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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Indiana University - Bloomington

Posted by on Thu, Oct 29, 2009 at 9:16 PM

Some of the questions put to me tonight by students at IU...

If you read about or see certain kinky things & get turned on does that mean you'll like doing it when you have sex & try it or not necessarily & you just have to try it?

How many partners recommended before marriage?

Is it considered weird nowadays to be a virgin in your 20s?

What do you, from your personal experience, think it will take for Americans to relax their attitudes toward sex?

I'm trying to have sex with this dude tonight for the sole purpose of feeling better about myself and getting over my ex. I'm not really attracted to him in any way. Any suggestions on how to make it enjoyable and fun?

I bought a butt plug and it smelled like blueberries. Is this just a sign of cheapness or will it give my BF some heinous anal disease?

Did you get the cheesesteak?

Which is more pleasurable: anal sex or vaginal?

Some of my answers: It sounds like you want to try "it" whatever "it" is; 673; not weird, risky; a complete Southectomy; do it with someone else; put a condom on it and it won't matter what it's made out of or smells like; no; is this some sort of trick question?

 

Comments (28) RSS

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1
No cheesesteak? I guess that means no tube steak either.
Posted by Oneway on October 29, 2009 at 9:31 PM · Report this
2
Ah, I'm already fucked! ...metaphorically.

...how about if you're a virgin in your 20s, but don't have the whole Good Girl vs Slut mentality and are just waiting for an attractive enough fellow? Is there hope for me? Tell me, sir, will I ever play the violin again?!

/badattemptatlevity
Posted by blah on October 29, 2009 at 10:25 PM · Report this
Fifty-Two-Eighty 3
Sounds boring.
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on October 29, 2009 at 10:34 PM · Report this
tjc 4
I really thought your answer to anal or vaginal would be "I don't have a vagina".
Posted by tjc on October 29, 2009 at 10:41 PM · Report this
5
The waiting for sex article only talked about the problems of men waiting to have sex (Fox News?). Could it be that people who wait until their 20s to have sex don't have as strong a sex drive as those of us who go at it at an earlier age (me at 16 with an 18 y.o. girlfriend). In my mid forties, I'm still as horny as I was at 16. No sign of any dysfunction (knock wood - pun intended)
Posted by yeah for me on October 29, 2009 at 10:41 PM · Report this
Urgutha Forka 6
Sometimes you hit a homerun, sometimes, it's just a bunt, sometimes you strike out...

In any case... Dan, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! for just being upfront, honest, and straightforward in answering the fun/normal/whatever/boring questions you get. You are a breath of fresh air in a sea of worried cautiousness. Just keep doing what you do... you are much more appreciated than you realize. Thank you.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on October 29, 2009 at 11:51 PM · Report this
7
"Is it true if you don't use it, you lose it?"

As a virgin in my mid 20s, inquiring minds (belonging to a slew of 20-something lady virgins) want to know. They also want to laugh a lot at that article... reasonable reaction? Or is this legitimately something to be worried about in regards to future sexual health?
Posted by rockinsocks on October 30, 2009 at 12:06 AM · Report this
Reverse Polarity 8
"a complete Southectomy."

Hahaha!! Good one.
Posted by Reverse Polarity on October 30, 2009 at 12:14 AM · Report this
i'm pro-science and i vote 9
So it's healthy for the average person have sex with an average of 673 different partners before marriage but unhealthy and risky if you are sexually inactive until your mid-20s or so. Makes perfect sense to me!
That is, if we lived in a perfect world without incurable, deadly STDs, if protection worked %100 the time and without that little issue of risking pregnancy with a total stranger

I take the 673 number with a grain of salt, I'm just saying, I'd be damn nervous if the average person, of the 600ish people I'd had sex with before marriage, had also slept with that many people. I guess I would just get tested for HIV until I finally find out too late that I've caught it.

That FOX story about sex- the same damn story says it is also risky to have sex at an "early age" (teens? early teens? vague).
Posted by i'm pro-science and i vote http://www.prettyopenended.com on October 30, 2009 at 12:15 AM · Report this
10
@9

Dude... that was a joke.
Posted by blah on October 30, 2009 at 12:28 AM · Report this
11
@2 and 7:

I was a virgin until I was 23. My sister, 27. We're both kinky, attractive, sex-positive chicks who love giving head. However, the conclusion that we've come to is that many kinky, attractive, sex-positive chicks who love giving head tend to be late bloomers. I know lots of other women in the same boat as us. It has a lot to do with young guys going after the women they *think* they're supposed to be interested in rather than the ones whose company they'll really enjoy, along with the fact that oftentimes, those of us ladies who are the most in-touch with our sexuality get shamed for it and it takes us a lot of time to get comfortable with the fact that this is a *boon,* not something to apologize for.

