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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Homo / TV The Golden Girls Created Evil

Posted by Paul Constant on Thu, Oct 29, 2009 at 2:57 PM

Slog Tipper Jezbian just alerted us that the dearly departed Bea Arthur left $300,000 to homeless LGBT youth in her will. As David Schmader just said: "Holy crap. She's the best person who ever lived." Agreed. Thank you for being a friend, Bea Arthur.

And Slog tipper Travis just sent me a link to this timely Christwire article. It's too weird for me to explain, so I'm going to quote:

Many studies have been done on why the gays love The Golden Girls, but science can’t fathom the moral challenges and social upheaval of those historic times...there was a subculture of homosexuality creeping up on our youths. It gave them an excuse to wear tight jeans and to sneak off to public parks for quick releases with hairy men of different ethnicities.

It was only to be expected that our lonely boys exposed to these conflicted times would succumb to the nagging Golden Girls agenda. These were slender, unathletic children who were left out of the fun militarism of the Reagan years. Skyrocketing divorce rates ruined their faith in traditional relationships. Rock groups like Duran Duran and Styx encouraged big hair and overactive libidos. The show lit a match which enflamed their intense physical urges. With the utmost cruelty and immorality, The Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America’s lost generation.

The results were disastrous. Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with likeminded Golden Girls addicts who didn’t mind each other’s theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures. Together, these clusters of awkward teens and twentysomethings bonded over their favorite episodes and characters, mimicking the voices and gowns of their tv friends. When the rush of cheesecake and gabfests wore thin, these hairless boys needed a harder thrill. They were so desperate for the next big trend they turned to same-sex sexual experimentation. What woman would have them now, anyway? This led to the worse excesses of early homosexual visibility— the most enormous of drag queens, the dirtiest of leather daddies, the most enticing of twinkie boys, androgyny, overeating, public sex and the birth of “camp.”

Christwire is the funniest blog I've read in a really long time.

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Comments (23) RSS

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What the fuck is their problem? Golden Girls was just a good show.

Posted by Dougsf on October 29, 2009 at 3:01 PM

Another tribute to Poe's Law: I can't tell whether this is religious or parody.

Posted by attitude devant on October 29, 2009 at 3:10 PM

Yay, Bea Arthur. As to the rest of it...wow, my head sort of hurts, and I'm still stuck on "the dirtiest of leather daddies".

Posted by Hannah in Portland on October 29, 2009 at 3:18 PM

Religious or parody?

Having managed the quality of millions of words of translator's work in dozens of mother's tongues, I am far form convinced it is not a parody written by a non-English speaker outside the US on commission by someone here.

This passage just strings together pop-culture references in a way that is only possible by someone that spent about 4 years of college in the US during that time period, and doesn't have the depth of understanding to make the point.

Smart people can do that - I recently saw my roommate form that period who has long been a professional in Hungary and we discussed his ability to understand Hungarian pop culture as it relates to fitting in with the locals and his own family.

It simply is not easy to do, ever, for non-natives. It is this kind of connect-the-random-dot writing that is a dead giveaway.

Posted by PortervilleNerd on October 29, 2009 at 3:26 PM

Ya! Thank the Hallmark channel for PROVIDING me fwiends! Me n my roommate watch this at night before bed, and in the morning before work, thanks to the new schedule. St Olaf!

Posted by McDERMZ on October 29, 2009 at 3:26 PM

I LOVE hairy men of different ethnicities!

Posted by very bad homo on October 29, 2009 at 3:28 PM

Not poe. Obvious parody.

Posted by Parsnip

on October 29, 2009 at 3:37 PM

Blaming "The Golden Girls" for the birth of camp. That's genius.

Posted by Fnarf

on October 29, 2009 at 3:39 PM

That actually made my head hurt, and I have a match to go to. Thanks Slog, you asshole.

Posted by wisepunk on October 29, 2009 at 3:44 PM

Unbelievably funny.

Posted by David Schmader on October 29, 2009 at 3:45 PM

Wow.

Posted by laterite on October 29, 2009 at 3:52 PM

"These gays really hate you for your Christianity and your gold card, your mature good looks or the fact you lead a handsome camping group into the hushed mountains of Tennessee."

Not written by a breeder.

Posted by monkeyist on October 29, 2009 at 4:12 PM

Every article on that site is insane. I can't decide if it's real or parody. I'm leaning towards parody because I can't imagine a real Christian site having an article titled "I am terrified of Chinese people."

Posted by Orv on October 29, 2009 at 4:26 PM

Wow! And, thank you Bea.

Posted by kim in portland

on October 29, 2009 at 4:33 PM

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

Posted by The Amazing Jim

on October 29, 2009 at 4:35 PM

hmmm, I'm not sure. They are onto this commie plot:

"Soviets Create New Berenstain Bear Porn To Lure Children into Sin"

http://christwire.org/2009/08/soviets-cr…

yup, totally for real:
"That’s why I spat my Oat Bran out with disgust this morning when I found this perversion of childhood innocence! Satan loves gays and communism, so of course it was only a matter of time before they teamed up to spread wicked ways!

How sick is it to know communism is now being mixed with the homogay agenda? We all know gays are trying to make their lifestyles look normal, by convincing kids it’s neat and cool to for adults to play with an animal’s secret parts. Now they are using Soviet propaganda to let Satan enter their children."

Posted by pissy mcslogbot on October 29, 2009 at 4:39 PM

the excessive, nonsensical use of bold text suggests it was written by someone from the stranger.

Posted by blip on October 29, 2009 at 5:07 PM

@16 - That almost reads like a "New Column!"

Posted by Rose on October 29, 2009 at 5:19 PM

Oh, Bea. I've been watching some syndicated GG lately (not GGG, mind you) and you were so awesome. 300k to homeless LGBT youth? You dry and sarcastic angel.

Posted by leek on October 29, 2009 at 5:21 PM

@17 & 18: uh huh, I agree, most of the Slog staffers need to have their bolding capabilities firmly checked.

Posted by pissy mcslogbot on October 29, 2009 at 6:32 PM

This is the funniest shit I have read in I don't know how long.

Posted by Hawke

on October 29, 2009 at 8:00 PM

"The Golden Girls seized upon this opportunity to cross the hormonal wires of America’s lost generation"

most amusing line of text i've come across all day. I've been out of the loop on this shit all my life, although i watched the show occasionally in the 80's, but thanks!!

Posted by i'm pro-science and i vote

on October 30, 2009 at 1:38 AM

I am more amazed by the number of dolts here asking if it is "real" or a parody....I am more than a litle disturbed that the venerable genre of camp may be dead since you guys apparently can't even see the humor in all that stuff.

Posted by hartiepie on October 30, 2009 at 3:36 AM