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News & ArtsWednesday, December 2, 2009
Chow An Andy Rooney Moment™
Posted by Paul Constant on Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 4:07 PM
Dear Seattle Coffee Shops:If you're going to make Stash Tea the only tea you offer, you might as well not offer tea at all. Or you should just serve boiling water instead. That shit is weak, in every sense of the word.
Love,
Paul Bobby ConstantP.S. Oh, come on! Tazo Tea? Why don't you just serve Starbucks coffee, too?
This has been An Andy Rooney Moment™.
2
I totally agree on the Tazo, blech. But I actually like the stash double-spice chai and green tea chai, but yeah the rest are pretty bad.
The worst though is Bigelow. They should call it Big-e-blow-chunks.
The worst though is Bigelow. They should call it Big-e-blow-chunks.
4
HA! if i had a dollar for every time i got the deer-in-the-headlights look from waitstaff when i ask what brand of tea they serve. "is it Stash or Bigelow?" "uhhh...."
PG TIPS or nothing!
PG TIPS or nothing!
6
Nothing is worse than Numi tea. But you know what the real travesty is? The joke that is hot chocolate served in Seattle coffee shops. Warm milk and Hershey's syrup? Fuck off.
8
@4: PG tips is the shit.
Honestly, I find it waaay more annoying when you get the self-righteous crap tea that is mighty leaf. SILK tea bags? SERIOUSLY? And it's not even decent!
Honestly, I find it waaay more annoying when you get the self-righteous crap tea that is mighty leaf. SILK tea bags? SERIOUSLY? And it's not even decent!
9
Stash and Bigelow = Gross
Please enjoy the following Andy Rooney as portrayed by Tracey Ullman clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSAJys8Bg…
Please enjoy the following Andy Rooney as portrayed by Tracey Ullman clip - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSAJys8Bg…
10
Kudos to Max and Banana. PG Tits all the way, with real 212 degree boiling water. But, you know, even indie businesses in Seattle seem to get their deliveries from the big Sysco truck. Very weird.
If you go to a dedicated tea house you won't get a decent cup of English tea but you will get a pleasant variety of Asian teas. My favorite is the Panama Hotel Tea House in the ID.
If you go to a dedicated tea house you won't get a decent cup of English tea but you will get a pleasant variety of Asian teas. My favorite is the Panama Hotel Tea House in the ID.
11
@5: hehehe :)
I wonder how much Gingham and in how many layers these people have on sometimes... ;)
I wonder how much Gingham and in how many layers these people have on sometimes... ;)
12
Here's my Andy Rooney tea thing: Some coffee drinker orders some insanely complicated coffee drink that involves forty separate steps to prepare. Grind the beans, make the espresso, dump it in the cup, pour the milk, add the chocolate, steam the milk, pour the steamed chocolate milk in the cup with the espresso, put the whip cream on top, drizzle with chocolate sauce—here's your mocha, have a nice heart attack. You order a tea and YOU ARE HANDED YOU A CUP OF HOT WATER AND ONE OF THOSE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED TEABAGS. They can't even be bothered to rip the open the packet and put your goddamn teabag in the goddamn hot water.
And I still tip 'em a dollar every time.
And I still tip 'em a dollar every time.
13
@10 (Beetlecat)- You seem to have accidentally typed "PG Tits" and now I can't stop looking at it. I think it's because a 'tits' typo is such a unexpected thing to see in a sensible discussion of tea, of all things.
Also... would P.G. Tits be like, the tits they put on Barbie dolls? Like, no nipples and it's okay, right? What is the deal with that anyway? Humans are so silly.
Also... would P.G. Tits be like, the tits they put on Barbie dolls? Like, no nipples and it's okay, right? What is the deal with that anyway? Humans are so silly.
14
jesus christ...i don't think i can handle any more permutations of "The Tea Bagger's Rebellion"...
