Friday, November 6, 2009
Savage Love SL Letter of the Day: She Needs Oral
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Nov 6, 2009 at 2:01 PM
I’m a young woman in a committed relationship with my longtime boyfriend, a handsome and VERY well-endowed man. His penis is more than satisfying, but it’s never gotten me off. I only climax when he performs oral on me. I feel guilty because when we make love, I wait for him to finish (and some times even encourage him to cum faster) so he can go down on me and I can climax, too. I can’t cum first because after I do, I don’t like to be touched and then we can’t have intercourse. Any suggestions? I feel guilty for being impatient when he’s doing his thing.Prefer Oral Over Penis
My answer after the jump...
You're doing everything right, POOP, with the possibly exception of the hurry-up-and-come stuff, which is a bit on the selfish side. But even then I'd have to check with your boyfriend before I declared your hurry-up-and-come routine "wrong." Some people find it arousing when a sex partner is selfish, demanding, and impatient; it could be that he's turned on when you encourage him to hurry up because he gets off on the thought that you want so badly for him to eat you out.
Backing up: most women require direct clitoral stimulation in order to come, POOP, and most women—estimates go as high as 75%—can't climax from vaginal intercourse alone. It doesn't matter how satisfying their partners' penises are, it doesn't matter how well-endowed their partners are. Most women need direct, focused, intense clitoral stimulation—oral, manual, vibrational—before, during, or after vaginal intercourse. Which means there's nothing wrong with you. You can't climax from vaginal intercourse alone, like most women, you need oral to get off, like many women. Since you can't endure intercourse after you've come the boyfriend fucks you first, has his orgasm, and then he goes down on you and you have yours. Again, it sounds like you're doing everything right.
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1
She might consider using her fingers or a vibrator while he's pounding away in there too for variety's sake. That might have the added benefit of hurrying him along.
2
It's amazing to me how many people - especially those who, one would think, read your column and/or listen to your podcast - would think this was a weird or problematic condition. Is it just me, or do you get some variation on this question pretty regularly? (And I'm assuming if I've heard or read it multiple times, you probably get it at least weekly.)
4
The mitigating factor for the guy would be if he were particularly turned off by eating his own jizz from his girlfriend's j. In which case SOMEBODY would have to get over their dislike (her being touched after orgasm/him not wanting to suck down his own cum).
6
Seems to me so too. Unlike men we need more stimulation and sometimes that goes way beyond the clitoral. Maybe that's what's lacking here, perhaps if he took more time in stimulating other senses there wouldn't be such an urgency on her part to finish up quickly. It's not all about the sexual act per-se, to me there are other things that need to precede it in order to get in the right mood and make it enjoyable. And afterwards a good snuggling makes it complete.
7
Huh. She's getting off, right? He's getting off, right? What's the fucking problem? Don't think so Goddamned much.
8
@4 that problem is really easy to avoid, especially if the girl is only seeking clitoral stimulation. Also, Condoms.
9
@3 and @4 - My guess her issue about not being touched after orgasm is that she is that her clitoris becomes overly sensitive. So it's not that she doesn't want it for any particular psychological reason but because it is uncomfortable/painful to continue stimulating if after she comes. But I'm just a gay boy with minimal clitoral experience. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
10
I'm afraid I'm going to need ample photographic evidence of her boyfriends endowment before I'm able to offer any advice....
11
@9 thank you. You're absolutely right. Some people's skin/genitals get so sensitive that any touching after orgasm is physically painful, and not necessarily in the sexy way. I'm totally one of those people.
13
There are also techniques that give extra clitoral stimulation during sex. I've gotten great reactions when I lift my upper body in a way that has a large portion of my weight resting right on her pelvis. As I move in and out I'm rubbing my pelvis against her clit with quite a bit of weight on it. That move gets very positive reviews. Hmmmm, ok with that in my head now I have to um . . . step out for a few minutes.
15
Her problem seems to be "I feel selfish." So the solution would be "Ask you boyfriend if he feels taken advantage of." If the answer is negative, than the problem is solved.
16
Also, there's lots of room for improvising with hands and mouths here that is not being discussed.
19
I'm surprised that she thought she wasn't normal.
Welcome to being normal, POOP. And, I'll second the call for trying masturbation, vibrators, etc. during vaginal sex.
20
@17, careful there, you may create a new fetish and then SL readers will have to vote on a name for it.
21
Seems to me that her "problem" is that she can only seem to cum in one specific way.
