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News & ArtsWednesday, November 11, 2009
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: Have The Baby
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Nov 11, 2009 at 2:57 PM
First of all, I love your show, and I rarely disagree with your advice. Keep it up. As regards to the advice you gave to the woman on the podcast who is ambivalent about having children, however, I think you missed the boat.The fact that she is worried that her personality might make her a bad mother suggests to me that she would make a better mother than people who have babies by accident left and right. I would have told her to have a kid—and then remind yourself every day not to be a shitty mother. If she doesn't have a kid, she will almost certainly regret it later, when she is older. She will grow out of her fun-loving, flighty personality, like most people over 30 do, but she will also lose her fertility and will run a higher risk of having a kid with developmental difficulties if she waits till she is 45. And, hell, if she changes her mind while she is pregnant, she can give it up for adoption, maybe even to a gay couple.
In my humble opinion, you are also not in any position to comment on the kid vs. dog issue. You are not a dog person, as you have said and written multiple times, so you do not understand the bond that people
have with their dogs. I have a dog, and I have never, and will never consider putting her to sleep—except if there was a really serious medical problem, but I'd do the same to a person. I devote a lot more care to my dog than my sister gave her kid when she had one—unplanned, of course—at age 17. On that note, I think this woman would make a far better mother than Bristol Palin. Don't you agree?Anonymous Dog & Kid Lover
You're setting the bar awfully low, AD&KL, but agreed.
3
WTF? Adopt a kid, like many gay and progressive people do. You can adopt a child when you're 40 or 45 without increased risk of anything, except maybe more time to accumulate resources to take care of that child and yourself when you retire. You won't regret anything if you wait.
4
Also, someone who won't consider euthanasia for a suffering dog has a funny way of showing love. Weirdo. Breeder.
5
Well, she's got one thing right - Dan is definitely not a dog person.
Kids? Meh, I can take 'em or leave 'em.
Kids? Meh, I can take 'em or leave 'em.
6
fuckfuckfuckyou
Seriously, it's a major bitchslap to say anyone will "Grow out of ambivalence". Some people just don't want kids, and what the hell is wrong with adopting kids if she still wants them?
Seriously, it's a major bitchslap to say anyone will "Grow out of ambivalence". Some people just don't want kids, and what the hell is wrong with adopting kids if she still wants them?
7
I'd like to hear from the ladies, "If she doesn't have a kid, she will almost certainly regret it later, when she is older" Is this a statement of fact? Do ladies with out children regret it? Does a woman's sense of fulfillment come from having a child?
8
i would NEVER suggest that someone who is unsure about having kids should have kids, just in case they get old and wish they had done it. being a parent is FUCKING DIFFICULT, and not to be taken lightly. if you don't think you want kids, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
i say this as a mother of four. i adore my kids, but i would never put up with this shit if it hadn't been my clear intention to become a mother.
the very last thing a kid needs in this world is a parent who regrets having them.
i say this as a mother of four. i adore my kids, but i would never put up with this shit if it hadn't been my clear intention to become a mother.
the very last thing a kid needs in this world is a parent who regrets having them.
9
Thanks, spoiler. At 41, I've had occasion to wonder what life would be like if I'd had kids, but never regret. There's a lot of ways to find fulfillment in life that don't involve children. Yeah, she might have the kid and decide at some point she likes being a mom, but is that a chance you want to take? It's not like she can undo the choice once she's had the kid. That's not a nice thing to do to an innocent child.
10
Agree with 6 on this. Not to mention how incredibly condescending it is to say "And, hell, if she changes her mind while she is pregnant, she can give it up for adoption, maybe even to a gay couple."
I'm well over 30 and have never grown out of my non-child-wanting frame of mind. Most of my friends with kids had their first one over the age of 35 - several after 40. Is it more risky? Sure. But better for them AND their kids that they waited until they both wanted and were ready to accept the responsibilities that come with parenting.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around someone telling a woman who admits she's ambivalent about having kids that she should just do it.
The writer has a good point about Dan and dogs though.
I'm well over 30 and have never grown out of my non-child-wanting frame of mind. Most of my friends with kids had their first one over the age of 35 - several after 40. Is it more risky? Sure. But better for them AND their kids that they waited until they both wanted and were ready to accept the responsibilities that come with parenting.
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around someone telling a woman who admits she's ambivalent about having kids that she should just do it.