1)Colonial fuss pots
2)Drunk and sexually ambivalent frat boys
3)Sub-moronic, Konservative, Obama-hating, belly-achers
4)Pissy, yuppie/hipsty 21st Century tea nancies
1)Colonial fuss pots
2)Drunk and sexually ambivalent frat boys
3)Sub-moronic, Konservative, Obama-hating, belly-achers
4)Pissy, yuppie/hipsty 21st Century tea nancies
15
I think Tazo's Awake tastes just fine. Stash and Bigelow are extremely poor, I admit. But I drink Tetley British Blend at home.
Also, I don't really like loose black tea... it's usually too strong for me, and I end up with way more tannins than I signed up for.
That has been two cents about my tea habits. Thank you.
Also, I don't really like loose black tea... it's usually too strong for me, and I end up with way more tannins than I signed up for.
That has been two cents about my tea habits. Thank you.
16
I worked at a place in Seattle when Tazo first came out. It made the cabinet we stored it in smell like pet flea-powder.
18
And I was just coming here to say that Tazo tea pretty broadly sucks, but their Earl Grey is particularly revolting.
20
You know most coffee shops will give you a cup of hot water for free/small charge? Bring your own tea if you care so damn much. Also don't expect good tea from a COFFEE shop.
What bugs me is how crappy/weak the drip coffee is at most places (especially Starbucks). I know, it's all about the insanely complicated/expensive espresso drinks, but I am a caffeine addict looking for a fix. I am not a sugar addict looking for a warm milkshake concoction. I also prefer drip to espresso shots (too bitter) and don't get me started on how stupid an Americano is.
What bugs me is how crappy/weak the drip coffee is at most places (especially Starbucks). I know, it's all about the insanely complicated/expensive espresso drinks, but I am a caffeine addict looking for a fix. I am not a sugar addict looking for a warm milkshake concoction. I also prefer drip to espresso shots (too bitter) and don't get me started on how stupid an Americano is.
22
Dear Paul,
That's interesting because yesterday I tried ordering a hotdog at my local PHO joint.....they just don't know how to cook hotdogs!!!!.....what I am I supposed to do?
Are the Vietnamese just bad cooks Paul? You tell me!
That's interesting because yesterday I tried ordering a hotdog at my local PHO joint.....they just don't know how to cook hotdogs!!!!.....what I am I supposed to do?
Are the Vietnamese just bad cooks Paul? You tell me!
24
bigelow is way worse than stash. at least the double bergamot earl grey from stash is ok. bigelow earl grey is god awful.
but hey - at least we're on the west coast - otherwise the only tea available is often lipton (and only the original kind).
but hey - at least we're on the west coast - otherwise the only tea available is often lipton (and only the original kind).
26
@7 "most shops think it's fine to prepare tea with tepid water. "
I don't know what places you go to but every Seattle coffee shop I've ever ordered tea from you ridiculously hot water.
I don't know what places you go to but every Seattle coffee shop I've ever ordered tea from you ridiculously hot water.
28
YES. thank you. i have come to judge coffee shops by the quality of the tea they offer. anywhere that sells loose leaf tea is the cream of the crop in my book. at the very least, choice organic, for crying out loud!
29
@20, @26: tea absolutely requires fully boiling water -- a rolling boil, not just thinking about it, and certainly not "hot water" that's been sitting in a cup -- to steep properly. The temperature is more important than the brand, in fact; Stash made properly is better than PG Tits made with goddamn tap water.
@13, "PG Tits" was me, and I've always called it that, because I am emotionally five years old.
Earl Grey is an abomination no matter who makes it.
@13, "PG Tits" was me, and I've always called it that, because I am emotionally five years old.
Earl Grey is an abomination no matter who makes it.
31
@29,
Fnarf, perhaps you could mention that you're talking about black tea? Boiling water will ruin pretty much any other kind.
Fnarf, perhaps you could mention that you're talking about black tea? Boiling water will ruin pretty much any other kind.
32
Everywhere trashy serves PG Tips. It's made by the same megacorp (Unilever) that makes Kraft Singles and Head & Shoulders shampoo. It's the Budweiser of tea.
