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News & ArtsFriday, December 18, 2009
News / Sex / Religion US Army General's Order May Delay Christ's Second Coming! What Will Chuck Norris Do?
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Dec 18, 2009 at 10:12 PM
Um...
The Army general of U.S. forces in Northern Iraq has banned pregnancy among military personnel in his command, NBC News reported on Friday. Anyone who becomes pregnant or impregnates another servicemember, including married couples assigned to the same unit, could face a court-martial and jail time, according to an order issued by Maj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo.
- Better luck next virgin, Gabriel, I'm getting an abortion!
Anyway, seems to me, in my slightly impaired state, that Chuck Norris might have a beef with this Army general who's banned pregnancy. This policy will surely lead to abortions. Servicemembers who find themselves pregnant—which can happen even if you're using protection, general—might choose to have abortions to avoid a court-martials and jail time.
- BABY KILLER!
Quick! Chuck! Write another op-ed!
2
This is a good idea. The only problem is, people usually don't know they're pregnant for at least a month. The only option is to interrogate all Armed Forces employees to determine if they have had heterosexual sex in the past 9 months. If they have, they should be placed into a camp where they can be educated about alternatives to dangerous heterosexual sex. If they work hard enough, they can then become free. This policy should then be expanded to civilians and to foreign nations that we conquer.
3
Slog can be hit-and-miss, but that post was fucking awesome. Can this be a recurring series, written under the pseudonym Ed Absurdum?
4
Actually, if Yeshua had never been born, it would in fact have solved a lot of problems: no Jewish-Christian schism, no Roman persecution of Christians, no later Roman conversion to Christianity, no Crusades, no Martin Luther therefore no Catholic -Protestant schism, no Dark Ages - well, I could just go on-and-on.
Maybe some science fiction writerwill someday attempt an alternate history of what our civilization might have become had only we not latched onto the whole "son of God" myth: I'll bet we'd have warp-drive, have cured world poverty and hunger, be drawing our energy from clean, safe nuclear fusion and be living to the age of 250 by now.
Or at least have jet packs.
Maybe some science fiction writerwill someday attempt an alternate history of what our civilization might have become had only we not latched onto the whole "son of God" myth: I'll bet we'd have warp-drive, have cured world poverty and hunger, be drawing our energy from clean, safe nuclear fusion and be living to the age of 250 by now.
Or at least have jet packs.
5
Why does anyone give Chuck Norris an op-ed pulpit? He is clearly an imbecile, even conservatives recognize that.
8
The Army doesn't pay for abortions or provide abortion services. So assuming they can't get R and R and go home to have an abortion, it simply means people will face court martial and jail time period if pregnancy occurs. The Army also makes it pretty damn difficult to get a tubal ligation after you've had the number of children you want to have unless you are over the age of 26, even though they frown on pregnancy of female active duty service members as a whole, even those who are state side. Viewing it as a "get out of deployment" tactic, because of the six month delay for recovery time after the baby is born.
9
This is so strange, I mean... religious types are usually so calm and rational, where's this craziness coming from?
10
Do you actually think critically before you write, Dan?
You treat Slog like it's your personal LiveJournal account.
You treat Slog like it's your personal LiveJournal account.
12
whateves, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick every aborted fetus thats not Jesus, and then ask for more.
14
Once upon a time I used to think Chuck Norris was cool -- "Good Guys Wear Black", 1977.
That was before he became a completely lunatic douchebag.
Oh, and Maj. Gen. Cucolo is a lunatic douchebag too.
That was before he became a completely lunatic douchebag.
Oh, and Maj. Gen. Cucolo is a lunatic douchebag too.
16
Yeah, 'cause we all know how effective it is to order someone to not get pregnant. I think that makes it a double-dog dare.
17
It would be alarming, yes, if there had ACTUALLY BEEN someone born of a *cough* "virgin" in the days of Caesar Augustus. But since the Nativity never happened, we can all just laugh about it now.
19
First off having sex in Iraq violates general order #1 so basically by getting pregnant you knowingly incriminating yourself and disobeying a lawful order which is punishable under the UCMJ.
This isn't about morality, this is about pregnant soldiers at war. It's been a common tactic for a long time for chicks to get pregnant to get re-deployed and then abort; I remember chicks doing this in the 90's in Bosnia. The problems are mainly PR though. It would reignite the entire women in combat debate is some pregnant chick gets shot and killed or worse, captured and then beheaded while giving birth and then her child beheaded also.
This isn't about morality, this is about pregnant soldiers at war. It's been a common tactic for a long time for chicks to get pregnant to get re-deployed and then abort; I remember chicks doing this in the 90's in Bosnia. The problems are mainly PR though. It would reignite the entire women in combat debate is some pregnant chick gets shot and killed or worse, captured and then beheaded while giving birth and then her child beheaded also.
