Find Your Valentine
Slog
News & ArtsThursday, December 3, 2009
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Good Fucking God
Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 2:19 PM
What is the etiquette surrounding hemorrhoids and anal sex of various stripes? Would you consider it rude to pursue anal sex with someone if you have a flare-up? I mean, its not like we're talking about an STD here. Does a hemorrhoid poking out of one's hole need to be disclosed prior to, say, commencement of rimming?Not Playing The Clever Name Game
Yes, NPTCNG, yes. Yes. YES. I can't image that you wouldn't appreciate a heads up before you mouthed someone's hemorrhoid. The golden rule applies even during anal sex: do unto others, etc. And please don't ever write me again.
1
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
How do people like this even get laid in the first place?
How do people like this even get laid in the first place?
2
Holy. Christ. This is easily the most queasy thing I have ever read on the Slog or in Savage Love. That guy who wrote in about making fake poop out of butyric acid and mashed potatoes? Walk in the park. The old lady who was considering moving in with a guy who wanted her to molest his children? A strong contender -- and easily more horrible than this -- but nowhere near the sheer GAH-factor here.
Blergh!
Blergh!
3
I was going to point to this as proof that there is such a thing as a stupid question, but then I thought of what might have happened if he didn't ask. blech.
4
Do you people even know what a hemorrhoid is? It's a bulging vein close to the skin. Like on the back of your hand, except it's on the anus. If you have no problem licking the back of your lovers hand, and you have no problem licking your lovers ass, then you have no problem with hemorrhoids. They are not open woulds or anything for god's sake.
7
@4: technically, its bulging veins in 2 sets of 3 clusters, one right outside the anus, and the other just inside. they can hurt like a motherfucker. they can and will bleed, and i'd imagine that assfucking someone while they're irritated to that point would be a very very bad thing indeed.
8
@5: Can I extend this to ruin roasted chickens for you as well?
Large flesh-colored mounds, oozing liquid and blood... is it a chicken, or is it a hemorrhoid? Who's to sayyyyyyy?
Large flesh-colored mounds, oozing liquid and blood... is it a chicken, or is it a hemorrhoid? Who's to sayyyyyyy?
11
the gay is all about image and appearance.
once you turn 30 or get 'roids you are out of the club.
sorry.
once you turn 30 or get 'roids you are out of the club.
sorry.
12
Eh, I've licked one. Immediately post-shower it's as clean as anything else. Piles of them, no way. But one little bump is no big deal. Again, nothing thrombosed and ready to burst and always, immediately post-shower.
15
Ask the Doctor:
(from www.hemorrhoidshemroids.com)
"People who engage in anal sex take some significant risks, including hemorrhoids, rectal prolapse, incontinence, fissures and higher chances of infection."
"The system of tissue, muscle, bone and tendon that allow the intestinal system to finish its job are quite complex. The anorectal canal is supported within the body by both muscles and tendons. Blood filled cushions line the bottom end of this canal, allowing the body to move, stretch and bend without damage to the canal itself. These cushions also help with anal sphincter control and signal the body when a bowel movement is necessary.
"Anal sphincter muscles are not very strong. They are also easily damaged. The hemorrhoidal blood cushions help protect these muscles and those of the pelvic floor from tearing. These cushions are filled with balloon-like veins. When necessary, the veins swell to make the cushions bigger and capable of absorbing more shock. After the need has passed, the veins usually go back down to normal.
"Internal hemorrhoids originate from these cushions when the veins swell so large they can't go back down.
Chronic abdominal strain and chronic anal irritation are the two root causes behind most hemorrhoids, and anal sex gives an ample amount of both.
"First, whenever the body senses something within the anorectal canal, it tries to push that object out. It's a reflex and it allows normal feces elimination to work. Much of that "pushing" comes from the abdominal muscles, which forces blood down into the hemorrhoidal cushions.
"Second, the normal function of the anal sphincter is to allow a bowel movement, not to be rubbed against for a long period of time. If you rub your hand rapidly back and forth across a rough surface, the tissue will swell due to irritation. Anal sex irritates the anal sphincter and anorectal canal in the exact same way.
