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News & ArtsSaturday, November 28, 2009
News Tiger Woods Hurt Not by the Car Accident but by His Blond Wife
Posted by Charles Mudede on Sat, Nov 28, 2009 at 12:15 PM
The Tiger Woods story has officially become interesting:
TMZ REPORT: WOODS' INJURIES CAME FROM HIS WIFE, NOT FROM CAR CRASHThis looks more and more like a domestic something or other. Especially now, let us not forget the Vikings and the way they terrorized Central Europe for centuries.
1
"Especially now, let us not forget the Vikings and the way they terrorized Central Europe for centuries. "
How African of you. Of course, every blond person in the world has to daily fight the urge to pillage, rape and burn a random village. For someone who claims to be so very intelligent, you really are narrow-minded.
But I suppose you believe a witch doctor could cure her of her violent demons, eh?
How African of you. Of course, every blond person in the world has to daily fight the urge to pillage, rape and burn a random village. For someone who claims to be so very intelligent, you really are narrow-minded.
But I suppose you believe a witch doctor could cure her of her violent demons, eh?
2
"His blond wife"? The Vikings? This post is yet more evidence that Mudede is a staff-written parody character like A. Birch Steen.
3
"let us not forget the Vikings and the way they terrorized Central Europe for centuries."
What? That comment in relation to this story makes a bag of rocks seem smart.
What? That comment in relation to this story makes a bag of rocks seem smart.
4
Hey, lay off the Vikings. For every trip we made to burn an English village, we made ten trips for mutually enriching trade. OK, occasionally we took a lass home with us and forced her into a life of eating lutefisk. We all have ancestral crimes on our conscience.
5
Charles is right to mention the Vikings. They took slaves. We tend to forget this, esp. the scandienatives here in the NW ....
You know that statue of the big Viking over at Shilshole? We should put at the bottom of it, "Son of a Slave Taker." Cuz that's what he wuz.
But Charles is way off agin history wise. "Central Europe"? Huh? You mean like the part of Cent. Europe that has Ireland, when the Vikings stole 30,000 Irish girls to be their "wives" in Iceland?
The part of Central Europe that includes France ? (Hint: Can you derive the word, "Normandy"??)England? (Hint: didja know part of it was called the Danish Mark? Ever wonder why Shakespare oft wrote about Danish kings?)
I guess to some people all parts of Europe, Western and Central, "just look the same, you can't hardly tell them apart"!
You know that statue of the big Viking over at Shilshole? We should put at the bottom of it, "Son of a Slave Taker." Cuz that's what he wuz.
But Charles is way off agin history wise. "Central Europe"? Huh? You mean like the part of Cent. Europe that has Ireland, when the Vikings stole 30,000 Irish girls to be their "wives" in Iceland?
The part of Central Europe that includes France ? (Hint: Can you derive the word, "Normandy"??)England? (Hint: didja know part of it was called the Danish Mark? Ever wonder why Shakespare oft wrote about Danish kings?)
I guess to some people all parts of Europe, Western and Central, "just look the same, you can't hardly tell them apart"!
7
Charles, once again you are the pinnacle of logic. The reason for this domestic assault is because he got caught cheating with that other blonde star whatshername. His current blonde viking wife, with whom he made viking/asian/black babies with, got pissed, naturally of course. Did I also mention his soon to be ex blonde viking wife is also extremely fucking hot? I would let her slap around a bit just for one night!
I also wouldn't doubt if his wife were black instead of a viking he would have gotten more than a scratched faced. Oh yeah, he was wasn't drunk, so they say, at 2 am on Thanksgiving night, yeah right. He has already admitted he popped a bunch of pills too.
I also wouldn't doubt if his wife were black instead of a viking he would have gotten more than a scratched faced. Oh yeah, he was wasn't drunk, so they say, at 2 am on Thanksgiving night, yeah right. He has already admitted he popped a bunch of pills too.
9
Statistically, if you keep a golf club in your home you are at far greater risk of being injured or killed by it than someone who doesn't have one. Same for having a blond in your home.
10
@6 -- the name caller -- didn't say they didn't attack Central Europe, so I guess it's time for that ultimate persuasive response: "neener neener back at ya!" they also cruised down into russia, ukraine, and Eastern Europe, I believe they went all the way down to the Black Sea, and they had incursions into North Africa, too. Taking slaves, raping all the way.
um.....what's your point?
um.....what's your point?
13
Any verification that would prove the rumor Tiger Woods was beaten with a wood for having an out-of-body woodie with a wooden home-wrecker? Or not...
14
Charles,
I just read the account in the NYT. What fazed me were two things.
First, that he sped OUT at 2:30 am. I thought he would be coming IN. And, that Elin, his wife headed out of the house with a golf club. Why would she run out of the house with a golf club? Did she know of the accident and then reached for the club first?