The writer has a good point about Dan and dogs though.
12
Agreed with a lot of people here bitchslapping on the "who knows if you'll regret it later!" Seriously, having children means committing to them for at least 18 years (usually more). Who the fuck takes up a responsibility that lasts for EIGHTEEN YEARS "just in case"?
13
There's no way in hell this woman devotes more care to her dog than even a moderately neglectful parent does to their child.
14
Wrong, wrong, wrong advice here. She will not "almost certainly regret" being child-free. She will more likely be thankful she didn't cave in to social pressure when she knew herself well enough to understand that her reasons for thinking about having a kid were not good enough. Her hesitation is a sign of maturity based on self-knowledge and honesty -- not "flightiness", for god's sake.
Dan, you were absolutely right on with your original answer. The question that needs to be asked is not "Do I want a kid?" but "Do I want to be a parent?" It's a difficult, life-long job that should be taken more seriously, and nobody who has doubts should be pressured into doing it .
Dan, you were absolutely right on with your original answer. The question that needs to be asked is not "Do I want a kid?" but "Do I want to be a parent?" It's a difficult, life-long job that should be taken more seriously, and nobody who has doubts should be pressured into doing it .
15
Sounds like this person regrets not having kids, or can't find someone to have kids with. Maybe because they spend so much time with their dog.
16
@ 7 - Well, Kennedy was in office when I was born and I have no kids and no regrets. I always knew that I wasn't going to have kids and I was always okay with it, figuring, yep, if I change my mind someday, I can adopt. There are plenty of kids needing homes, I have just never felt the need to produce one of my own.
This 'she'll almost certainly regret it someday' is a load of hogwash -- not worth the pixels it's printed in.
This 'she'll almost certainly regret it someday' is a load of hogwash -- not worth the pixels it's printed in.
17
I agree 100% with Dan's call that "people who are ambivalent about having kids shouldn't have kids".
Having said that I do think you did paint it a little black Dan. I realise that was all in the context of the call, but I found myself sitting up in my seat a bit thinking "hang on, what about all the good stuff?" Becoming a father is the best thing that ever happened to me, with daylight second. It is really, really hard sometimes, and do I quite like the heroin analogy, but I don't think you quite expressed just how high the highs can be, punctuated though they may be with toil and frustration and occasional heartache. But one minute of good makes up for days of bad, for me anyway.
Having said that I do think you did paint it a little black Dan. I realise that was all in the context of the call, but I found myself sitting up in my seat a bit thinking "hang on, what about all the good stuff?" Becoming a father is the best thing that ever happened to me, with daylight second. It is really, really hard sometimes, and do I quite like the heroin analogy, but I don't think you quite expressed just how high the highs can be, punctuated though they may be with toil and frustration and occasional heartache. But one minute of good makes up for days of bad, for me anyway.
18
@7,
It's a statement in my opinion. To each his/her own. BTW, I have two kids. I love them, it's an honor to be their parent, but they are a part of who I am. I'm more than a mom.
It's a statement in my opinion. To each his/her own. BTW, I have two kids. I love them, it's an honor to be their parent, but they are a part of who I am. I'm more than a mom.
19
rewind @ 18
Er, I should also like to say, that I wouldn't trade having them (my kids) in my life for the world. The good moments always eclipse the bad.
Er, I should also like to say, that I wouldn't trade having them (my kids) in my life for the world. The good moments always eclipse the bad.
20
I'm a 27 year old female who has yet to develop any interest in having children. I've decided to hold off saying I will never want kids until I'm 35. I have several married friends (some in their early 30s, others in their mid-50s) who decided long ago to forgo children. They have never regretted this decision and seem to have stronger relationships as a result. It's the couples with children that tend to be the most dissatisfied from my experience (particularly the parents in their twenties).
Also, having a child "just in case" is as ridiculous as people believing in religious dogma "just in case" their rational mind is wrong.
Also, having a child "just in case" is as ridiculous as people believing in religious dogma "just in case" their rational mind is wrong.