And, yeah, unfortunately that's how it goes for a lot of people, particularly a lot of women. In this case you might want to experiment a little. Maybe let him eat you out first, then god down on him for a while, and when your genitals cool down a bit, go into the whole penetration thing with a new outlook.
Or, maybe try things that don't involve penetration at all.
But if what you want is for your body to react in a way it simply doesn't, you might not win that battle without a lot of effort.
And, yeah, unfortunately that's how it goes for a lot of people, particularly a lot of women. In this case you might want to experiment a little. Maybe let him eat you out first, then god down on him for a while, and when your genitals cool down a bit, go into the whole penetration thing with a new outlook.
Or, maybe try things that don't involve penetration at all.
But if what you want is for your body to react in a way it simply doesn't, you might not win that battle without a lot of effort.
22
A girl I was with needed very particular vibration or oral to get off (most women also seem to be able to get off from fingering), and we had great success with butterflies and eggs during coitus and oral. The only problem was that we kept wearing out or breaking them.
Really though, everyone has weird particulars they like/need during sex, and wanting to be gone down on after your boyfriend gets off is hardly asking the world of him.
Really though, everyone has weird particulars they like/need during sex, and wanting to be gone down on after your boyfriend gets off is hardly asking the world of him.
23
I think most of the commentariat is right in suggesting digital stimulation during intercourse (or mid-fuck wanking, if you like the dirty talk). It's easier and it's more cooperative than "your turn, then my turn" shenanigans. However, it seems there are a large number of women who worry that it might be interpreted as a sort of accusation -- that the dude just isn't enough so she needs to take matters into her own hands. And it's entirely possible that a number of men have that sort of issue, and women are sometimes right to worry about how it'll be interpreted. For which the solution is to fuck people with fewer hangups.
That would really be my advice for everything. I'd be the worst sex columnist in the fucking world, because I'd just create a macro to paste the same response into every question: "Find a partner or partners with minimal hangups, be considerate, and do what you like". I'd be right, but I'd be boring and poor.
That would really be my advice for everything. I'd be the worst sex columnist in the fucking world, because I'd just create a macro to paste the same response into every question: "Find a partner or partners with minimal hangups, be considerate, and do what you like". I'd be right, but I'd be boring and poor.
26
It's all about POV. I am the same way (only cum from clitoral and overly sensitive after orgasm), but never feel guilty cumming after because it's not about "waiting for him to finish," it's about having sex together, enjoying it together, and cumming at our different times (which happens for everyone, cumming at the same time is for movies).
So change the way you think! You deserve an orgasm equally, no matter when it happens in the progression of your sexual activity. Just enjoy the ride.
So change the way you think! You deserve an orgasm equally, no matter when it happens in the progression of your sexual activity. Just enjoy the ride.
27
Am I the only one who's wondering if there's a deeper issue going on? Like maybe she wrote because this is causing tension in her relationship, but she neglected to talk about that? Because it seems really weird to me that she would write despite the fact that they're both getting off.
28
When he's eating her out after he's cum he may well be eating most of his own sperm therefore severely limiting, if not making it almost impossible, for their intercourse to lead to procreation.
I hope we get to vote on their ability to marry.
(Sorry, I'm still bitter about Maine)
I hope we get to vote on their ability to marry.
(Sorry, I'm still bitter about Maine)
29
don't like to come first? tough shit. women can come over and over. just blow him or something till you're ready again.
30
@18 - if he is doing his job properly...there is no need for spit. Unless you're older, of course.
31
@5 FTW
I'll add that if you position yourself correctly in either missionary or cowgirl, you can grind pelvises (with or without said cock ring) in such a way that directly stimulates the clit while you fuck. I've been able to get that to work at least sometimes in every relationship I've been in, and that includes a woman who spent most of her life completely anorgasmic. The vibrating cock ring definitely improves the success rate.
I'll add that if you position yourself correctly in either missionary or cowgirl, you can grind pelvises (with or without said cock ring) in such a way that directly stimulates the clit while you fuck. I've been able to get that to work at least sometimes in every relationship I've been in, and that includes a woman who spent most of her life completely anorgasmic. The vibrating cock ring definitely improves the success rate.
32
#29 you are a clueless guy with inaccurate knowledge of the opposite sex.
Some women do not like their clit touched after orgasm. Do men like someone to keep tugging on their dick after just ejaculating?
Many women cannot experience multiple orgasms.
Get a clue.
Some women do not like their clit touched after orgasm. Do men like someone to keep tugging on their dick after just ejaculating?
Many women cannot experience multiple orgasms.
Get a clue.