"There are no 100% safe ways to perform anal sex. They don't exist, so if you want to be completely safe in terms of your sexual health, don't do it.
"There are a plethora of bacteria in the intestinal tract that live there permanently. They were never meant to live anywhere else.
"This isn't an STD page, so we won't be getting into all of the nasty infections you could get.
"However, everyone carries bacteria that cause disease, the anorectal canal is full of such disease causing bacteria, give them access to another part of your, or your partners body, and you are ripe for infection to set in."
More...
(from www.hemorrhoidshemroids.com)
"People who engage in anal sex take some significant risks, including hemorrhoids, rectal prolapse, incontinence, fissures and higher chances of infection."
"The system of tissue, muscle, bone and tendon that allow the intestinal system to finish its job are quite complex. The anorectal canal is supported within the body by both muscles and tendons. Blood filled cushions line the bottom end of this canal, allowing the body to move, stretch and bend without damage to the canal itself. These cushions also help with anal sphincter control and signal the body when a bowel movement is necessary.
"Anal sphincter muscles are not very strong. They are also easily damaged. The hemorrhoidal blood cushions help protect these muscles and those of the pelvic floor from tearing. These cushions are filled with balloon-like veins. When necessary, the veins swell to make the cushions bigger and capable of absorbing more shock. After the need has passed, the veins usually go back down to normal.
"Internal hemorrhoids originate from these cushions when the veins swell so large they can't go back down.
Chronic abdominal strain and chronic anal irritation are the two root causes behind most hemorrhoids, and anal sex gives an ample amount of both.
"First, whenever the body senses something within the anorectal canal, it tries to push that object out. It's a reflex and it allows normal feces elimination to work. Much of that "pushing" comes from the abdominal muscles, which forces blood down into the hemorrhoidal cushions.
"Second, the normal function of the anal sphincter is to allow a bowel movement, not to be rubbed against for a long period of time. If you rub your hand rapidly back and forth across a rough surface, the tissue will swell due to irritation. Anal sex irritates the anal sphincter and anorectal canal in the exact same way.
"There are no 100% safe ways to perform anal sex. They don't exist, so if you want to be completely safe in terms of your sexual health, don't do it.
"There are a plethora of bacteria in the intestinal tract that live there permanently. They were never meant to live anywhere else.
"This isn't an STD page, so we won't be getting into all of the nasty infections you could get.
"However, everyone carries bacteria that cause disease, the anorectal canal is full of such disease causing bacteria, give them access to another part of your, or your partners body, and you are ripe for infection to set in."
16
Dear god, this provoked me to do a google image search for hemorrhoid, and I will never, ever be the same.
17
As an unfortunate sufferer of the occasional hemorroid, and an unfortunately occasional enjoyer of the anal sex, I cannot *imagine* letting anyone near my ass during an episode. Oh, god, I can hardly sit just thinking about it. This person has to be either lying or crazy.
21
@18: You say "blood-soaked underpants" like it's an exotic and strange thing, Mister XY. Definitely not sexy (unless it's your fetish), but not rare to any XX who survived puberty.
Relevance? Absolutely none.
Relevance? Absolutely none.
22
Yes, in these days of STI's that kill you, the first thing you want is to get blood in your mouth without knowing that said person's anus is susceptible to bleeding.
UGH. *squick*
UGH. *squick*
26
@21 Thank you for the lovely reminder to stock up on tampons.
I don't understand how someone could possible think it was okay to NOT INFORM YOUR PARTNER THAT YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS before you engage in anything anal.
WTF? Common courtesy much?
I don't understand how someone could possible think it was okay to NOT INFORM YOUR PARTNER THAT YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS before you engage in anything anal.
WTF? Common courtesy much?