This episode has weirdness written all over it. As for the Vikings? Pssht! Maybe subtle humor on your part. But, I believe (if infidelity is the cause of her, Elin's ire) that it's more a case of "hell hath no fury as a woman scorned". And, instead of a frying pan she picked up a golf club. Woods is a golfer after all. It really has nothing to do with the Vikings who I find, are cool people.
I just read the account in the NYT. What fazed me were two things.
First, that he sped OUT at 2:30 am. I thought he would be coming IN. And, that Elin, his wife headed out of the house with a golf club. Why would she run out of the house with a golf club? Did she know of the accident and then reached for the club first?
This episode has weirdness written all over it. As for the Vikings? Pssht! Maybe subtle humor on your part. But, I believe (if infidelity is the cause of her, Elin's ire) that it's more a case of "hell hath no fury as a woman scorned". And, instead of a frying pan she picked up a golf club. Woods is a golfer after all. It really has nothing to do with the Vikings who I find, are cool people.
15
And let us not forget that the first words out of Tiger's mouth upon exiting the SUV were...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGQ-ISsDm…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGQ-ISsDm…
16
Vikings went everywhere, let's just leave it at that. Also, they were known for their cleanliness compared to the rest of Europe as they bathed every week and combed their hair.
17
@ 4
Au contraire -- that's what's so very nice about being Charles. None of his ancestors have ever done anything wrong -- or at least nothing he has to answer to anyone in the United States for. His parents' tribe may have committed some kind of atrocity against some other tribe at some point, but in the global sense his ancestors have only ever been victims. Which sucked for them, but it's great for Charles. Culturally, he's basically a homeless guy on a global historical street paved with stones and lined with glass houses.
The subtler consequence of this -- that his criticisms of others lack moral authority because he has no concept of self-criticism and self-correction -- is evidently beyond his ken.
We all have ancestral crimes on our conscience.
Au contraire -- that's what's so very nice about being Charles. None of his ancestors have ever done anything wrong -- or at least nothing he has to answer to anyone in the United States for. His parents' tribe may have committed some kind of atrocity against some other tribe at some point, but in the global sense his ancestors have only ever been victims. Which sucked for them, but it's great for Charles. Culturally, he's basically a homeless guy on a global historical street paved with stones and lined with glass houses.
The subtler consequence of this -- that his criticisms of others lack moral authority because he has no concept of self-criticism and self-correction -- is evidently beyond his ken.
18
I adore all this, comment and thread, my Norwegian ancestors and I thank you, Charles.
My favorite is the NYT annotated overhead photo of the Woods McMansion, jammed up against its luxury-tract neighbors, like a cookie on a baking sheeet, zero lot lines left and right. HERE he left his driveway in his Escalade...four feet later HERE he hit the hydrant...two yards further HERE he ran into his neighbor's tree...
My favorite is the NYT annotated overhead photo of the Woods McMansion, jammed up against its luxury-tract neighbors, like a cookie on a baking sheeet, zero lot lines left and right. HERE he left his driveway in his Escalade...four feet later HERE he hit the hydrant...two yards further HERE he ran into his neighbor's tree...
19
Oh shit! fucking vikings again! first they establish trade routes across the north atlantic and the system of rivers running throughout central europe from the Baltic to the Black and ultimately Mediterranean seas, installing a random series of christian, islamic, and judeic kingdoms along the way, then they make us listen to bjork, and now they're beating on Tiger. I'm not racist but it's time for those butter-headed water niggers to learn that Real America isn't going to put up with their nordo-fascist terrorist antics anymore.
20
"Especially now, let us not forget the Vikings and the way they terrorized Central Europe for centuries."
Also, let us not forget the way the Vikings were terrorized by the Chiefs, the Dolphins, the Steelers and the Raiders.
Also, let us not forget the way the Vikings were terrorized by the Chiefs, the Dolphins, the Steelers and the Raiders.
21
hard to resist a hot Viking bunny
http://www.killdawabbit.com/images/bugso…
careful though, they'll turn on ya, and ya escalade.
http://www.killdawabbit.com/images/bugso…
careful though, they'll turn on ya, and ya escalade.
22
From TMZ: "We're told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up."
If true, not surprising. Men aren't the only ones who can get really pissed off and and violent if they find out (or even suspect) their partner is cheating.
It always amazes me when someone marries a very desirable person (with his looks, status and money, Tiger would be a "10" for most women) and then expects them to remain faithful. Tiger probably gets at least ten come-ons from very attractive women every day. It would take a saint to never give in to that kind of temptation.
If true, not surprising. Men aren't the only ones who can get really pissed off and and violent if they find out (or even suspect) their partner is cheating.
It always amazes me when someone marries a very desirable person (with his looks, status and money, Tiger would be a "10" for most women) and then expects them to remain faithful. Tiger probably gets at least ten come-ons from very attractive women every day. It would take a saint to never give in to that kind of temptation.