21
AD&KL is an effin' moron. Have a kid in case you'll regret not having a kid when you're menopausal? Really? Really? Seriously, I know plenty of women who're brainwashed into believing they were a loser if they hadn't gotten married, had two kids, and moved to the suburbs by the age of 30. I know plenty of women who regret marrying the first guy to come along instead of holding out for better. I know plenty of women, who no matter how much they love their kids, if they had a chance would not marry the same guy or have kids. In fact, I don't know anyone (who didn't want a "normal" nuclear family in the 'burbs) who held out against the pressure to have a wife/husband and kiddies and says they made a mistake by not choosing "normal". Although I do know plenty of people who caved and do regret it bitterly.
22
People should not have children "because you'll regret it if you don't". People should have children because they want to and can give the child a nurturing and loving environment in which to grow. If you have any doubts you will visit your misery on a poor innocent child. I would say become a foster parent or adopt. There are just too many children who already need a good home.
25
Picking up your dog's poop is in no way the same as changing a diaper, so AD&KL doesn't have clue about caring for a child. If this woman doesn't think she will be a good mother, she probably won't be.
26
well, might as well chime in. I was ambivalent about having kids, and while he is only 3 years old, he changed my ideas when he was born. I love having him. Mind you, I don't plan on having any more, he fills my world. But I originally had a child because my wife wanted one. Having a child can change you. I didn't want to be a bad dad, and try to be a good dad. I'll bet I'm not the only one to have had a child because the spouse wanted one. But it is risky to say that isn't it?
27
42 and not a single regret that I didn't have biological children.
When we have these debates, we rarely discuss what's in the CHILD'S best interest. I work with neglected kids and fucked up adults and I'm here to tell you that ambivalent parents do serious damage.
My husband and I became foster-to-adopt parents to an older child in our 40's and that's worked out great.
When we have these debates, we rarely discuss what's in the CHILD'S best interest. I work with neglected kids and fucked up adults and I'm here to tell you that ambivalent parents do serious damage.
My husband and I became foster-to-adopt parents to an older child in our 40's and that's worked out great.
28
It seems like there are 4 main options:
1) You don't have kids & decide you never wanted kids = wonderful.
2) You have kids & find out you wanted kids = contributing to overpopulation, but peachy for you.
3) You don't have kinds & decide you actually wanted them = you adopt/foster/babysit, providing gratification (if not quite as MUCH as having your own) while helping the less fortunate and making the world a better place.
4) You have kids & decide you never wanted kids = 2 lives ruined & miserable.
From a risk-reduction standpoint, the answer is clear.
1) You don't have kids & decide you never wanted kids = wonderful.
2) You have kids & find out you wanted kids = contributing to overpopulation, but peachy for you.
3) You don't have kinds & decide you actually wanted them = you adopt/foster/babysit, providing gratification (if not quite as MUCH as having your own) while helping the less fortunate and making the world a better place.
4) You have kids & decide you never wanted kids = 2 lives ruined & miserable.
From a risk-reduction standpoint, the answer is clear.
29
@7, I forgot to answer you. I'm 40, no kids, never wanted to be a parent. I have, at times, thought it would be cool to have a kid, but the life-long commitment of being a mom is not for me. I know myself, I have an unconventional life, and I love my solitude. Parenthood would make no sense for me.
That said, there are a few things I regret, like not getting to experience breastfeeding, for one. But I would be very unsatisfied as a mother, and probably resentful, too.
It is easy for our culture to accept that some men are "not the marrying kind" or not fatherhood material. The same is true for some women, and it doesn't make us less feminine or womanly. But as long as our definitions of those words continue to mean "nurturing" and "motherly", we'll still have way too many kids born from women who have no business being parents.
I also think more men should resist being pressured into parenthood when they're really not into it, and to do that, they need to find women (like me) who feel the same way.
That said, there are a few things I regret, like not getting to experience breastfeeding, for one. But I would be very unsatisfied as a mother, and probably resentful, too.
It is easy for our culture to accept that some men are "not the marrying kind" or not fatherhood material. The same is true for some women, and it doesn't make us less feminine or womanly. But as long as our definitions of those words continue to mean "nurturing" and "motherly", we'll still have way too many kids born from women who have no business being parents.
I also think more men should resist being pressured into parenthood when they're really not into it, and to do that, they need to find women (like me) who feel the same way.
30
Au contraire, AD&KL is setting it to the appropriate level way higher than the ground position you have dumped it to.
"In my humble opinion, you are also not in any position to comment on the kid vs. dog issue."