20
I don't wan't to steal Dan's thunder - because it is wonderful thunder - but the HuffPo article he linked ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-kell… ）Is pretty fucking great as well.
21
Silly Editor. Geezuz has super powers. He can make sperm swim across oceans and fly in the sky. He don't need no stinkin' virgin. Geezuz can make a baby with a hand full of Spam if he wanted.
22
#15.
haha! That's like warning him, "You're going to really enjoy that cheap bakery cake, but you already know that don't you?"
You're going to piss somebody off with this Jesus stuff, but you already know that dont you.
haha! That's like warning him, "You're going to really enjoy that cheap bakery cake, but you already know that don't you?"
23
Dan,
does Terri know
you're into the eggnog early?
> hic! <
This is a lovely little screed
just in time for the holiday.
Which raises a question-
just what exactly DO
cynical
bitter
apostate
godless
heathen
secular
humanist
buttfuckers
celebrate at Christmas?
Quick! Dan! Write another op-ed!
does Terri know
you're into the eggnog early?
> hic! <
This is a lovely little screed
just in time for the holiday.
Which raises a question-
just what exactly DO
cynical
bitter
apostate
godless
heathen
secular
humanist
buttfuckers
celebrate at Christmas?
Quick! Dan! Write another op-ed!
24
i enjoy those cheap sweet breads at inexpensive Mexican bakeries. The ones in Chicago, where I had my first, are as authentic as the ones south of San Diego, where I last had one. Thanks, but no thanks to the cheap humor of an Erotic Bakery. yet if one enjoys licking the icing off a spongecake cock, Merry Hannekha!
Be a fruit and multiply! (apologies to Genesis)
Be a fruit and multiply! (apologies to Genesis)
25
Wow, talk about a huge leap backwards. If we don't want to associate ourselves with religious extremists, we should not impose extremist policies.
26
When I read arguments like this, I think "Wait, are these good Christians questioning the omniciance, omnipotence, all powerful nature of God?" Couldn't SuperGod, with all his Super Powers, have just prevented Mary from going to the Federal Abortion Center that Obama will be opening next door to her local Wal*Mart?
27
this will work out great for the large number of women who are raped while serving in the military.
28
Agreed with cranky.
Clearly, the only way to prevent future pregnancies and abortions in Iraq is to enlist more gay servicemembers and promote gay sex in Iraq. Someone should ask Maj. Gen. Cucolo if he's in favor of repealing DADT.
Clearly, the only way to prevent future pregnancies and abortions in Iraq is to enlist more gay servicemembers and promote gay sex in Iraq. Someone should ask Maj. Gen. Cucolo if he's in favor of repealing DADT.
29
You know, Savage, you just crossed the line with this one. Remember, the woman you refer to as "the little bitch" is the Mother of God to some of your readers. As one to another, back off, faggot.
30
P.S. Antinous was a competing Deity. That's why Christians banned gay people. He was Hadrians lover and had his own religion. A very great and tragi-heroic story.
31
Dan, do these vile disrespectful crude excrements you vomit out onto the slog fill the dark gaping void in your heart?
33
Dan, it's a ban on pregnancy, not giving birth. You can't have an abortion without being pregnant, thus an abortion would not keep you out of jail. Not to mention, in a war zone, I doubt an abortion could be done safely.
34
I referred to Mary as "the little bitch" because... Chuck Norris made her sound like one, didn't he? He suggested that the only thing that stood between Mary and deicide—aborting Jesus Christ—was her inability to find a Planned Parenthood clinic. Chuck makes her seem callow and selfish... Chuck makes her seem untrustworthy and undeserving of the honor shown her by God... Chuck kinda makes her sound like a bitch.
So I was characterizing Chuck's characterization of Mary, the Mother of God, who was the Mother of God, according to Chuck, only because she couldn't get out of it. So who really insulted the woman who is "the Mother of God to some of [my] readers"?
So I was characterizing Chuck's characterization of Mary, the Mother of God, who was the Mother of God, according to Chuck, only because she couldn't get out of it. So who really insulted the woman who is "the Mother of God to some of [my] readers"?
35
My step sister was impregnated by a fellow soldier.
So of course I completely support this decision.
So of course I completely support this decision.
36
And to follow on from 26...
Wouldn't god know that somebody was likely to have an abortion, and with that knowledge then choose a different mother to insure humanity is saved? I mean, it's a big deal right, this whole saving of us people thing?
Given such a threat, I implore you to picture for example the Virgin Jessica, or the Virgin Matilda, or perhaps the Virgin Nicole.