33
I think 29 and 30 are both good examples of people who have misconceptions about how female sexuality works. Both of them think that if something isn't what they expect, someone must be doing something wrong.
34
@29- Not every woman can come over and over again. This woman quite specifically says she doesn't like to get touched for a goodly time after orgasm.
35
Oh, and Loveschild @6, does the snuggly sex happen before or after your approving contemplation of the lynching and murder of gay and lesbian people --- such as your comments from the other day in support of this all too common practice in Jamaica:
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
See this from Time Magazine for more background:
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0…
and compare with Loveslynching response in the same thread:
@ 21 They're not "killing" anyone, they're giving people a fair warning that certain behaviors (behaviors not ethnicity, skin color, religion) are not acceptable withing their community. They have every God-given right to uphold the moral standards that they hold dear in their community and in their nation.
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
See this from Time Magazine for more background:
http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0…
and compare with Loveslynching response in the same thread:
@ 21 They're not "killing" anyone, they're giving people a fair warning that certain behaviors (behaviors not ethnicity, skin color, religion) are not acceptable withing their community. They have every God-given right to uphold the moral standards that they hold dear in their community and in their nation.
37
What she describes isn't that unusual, really.
The main problem is that she thinks it's unusual.
So long as the longtime bf is happy with what's going on, she just needs to be able to explain it to him in a way that works for both of them (me, I love post-coital cuddling, which i gather most guys don't). which is what @3 is getting at - so long as he knows that's what she wants.
oh, and @4 - 69. but be ready to be the bottom.
The main problem is that she thinks it's unusual.
So long as the longtime bf is happy with what's going on, she just needs to be able to explain it to him in a way that works for both of them (me, I love post-coital cuddling, which i gather most guys don't). which is what @3 is getting at - so long as he knows that's what she wants.
oh, and @4 - 69. but be ready to be the bottom.
38
@30 - I AM a female. When I'm turned on, I'm wet. Every other woman I know (who hasn't gone through the change) is the same way. If that wasn't the way the female body worked - women wouldn't have sex. It would hurt. We wouldn't have worked as a species. Maybe I shouldn't have said "if he was doing his job right" maybe I should have said "If she is attracted to and sexually turned on by him". To me, someone who spits on the fingers to rub a clit is either someone who isn't taking the time to actually turn their lady on or someone who is fucking a lady who doesn't in fact like them very much. Like in porn.
As with anything, I'm sure there are anomalies...
As with anything, I'm sure there are anomalies...
40
@23 I think you're right that the fear of offending the bf could be a factor. I had a gf who started playing with her clit during sex early on in our relationship when she suddenly stopped with a horrified look on her face and asked if I was offended that she was playing with herself during sex. I replied that I thought it was really fucking hot (which I did) and things continued normally. If in doubt, just ask. If the guy freaks out, DTMFA, because you don't need that kind of insecurity in your life.
41
"GGG medal of honor"
As an example of what GGG men should be willing to do, POOP's guy (presumably straight) deserves an award for eating his own cum / lube / etc.
As an example of what GGG men should be willing to do, POOP's guy (presumably straight) deserves an award for eating his own cum / lube / etc.
42
the only way to deal with a females reported hysteria is to induce hysterical paroxysm through manual massage by midwife or the aid of technical/mechanical intervention.
43
@38
Here is an anomaly for you. I've been with a girl who got super wet when all turned on by me but the way her inner lips worked sealed in her juices until opened (we always joked about her ziploc pussy). So a pre-lubed finger to clit is not necessarily someone who is not turning their lady on.
Here is an anomaly for you. I've been with a girl who got super wet when all turned on by me but the way her inner lips worked sealed in her juices until opened (we always joked about her ziploc pussy). So a pre-lubed finger to clit is not necessarily someone who is not turning their lady on.
44
Is is just me, or does the word "cum" (as a noun or a verb) smack of cheap-ass porn? What's wrong with "come"?
45
@43 - I get you, but in this case, he would be penetrating her at the same time. I will completely acknowledge that I might be totally wrong and that my experiences and those of my circle of friends/people I have read about might be off base for a lot of women. My previous post does sound very absolute - which wasn't really my intention.
47
@38 - As a woman here also, I have to say the anomaly is that you and ALL the women you know never ever ever have to use any kind of additional lubrication during sex. Personally, I can have sex without lube, sure, and it'll feel great during, but if we're getting good and rough, I will certainly regret it an hour later when I'm chafed and raw. Lube saves my life and lets me get it on the way I like. That doesn't make me less womanly, or mean that my partner doesn't properly turn me on.