Check plz, may i also add , he is not in any position to comment on children period. How can someone of reproductive age take seriously someone who equates parenthood with having, and i quote:
"a heroin problem"
Yes being a parent according to mr Savage is like being a heroin addict. Implying that kids are somehow something soo harmful that they might end up killing you. And this is whom people seek advice concerning procreation a family building? Plz, people, seek the advice from someone who actually has a better concept about the family and society. At least someone who actually sees something thats life affirming in it.
"In my humble opinion, you are also not in any position to comment on the kid vs. dog issue."
Check plz, may i also add , he is not in any position to comment on children period. How can someone of reproductive age take seriously someone who equates parenthood with having, and i quote:
"a heroin problem"
Yes being a parent according to mr Savage is like being a heroin addict. Implying that kids are somehow something soo harmful that they might end up killing you. And this is whom people seek advice concerning procreation a family building? Plz, people, seek the advice from someone who actually has a better concept about the family and society. At least someone who actually sees something thats life affirming in it.
33
Dan, you gave exactly the right advice, and AD&KL is making the error that so many "have children by default" types make: thinking that the main barrier to a person like your caller having children is the worry about being a bad parent and that reassuring them that they're in fact good because they worry will make them go out and make a baby.
Listening to the podcast, I kept expecting a "biological clock" or similar deep-seated urge to have children mentioned, but there was NONE. The only "pro-reproducing" reason she gave was the "why not" and "everyone's doing it," which is great for doing drugs and skinny-dipping, but not so great for bringing a person into the world. There are so many unwanted and neglected children in the world - born from people who thought they'd come to enjoy being a parent - that it's irresponsible and selfish to try to transform yourself USING a child. Go read some philosophy, volunteer at an organization, fight world hunger; there are plenty of ways to step up and become a better person that don't involve bringing a small person into the world you're not sure you'll be happy with.
Thank you for giving her such solid advice; I wanted to call in to cheer you on for it (maybe I still will). I hope that more people like your caller heard your response and are learning that if you don't feel like having children, YOU DON'T HAVE TO and probably should focus your energies on other things, especially mentoring existing children who would greatly appreciate the support.
Listening to the podcast, I kept expecting a "biological clock" or similar deep-seated urge to have children mentioned, but there was NONE. The only "pro-reproducing" reason she gave was the "why not" and "everyone's doing it," which is great for doing drugs and skinny-dipping, but not so great for bringing a person into the world. There are so many unwanted and neglected children in the world - born from people who thought they'd come to enjoy being a parent - that it's irresponsible and selfish to try to transform yourself USING a child. Go read some philosophy, volunteer at an organization, fight world hunger; there are plenty of ways to step up and become a better person that don't involve bringing a small person into the world you're not sure you'll be happy with.
Thank you for giving her such solid advice; I wanted to call in to cheer you on for it (maybe I still will). I hope that more people like your caller heard your response and are learning that if you don't feel like having children, YOU DON'T HAVE TO and probably should focus your energies on other things, especially mentoring existing children who would greatly appreciate the support.
34
I think very few people ever regret having kids. But I also think there are fewer people than you imagine who regret *not* having kids. When you don't have that actual little being in the world who has stolen your heart and changed you forever, you don't miss it and long for it like the cliche would suggest. Sure, some people really want kids and can't have them. But I believe that people who choose other paths can find perfectly satisfactory and fulfilling lives outside of the "norm". There is just a lot of pressure for the norm, and that is probably what the caller is feeling.
35
What a strange bunch of binary thinking. There are more than two choices of thought.
I'm over fifty and I regret not having kids. I wanted them. Still do.
Nobody should have kids as a hedge against the future. How stupid is that? The kids could turn out horrible and hate you. Or you them. That's no joy.
And having worked in therapy centers where parents were court-mandated to receive parenting tips and mentoring, I can assure you that there is no real maternal or paternal instinct that will magically kick in. Sometimes it does, but no reason to expect it. The results of parents being rotten is all too familiar.
I still wish I had kids though. Adoption isn't as easy as some people seem to think.....
I'm over fifty and I regret not having kids. I wanted them. Still do.
Nobody should have kids as a hedge against the future. How stupid is that? The kids could turn out horrible and hate you. Or you them. That's no joy.
And having worked in therapy centers where parents were court-mandated to receive parenting tips and mentoring, I can assure you that there is no real maternal or paternal instinct that will magically kick in. Sometimes it does, but no reason to expect it. The results of parents being rotten is all too familiar.