23
@20,
Recent evidence also suggests that Vikings tend to be merciless against Seagulls. I think they seem to have a weakness against Bears however.
Recent evidence also suggests that Vikings tend to be merciless against Seagulls. I think they seem to have a weakness against Bears however.
25
Maybe this is a good wake-up call that woman batter men as much as the other way around, but men never admit it.
27
Yeah, well, my Teutonic ancestors kicked Viking ass for centuries. And they also invented Jagermeister, of which I've had way too much today. So there.
28
And if the headline had been "Tiger Woods Hurt Not by the Car Accident but by His Black, Blond Wife" it never would have been posted here.
29
ya fucked up Charles! Tiger wife's is SWEDISH. Vikings were DANISH or NORWEGIAN or ICELANDIC. not SWEDES! of course, you are fucking with us, and Dan TELLS you to write provocative posts so as to drive up the post views and increase revenue.
now, just a lil apology for being so pig ignorant, and everything will be fine. thenk yew.
now, just a lil apology for being so pig ignorant, and everything will be fine. thenk yew.
30
#25: "Maybe this is a good wake-up call that woman batter men as much as the other way around, but men never admit it."
I seriously doubt that women batter men "as much as" men batter women, but I've read (and believe) that women batter men a lot more than people realize, largely due to what you said: the reluctance of men to admit it or report it.
While women are likely not as physically abusive as men, I would bet they can be just as verbally and emotionally abusive. And recent studies & surveys seem to indicate that women now cheat almost as much as men do.
I seriously doubt that women batter men "as much as" men batter women, but I've read (and believe) that women batter men a lot more than people realize, largely due to what you said: the reluctance of men to admit it or report it.
While women are likely not as physically abusive as men, I would bet they can be just as verbally and emotionally abusive. And recent studies & surveys seem to indicate that women now cheat almost as much as men do.
31
The Vikings terrorized mainly *northern* Europe. It was non-Viking Germanic tribes who terrorized Central Europe, moving south into the remnants of the Roman Empire.
32
I'm glad that Tiger's African heritage didn't get drawn out, else he could have gone all Rwanda on her, and she'd only have one breast and half an ass cheek left.
And, come to think of it, since we're all originally from Africa, isn't it arguable that the Vikings were just particularly fond of letting their inner African out? After all, they were not likely more violent than any other race, but people in that area were simply ahead of the curve when it came to recording history.
I'm sure there was plenty of violent behavior in Africa, they simply hadn't figured out how to record it. Either way, I think we've used Charles' logic to more or less prove that all human atrocities can be tied directly back to Africa. I guess you can take the man out of Africa, but not the Africa out of the man.
And, come to think of it, since we're all originally from Africa, isn't it arguable that the Vikings were just particularly fond of letting their inner African out? After all, they were not likely more violent than any other race, but people in that area were simply ahead of the curve when it came to recording history.
I'm sure there was plenty of violent behavior in Africa, they simply hadn't figured out how to record it. Either way, I think we've used Charles' logic to more or less prove that all human atrocities can be tied directly back to Africa. I guess you can take the man out of Africa, but not the Africa out of the man.
33
First pirates, now Vikings. What is the next stereotype else are those darkies are going to pull out of the stone age?
35
@29, if woods was married to a south african, it would have been a zulu that came out with that golf club.
37
That's it, I'm returning my new Ikea loveseat I bought yesterday for Black Friday. I don't want no stupid Viking, Tiger Woods-beating furniture!
38
Sadly, Tiger's African genes will dominate his wife's genes. Apparently the Minnesotan kids next door are destined to make lutefisk of his unfortunate offspring.
39
maybe the point is that heritage is irrelevant? i might be reaching but i'd rather there be a reasonable reason for writing something seemingly completely nonsensical.
40
@38,
I don't know, have you seen photos of them? The little boy seems lighter skinned and a little more asian looking, and the girl, you can't really tell though. They are both supercute kids though. Judging by their parents, they'll probably grow up to models.
I don't know, have you seen photos of them? The little boy seems lighter skinned and a little more asian looking, and the girl, you can't really tell though. They are both supercute kids though. Judging by their parents, they'll probably grow up to models.
42
Obviously Dan has to be consulted and explain to Mrs. Woods that monogomy is not natural and she should not beat him wth a golf stick. With this insight I am sure they can live hapily ever after. Without it, I hope Tiger had a premarital financial agreement!
43
It doesn't matter who it its or what color they are, Charles. If it's anything-against-you it's going to make headlines here.
45
So much for the notion that most of our humorless, pedantic racists live in the South. Good job flushing out the crazies, Charles.
48
Charles, your headline is retro - in a creepy way.
