Slog
News & ArtsFriday, December 4, 2009
TV Anyone Else Catch Jersey Shore Last Night?
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 5:30 PM
We got through about 40 guidoriffic minutes of Jersey Shore—and, man, the commercial breaks on MTV seem eternal after watching shows on hulu.com for months—but we had to turn off the TV after those WHOREBAGS took their thongs off in the hot tub. (Then I rolled over and read the New Yorker, whipsawing my brain between lower-than-low-pop culture and high-mid-upper-middlebrow culture just like that! SNAP!) My boyfriend didn't think the girls—the guidas? like latinas?—could really be that upset about those WHOREBAGS taking off their g-string panties in the hot tup because, like, their panties were basically twat floss and there's not a lot of difference between nude WHOREBAGS in your hot tub and g-stringed WHOREBAGS in your hot tub. He suspected something else about the presence of those WHOREBAGS bothered the guidas... maybe they assumed the guidos had committed to being hot-tub-gangbang monogamous to them all summer?
But the reason we turned off the TV after 40 minutes was because we couldn't tell anyone apart. It was frustrating and made the show impossible to follow. But is it racist to admit that all guidos/guidas look alike to us? Seriously: from one minute the next we couldn't figure out who the fuck was who. The show was all a blur of fake-baked tits and upswept black hairdos and appalling tattoos and gold crosses getting lost in cleavage—and those were just the boys.
And we weren't the only ones unimpressed by Jersey Shore: Dominos Pizza has yanked their ads. Maybe Dominos doesn't approve of so many self-identified Catholics having so much premarital sex?
4
I watched both hours of it, and then thought about staying up to rewatch them when it looped at midnight. You have to stay with it awhile for the guidos and guidettes to start to differentiate, but I'm starting to get the hang of it.
"The Situation," he of the promo line "If hatin's your occupation, I probly got a fulltime job for ya," is magically egocentric in a lovable way. He, J-wow (sp?), and Sweetheart (wonderfully ironic nickname) are going to make the show really interesting, and Snooki/Snickers is one of the greatest hot messes to ever grace MTV.
"The Situation," he of the promo line "If hatin's your occupation, I probly got a fulltime job for ya," is magically egocentric in a lovable way. He, J-wow (sp?), and Sweetheart (wonderfully ironic nickname) are going to make the show really interesting, and Snooki/Snickers is one of the greatest hot messes to ever grace MTV.
6
I watched about the first five minutes of it. The producers definitely screened the perfect cast for this show. It was sorta like watching a greasy, gold-jewelry, tattooed train wreck in progress.
Oh, and am I the only person who thinks doing vodka shots is something practiced soley by trashy idiots? Who walks in a house and starts doing vodka shots before even saying hello?
Oh, and am I the only person who thinks doing vodka shots is something practiced soley by trashy idiots? Who walks in a house and starts doing vodka shots before even saying hello?
8
The worst thing about the morons is how much I would fuck those big muscled hot bodies. I want to do a threesome, so there is always a cock in one of their stupid mouths, removing the possibility they might try to speak.
9
Trying to differentiate between them (and remember all 8 of the names) was part of the fun for me.
The situation is under control. Hell yeah!
The situation is under control. Hell yeah!
10
@7- Guido is a subculture, and I've known a lot of Italian-Americans who referred to other people as Guidoes. I've never really hung out with Guidoes, so I have no idea if they refer to themselves by that title.
BTW, you don't have to be Italian American to be a Guido, all you need are the clothes and the attitude.
BTW, you don't have to be Italian American to be a Guido, all you need are the clothes and the attitude.
11
Also, I think watching it on DVR or whatever technology the kids have these days is probably the only way to get through the 55 minutes of programming stretched into two hours of time.
12
Yes, after the Dominos workers put boogers into pizzas on youtube and bathed in kitchen sinks, they clearly don't want to be linked with "whores" getting lucky in a jacuzzi.