Tina Fey had the same problem. You're in good company.

And you might find that it takes you some time to learn what you like when you're with a guy, but chicks like us tend to be fast learners.
Posted by laurelgardner http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5877570 on October 30, 2009 at 1:59 AM · Report this
singing cynic 12
Laurel, good for you and your sister, but don't universalize your experience... some of us early bloomers are as kinky and head-loving as you are. I made a relatively good choice of partners when I was young and no one I was interested in shamed me for my sexuality.... No sexual traumas here. I'm 25, having sex for 10 years and a happy camper.
Posted by singing cynic on October 30, 2009 at 4:03 AM · Report this
Vince 13
That question about what is more pleasurable could be for a woman who has had experience with both vaginal and anal sex as well. I've wondered that too.
Posted by Vince on October 30, 2009 at 4:22 AM · Report this
14
@13: I just don't get why it's asked. It's not really something you can base *science* on.
Posted by Gloria on October 30, 2009 at 4:41 AM · Report this
Confluence 15
@13

Vaginal. Without a doubt.
Posted by Confluence on October 30, 2009 at 5:15 AM · Report this
John Horstman 16
"Southectomy": awesome.
@9: Yikes, 673 is clearly a joke; Dan's giving a ridiculous answer to a ridiculous question, as there is no "right" number of sexual partners to have before marriage - and this question assumes marriage is or should be the universal end-goal.
@7: You can still "use it" without having partnered sex - masturbate if you're worried. It would be unfortunate if cultural pressures caused you (or anyone) to have sex before you feel you're ready, or with someone(s) you don't find attractive. There's nothing wrong with not having partnered sex

And in general, some serious problems with that study. First, how are we defining "dysfunction"? If a man doesn't maintain erections or ejaculate from certain stimuli that are "supposed" to cause these reactions, there isn't necessarily a problem (unless it's constructed as a problem). Do we consider it hugely problematic if women experience periods of their lives where their sexual response is less-than-normative? Is this dysfunction observed or are we relying on self-reporting (which is notoriously problematic; it could be the case, for example, that due to cultural pressures, those who feel comfortable "admitting" that they started partnered sex later are also the only one who feel comfortable "admitting" that they experience sexual dysfunction).

Second, unless we're talking about a controlled study where randomized participants are selected to have a start to partnered sexual activity at certain ages, there's no way to account for confounding factors, self-selection being a particularly important one.

Finally, again because the study was not a controlled experiment but instead a meta-analysis of extant data, the strongest link between onset of partnered sexual activity and "sexual dysfunction" that can be determined is a strong correlation, and not causation. The news media often misreport/misinterpret studies of this sort when there are (potentially) compelling political or social implications for the research, making claims (e.g. correlation->causation) that the scientists themselves would never make, as they understand the limitations of a given methodology. Also, scientists will sometimes misrepresent their findings in an effort to gain grant money, for which there is heavy competition. I'm not saying these guys did, but part of the scientific process is peer review and repeated experimentation; as such, not much can EVER be established as fact if one only looks at a single study.
More...
Posted by John Horstman on October 30, 2009 at 5:38 AM · Report this
Southern Gentleman 17
Even though I think I should be offended by the "complete Southectomy" I just can't be. Born and bred here, I love the place even though the attitudes of some of its residents infuriate me. We're taking baby steps, Mr. Savage, and I hope you'll drop in some time. Believe me, there are places even in the South where your humor and wisdom are appreciated.
Posted by Southern Gentleman http://just-write.contentquake.com on October 30, 2009 at 5:56 AM · Report this
18
Dan-
You get your sex advice from Fox News?

Really?
Posted by I want my money back... on October 30, 2009 at 6:35 AM · Report this
19
Well obviously vaginal is more pleasurable than anal--the real question should be which is more pleasurable--vaginal alone or double penetration?
Posted by Marrena on October 30, 2009 at 6:49 AM · Report this
Arsenic7 20
@11.