33
ah, hot chocolate in a coffee shop.
it is astounding how many people will pay $4 for steamed 2% and a half ounce of ghirardelli sauce. and how many more will argue that a mocha is "not just hot chocolate with espresso."
except that with most shops, it is.
p.s. amen to the numi tea slam. the most overbearing earl grey EVER.
it is astounding how many people will pay $4 for steamed 2% and a half ounce of ghirardelli sauce. and how many more will argue that a mocha is "not just hot chocolate with espresso."
except that with most shops, it is.
p.s. amen to the numi tea slam. the most overbearing earl grey EVER.
34
@31: I'll echo that. Do not put boiling water on good green or white tea.
And I like Earl Grey.
Stash is cheap; coffee shops don't care about tea. Although considering the markups on a box of tea you'd think they could at least get something good to prevent posts like this.
And I like Earl Grey.
Stash is cheap; coffee shops don't care about tea. Although considering the markups on a box of tea you'd think they could at least get something good to prevent posts like this.
35
Having grown up with Irish immigrant parents in a house where we had tea all the time, I just have to say, you are all a bunch of pissy tea queens (regardless of gender).
(And I'm reminded of why I never order tea at coffee shops, etc.; they don't know how to make tea. The concept of pouring boiling water over the tea and letting it steep just seems to have escaped them.)
(And I'm reminded of why I never order tea at coffee shops, etc.; they don't know how to make tea. The concept of pouring boiling water over the tea and letting it steep just seems to have escaped them.)
37
Agreed, but go to a tea shop! Seattle has several decent-to-awesome ones scattered around. Teacup on Queen Anne, Remedy on the Hill . . . good stuff.
39
@15: Hate to admit it, but I agree about the tannin content in many loose leaf black teas. I like Twinnings lapsang souchong tea bags, steeped for eight minutes and served black or with a little milk.
41
In all this time, no one has reached for the "Constant Comment" gag. What discipline you Seattle folks have!
42
What's wrong with Constant Comment? That's been my favorite tea since I was about 10 years old. But you gotta get the loose leaf.
And yeah, otherwise I agree with #35
And yeah, otherwise I agree with #35
43
Why oh why do I always get served Earl Grey when I ask for "plain black tea"? I even get Earl Grey when I ask for English breakfast tea! Bergamot is an awful perfumey concoction that destroys the flavor of anything it approaches! I used to like it until I noticed that I was always nauseous after drinking it. When I ask it to be replaced by English breakfast or some other black tea, I get a blank look. Aargh!
47
Couldn't agree more, Andy! Especially when Seattle cafes have a local organic, fair trade certified tea company in their back yard. Check out Seattle's best kept secret, Choice Organic Teas, www.choiceorganicteas.com!
Couldn't agree more, Andy! Especially when Seattle cafes have a local organic, fair trade certified tea company in their back yard. Check out Seattle's best kept secret, Choice Organic Teas, www.choiceorganicteas.com!
50
As a 'coffee of the day' drinker, I rate coffee shops on how good their plain filter coffee is and how long it takes to get it. It seems that the more precious or pretentious coffee shops have the worst filter coffee - too weak and lukewarm and it takes 15 minutes to get because I have to wait for the iced, blended, half-caff, soy milk, caramel latte with whipped cream, extra foam and chocolate powder drinkers to figure out their orders. Come on people! If you can make a 1000 calorie, extremely complicated drink, you should be able to brew a decent pot of regular coffee. Besides - the filter coffee is probably one of the highest margin items on the menu after the crap teabags and hot water. It takes almost no time to prepare and serve, uses only coffee and hot water as the ingredients, and costs 2 bucks. This is half the price of the half-caff, soy milk, caramel latte with whipped cream, extra foam and chocolate powder which costs 4 bucks and takes five minutes to make, but takes 1/20th the inputs.
This is what I get to think about every time I have to wait 15 minutes for a fuckin' house coffee at most of these places. (The wait is 20 minutes if there is some salope talking on his/her mobile phone while trying to place her extremely complicated order.) This is why I make my own coffee at home whenever possible.
This is what I get to think about every time I have to wait 15 minutes for a fuckin' house coffee at most of these places. (The wait is 20 minutes if there is some salope talking on his/her mobile phone while trying to place her extremely complicated order.) This is why I make my own coffee at home whenever possible.
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