(Or maybe SUCCEED SO HARD THAT COMEDY WILL NEVER STOP CRYING BECAUSE ITS FACE HURTS!)

What's up, jerks. Tomorrow night I'll be comedically fisticuffing in the PRoK's Comedy Fist Fight at Annex Theater (9 pm, $10, 1100 E Pike St), a face-off that goes something like this:

“The phrase off” is a jokewriting competition in which two competitors are given the first half of a phrase and a few hours to finish it. A panel of audience judges decides which phrase is funnier in a best 3 out of 5 competition. Each night consists of 6 comedic performers competing to be Phrase-Off Champion of the night. Not exactly improv, this contest/free-for-all will showcase some of the brightest and most appalling minds of the Seattle comedy scene. Words will be said, prizes will be given, and everyone will leave a better person.

Each night consists of 6 different members of the multifaceted Seattle Performance including writers, sketch performers and members of the stand-up and improv scenes showing off their talents all hosted by Emmett "Mr. Hopeful" Montgomery!

Comedy Fist Fight is happening tonight and tomorrow night, with different line-ups in each show. Tonight's show features The Stranger's own David Schmader, who is funnier than me but without big boobs (SNAAAP!), competing against comedian Ross Parsons, writer/joker Becky Poole, Ian Schemp and David Rollison of Jet City Improv, and Kevin Kantner of the Ubiquitous They. And Saturday night you can see me (Lindy West) vs. the excellent Mr. Kevin Hyder, Too Beautiful to Live's Luke Burbank, neverending joke hose Solomon Georgio, and others.

Comedians, first we will face off and then I will literally take your face OFF. Or just start crying and fall down! Either one! Anyway, you people should go or something.