wet, like myself? the friction does suffer and it doesn't feel as good for me, and i'm assuming for him.
22
@21: A good question, and one I'd like to see Dan run past his team of "experts." Sadly, he usually quits reading the comments here after it goes beyond 10 or so. Maybe you should e-mail him.
23
relationship advice: "Have you talked to him about it? "
computer advice: "Is it plugged in?"
But seriously, if you can't talk about ass fucking with the person who is ass fucking you, who can you talk about it with?
computer advice: "Is it plugged in?"
But seriously, if you can't talk about ass fucking with the person who is ass fucking you, who can you talk about it with?
24
@21: Yes, being too wet can definitely be a problem. It seems paradoxical, but spreading a girl's pussy open for some oral can air it out and dry it a little. Or if the oral just makes you more wet, just spread it open and expose it to the air. You can also use a cloth or something to wipe up the excess juices. Or use a condom for a minute: a lot of girls dry out from condoms.
26
Small problem, simple solution.
Slip'n'slide: Good question. All I know is that going on the pill or depo provera, or whatever, will thinken your cervical mucus, and that might help. Although, I will assume that you are like most young women and are on birth control, so ... maybe try taking an antihistamine before sex, because they can also dry up your mucus membranes? Or maybe try not drinking as much water before having sex? You should ask Dan, or maybe a doctor.
Slip'n'slide: Good question. All I know is that going on the pill or depo provera, or whatever, will thinken your cervical mucus, and that might help. Although, I will assume that you are like most young women and are on birth control, so ... maybe try taking an antihistamine before sex, because they can also dry up your mucus membranes? Or maybe try not drinking as much water before having sex? You should ask Dan, or maybe a doctor.
28
Was this heartwarming story fabricated for the most heartwarming of seasons, Dan? Because I don't think it adds up very well.
How can a person that is unable to say "hey, what's up with the exclusive coming in ass lately?" without having to consult a sex advice columnist first go through the logistics (both emotional and physical) of getting started with butt sex and having it regularly?
How can a person that is unable to say "hey, what's up with the exclusive coming in ass lately?" without having to consult a sex advice columnist first go through the logistics (both emotional and physical) of getting started with butt sex and having it regularly?
29
My roommate's boyfriend had the same problem with my roommate. They had anal sex one time, and now its all she wants ever. He complains to me about it. I gotta tell ya though, I don't really have too much pity for him.
30
Slip n' Slide, I had a too-moist friend who would come from oral/manual/vibrator stim first, then go to the bathroom to clean up a bit and insert and then remove a tampon to soak up excess, and than go back for penetration. It was a little bit of a hassle, but it helped.
If it's really a big problem you can talk to your doctor about treatments that can help, but most will have side effects that probably aren't worth it.
If it's really a big problem you can talk to your doctor about treatments that can help, but most will have side effects that probably aren't worth it.
32
@28: It's not like she figured out the "logistics" alone, she had someone else to go through the butt-sex adventure-and-discovery with her. In an effort to be GGG, she didn't want to sound totally turned-off to her partner with regards to the ass pounding, so she thought she'd ask someone how to be most considerate. Sounds like it totally "adds up," and she's just a nice person.
Also, just because it's a blog doesn't mean Dan throws his integrity out the window.
Also, just because it's a blog doesn't mean Dan throws his integrity out the window.
34
@28: You need to meet some girls. Seriously.
Many-- dare I say, most girls have been conditioned since birth to avoid conflict. Which isn't to say that there aren't girls who are aggressive, or that girls can't overcome that particular set of programming, but you have to understand the cultural baggage that many gals start with.
Accommodating a partner's desire for butt sex avoids conflict. Telling the partner that you'd like something besides butt sex may create conflict. I don't see an inconsistency here.
Many-- dare I say, most girls have been conditioned since birth to avoid conflict. Which isn't to say that there aren't girls who are aggressive, or that girls can't overcome that particular set of programming, but you have to understand the cultural baggage that many gals start with.
