Slog

News & Arts

Line Out

Music & the City
at Night

« This Week in Film: Collapse… | Should Gay People Be Put to Death? »

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: What About The Other Part of My Question?

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Dec 16, 2009 at 12:33 PM

I hate to pester you with more questions after you have already been nice enough to answer a question from me, but you didn't answer the question about masturbation in my original email—the question you edited out of the version of my letter that you published—but that's probably good because I left out this detail. I wondered if I was somehow making sex harder to enjoy by masturbating too often. I regularly masturbate three times a day. But I'm careful when I masturbate not to use the "death grip." Am I somehow making it more difficult for myself to orgasm during sex? Could this be connected to my lack of pleasure during sex, because I am just used up? And thank you for answering my question. I'm still...

Not Sure What I Want

My response after the jump...

Sorry about deleting your masturbation question, SNSWIW. But you didn't phrase the question as clearly in your original letter. Anyway...

Beating off constantly could be hampering your enjoyment of sex—I mean, you're going to be pretty much spent/used up if you've beaten off three times already before you jump into bed with someone. There's a pretty easy way to determine if masturbation is the problem, NSWIW: stop masturbating. I also think you might have an issue climaxing with a partner because you aren't having the kind of sex that excites you, i.e. the dom/sub sex and role play that your published question focused on. If you're just doing vanilla sex with women because you're too timid to tell 'em what you really want, and if you're only sleeping with men because dudes will take the lead and hit on you, then you're not having the kind of sex that excites you with the folks you're most attracted to. That's not exactly a recipe for mind-blowing orgasms.

Also, some men, like many women, take some effort to get off. You could be one of those men. And are you circumcised? Some circumcised men have have sensitivity issues and more difficultly climaxing. Also, if you're spending that much time with your right hand, NSWIW, your dick may not be able to adapt to the sensations of someone else's grip and/or hole even if you're being careful to avoid the death grip. I would advise you to go find a dominant woman who's into what you're into. And when you find her, get one of these and give her the key.

Comments (20) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment

Discrimination! He might be left handed, yet you assume he's right handed.

Time to start a boycott.

Posted by Matt from Denver on December 16, 2009 at 12:51 PM

Thanks Dan. I've been meaning to ask this same question for weeks, but figured I should just stop masturbating and see. Now to test the theory...

Posted by Paulikin on December 16, 2009 at 12:57 PM

my bf takes FOREVER to come. Most times he wears out and gives up. I personally think it is a circulation issue, but I can't make him jog/exercise. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

Posted by Mike in MO on December 16, 2009 at 1:01 PM

Some men get habituated to coming a certain way when they masturbate, and it carries over into their sex life. They need to be sitting a certain way, having a certain type of pressure, etc.

Posted by Collin on December 16, 2009 at 1:06 PM

Hey, a Grinnellian!

Posted by Andrew Cole on December 16, 2009 at 1:10 PM

Choke the chicken; but don't strangulate it...

Posted by Bart Simpson on December 16, 2009 at 1:12 PM

Three times a day? Oy vey!

Posted by Vince on December 16, 2009 at 1:18 PM

Three times a day? Amateur.

Posted by kitschnsync on December 16, 2009 at 1:25 PM

File this under WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much information:

I run a marathon and countless 5Ks and 8Ks every year and get my ass kicked by a trainer three days a week and kick my own ass at the gym three more days a week and at the age of 41 just got asked by SEAN FUCKING CODY to come in and do an audition video. (I'm including that last part just because HEY! I'M 41 AND JUST GOT ASKED TO BE IN 20-SOMETHING PORN and excuse me if I'm feeling a little braggy about it all.)

Anyway, I'm in excellent shape. And I have lots of sex. And I almost never masturbate. And I rarely come. I'm not happy about it -- and neither is my husband -- but that's just the way it is. My doctor assures me there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not a comer. It happens. Don't worry about it, and just focus on enjoying the sex and the act of getting other people off. There are far worse problems you could have in life.

Posted by Nofo

on December 16, 2009 at 1:41 PM

@3 I'm in exactly the same situation. My boyfriend takes forever to come and often just gets tired and gives up, but in my situation, not until after he's tried for about an hour, by which point I'm exhausted and just want it to stop. Then I don't want to initiate sex with him the next time because I just know I'll be in for a long uncomfortable pounding. Which is sad, given how totally hot I think he is.
I don't think it's a circulation thing, my bf is really fit. Though if your bf isn't fit that could be helping to cause it. I'm guessing for my bf it might be a combination of circumcision and death grip.

Posted by frustrated on December 16, 2009 at 2:29 PM

Hey, can we get a NSFW tag on that link there? I mean, I know it's Savage Love and all, but some indication would be nice.

Posted by Ben on December 16, 2009 at 2:43 PM

Ummmm, 9, you are flattered to be asked to audition for Porn? I wouldn't brag about that, I wouldn't tell anyone and I'd try to forget it ever happened. It seems like you just wanted to brag, and not just a little. So, congratulations?

Posted by AKBitches on December 16, 2009 at 3:16 PM

[Also filed under Too Much Information.]

@9 That's unfortunate. I also rarely come with a partner. I've been working on being in better shape and avoiding too much familiarity in my masturbation routine. When I'm with someone and it looks like we're going to have sex I give a brief schpiel stating that I have difficulty climaxing, but I'm having fun and want that to be our focus. That seems to help...

Posted by B Strand

on December 16, 2009 at 3:33 PM

@ #11 - are you serious? You "know it's Savage Love" but want "some indication"? Your indication is that it is Savage Love. Duh.

Posted by Katy

on December 16, 2009 at 6:07 PM

Wait. Death Grip? Am I doing something wrong?

Posted by Donutspal on December 16, 2009 at 6:14 PM

http://www.curedeathgrip.com

Nevermind.

Posted by Donutspal on December 16, 2009 at 6:16 PM

@5 - That was EXACTLY what I thought when reading the published letter. I'm pretty sure I went to college with that guy. And yeah, if that's the college he goes to, there are plenty of dom women "tottering around campus in high-heeled boots and latex and leather," if only on theme party nights.

Posted by Grinnellian on December 16, 2009 at 7:27 PM

I'm just happy to see a chastity device in one of Dan's columns. When I read the letter, it was the first thing to spring to mind (unsurprisingly).

Posted by thumper

on December 17, 2009 at 5:09 AM

Oh, and in regard to what 11 said, I say what 14 said. In spades.

Posted by thumper

on December 17, 2009 at 5:11 AM

Fun fact: delayed orgasm and/or diminished orgasmic capability are common side effects of SSRI-type antidepressants. I don't know if this is relevant to NSWIW or anyone else on this thread, but seeing as SSRIs are so widely prescribed, I thought I'd throw it out there.

Posted by echizen_kurage on December 18, 2009 at 11:07 AM