Slog
News & ArtsWednesday, October 14, 2009
At Large The Mysteries of Sea-Tac Airport, Part 3
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Oct 14, 2009 at 11:45 AM
That's a basketball team streaming by the Starbucks where I'm Slogging. (Sorry about the picture quality, particularly because some of those boys are hot.) Those granola bars aren't weighing so heavily on my mind now. I'm sitting here praying that the team, as hot as some of members of it are, aren't headed to the gate that my flight departs from. (N-2, if the information screens can be trusted—WHICH THEY CAN'T. Hey, if you're reading this near N-2, drop by and say hello.) I think it's risky to fly with sports teams—high school, college, professional. It's tragedy bait. The plane goes down, a whole team perishes, a school mourns, a town rallies, a new live team goes out and wins the championship in memory of the old dead team. Book deals are made, film rights are purchased, movies are released. And the Tragedy of Alaska Flight 326—feels kinda jinxy to type that—is forever reduced to the 20 or so athletes who died in the disaster, never mind the 150 or so other people on board. They don't even get walk-ons in the movies about the airline crash that took their lives.
If my plane crashes I want my death mentioned in the first or second paragraph, not relegated to a list in the sidebar ("Other Passengers On Alaska 326"). Is that selfish of me?
2
So, your version of the tragic sports team scenario is: the kid overcomes life with a single parent (who never finds love again btw), and decides to follow in your footsteps...becomes a writer, and then dedicates each book to you.
Gross.
Gross.
3
SELFISH SAVAGE!!!!
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT GIVING MORR OF MYSELF TO THE COMMUNITY, BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO SURGICALLY REMOVE DAT MANNY OF MY FEET FROM DAT MANNY OF YOUR ASSES.
SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT GIVING MORR OF MYSELF TO THE COMMUNITY, BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT HOW HARD IT WOULD BE TO SURGICALLY REMOVE DAT MANNY OF MY FEET FROM DAT MANNY OF YOUR ASSES.
4
Yes it's selfish, but you've done as much to earn a mention in the tragic plane crash story as any of those basketball players, so why not.
Winds are currently SSE at 14mph; not bad but expect some chop. Crappy weather in San Jose too. Happy landings!
Winds are currently SSE at 14mph; not bad but expect some chop. Crappy weather in San Jose too. Happy landings!
8
#3 If you go to a second hand store, you can often pickup a used computer keyboad cheap that has a functioning "caps lock" key. You know, one you can turn on and off, so you don't look like an idiot shouting at everyone who reads Slog comments.
11
Maybe, instead of dying tragically, you'll be saved by one of the hot basketball players who, at some point during the rescue, will be forced to take off his shirt because it's hindering him.
13
So the unasked question is really: who to cast as the late Dan Savage in "The Tragedy of Alaska Flight 326"?
...and would it be a musical?
...and would it be a musical?
14
I think you're safe as long as a young girl traveling to get a heart transplant doesn't get on board.
15
Oh Dan, honey, you are famous... you would be in at least paragraph two of the story... and the christianists would be all happy that Jebus had punished you with a firey plane crash death.
Little do they know that you would ride one of the basketball players down screaming YEEEEHAAAA...
Dr. StrangeLove takes on a whole new meaning.
Little do they know that you would ride one of the basketball players down screaming YEEEEHAAAA...
Dr. StrangeLove takes on a whole new meaning.
18
@13 How about Rupert Everett as Dan?
I don't think it should be a musical, but maybe Elton John can change the lyrics to Candle in the Wind for Dan, and they can play it during the end credits. Or This Used to Be My Playground by Madonna. Both fitting. :)
I don't think it should be a musical, but maybe Elton John can change the lyrics to Candle in the Wind for Dan, and they can play it during the end credits. Or This Used to Be My Playground by Madonna. Both fitting. :)
20
@13 & 18: Hugh Jackman as Dan! Definitely Hugh Jackman.