I still wish I had kids though. Adoption isn't as easy as some people seem to think.....
36
"Daddy, what does regret mean?
Well son, the funny thing about regret is,
It's better to regret something you have done,
Than to regret something you haven't done.
And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend,
Be sure and tell her, SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!"
Well son, the funny thing about regret is,
It's better to regret something you have done,
Than to regret something you haven't done.
And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend,
Be sure and tell her, SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!"
37
People who want to be parent but put it off for one reason or another should keep in mind that the longer you wait, the harder it is to deal with some of the infant/toddler care issues since they involve interrupted sleep. Also, you should keep in mind whether you want to go to your kid's graduation with a walker.
38
@ 34,
Really? Very few people regret having kids?
Tell that to the 896,000 kids who were abused or neglected in the past year. Tell that to the 510,000 + kids who wound up in foster care.
Really? Very few people regret having kids?
Tell that to the 896,000 kids who were abused or neglected in the past year. Tell that to the 510,000 + kids who wound up in foster care.
39
@37 correct. but if you start from the false premise that mst here depart from, that is, believing that children are some sort of death sentence or some burden that will end up shackling you and sucking away your youth, or the mst frequently used here, that there's too much people in this world, then there's not much room to go from there.
Maybe, in all seriousness, most here with that type of mentality should follow Dan's previous advice, precisely to avoid the type of scenarios that you've described. I mean, he knows well the type of lifestyle of most here so maybe he's unto something accurate afterall.
Maybe, in all seriousness, most here with that type of mentality should follow Dan's previous advice, precisely to avoid the type of scenarios that you've described. I mean, he knows well the type of lifestyle of most here so maybe he's unto something accurate afterall.
40
There's a lot of conflating here of abuse/neglect with regretting having had your kids. Regretting having children is not the same thing as being incapable of parenting (a lot of overlap, no doubt, but not equivalent). And that's also ignoring the substantial role of poverty and substance abuse in such cases. Plenty of abusers want their kids very much and I would bet that most people who regret having children just suck it up, parent and love the best they can, and save it for wistful moments of the life they could have had instead. Not that that's a great outcome, but it doesn't mean automatically becoming an abuser. Besides that, feelings of regret can come and go over a lifetime.
41
# 7: The answer to all your questions is: no - not at all. Having supportive, loving relationships is important to everyone. Having children is NOT important to everyone. And the people who have children should be the people who really love children and want to devote their lives to raising them . Which is why gay/lesbian couples should be allowed to adopt ....
43
AD&KL does not know how to make an argument. The observation that someone might be a better mother than the really bad mothers who didn't plan to be mothers or than Miss B. Palin does not in any way suggest that the potentially-better-mother should have a child. It's just stupid. I am not a criminal but I like to think I would be a better one than lots of the loser scoff laws out there. That doesn't mean I should go on out and be a criminal.
Plus that "you might regret it" business is total bullshit. That letter does not offer useful or helpful advice.
@7 I am 59 and never had children. And I have no regrets. I did other stuff. If my boyfriend in my 30s had wanted them I would have done it and my life would have turned out different. but he didn't, so I didn't and I didn't have any yearnings or regrets. My husband in my 50s has two wonderful children and I adore them. Their parents did a really good job bringing them up and they turned out great.
"Almost certainly regret it later. . ." is a claim that AD&KL does not even try to bolster with any evidence. No one should take advice from this person. Also I just hate it when people make crap arguments. . .
Plus that "you might regret it" business is total bullshit. That letter does not offer useful or helpful advice.
@7 I am 59 and never had children. And I have no regrets. I did other stuff. If my boyfriend in my 30s had wanted them I would have done it and my life would have turned out different. but he didn't, so I didn't and I didn't have any yearnings or regrets. My husband in my 50s has two wonderful children and I adore them. Their parents did a really good job bringing them up and they turned out great.
"Almost certainly regret it later. . ." is a claim that AD&KL does not even try to bolster with any evidence. No one should take advice from this person. Also I just hate it when people make crap arguments. . .
44
@39 ...
And the Lord Sayeth, "Dan, thou art unto accuracy"
And unto inaccuracies do I so bestow thee, Loveschild.
And the Lord Sayeth, "Dan, thou art unto accuracy"
And unto inaccuracies do I so bestow thee, Loveschild.