What is this about Tina Fey?

She likes giving head?
Posted by Arsenic7 on October 30, 2009 at 8:08 AM · Report this
21
@13, 15 : Definitely both at the same time! Man+Vibrator (or other man)=AWESOME
And here's to hoping my BF slept enough last night to do a pre-halloween kinky marathon...
Posted by Kate134 on October 30, 2009 at 8:29 AM · Report this
22
Hey Dan;

Here's a big'ol Southectomy FUCK YOU

(will you be taking that anally or vaginally?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzbdY_rPt…
Posted by . on October 30, 2009 at 8:54 AM · Report this
keshmeshi 23
I'd like to see that study's methodology. Are most of the people who experience dysfunction simply not that interested in sex, and that's why they were late bloomers? How does the study define dysfunction? Simply the number of times someone has sex, the number of orgasms they have? How do they differentiate between the experiences of men and women?

Since men are still expected to push for sex, I can see why delaying sexual activity could affect their sexual development, but how does that work for women? I wonder how this works out for women who start sexual activity super early. Anecdotally speaking, my peers who started sexual activity before their teens seemed to be preoccupied with pleasing boys and not themselves. If they never grew out of that, there's no way their sexual lives can be considered fulfilling in any meaningful way, but if this study is simply looking at numbers of partners and sexual experience, they're going to come up with some shitty conclusions.
Posted by keshmeshi on October 30, 2009 at 10:32 AM · Report this
24
@12 - Um...saying "many" (not "all" or even "most") isn't universalizing. Honestly.

@20 - I don't know anything about Tina Fey's enjoyment of fellatio, but she was a virgin until her late 20s, and that was not how she wanted it. In her own words, "I couldn't give it away."
Posted by laurelgardner http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5877570 on October 30, 2009 at 1:04 PM · Report this
Uriel-238 25
I was a virgin until 26, not for want of trying, just before the dot..com bubble. Some of us geeks got chic while we were installing the plumbing. Before that, we were (at least in media) confined to antagonists, harmless perverts and comedy relief.

(No, I'm not in the least bitter.)

Got adopted, finally, by alt.sex pervs Goddesses of Love bless every last one of them.
Posted by Uriel-238 on October 30, 2009 at 1:46 PM · Report this
26
I hate this...

Dan/Slog quotes Foxnews quoting ABC News quoting a Columbia University study. Why not just quote the study and skip the layers of rewrite and interpretation? They don't add much.

As for the study itself, the one thing you'd want to know before you could decide whether it's truth or gibberish is how they selected their samples. Unless you survey a very large and truly random cross-section of people, and then follow them for 25 years, there's some chance you could be off the mark by more than a bit. There is good statistical methodology for dealing with smaller samples and historical follow-up, but it only works if the study is designed right.

That said, I think it's a big mistake to start one's interpersonal sex life too late. What you could screw up and learn from in your teens could be way more traumatic and long-lasting if commenced in your late 20's or 30's. Best to get the idiot/awkward phase of your sex life over while everyone else is being an idiot, too.
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on October 30, 2009 at 6:49 PM · Report this
27
I hate this...

Dan/Slog quotes Foxnews quoting ABC News quoting a Columbia University study. Why not just quote the study and skip the layers of rewrite and interpretation? They don't add much.

As for the study itself, the one thing you'd want to know before you could decide whether it's truth or gibberish is how they selected their samples. Unless you survey a very large and truly random cross-section of people, and then follow them for 25 years, there's some chance you could be off the mark by more than a bit. There is good statistical methodology for dealing with smaller samples and historical follow-up, but it only works if the study is designed right.

That said, I think it's a big mistake to start one's interpersonal sex life too late. What you could screw up and learn from in your teens could be way more traumatic and long-lasting if commenced in your late 20's or 30's. Best to get the idiot/awkward phase of your sex life over while everyone else is being an idiot, too.
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on October 30, 2009 at 7:22 PM · Report this
28
I love seeing the nameless person (above comment) getting his/her control-top pantyhose in a wad about Dan's jab at The South. You illustrate his point so beautifully. (Go burn a cross on your front lawn or something--it'll cheer you right up, I'm sure.) Stevie Jay
Posted by stevie jay on November 6, 2009 at 12:06 PM · Report this

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