Accommodating a partner's desire for butt sex avoids conflict. Telling the partner that you'd like something besides butt sex may create conflict. I don't see an inconsistency here.
35
#8 & #12, regarding her "I know he's not gay" comments. She said that she's a long-time reader of Savage Love. I think that's probably why she felt the need to explain that part so thoroughly.
All of us who've been reading Dan for years have seen far too many men and women jump to that conclusion. So she was simply letting Dan know that she's not one of them. Probably wanted to cover her bases in case he assumed her worry stemmed from that.
That's what it seems like to me, at least.
All of us who've been reading Dan for years have seen far too many men and women jump to that conclusion. So she was simply letting Dan know that she's not one of them. Probably wanted to cover her bases in case he assumed her worry stemmed from that.
That's what it seems like to me, at least.
36
@34:
"...most girls have been conditioned since birth to avoid conflict." ????????
What planet do you live on??????
"...most girls have been conditioned since birth to avoid conflict." ????????
What planet do you live on??????
37
@9: That's supposed to be a facepalm in ASCII? All I can see is a hand with five fingers and a thumb...holding a conch shell?
39
@36: Earth. See the phenomenon of passive-aggressiveness. It's basically a shit way to avoid *explicit* conflict (to some, merely "conflict") and expertly employed by many, many women.
41
@18 How does anal for quickies not add up? I have found that my boyfriend comes way more quickly from anal. Not because he hates my pussy, mouth, or hand, but because some combination of tight, hot (in temperature that is), hot (in our minds as a "naughty" thing to do), and position get him off quickly. I think also the fact that when I come from being fucked in the ass, the natural muscle contractions are maybe harder and tighter and that pushes him over the top more quickly? It just doesn't seem that counterintuitive. Of course, I really enjoy anal sex, so doing it together doesn't involve him needing to stare into my eyes and talk about his feelings, massage my toes, light scented candles, and play Enya. Or whatever it is people are supposed o do to get women "in the mood" these days.
42
@36: I live in the real world. Not to be confused with the ivory tower.
Though it was a while ago, I still remember academia, "grrl" power, woman asking men out on dates, etc. For some reason that all ends a few years out of school. I wish I could tell you why.
Though it was a while ago, I still remember academia, "grrl" power, woman asking men out on dates, etc. For some reason that all ends a few years out of school. I wish I could tell you why.
43
@41 Yeah, I'm not quite sure what it is but unless I have been drinking pretty heavily, I am good for all of MAYBE 5 minutes when she lets me put it in her ass.
44
@18, 41, 43: It seems counterintuitive because, in my experience, anal usually takes some time and preparation. Unlike with vaginal, you need a condom to avoid UTIs, you need to get out lube and make a mess with it, and you need to ease gradually in with one finger, then two. Not like with vaginal where you can just spread her legs and stick it in for a quickie.
45
12 - I used to get a lot more wet before I started taking Pristiq. I don't recommend it for people who don't need pharmaceutical help with depression or anxiety. Anti-depressants not only dragged down my sex drive so it was better matched to my husband, but it made me a lot less wet than I was before, unless I get really turned on. May not be of much help to you, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case it helps someone else. :)
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
Hating People Doesn't Make Them Thinner by Jen Graves
-
Los Angeles Gay Bar Bans Bachelorette Parties Until Marriage Equality Is Attained by David Schmader
-
Fill in the Blank by Grant Brissey
-
This Reminds Me of the Great Calculator Scare of the Late '70s/Early '80s by David Schmader
-
Idiot Tries to Defend Bigoted Anti-Gay-Marriage Preacher on Anderson Cooper by Paul Constant
-
Six Moms with Too Much Time on Their Hands and a Shitty Website Decide to Fight Gay Superheroes by Paul Constant
-
Why Mayor McGinn's Wife Canceled Her Family's Seattle Times Subscription by Eli Sanders
-
What the Hell Is Wrong With Seattle's Pride Parade? by Dominic Holden
-
The Saturday Morning News by Unpaid Intern
-
NYC Man Ticketed for Not Riding in the Bike Lane by Jonathan Golob
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (45) RSS