33
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I have hemmorhoids really bad from time to time ( i had to get some surgically removed...childbirth is going to be a pleasure cruise, beleive me) and i can't beleive anyone would want their 'rhoids so much as TOUCHED. when i'm in a flare, i don't want my gentleman friend within a country mile of the danger zone. its a sad affair all around. and let me reitarate : AHHHHHH!!!!!
34
Sallybobally,
Obviously, you haven't even considered the healing powers of tongue on your hemorrhoids.
please don't misconstrue this as an invitation, however.
Obviously, you haven't even considered the healing powers of tongue on your hemorrhoids.
please don't misconstrue this as an invitation, however.
38
@4, yes, it's definitely much more different than the back of the hand, as a hemmorhoid is by definition irritated, which means people are not able to wipe or clean it anywhere as well as they normally would, so there's much more chance of there being *mud* there. In addition, a hemmorhoid is much more likely to rupture than healthy ass skin,and if there's anything that's more of a turn off and more of a std risk during rimming/fucking than shit, it'd be blood
39
Hee hee! I've told the following joke for years.
Guy and a girl hook up at bar, go back to her place, shower, jump into bed. Foreplay commences, the guy kisses his way down her torso to her pussy, then he flips her over and starts giving her a rim job. Suddenly she begins to wiggle and shriek with laughter. "What's up?" he says, pausing in his labours.
"My hemmorhoids are ticklish," she giggles.
"Well," he says, getting back to work, "This should be piles of fun!"
Guy and a girl hook up at bar, go back to her place, shower, jump into bed. Foreplay commences, the guy kisses his way down her torso to her pussy, then he flips her over and starts giving her a rim job. Suddenly she begins to wiggle and shriek with laughter. "What's up?" he says, pausing in his labours.
"My hemmorhoids are ticklish," she giggles.
"Well," he says, getting back to work, "This should be piles of fun!"
40
@30 Please (I'm being completely sincere) enumerate all of the levels on which that is just so wrong. I hear that phrase CONSTANTLY from people and rarely is there ever more than one obvious response. It's not that I disagree, it's just that I'm so
G-O-D
D-A-M-N-E-D
tired of clichés.
This letter was undoubtedly written by a giggling cluster of mischievous 13 year olds with tape on their glasses and posters of Bruce Lee on their walls. I've had hemorrhoids and if someone tried to fuck me at that time I would have passed out from agony.
G-O-D
D-A-M-N-E-D
tired of clichés.
This letter was undoubtedly written by a giggling cluster of mischievous 13 year olds with tape on their glasses and posters of Bruce Lee on their walls. I've had hemorrhoids and if someone tried to fuck me at that time I would have passed out from agony.
41
Why is Dan so flippant or dismissive or silly or whatever he is being here- anal health is an important issue, especially for people who practice anal sex and a prominent homosexual sex advice columnist should be willing to address the issue seriously. 65% of gay men practice anal sex and gay men have anal cancer 30+X the rate in heterosexual men. CDC reccomends gay men have rectal pap smears. Some factual education is in order, if Dan isn't informed enough himself to address it surely Dr Jonathan Golob could. Does anal sex predispose to anal diseases? Are there practices that can mitigate that? People have a right to receive and Dan has a moral responsibility to deliver unbiased accurate information (even if it turns out to be politically incorrect and unpopular with the 'fan base')
42
I know what a hemorrhoid is, and I also remember seeing what one looks like in an old biology book. No, not many people would want to lick that, and secondly, you really shouldn't be getting fucked while you have a hemorrhoid ... why would you want to? Good god.
43
#42- For 4 reasons, perhaps.
1) After reading responses 1-42, apparently because not everyone does.
2) If you're the fuckER - because it is there. (Who doesn't love a nice tight fuck?)
3) If you're the fuckEE - because it feels good -?. ('nuff said.)
4) If you are either the fuckER or the fuckEE - maybe because it's something fun, new and different. (I mean it is something to brag about doing while out to dinner with friends.)
