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Monday, December 14, 2009

Life You Will Not Be Receiving My Money, Telephone Yeast Peddlers!

Posted by Lindy West on Mon, Dec 14, 2009 at 8:42 AM

The other morning I was reclining in my boudoir with a fresh Chocodile and some juvenile fiction (LIKE I DO), when my phone was all, "HEY! HEY! ANSWER ME! SOMEONE'S CALLING YOU! PRIVATE NUMBER! HAAAAAYYY!!!" so I was all, "Ka-boinggg!" because, you know, it could literally be anyone (Hollywood, Bollywood, NASA, young Harrison Ford, some sort of free-sandwiches-for-life sweepstakes, etc.), but then I was all "Ker-splooooosh," because I remembered it could be, you know, anyone (the taxman, the repo man, the money collector, evil NASA, old Harrison Ford, 1992 and it wants its ugly haircut back, some sort of free-yeast-infections-for-life sweepstakes, etc.) and that's why I have my policy, which I call Don't Answer Calls from Private Numbers: The Policy.

But anyway, I did. I did answer.

"Hello?"
"Hello, Ms. West?"
"Yup." [SIIIIIIGH. IT WAS THE MONEY COLLECTOR.]
"Hi, Ms. West. I'm calling on behalf of Emily's List, which you might remember is dedicated to getting progressive female candidates into office."

Now, being a bitchy feminazi vagihitler, there's nothing I like more than empowering women (unless they are prettier than me!!!), so I was all, "Emily's List HAAAAAYYY!!! I will listen to your stupid money pitch, you progressive bitchez!" I was prepared to pick up what this mysterious "Emily" gentleman (who, by the way, has not been proven to not be young Harrison Ford, so ka-boinggg, just sayin', etc.) was laying down. "I like the sounds of your cause, Sir Emily," I thought, ready to hear more. Also, Emily is a lovely name! The cause of anyone named Emily is surely something into which I would like to dump the literal fives of dollars (and Chocodile wrappers) cluttering up my boudoir. Let us proceed.

But then—then!—he says it.

As you probably know,

How? What? Why? Know what?

EMILY stands for

What? Stands for?

Early
Money
Is
Like
Yeast.

Early Money Is Like Yeast. Early Money Is Like Yeast. It's like yeast, but it's money. Early money. Early money is like yeast. Like yeast. Yeast. Yeast. Yeast. Yeast. Yeast.

It makes things rise.

YEAH. I GET IT. THINGS LIKE MY VOM. Wikipedia tells me that "Early Money Is Like Yeast" is a "common political saying." And beer and bread and the song "All God's Children Got a Place in the Choir" tell me that yeast is a beautiful and delicious organism that sings out loud on the figurative telephone wire, etc. But, for some reason when you say it, telebeggar, ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS A FERMENTED VAGINA IN A PANTSUIT.

And that I do not support. Even if it's the most pro-choice fermented vagina in the whole big, beautiful world. Guess what? Now I'm collecting money for my new organization! It's called YAMMBOMBA's List. It stands for Your Acronym Made Me Barf On My Bed, Asshole. Can you spare some bucks for a progressive lady's drycleaning bill?

CLICK.

(Girl power!)

Comments (20) RSS

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Vagihitler? That's the "V" bomb!

Posted by Vince on December 14, 2009 at 8:50 AM

"Got more yeast down there than a baker's cupboard, yup. All yeasty. Call me Ol' Yeasty McGoo."

Posted by Baconcat on December 14, 2009 at 8:52 AM

...too early. ...suddenly feel the urge to clean.

Posted by yawp on December 14, 2009 at 9:01 AM

"It makes things rise" seems less compelling than "it raises the dough," which is how they explained it on West Wing.

Posted by minderbender on December 14, 2009 at 9:05 AM

rawk on:

Let's
Inject
Nanner-flavored
Dannon
Yogurt...

...up in there stat.

Posted by pissy mcslogbot on December 14, 2009 at 9:11 AM

Thank you for the laugh.

Posted by kim in portland

on December 14, 2009 at 9:19 AM

you've reminded me that i should go seek out that kid that i gave up for adoption back in 1972,

lindy? LINDY? is that you? cum 2 daddy, you miscreant.

Posted by mmbb_c on December 14, 2009 at 9:25 AM

Your new organization caused me to have "La Bomba" stuck in my head.

YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YAMMBOMBA!

I'm paying it forward/back, to you and to everybody else who visits this comments thread. You're welcome!

YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YAMMBOMBA!

Posted by Christin on December 14, 2009 at 9:33 AM

DISCRIMINATING CATZ PREFER "THE EAR, THE EYE AND THE ARM" TO SEA TROLLZ ANY DAY

CATZ DO NOT LIKE TROLLZ

Posted by CATSPAW666 on December 14, 2009 at 9:52 AM

You should have labeled this post NSFLSB (not safe for lunchtime slog browsing). Ewww.

Posted by Christy O on December 14, 2009 at 9:56 AM

Mmmmmm.....paaaaantsuits......

Posted by TVDinner

on December 14, 2009 at 9:59 AM

You should just give to May's List instead.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on December 14, 2009 at 10:59 AM

Sorry, but this is the most self-absorbed drivel that has been posted on Slog for awhile. Not everyone connects the word "yeast" with your personal hygienic practices.

Posted by kk in seattle on December 14, 2009 at 11:19 AM