And Dan, that is selfish but not a bad selfish.
Fly Happy!
And Dan, that is selfish but not a bad selfish.
Fly Happy!
21
HENH!!!
THE CONFLATION OF CAPSLOCK WIT SHOUTERY IS QUITE POSSIBZ THE WORST INVENTION IN HISTORY AND IS WORST ANALOGY AND ANALOGIC THINKING THAT TRAPS US IN TRASH LIKE YOU AND YOUR UNCLEAN BLOOD.
CAPS IZ BIG, BUT I AM THE SHOUTY ONE, NOT MY LETTERS!
THE CONFLATION OF CAPSLOCK WIT SHOUTERY IS QUITE POSSIBZ THE WORST INVENTION IN HISTORY AND IS WORST ANALOGY AND ANALOGIC THINKING THAT TRAPS US IN TRASH LIKE YOU AND YOUR UNCLEAN BLOOD.
CAPS IZ BIG, BUT I AM THE SHOUTY ONE, NOT MY LETTERS!
23
A headline in the ARA maritime union newspaper: "RADIO OPERATOR LOST AT SEA". Further down in the story - came the additional information that the ship - the s/s Pan Oceanic Faith - went down with all hands (44 other hands in fact). So it's a matter of priorities, Dan. The Stranger would clearly headline your demise. But SGN would probably lead with: PROMINENT GAY AMERICAN COMMUNIST, DON SAUVAGE, GOES DOWN ON PLAIN.
24
Tom @8 I'm surprised that more commentary sites don't scan text for all caps, and if there are more than ten letters and no upper case just converts it all to lower case.
Maybe it was tried and had unforeseen consequences.
Maybe it was tried and had unforeseen consequences.
25
I LIKE TO USE CAPS ALSO BECAUSE IT MAKES PEOPLE MAD AND IT BURNS YOUR WORTHLESS EYES OUT AND ALSORUN ON SENTENCES WITH NO SENSE IS COOL TOO LIKE THIS ONE I KNOW HOW TO USE SPEELCHEECKER AND STUFF AND THINGS BUTTFUCK IT. THE WAY YOU WHINE LIKE LITTLE JOURNAL BABIES IS FUNNY TO MEE.
28
I once shared a trans-Atlantic flight with the Canadian hockey team (not as in an NHL team... as in the all-star team playing for Canada in a world championship). The plane had rows of three seats; I had the window, one of the players had the aisle, and the middle seat was empty.
After we had lifted off, he took off his pants and spent the rest of the trip in shirt and underwear.
I am not making this up. I thought it odd, but didn't care enough to complain. But I did also think it was odd that the flight attendants didn't tell him to put his pants back on.
After we had lifted off, he took off his pants and spent the rest of the trip in shirt and underwear.
I am not making this up. I thought it odd, but didn't care enough to complain. But I did also think it was odd that the flight attendants didn't tell him to put his pants back on.
29
Yes, that's totally selfish of you.
But, if you died in a plane crash, I'm sure it would get at least equal billing with a team of hot basketball players an you're just one person.
But, if you died in a plane crash, I'm sure it would get at least equal billing with a team of hot basketball players an you're just one person.
30
No! The sports team plane crash of all time is the one they based the movie Alive! on, the soccer team that crashed in the Andes, and survived for months in winter by eating the frozen corpses of the people who died in the crash. Also, of course, they were insanely physically fit to begin with. And totally share-share alike. It's a very moving story, and, as you will find if you see the documentary film version, the actors [Ethan Hawke et al] who played them in the Hollywood version were not remotely as good looking. But nobody is. So if you fly with a sports team, think of that story as your model; not only are your chances of survival higher [they were discovered when two of them took a long, punishing trek over the mountains and found a dude on a donkey] [something your average co-passengers would not be up for], but if you do die, you have the honor of being transubstantiated into the flesh of someone ridiculously beautiful. Happy thoughts!
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