And from what I've read about women's sexuality and women's forums, this is much more common than you seem able to believe. The "If you were ACTUALLY turned on you wouldn't NEED lube" is a damaging sex myth that encourages women to look at themselves as dysfunctional, rather than just taking the very simple steps to have a pleasurable sex life.
And from what I've read about women's sexuality and women's forums, this is much more common than you seem able to believe. The "If you were ACTUALLY turned on you wouldn't NEED lube" is a damaging sex myth that encourages women to look at themselves as dysfunctional, rather than just taking the very simple steps to have a pleasurable sex life.
48
Is it normal to enjoy cunnigulus but not be able to cum from it? It just isn't that intense compared to a vibrator. :-/
50
@ 26 - my girlfriend and I come together regularly. She used to think it was "for movies" too... now we've gotten pretty good at making it happen
however, I agree with what you're saying otherwise. Sex should be shared experience, not a compromise. Both partners should be happy to give the other an orgasm, regardless of how and when it happens.
however, I agree with what you're saying otherwise. Sex should be shared experience, not a compromise. Both partners should be happy to give the other an orgasm, regardless of how and when it happens.
51
Goddamnit, I'm not saying she's wrong to be this way, as you say, the vast majority of women come only from clitoral stimulation, but couldn't you just mention that there's a way for women to develop the capacity for having vaginal orgasms? What do I have to do to get your fucking attention, Dan?
52
@ 22. If you think "most" women can get off to fingering, you've been with a few too many women who've had to fake it. :P
53
@47 - you are totally right. I did a poor job of commenting. :) Lube definitely has a place in the bedroom, and I didn't really mean to imply that it's unnecessary, or that women just stay wet forever as long as they are turned on. Honestly, I just meant that in this particular circumstance, addressing the gentleman above re:spitting on his fingers...that maybe instead of resorting to spit he should take a moment to make sure that his lady is getting what she needs. Not sure why anyone, male or female, would argue against advocating that the partners check in with each other to make sure everyone is still happy and enjoying themselves. If everyone is enjoying themselves and things are still dry - lube it up! Lube would definitely be better than spit. Nothing turns me off faster than someone spitting on something during sex. I know, I know, during oral the saliva gets everywhere. Not the same as spitting. Spitting is the type of crap that happens in bad porn that some men seem to think is OK. (probably some women, too.)
As an aside, the writer of the letter didn't seem to be talking about rough, hours long sex. In fact, it sounds like it was pretty quick sex.
As an aside, the writer of the letter didn't seem to be talking about rough, hours long sex. In fact, it sounds like it was pretty quick sex.
54
I'm going to chime in and agree with #47. Sometimes women need lube. This can be for a variety of reasons: sometimes they're taking antihistamines, sometimes they haven't drank a lot of water recently, sometimes it's just a weird part of the cycle, etc. This doesn't mean anybody's broken or not doing their job properly. The only thing it means is, sometimes women need lube.
55
@53 I can understand your point, but if you're like me, then lube totally desensitizes your clit. Lube on my clit is like a condom for a guy with a big cock- little sensation.
56
@53 So then say that, say that they should make sure they're getting enough foreplay, instead of insulting women who use lube as if they are anomalies or imply that their sex partners are not adequately satisfying or arousing. Also, stop talking about lube vs. spit. You have no idea what you're talking about. Actually, just stop talking in general, please.
58
@55 - I totally agree with you on that point - are you saying spit doesn't do that?
@56 - I did say that, and I apologized for my previous misleading statements. And you're right - I've actually never even had sex, so there is no way that my opinion is as valid as yours.
@56 - I did say that, and I apologized for my previous misleading statements. And you're right - I've actually never even had sex, so there is no way that my opinion is as valid as yours.
59
I never assumed anything about your body or your sex partners, so yes, my point that you have no idea what you're talking about is spot on. Stop speaking for vaginas you don't know.
61
POOP is limiting herself with the 'hands off after I come'. A good, hard, intense clitoral orgasm can be the prelude to the mother of all vaginal orgasms--part of the physiology of the Gspot. Me, I enjoy coming the way they vote in Chicago--early and often. A pre-foreplay orgasm on my own to get in the mood, a nice oral orgasm as foreplay (he gets one, too-let's be fair) at least 2 while fucking, another after the main event, maybe round 2...does that make me selfish? Or does that simply make me secure in myself sexually?
62
And by the way, I love it when a man eats my pussy after he's filled it. Just as I love to go down on him after I've come on his cock. It's all part of the abandon of sex. Is it any different than kissing after oral?
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