Besides, before you go making assumptions on her lineage, how do you know the drapes match the carpet?
Besides, before you go making assumptions on her lineage, how do you know the drapes match the carpet?
49
Charles: "if woods was married to a south african, it would have been a zulu that came out with that golf club."
A zulu if he was married to a Japanese woman. For a South African, she would be a kapitein deklerk. (And a uhura for a Ugandan.)
A zulu if he was married to a Japanese woman. For a South African, she would be a kapitein deklerk. (And a uhura for a Ugandan.)
50
@ 22,
While I do believe that women can be as abusive and cruel as men, women rarely put their partner in the hospital. They also are much less likely to kill their partner. Elin Nordegren is (thankfully) a rarity.
While I do believe that women can be as abusive and cruel as men, women rarely put their partner in the hospital. They also are much less likely to kill their partner. Elin Nordegren is (thankfully) a rarity.
51
WOW - all my life I have thought the ancestry stuff was shit and racist of a sort. Who cares?
So old, so tired.
You are who you are, in the moment, total and modern. All the rest of that shit is silly.
And, ' ancestral crimes", wow, what a thread. So how is it that what happened genertions ago taints the entire future of millions ... silly and stupid.
By the way, slavery was a cultural norm for centuries in most parts of the world. See Aztec history, see African tribal history, all of Europe up to the 1700-1800 period, Asia, of course - where not? The great empires of the middle east, ancient and modern, of course.
So my unknown ancestors had slaves and fought unjust wars and ate the neighbors cattle, so what?
Me voici. Here, now. Forward.
So old, so tired.
You are who you are, in the moment, total and modern. All the rest of that shit is silly.
And, ' ancestral crimes", wow, what a thread. So how is it that what happened genertions ago taints the entire future of millions ... silly and stupid.
By the way, slavery was a cultural norm for centuries in most parts of the world. See Aztec history, see African tribal history, all of Europe up to the 1700-1800 period, Asia, of course - where not? The great empires of the middle east, ancient and modern, of course.
So my unknown ancestors had slaves and fought unjust wars and ate the neighbors cattle, so what?
Me voici. Here, now. Forward.
52
Right you are, YF. Women just kill their own babies (drowning them, eating their eyeballs, etc., etc.). No high ground there.
54
#22/yucca flower, I'm sure you're right, sadly, on both counts, that men are responsible for more injuries and more deaths of female partners than vice-versa. I wonder if men and women get equally angry, but men are just more physically violent, or whether men also tend to be unable to control their anger to the degree that women can. My guess is mostly the former with a little bit of the latter.
55
I wouldn't mess with the vikings in THIS town.
Longboats be rollin from Ballard swingin golf clubs gangsta style.
Longboats be rollin from Ballard swingin golf clubs gangsta style.
57
Sounds like a good old American traditional marriage to me: penis/vagina, off-spring and violence.
jesus and maggie gallagher are smiling from ear to ear
jesus and maggie gallagher are smiling from ear to ear
58
I love how Slog has all sorts of crazy and persistent, yet ultimately boring trolls, when all they have to do to improve their technique is model themselves after Charles Mudede. It's simply amazing how so many people can repeatedly fall for Mudede's hilariously over-the-top Racist and "Where the white women's tits at?" shtick.
60
Catalina @48,
I think Charles is just making fun of the fact that Tiger Woods married a former Swedish Supermodel. She was born in Stockholm.
I think Charles is just making fun of the fact that Tiger Woods married a former Swedish Supermodel. She was born in Stockholm.
61
It's all about club selection.
No way would I use a wood to inflict blunt-force trauma. I'd use an iron. A 3- or 4-iron would be perfect, still a fairly long club to generate good clubhead speed, but the smaller profile of the iron would be more likely to penetrate past the skull and significantly macerate brain tissue.
And don't forget to take the wind into account.
No way would I use a wood to inflict blunt-force trauma. I'd use an iron. A 3- or 4-iron would be perfect, still a fairly long club to generate good clubhead speed, but the smaller profile of the iron would be more likely to penetrate past the skull and significantly macerate brain tissue.
And don't forget to take the wind into account.
63
@52: Just to clarify, unless you're thinking of aother case, the parent who ate the child's eyes was a father - or at least was the identified male custodial parent for thr child.
65
I think this is yet another attack on Christians because of their religious beliefs. Interracial marriage should be put up to referendum and banned because that is what Jesus preached.
I'm tired of being attacked simply for being a Christian by all you atheists and Jews.
I'm tired of being attacked simply for being a Christian by all you atheists and Jews.
68
It was obvious from the get go the whole 90 pound chick had to free him from the accident by smashing a window with a golf club story was bull. She was swinging the golf club at the car before it left the driveway.
69
As Mudede's patented Logic-Leaping Corollary Proclamations (TM) go, I found this one pretty fucking funny.
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