If not, well it's hard out there for a deity and only the strong can survive. Got to bring your "A-game" if you want to be god.
Wouldn't god know that somebody was likely to have an abortion, and with that knowledge then choose a different mother to insure humanity is saved? I mean, it's a big deal right, this whole saving of us people thing?
Given such a threat, I implore you to picture for example the Virgin Jessica, or the Virgin Matilda, or perhaps the Virgin Nicole.
If not, well it's hard out there for a deity and only the strong can survive. Got to bring your "A-game" if you want to be god.
37
I was acually referring to Loveschild in @15 but I see she has not shown up to this post yet. Perhaps her head exploded after reading this and a memorial service is in order.
R.I.P. LC
Nice service.
R.I.P. LC
Nice service.
39
Dan Savage, you TOTALLY deconstructed the logic of Chuck fucking Norris! Way to go!
I look forward to the article where you give the Veggie Tales a piece of your mind.
Seriously, though, do you EVER tire of arguing with the dumbest representatives of any viewpoint? Sometimes your choice of rhetorical opponent reflects poorly on you. It would be like Chuck Norris, in an attempt to make himself seem more bad-ass, kicking the ass of an old woman.
I look forward to the article where you give the Veggie Tales a piece of your mind.
Seriously, though, do you EVER tire of arguing with the dumbest representatives of any viewpoint? Sometimes your choice of rhetorical opponent reflects poorly on you. It would be like Chuck Norris, in an attempt to make himself seem more bad-ass, kicking the ass of an old woman.
42
This is wonderfully epically awesome, the best Christmas-themed post ever. I have shared it all over kingdom come. Thanks in particular for the links on Antinous, one of my favorite classical figures.
43
@39, I normally support the view that we should look for our smartest opponents to debate, but Chuck Norris is a celebrity and has a column on Town Hall, which is a very important forum for conservatives. It's not like he's a 15-year-old home-schooler with a blog. What he has to say reaches many people and it's worth noting that he's a fool.
44
@26- Exactly. How can a human possibly fuck with God's plan?
Unless maybe God isn't what he's cracked up to be...
At which point the doublethink gets deployed.
Unless maybe God isn't what he's cracked up to be...
At which point the doublethink gets deployed.
45
[this web article stared at me just now while I was computering]
OBAMA AVOIDS BIBLE VERSES !
Here are some Bible verses that Pres. Obama avoids:
Proverbs 19:10 (NIV): "It is not fitting for a fool to live in luxury - how much worse for a slave to rule over princes!"
Also Proverbs 30:22 (NIV) which says that the earth cannot bear up under "a servant who becomes king."
And Ecclesiastes 5:2-3 (KJV) advises: "let thy words be few...a fool's voice is known by multitude of words."
Although Obama is not descended from slaves, he may feel that he's destined to become a black-slavery avenger.
Or maybe an enslaver of all free citizens!
OBAMA AVOIDS BIBLE VERSES !
Here are some Bible verses that Pres. Obama avoids:
Proverbs 19:10 (NIV): "It is not fitting for a fool to live in luxury - how much worse for a slave to rule over princes!"
Also Proverbs 30:22 (NIV) which says that the earth cannot bear up under "a servant who becomes king."
And Ecclesiastes 5:2-3 (KJV) advises: "let thy words be few...a fool's voice is known by multitude of words."
Although Obama is not descended from slaves, he may feel that he's destined to become a black-slavery avenger.
Or maybe an enslaver of all free citizens!
46
Apparently he was just messin' with ya:
A U.S. general in Iraq who listed pregnancy as a reason for court-martialing soldiers said Tuesday that he would never actually seek to jail someone over the offense, but wanted to underline the seriousness of the issue.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34524436/ns/…
A U.S. general in Iraq who listed pregnancy as a reason for court-martialing soldiers said Tuesday that he would never actually seek to jail someone over the offense, but wanted to underline the seriousness of the issue.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34524436/ns/…
47
We are close to drawing our energy from clean and safe aneutronic nuclear fusion, ending our nation's dependence on oil.
48
Aneutronic fusion doesn't emit neutrons and release millions of times more energy than petroleum.
49
@47
Riiiiiiight. The levels of faith that some people hold for their fellow man never ceases to surprise me. We'll have an oil-free economy if and when oil production/consumption becomes economically unviable. And if thousands of innocent people need to die so that the rich can remain rich, then so be it. Sad, but disturbingly true.
Riiiiiiight. The levels of faith that some people hold for their fellow man never ceases to surprise me. We'll have an oil-free economy if and when oil production/consumption becomes economically unviable. And if thousands of innocent people need to die so that the rich can remain rich, then so be it. Sad, but disturbingly true.
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