Jersey Shore is just fucking brilliant, a totally trashy show revelling in its awfulness/awesomeness that all you can do is sit back and say, "Jesus Christ, I'm glad I'm not them but they are fan-fuckingtastic!" I had trouble distinguishing a few of the girls, but Snooki is by far the star of the show that she will hopefully destroy Heidi and Spencer in complete idiocy. The Situation will hopefully join her in complete buffoonery stardom and I will have a front row seat cheering them on for the rest of the season.
Jersey Shore is just fucking brilliant, a totally trashy show revelling in its awfulness/awesomeness that all you can do is sit back and say, "Jesus Christ, I'm glad I'm not them but they are fan-fuckingtastic!" I had trouble distinguishing a few of the girls, but Snooki is by far the star of the show that she will hopefully destroy Heidi and Spencer in complete idiocy. The Situation will hopefully join her in complete buffoonery stardom and I will have a front row seat cheering them on for the rest of the season.
15
Ugh, the daily misogynist frat boy jokes from Dan and David Schmader have become far too much to handle.
It would be nice if the best Slog writers (Paul, Dominic, etc.) would tweet their writing more for those of us who are sick of wading through hate speech and other regressive ranting on here. Twitter is a customized Slog + more.
It would be nice if the best Slog writers (Paul, Dominic, etc.) would tweet their writing more for those of us who are sick of wading through hate speech and other regressive ranting on here. Twitter is a customized Slog + more.
16
Zebes @14, TV is stupid. Read your Neil Postman: "television's conversations promote incoherence and triviality ... and that television speaks in only one persistent voice — the voice of entertainment," he wrote in "Amusing Ourselves to Death." The problem as he saw it was not trashy TV, but serious TV, or serious culture that adopted the standards of TV. Then again, he didn't live long enough to see "Deadwood."
17
I'm sorry Dan, but not having an HD compatible TV, or cable, or any inclination to go to www.mtv.com, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
18
@7 and10: I went to high school in Westchester, NY in the early '90s during the heyday of guidos and remember lots of people referring to themselves as guidos or guidettes (never guidas!). It was only a derogatory term to older generations. One of my classmates got in trouble for writing "GUIDOS RULE!!!" all over the school bus. You could always tell a guido because they wore Z. Cavaricchi pants with the distinctive white label on the crotch.
19
Hey now- Schmader OWNS the sexist beat. I nominate him for Seattle's Sexiest Sexist.
Though because they call themselves/each other WHOREBAGS, it's not really sexist to recount it- just good reporting.
Though because they call themselves/each other WHOREBAGS, it's not really sexist to recount it- just good reporting.
20
@15: "Twitter is a customized Slog + more" -- say what now? They're not even the same category of animal. But if Slog is too offensive for you, I encourage you to spend all your time at Twitter, not here.
21
Oh Fnarf, get your dander under control. Lizzie's not afraid to stir things up, and that's what makes Slog fun.
22
I have read no previous comments and all I have to say is that Jersey Shore is as boring as fuck and I lost interest and turned it off at the 20 minute mark. I really thought the show had potential.
24
It's spelled "Guidos," not "guidoes." Let's make sure we're all on the same page there.
Dan, you may be too gay to appreciate the difference between a girl who is completely naked vs. just wearing a thong or g-string, but the difference is that the vulva is exposed. That matters to straight guys.
I think Italians are considered to be white nowadays, so I don't think it's racist to talk about guidos or how you can't tell them apart.
I'm very glad that I no longer have any sort of pay TV.
Dan, you may be too gay to appreciate the difference between a girl who is completely naked vs. just wearing a thong or g-string, but the difference is that the vulva is exposed. That matters to straight guys.
I think Italians are considered to be white nowadays, so I don't think it's racist to talk about guidos or how you can't tell them apart.
I'm very glad that I no longer have any sort of pay TV.
26
Dan Savage saw a sexual relationship that he could play no part in.
No wonder he gave it 1/2 a star.
