Well, sing me a lullaby, Sweet Baby Jesus! Consider that barn BURNED! I could just hang my head and weep, that it's all over now…

Yes, my friends, that was it! The very last mayoral debate of this most mayorally debatey season! And my God, how I have adored them, these damn debates—all fourteen-trillion of them! They were like reality teevee, sans the slightest shred of reality—and featuring only two belligerent children! (And, um, sometimes even sans the teevee…this last one was radio-only, you know. Did McGinn steal Mallahan's suit-and-tie concept again? Who had the beard this time? How will we ever know? Goddamn it, radio! It really makes you feel for the blind…you know?)

And what a phenomenal showing from Mallahands it was! He was driving accountability all over the damn place! Also, efficiencies! (How you ever observed accountability and/or efficiencies so completely and totally driven? No. I thought not.)

But I must say: one deeply impressive characteristic of The Mallahan that he has ever-so-modestly, yet foolishly, kept under wraps this election is his SCARY PSYCHIC POWERS. Shhh… listen…

In the future, an officer will make a mistake and commit an offense against a citizen.

Whoa! SPOOKY! Is he a wizard? Got a Sybil in his pocket? Dionne Warwick on speed dial? Or is precognition merely a standard feature of his contract with the devil (plus a nice set of golf clubs and all the comely virgins he can swallow)? Well. Thanks for the futuristic warning, Mayor Fortune Cookie! And take heed, all ye officers of the alleged “law”! Be on your guard, easily offended “citizens”! Mistakes are lurking in your future, waiting to happen all over you! Joe Mallahan, human Ouija board, has spoken.

Peculiar and rather disturbing, however, that nary a single mention of those oh-so-supportive Africans raised its head during this final debate. What has happened to the legendarily unwavering loyalty of Africans—and their deep and very African Malla-love?

I guess Africans don't support him quite as vociferously as he once imagined, perhaps? So he's backing off bringing them up again? Capricious and rather two-faced, it seems there, you Africans. Or maybe he was just driving things like accountility (and effeciencies!) and moving forward—you know, keeping his mind on the road? Not being psychic myself (very often), I am simply unqualified to comment at this juncture.