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Saturday, December 26, 2009

News The Morning News: Gift Returns, Terrorism, Abortion, and Christmas Stories!

Posted by Unpaid Intern on Sat, Dec 26, 2009 at 7:12 AM

Posted by News Intern Jon Brock

Christmas Stories, Part 1: One year, my mom threw our Christmas tree out on the front yard, wrote MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS on the living room wall with ruby red lipstick, and locked herself in her bedroom for a day and a half.

Terror in the sky: More information is released on the man who tried to blow up a Delta Airlines flight traveling from Amsterdam to Detroit.

"About one of every five...": According to a Consumer Reports poll, that's the amount of people that are expected to return a Christmas present this year.

Not good: One of the two Pierce County Sheriffs that was wounded by David E. Crable is still in critical condition.

Christmas Stories, Part 2: One year, my mom didn't want to wrap our presents, so we lined up, closed our eyes, and held out our hands while she fished out our presents from a large black garbage bag.

Rational thinking: The Catholic Health Association backs the Senate's compromise on abortion funding.

The retail nightmare continues: People take to the stores to find good deals, and possibly presents for next year.

More tragedy: Today is the fifth anniversary of the Asian tsunami that took hundreds of thousands of lives.

Christmas Stories, Part 3: I wanted to get my mom a present, but I was a kid, thus no money. So I found an old Santa mug in our linen closet, thinking "she has to of forgotten that we have this," and I wrapped it up. She unwraps it and says "you got this out of the linen closet."

In Iran: As Ashura descends upon the nation, politically charged protests are expected.

Hiram Monserrate: Gay activists crash party thrown by New York State Senator who slashed his girlfriend's face last year with a broken bottle, and voted against same-sex marriage this year.

"Hiram's a wife beater! He can get married and we can't! How can wife beaters get married and we can't? Hiram believes marriage believes marriage should be between one man, one woman, and a broken bottle."

L.A. Hospitals: California regulators discover dozens of registered nurses that have committed felonies such as murder and sex offenses.

Comments (25) RSS

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Like I needed another reason to hate Delta?!! Wha!

Posted by vicvicvictorious on December 26, 2009 at 7:19 AM

Hey, this is a really good morning news update. Good job, unpaid intern.

Posted by The Cap'n on December 26, 2009 at 7:27 AM

Unpaid intern, please demand healthcare benefits. Afer a Mom like yours you need long term mental health therapy.

Posted by onthequest4peace on December 26, 2009 at 7:40 AM

So what is the secret of turning a white trash upbringing into something useful? How did you become the wonderful, intelligent, well adjusted person you are today?

Or is it an albatross around your neck that you flog for laughs once in awhile?

Posted by jnonymous on December 26, 2009 at 7:56 AM

@2: Truly, he's worth every penny they're paying him.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on December 26, 2009 at 7:57 AM

It's important that any time anyone is convicted of any crime, ever, that they be completely ineligible for all forms of employment in perpetuity. This makes up for the fact that we don't enforce life imprisonment and / or the death penalty for all felonies. Rehabilitation is NOT an option.

Posted by Chip on December 26, 2009 at 8:13 AM

@6 - The ability to commit certain crimes should make you unfit for certain jobs. For instance, paper-pusher crimes, identity theft criminal-types should not be in a job that allows them access to people's money or social security numbers: bank tellers, mortgage brokers, etc. Sex crimes should make you inelligible for work with people with diminished capacities over their own bodies: nursing...

Posted by Allyn on December 26, 2009 at 8:27 AM

And Jon, it sounds like you had the type of childhood that creates great character or mental instability. I hope you chose the character route...

Posted by Allyn on December 26, 2009 at 8:28 AM

OMG!

Murderous sex offending nurses!!

and the real travesty-

THEY CAN GET MARRIED BUT FAGGOTS CAN"T!!!

.

... and in despair I hung my head,

Posted by there is no Justice on earth, I said.... on December 26, 2009 at 8:32 AM

we're not fooled, intern-

you lifted those three 'family' stories straight from last weeks' Prairie Home Companion...

Posted by You don't DESERVE health insurance... on December 26, 2009 at 8:34 AM

@7: Like I said, rehabilitation is not an option. We should really just start executing these people; it's a far more efficient use of tax dollars. I mean, assuming we ditch death row and handle these cases in an expedited fashion.

Posted by Chip on December 26, 2009 at 8:35 AM

@11 -- @7 is right. Why your extremism? Merely to make a point that rehabilitation exists, I suppose. Maybe you have a close connection to criminals?

There are not only two choices as you have presented them: freedom to do anything anywhere or death to them all.

Incarceration serves a purpose, but it rarely is rehabilitation. Fullfilling a legal debt to society by serving time isn't the same thing as being responsible. I haven't seen any comprehensive tool/assessment to determine if a criminal has been rehabilitated.

Posted by hartiepie on December 26, 2009 at 8:50 AM

MORE STORIES

Posted by Nick on December 26, 2009 at 9:15 AM

So, your mom had/has Borderline Personality Disorder? Every story you just told reminds me of hearing those of one of my friends. Hope you are working through it.

Posted by BPDsux on December 26, 2009 at 9:31 AM

Yeah, thanks Unpaid Intern, for making me look bad.

Posted by Grant Brissey

on December 26, 2009 at 10:06 AM

Look out, Unpaid Intern, you've pissed off the Briss. You're gonna get Tidy Bearded left and right, poor dear.

Posted by gloomy gus on December 26, 2009 at 10:17 AM

Chip is an idiot. Off with his head!

Posted by Matt from Denver on December 26, 2009 at 10:20 AM

Christmas stories:

I believed in Christmas, but then my Dad woke me up one Eve because he couldn't figure out how to put all the toys together.

Posted by Kris Kringle on December 26, 2009 at 10:25 AM

If you look at photos of "The Situation," there are a bunch in which he looks like he was separated at birth from Dan Savage. Go Google it yourself.

Posted by Dan Savage IS "The Situation." on December 26, 2009 at 10:32 AM

@12: I am willing to concede that certain criminals are unable to be rehabilitated; but the L.A. Times article is an unhelpful panic piece relying heavily on emotional appeals and scare words. A rational discussion is impossible within such an environment.

The article does nothing to inform us why nurses are special, nor what the current rules are with respect to nursing licenses and past convictions. Irrational, ignorant fear-mongering deserves mockery.

Posted by Chip on December 26, 2009 at 10:36 AM

Jon, I have the same crazy mom stories that my brothers and I tell that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt (while our friends look on in horror...like the Christmas we were at the Honolulu airport and my mother screamed to my Japanese step dad, "You slanted-eyed bastard!" and a guy stepped out of line and yelled, "Hit her!") Good for you for making it out and seeing the humor in the horror. Merry Christmas!

Posted by klassy with a k on December 26, 2009 at 11:57 AM

@20 --- what? You expected the article to say "Nurses have responsibility for people who are vulnerable, therefore society should be wary of people with proven track records of abuses taking care of them"??

Seems like an assumption that wouldn't need to be written out.

Posted by hartiepie on December 26, 2009 at 12:38 PM

@ All that requested more Christmas Stories:

You'll get them in tomorrow's Morning News.

PS - Sorry, Grant. You can kick me in the balls when we're both back in the office.

Posted by Unpaid Intern on December 26, 2009 at 12:47 PM