45
I'm 46 and have never ever wanted children. Even when I was little and played with dolls, I never imagined what it would be like to be a real mommy. My younger brother on the other hand always knew that he wanted to grow up and have kids and he did. Some people just don't have that tug in their chest, and telling them that they will is unbelievably irresponsible as well as arrogant.
46
I'm child free at 41 and my vasectomy makes me (even more) smug (I can always hope that smugness is my biggest flaw). I've always known what I didn't want in life and have been careful to avoid it but I wish that I had been sterilized the first time that it occurred to me to do so. There's nothing like sitting on a motorcycle watching some poor young guy who has been trapped into pushing a stroller; if you've ever been in my position you know the look in their eyes...
At the moment I can think of five parents who have confessed regrets to me: two because they brought the kid into poverty, one woman who simply puts it "I've always felt that the joys of motherhood are highly overrated" with a frequency and feeling that left me surprised to find that she knows from experience, one other who only confessed that having it to do over she would skip it, and one single dad who said that "Now they are just a circus that comes around and ruins my weekends."
Kids are grand for a little while, but is "the most important job in the world" that of turning the sky yellow or of keeping the workforce cheap... Choose from joy and not fear, whenever possible.
At the moment I can think of five parents who have confessed regrets to me: two because they brought the kid into poverty, one woman who simply puts it "I've always felt that the joys of motherhood are highly overrated" with a frequency and feeling that left me surprised to find that she knows from experience, one other who only confessed that having it to do over she would skip it, and one single dad who said that "Now they are just a circus that comes around and ruins my weekends."
Kids are grand for a little while, but is "the most important job in the world" that of turning the sky yellow or of keeping the workforce cheap... Choose from joy and not fear, whenever possible.
47
Anyone who's not sure if they want to be a parent should be a Big Brother/Big Sister. It's a much shorter-term, less intense commitment than parenthood (whether pregnancy or adoption), and you still get to have a kid in your life that you influence in a positive way.
48
I think it's weird that Loveschild is so into Dan she she listens to the podcast, but so clueless that she can't figure out that the heroin comment was a snarky metaphor with a grain of truth but obviously not meant to be an accurate comparison. Lovechild, you're not very bright, perhaps as a result of obsessively hanging on Dan's every word in order to find something to object to, instead of just listening.
I note that Dan is a parent. He obviously spends a lot of his time taking care of his son (and it's pretty obvious how important his son is to him if you read anything he's written about parenthood). Whereas you spend your time stalking Dan. Sad.
I think it's helpful to keep in mind that what you think you think, when you try to reason it out, is just your rational mind making sense of emotions. The caller might be talking herself into parenthood because she has some major sense that she's supposed to do it, but doesn't want to. Or she may be talking herself into it because on some deep level she really wants parenthood, but is scared shitless and needs to psych herself up.
We'll never know (but I hope she figures it out). I thought Dan's advice to try something like foster parenthood (or one of the commenter's suggestions about Big Brothers / Big Sisters) were very good. Try taking on some responsibility, and you find out quickly if you love it and want more, or if it's just not the right thing.
I note that Dan is a parent. He obviously spends a lot of his time taking care of his son (and it's pretty obvious how important his son is to him if you read anything he's written about parenthood). Whereas you spend your time stalking Dan. Sad.
I think it's helpful to keep in mind that what you think you think, when you try to reason it out, is just your rational mind making sense of emotions. The caller might be talking herself into parenthood because she has some major sense that she's supposed to do it, but doesn't want to. Or she may be talking herself into it because on some deep level she really wants parenthood, but is scared shitless and needs to psych herself up.
We'll never know (but I hope she figures it out). I thought Dan's advice to try something like foster parenthood (or one of the commenter's suggestions about Big Brothers / Big Sisters) were very good. Try taking on some responsibility, and you find out quickly if you love it and want more, or if it's just not the right thing.
49
Being child-free is the greatest! This letter-writer is so wrong. Accusing the childfree people of being flighty? FUCK THAT! I'm not flighty. I've know since I was a teen that I didn't want kids. I'm 40 and every day that goes by makes me MORE sure of this. I hope the letter writer see this and can admit that his/herjudgment is NOT fitting for everyone. Geez, way to stereotype, AD&KL. Oh yeah, I had a hysterectomy at 35 and LOVE it. The only problem was when the doctor asked me if I was sure. She said, "You may meet Mr. Right and change your mind." She assumed that I would change my whole way of life for a man.....I then met "Mr. Right", who'd had a vasectomy in his 20s because he felt the same way. I was offended by the doctor's assumptions, and I'm offended by AD&KL's, as well. Dan was right - the original letter writer should not have children.
