Slog
News & ArtsSunday, November 15, 2009
Life Snowboarding Under the Influence
Posted by Dan Savage on Sun, Nov 15, 2009 at 5:12 PM
Just got back from Crystal. It was an amazing day—no lines, lots of great snow (that got slushy later in the day), the Snorting Elk wasn't packed—but look what I had with lunch...
Jesus, what a hypocrite. There was so much beer in my system that even my iPhone was impaired.
1
My wife has a loyalty card for Tesco's and every year they give her a free gift voucher on her birthday. The gifts are determined by what products she has bought over the course of the year and use bespoke marketing to provide a fitting birthday treat.
For the last five years she has alternated between receiving a bunch of flowers or a nice bottle of wine or champagne. This year however, they rewarded her with the biggest, fattest, creamiest cake you could imagine.
When she received her voucher she immediately broke down in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she cried that she was a big, fat pig. I tried to reassure her but she could see hear the insincerity in my voice. She told me that she must be a hideous glutton for her supermarket to think that her favourite gift would be cake, and with that she went to bed sobbing. Not wanting to get in the way I went off to the pub for a few drinks.
When I returned a few hours later I shouted up to my wife but there was no response. I walked up the stairs and heard the shower running in the en-suite bathroom. I walked in and opened the shower curtain to see her lifeless body sprawled on the floor next to a razor blade with the water running red over her slashed wrists.
Shocked I ran back into the bedroom where I noticed a note sitting on the bed with my name on it. I opened it to read my wife's suicide note. She said that the realisation that she was fat and ugly was too much to bear and that I would be better off without her so I could find the kind of beautiful, sexy woman that I deserved.
For the last five years she has alternated between receiving a bunch of flowers or a nice bottle of wine or champagne. This year however, they rewarded her with the biggest, fattest, creamiest cake you could imagine.
When she received her voucher she immediately broke down in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she cried that she was a big, fat pig. I tried to reassure her but she could see hear the insincerity in my voice. She told me that she must be a hideous glutton for her supermarket to think that her favourite gift would be cake, and with that she went to bed sobbing. Not wanting to get in the way I went off to the pub for a few drinks.
When I returned a few hours later I shouted up to my wife but there was no response. I walked up the stairs and heard the shower running in the en-suite bathroom. I walked in and opened the shower curtain to see her lifeless body sprawled on the floor next to a razor blade with the water running red over her slashed wrists.
Shocked I ran back into the bedroom where I noticed a note sitting on the bed with my name on it. I opened it to read my wife's suicide note. She said that the realisation that she was fat and ugly was too much to bear and that I would be better off without her so I could find the kind of beautiful, sexy woman that I deserved.
10
@6: you should try trolling the internet and insulting people. you'd be surprised how much emptiness it fills.
12
"you'd be surprised how much emptiness it fills."
i feel this a lot. those books about modern alienation society hypocrites each character, 250 or less twitter slog modern alienation society.
i feel this a lot. those books about modern alienation society hypocrites each character, 250 or less twitter slog modern alienation society.
18
Dan,
First, you're a snowboarder and still came to Crystal? Awesome.
Next time you're up come see me at the Bull Wheel, I'll buy you a drink. Or, we can go smoke weed and terrorize the mountain.
First, you're a snowboarder and still came to Crystal? Awesome.
Next time you're up come see me at the Bull Wheel, I'll buy you a drink. Or, we can go smoke weed and terrorize the mountain.
19
The canned Fat Tire thing is fairly recent. They're doing it for the sake of campers/hikers and because they're trying to break into the airline market. Tastes fine. And Fat Tire makes for one hell of a beer can chicken, I gotta say.
20
@18: Come two or three times every year -- get a terrain park, though, will you? My son requires a terrain park. Would come more often if you had one.
But yes to the drink...
But yes to the drink...
22
@5, 9, 17: Some craft breweries are moving toward using cans for the same reason the big breweries do: zero light damage, better portability, more compact, more convenient. It actually makes a lot of sense, and there's no real evidence of modern cans causing an off-flavor. Either way, just pour the damn thing in a glass; if you're being a purist about it you shouldn't be drinking your beer out of the bottles anyway, since it means you can't smell the beer and therefore can't truly taste it.
I will say, however, that bottle or can, Fat Tire travels very oddly. It's a very different beer once it's been shipped compared to what you get close to the brewery. Not bad, just different.
I will say, however, that bottle or can, Fat Tire travels very oddly. It's a very different beer once it's been shipped compared to what you get close to the brewery. Not bad, just different.
24
@ Comte, New Belgium apparently spent years figuring out a can design that wouldn't fuck up the taste. It's not the same can Bud uses. (It's possible that they swiped the design from Dave's Ales.) The result is that Fat Tire is actually better in the can than the bottle, and that's no bullshit. Check it out.
25
24,i think you mean dale's ales.
dunno if fat tire tastes better in the can or not, but i do know that shit is overrated.
dunno if fat tire tastes better in the can or not, but i do know that shit is overrated.
30
All beer cans are plastic lined. There is nothing special about New Belgium's beer cans. Cans prevent light damage 100%, bottles don't. Cans plastic lining contains BP-A, bottles don't.
32
Pennsylvania/WV (non-resident) beer geek here (yes, beer lovers exist on the East Coast, believe it or not!), just coming on to agree with 22 on the greatness of cans. Zero chance of light hitting it (no "skunking"), no head space where oxygen could linger, lighter, more environmentally-friendly, and there's a lot of places you can have cans you can't have bottles. http://tinyurl.com/craft-cans is a Brewers' Association article on craft brewed canning.
Only problem is the minimum number of cans required in an order (I believe 10,000) which have to have the same design...but that's really the brewery's problem, not yours!
Ohh, West Coasters who see Fat Tire everywhere would be totally surprised how little New Belgium makes it east....not close to available in PA yet.
Only problem is the minimum number of cans required in an order (I believe 10,000) which have to have the same design...but that's really the brewery's problem, not yours!
Ohh, West Coasters who see Fat Tire everywhere would be totally surprised how little New Belgium makes it east....not close to available in PA yet.
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