DISCLAIMER: I have no interest in participating in either the active (fuckER) or passive (fuckEE) position if there is any trace of engorged hemorrhoidal tissues / veins (otherwise known as speed bumps) present in either party. I have also never licked nor tasted any such tissues during such inflamed "periods".so have no evidence as to how analingual taste might be affected in a positive or negative way, although even these ASSessments may vary greatly between how individuals might interpret having a positive or negative impact on taste.
One last thought. I just realized my cat does it to herself all the time. She also has a habit of jumping on the bed and giving me a close up bird's eye view of her ass. As regards my reaction to my cat shoving her ass in my face, please re-read the above disclaimer.
1) After reading responses 1-42, apparently because not everyone does.
2) If you're the fuckER - because it is there. (Who doesn't love a nice tight fuck?)
3) If you're the fuckEE - because it feels good -?. ('nuff said.)
4) If you are either the fuckER or the fuckEE - maybe because it's something fun, new and different. (I mean it is something to brag about doing while out to dinner with friends.)
DISCLAIMER: I have no interest in participating in either the active (fuckER) or passive (fuckEE) position if there is any trace of engorged hemorrhoidal tissues / veins (otherwise known as speed bumps) present in either party. I have also never licked nor tasted any such tissues during such inflamed "periods".so have no evidence as to how analingual taste might be affected in a positive or negative way, although even these ASSessments may vary greatly between how individuals might interpret having a positive or negative impact on taste.
One last thought. I just realized my cat does it to herself all the time. She also has a habit of jumping on the bed and giving me a close up bird's eye view of her ass. As regards my reaction to my cat shoving her ass in my face, please re-read the above disclaimer.
44
Well, this is a god damn breakthrough in my ass ball problem... I thought I would share this miracle with anyone who is interested.. I had a type 4 bleeding prolapsed pile that god damn came outta my ass... It hurt just to walk, and sitting down it was so irritating. I'm just so glad i didn't have to go to see a doctor and it went away on its own. I did alot of research on the internet about what works, and i tried everything.. My own method worked for me BIG TIME... So here's my advice.
1> Don't try to pop or squeeze it because, it will damage the vein and the fucking roid will double in size.
2> I know this might sound weird, but make a big pot of my chili recipe.. (This is a substitute for the cayenne pepper cure) <---this is what did it folks... SERIOUS!!!
2 1/2 pounds of beef
3 28 oz cans of diced tomatoes
5 medium minced onions
2 14 oz cans of tomatoe sauce
2 cans of kidney beans
12 full tablespoons of chili powder
5 full tablespoons of turmeric powder
7 full tablespoons of cayenne pepper
5 minced cloves of garlic
1 tablespoon of garlic powder
1/2 cup of sugar
1 tablespoon of garlic salt
pepper to taste.
In a skillet cook the ground beef adding 2 tablespoons of chili powder, 2 tablespoons of cayenne pepper and 1 tablespoon of turmeric powder. When it is done and brown, drain it and set it aside. 2. add some cooking oil to the skillet and add the chopped onions and garlic, cook until they become clear and a little brown, add the garlic salt, mix and put aside. 3. Rinse and drain the kidney beans and cook them in water in a small pot until they become very soft, rinse again and put aside. 4. Now, in a really big pot, mix all the other ingredients together, and bring to a boil, then add the beef, beans, onions and let it simmer for 1 hour. Taste it to make sure that it is extremely hot, so hot that you can only stand to eat one bowl, if it isn't hot enough add more cayenne pepper.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You must eat one big bowl WITH 2 slices of whole grain TOAST w/ butter. And a glass of water. Twice a day <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Before you have to poop, put some vaseline or polysporin, whatever, to lubricate your asshole.. When you poop, it will be very hot, however the cayenne pepper is actually going to stop the bleeding and reduce the swelling dramatically.
3> After you goto the washroom, have a glass of ice near by, or something out of the freezer. sit in the bath tub for about 20 mins in really hot bath water, the sith bath thing. After you get out of the tub, wrap an ice cube in a bit of toilet paper, and sit on it for about 10 mins, while you towel yourself dry. Pat your but down with some corn starch, and get ready to do it again next day.