50
As Dan said, you can sign up with Big Brothers/Sisters or foster children. I think that's a great compromise for someone who is unsure about having kids. It's a great way to give back to the community too.
51
@7 As a woman nearing 50 who is childless, not by choice but by circumstance, I can't say I have any regrets. (Maybe you can't miss what you never had?) I have nieces & nephews so children haven't been lacking in my life. I come from parents who didn't want children yet had five anyway. Go figure.
@46 Have to agree with your 'most important job in the world' comment. I'm not knocking parents but the people know who are parents aren't better people simply by virtue of being parents. Many of them use that 'most important job in the world' idea to give the finger to people like me who 'selfishly' live wild & fancy free.They completely forget that people like me have no backup. I'm totally on my own here. When I reach retirement age I won't have a kid to take care of me the way my mom does. (I'm the oldest & the childless one so mom's with me.) And I've got no one but myself to blame if my life doesn't turn out how I'd like it to!
@46 Have to agree with your 'most important job in the world' comment. I'm not knocking parents but the people know who are parents aren't better people simply by virtue of being parents. Many of them use that 'most important job in the world' idea to give the finger to people like me who 'selfishly' live wild & fancy free.They completely forget that people like me have no backup. I'm totally on my own here. When I reach retirement age I won't have a kid to take care of me the way my mom does. (I'm the oldest & the childless one so mom's with me.) And I've got no one but myself to blame if my life doesn't turn out how I'd like it to!
52
If you can get talked out of having kids by a gay guy on the internet (no offense, Dan), then you shouldn't have kids. Period.
If hearing that a gay guy on the internet doesn't think you should have kids gets you all fired up to have one, then you always wanted one anyway.
This is why if a friend asks me about a difficult binary decision, I say flip a coin. If you're disappointed about the outcome of the flip, then you know what you really wanted.
If hearing that a gay guy on the internet doesn't think you should have kids gets you all fired up to have one, then you always wanted one anyway.
This is why if a friend asks me about a difficult binary decision, I say flip a coin. If you're disappointed about the outcome of the flip, then you know what you really wanted.
53
People have been telling me my whole life that I would regret not having children, not wanting children, etc. I've said since I was approximately 5 years old that I would never have children. When I was younger, everyone said, "Oh, you'll change your mind when you're older." When I was 30 and finally talked a doctor into sterilizing me, everyone said, "Oh, you'll regret that when you're older."
I'm 50 years old. There are certainly things in my life which I regret, but choosing not to have children is not among them. Some of us simply shouldn't have kids. (By the way, I'm the youngest of 13, and I can tell you for a fact that my mother would have been much happier had she not had children.)
I'm 50 years old. There are certainly things in my life which I regret, but choosing not to have children is not among them. Some of us simply shouldn't have kids. (By the way, I'm the youngest of 13, and I can tell you for a fact that my mother would have been much happier had she not had children.)
54
Just chiming in to say "arrgh!" about the "you'll almost certainly regret it" sentiment. Who the berloody hell are you to make that assumption?
Gee, maybe when someone doesn't think they want to be a parent, they actually know themselves better than some drive-by fuckwit online?
38, no kids, never will have 'em, finally got a doctor to agree to sterilize me, 10 years after my first inquiry (I guess they finally believe that I'm not going to change my mind) - hurrah!
Gee, maybe when someone doesn't think they want to be a parent, they actually know themselves better than some drive-by fuckwit online?
38, no kids, never will have 'em, finally got a doctor to agree to sterilize me, 10 years after my first inquiry (I guess they finally believe that I'm not going to change my mind) - hurrah!
55
I'm 33, have no kids, got the Essure procedure done so I wouldn't end up pregnant and I'm footless and kid free. I also give all my time and love to animals that people throw away because they have children, or out on the street for whatever reason. I love my childfree life. I would be a horrible mother and I know it. I have no interest in having a child and if I did I could always adopt but then again, I have a very full life with taking care of animals. Children are not for everyone. Just like animals aren't for everyone either.
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