Attention masses!

I find myself in the most curious position of being quite undeniably obsessed about the idea, the concept, the would-be-mayor that is Joe Mallahan. My dark little soul is BURSTING with a fiery, passionate Mallahan-ish curiosity! I want to know everything about him! Every little thing! (Except about his job or his millions o’ dollars or his voting record—or complete lack thereof. I don’t want to know anymore about that dreadful crap at all.)

I want to know the real Joe Mallahan: What does he eat for breakfast? (Crispy Creams flown to him on the back of a Hippogryph? Gold-dipped Dodo eggs?) What do those soft, soft Mallahands touch during an average day? (Besides million-dollar bills.) Does he squat or hover? (I bet he hovers!) Does his chin-cleft collect water when it rains? The suspense is killing me!

I once commanded a legion of star-stalkers that scoured the city in search of dish on the rich, notable, famous, and so forth. I call upon that sleeping army of celebrity-stalkers now! I summon you, and move you to action! HEED ME!

Go forth! Spy! Eavesdrop! Observe casually! Memorize details! Make shit up if you have to! (Just kidding!) And send every little thing to me at adrian@thestranger.com. No detail is too small (or too soft… mmm…)!

Did John Mallahan eat a hot dog? Did he scratch his ear at dinner? How are his shoe laces looking…nice and tied? SEND IT!

DO IT! I NEED TO KNOW!

(Oh…and for clarity, here’s what he looks like. I suggest you watch with the sound off.)

Go!

(P.S. Don't break any laws. Mean it. Thanks.)