Dan Savage saw a sexual relationship that he could play no part in.
No wonder he gave it 1/2 a star.
27
@20 ... pride of ownership has gone a bit far here, man. Perspective. Do they pay you to comment?
28
I'm sorry, I just thought "Twitter is a customized Slog + more" was an unusually inane thing to say.
I receive one hundred thousand New Zealand dollars per word.
I receive one hundred thousand New Zealand dollars per word.
29
I watched most of the first hour, and couldn't stop thinking about licking those boys up and down.
The girls were all annoying whores.
The girls were all annoying whores.
31
For reasons probably too complex to explain in a comment, the proper term for female central-Jersey girls who emulate the guido-culture stereotypes are "bergerbits". Chanbersberg is the Italian section of Trenton...
But my real point here is that not everyone from Jersey, not even all of we Italians, are like this. Some of us even live in Seattle now and happily shop at REI.
But my real point here is that not everyone from Jersey, not even all of we Italians, are like this. Some of us even live in Seattle now and happily shop at REI.
32
Isn't Dominoes founded by the dude who wants to make the isolated community that'll ban all internet and print porn and only have "Family Values" folks living there?
34
@ 22: "Lizzie's not afraid to stir things up, and that's what makes Slog fun."
you are right, she is kinda fun; in the predictably polemic and tiresomely trite sense of fun.
you are right, she is kinda fun; in the predictably polemic and tiresomely trite sense of fun.
36
After reading all this I'm not the least bit interested in this typical MTV trash-a-thon. And as an Italian American, if someone called me Guido, I would be forced to call in the Gumbas with the gats.
37
Ugh: I used to live in NJ. This post, about this show which I will NEVER EVER SEE, just reminded me: don't move back to Joisey.
38
For those without televisions, I can confirm that the season premiere has already been posted to Usenet.
Just sayin'.
Just sayin'.
39
I'm in south jersey and I have to say in my dozen years here I've never seen anyone who even remotely resembles any of these people. They must have been imported from elsewhere.
40
@39
Head north up the turnpike a ways. They're there. Or go down the shore mid-summer. You'll find 'em.
@37
I'm with you. You couldn't pay me to watch that shit because I'm from back east. It's humorous and entertaining if you're a west coaster since you never, ever encounter this slime, but for those of us that know better, it's a form of torture to watch rather than a form of entertainment.
Head north up the turnpike a ways. They're there. Or go down the shore mid-summer. You'll find 'em.
@37
I'm with you. You couldn't pay me to watch that shit because I'm from back east. It's humorous and entertaining if you're a west coaster since you never, ever encounter this slime, but for those of us that know better, it's a form of torture to watch rather than a form of entertainment.
41
This show is not even on my radar, haven't watched it, don't care to watch, will never watch it. Life is too short to burn hours looking at idiots. Now burning a few minutes reading comments on the Slog - that's time well spent.
Seriously, Dan Savage thinks reading The New Yorker magazine is at the polar opposite of watching Jersey Shore? Maybe if he was reading an issue from the 1950s but a current issue ain't that far removed from the cultural detritus that is Jersey Shore.
Seriously, Dan Savage thinks reading The New Yorker magazine is at the polar opposite of watching Jersey Shore? Maybe if he was reading an issue from the 1950s but a current issue ain't that far removed from the cultural detritus that is Jersey Shore.
42
Dan, have you tried watching reruns of HeeHaw or The Dukes of Hazard? They might hold your attention to the end of the show...
44
@28 & @34: Forget it, my post made no sense at all. If Slog is fun because it stirs things up, then I should be encouraging the getting-up of dander. I would call for a lizzie/pissy cage match if it didn't sound kind of gross.
45
i wanna see these asses in 20 years... talk about leather faces!! lol about the catholic town: who's watching the kids? and please don't say the nuns...
46
I think anyone that revels in a show like this should eat a whole bottle of aspirin. Wash it down with a bottle of Jack while you're at it.
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