4> Last but not least, Do ass exercises by squeezing in your buttcheeks and holding for 12 seconds at a time, whenever you feel comfortable to do it, you should make a habit of this while on the computer or watching tv...
That's it, after about 5 days of this shit, my hemorroids were gone, and I had some good chili. I didn't even have to see a doctor.. Good Luck!
hdcorp is online now Report Post Edit/Delete Message
More...
1> Don't try to pop or squeeze it because, it will damage the vein and the fucking roid will double in size.
2> I know this might sound weird, but make a big pot of my chili recipe.. (This is a substitute for the cayenne pepper cure) <---this is what did it folks... SERIOUS!!!
2 1/2 pounds of beef
3 28 oz cans of diced tomatoes
5 medium minced onions
2 14 oz cans of tomatoe sauce
2 cans of kidney beans
12 full tablespoons of chili powder
5 full tablespoons of turmeric powder
7 full tablespoons of cayenne pepper
5 minced cloves of garlic
1 tablespoon of garlic powder
1/2 cup of sugar
1 tablespoon of garlic salt
pepper to taste.
In a skillet cook the ground beef adding 2 tablespoons of chili powder, 2 tablespoons of cayenne pepper and 1 tablespoon of turmeric powder. When it is done and brown, drain it and set it aside. 2. add some cooking oil to the skillet and add the chopped onions and garlic, cook until they become clear and a little brown, add the garlic salt, mix and put aside. 3. Rinse and drain the kidney beans and cook them in water in a small pot until they become very soft, rinse again and put aside. 4. Now, in a really big pot, mix all the other ingredients together, and bring to a boil, then add the beef, beans, onions and let it simmer for 1 hour. Taste it to make sure that it is extremely hot, so hot that you can only stand to eat one bowl, if it isn't hot enough add more cayenne pepper.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You must eat one big bowl WITH 2 slices of whole grain TOAST w/ butter. And a glass of water. Twice a day <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Before you have to poop, put some vaseline or polysporin, whatever, to lubricate your asshole.. When you poop, it will be very hot, however the cayenne pepper is actually going to stop the bleeding and reduce the swelling dramatically.
3> After you goto the washroom, have a glass of ice near by, or something out of the freezer. sit in the bath tub for about 20 mins in really hot bath water, the sith bath thing. After you get out of the tub, wrap an ice cube in a bit of toilet paper, and sit on it for about 10 mins, while you towel yourself dry. Pat your but down with some corn starch, and get ready to do it again next day.
4> Last but not least, Do ass exercises by squeezing in your buttcheeks and holding for 12 seconds at a time, whenever you feel comfortable to do it, you should make a habit of this while on the computer or watching tv...
That's it, after about 5 days of this shit, my hemorroids were gone, and I had some good chili. I didn't even have to see a doctor.. Good Luck!
hdcorp is online now Report Post Edit/Delete Message
Advertisement
Most Commented on Slog
-
SL Letter of the Day: Daddy Loves Who? by Dan Savage
-
SL Letter of the Day: Life Sentence by Dan Savage
-
Crowdsourcing Uncut Police Video from the Dec. 12 Occupy Protest at the Port of Seattle by Eli Sanders
-
Slog Bible Study: Deuteronomy 21:10-14 by Goldy
-
The AP Is Reporting That Whitney Houston Is Dead by Paul Constant
-
The Onion Is on a Roll: "Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon" by Charles Mudede
-
Announcing The Stranger's Tournament of Dunces! Who's the Dumbest Representative in the State House? by Christopher Frizzelle
-
Survey Says: Cyclists Would Rather Give Up Sex Than Their Bikes by Bethany Jean Clement
-
Stranger Tournament of Dunces, Match 3: Rep. Mark Hargrove vs. Rep. Norma Smith by Eli Sanders
-
Rachel Maddow Uncovered the Secret Ron Paul Strategy by Paul Constant
RSS
Facebook
Twitter
Comments (44) RSS