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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Animals Uprising

Posted by Charles Mudede on Tue, Oct 6, 2009 at 8:55 AM

The end begins:

Lakeland, Florida — A Lakeland woman is recovering from serious injuries in the hospital after sheriff's investigators say she was "gang attacked" by five raccoons Saturday afternoon.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd says 74-year-old Gretchen Whitted was trying to shoo the animals away from her front door when they suddenly attacked.

"When she fell down, they enveloped her," said Sheriff Judd in a news conference called Sunday to warn the public of the aggressive raccoons.

"She's literally bitten and scratched from face and the chest all the way down through the legs."

Raccoons are known to be aggressive when going after food, but the sheriff called Saturday's attack very unusual.

"Not in all my years in Florida have I known of a gang attack by raccoons on an individual," Sheriff Judd said.

I can imagine nothing worse than being bitten by a raccoon. My mind can barely manage the image of that creature biting my arms, my cheeks, my chest.

How horrible.

Comments (21) RSS

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She should have just shot them.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on October 6, 2009 at 9:11 AM

I can imagine nothing worse than being bitten by a raccoon.

There is something worse, you could live in Lakeland, FL

Posted by Charliez Crist on October 6, 2009 at 9:15 AM

"The police are trying to ID the suspects, but they were all wearing masks."

Thank you.

Posted by Bohica on October 6, 2009 at 9:28 AM

"I can imagine nothing worse than being bitten by a raccoon."

Pitbulls, tigers, piranha, alligators, sharks, komodo dragons...
And if "nothing worse" includes all bad experience and not merely animal bites, let's talk about cancer, disembowellment, flesh-eating bacteria, leprousy, immolation...

Really, Mudede, for someone who expends so much effort on fanciful wankery you have an awfully limited imagination.

Posted by Foggen on October 6, 2009 at 9:29 AM

What isn't being said in the article is that in Fl., raccoons have a high probability of carrying rabies. So, in all likelihood, not only is she recovering from a horrific attack, she probably will have to endure treatment for rabies as well.

Posted by Duvall-ite on October 6, 2009 at 9:39 AM

Hilarious story.

Posted by nyker on October 6, 2009 at 9:43 AM

@4 --- Hyberbole is Charles' main form of communication.

Subtlety is never part of the picture....

Posted by hartiepie on October 6, 2009 at 9:48 AM

Yeah, I suspect the series of extremely painful rabies shots might even be worse. Might.

God, she's 74. How awful.

Posted by TVDinner

on October 6, 2009 at 9:53 AM

When I was a kid, we traveled a lot and spent about a month camping in FL. The raccoons there were basically a street gang and we were on their turf. I saw two raccoons get into a van, steal a full sack of groceries and run off with it on their hind legs. The would menace us at every meal and shooting them with a wrist rocket slingshot would only get them to shuffle off to the edge of the camp site with a look that said "you got to turn your back sometime, sucker". Bad ass animals. Respect the raccoon!

Posted by Westside forever on October 6, 2009 at 10:04 AM

I wish my teeth were that perfect.

Posted by PTrig on October 6, 2009 at 10:19 AM

TVDinner, actually, nowadays rabies shots aren't any more painful than flu shots. The old foot-long needles in the abdomen thing is no more. However, the new shots are very expensive-- Granny's lucky she gets Medicare.

Posted by drewvsea on October 6, 2009 at 10:45 AM

Jump to the 6 minute mark in this episode of This American Life to hear the following raccoon-related segment:

"Some of the scariest stories happen when fluffy, innocent creatures turn murderously evil. This American Life producer Alex Blumberg tells one such story, about a raccoon gone bad. (11 minutes)"

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Ep…

Posted by stinkbug on October 6, 2009 at 10:48 AM

Nice photo accompanying the post, Charles! Those are some perfectly straight gleaming white chompers!

Posted by mmennonno

on October 6, 2009 at 10:55 AM

@8, the current rabies vaccination protocol is virtually painless. Wikipedia:

Modern cell-based vaccines are similar to flu shots in terms of pain and side effects. The old nerve-tissue-based vaccinations require multiple painful injections into the abdomen with a large needle, are cheap, and are now used only in remote poor areas in India, but are being phased out and replaced by affordable WHO ID (intradermal) vaccination regimes.

Posted by rob!

on October 6, 2009 at 11:07 AM

11 beat me to it while I was fappin' or something, but for post-exposure prophylaxis (as opposed to preventive vaccination), it's the single dose of human rabies immunoglobulin that is administered immediately (before vaccine) that is extremely expensive.

Posted by rob!

on October 6, 2009 at 11:12 AM

stinkbug @12, thank you for giving me an excuse to listen to that again! Such a great Hallowe'en story. I am now gripped by total raccoon fear.

Posted by Irena on October 6, 2009 at 11:20 AM

All of this was foretold by the classic Aztec calendar that said an allingment of raccoons and opossums would happen this month. The calendar ends after that.

Posted by Heather on October 6, 2009 at 12:13 PM

If she was a cat-granny she would have nothing to fear. Her 27 or so cats would've easily fended off the raccoons.

Posted by crazycatguy on October 6, 2009 at 12:44 PM

She must have provoked them somehow ;)

Posted by Jamie in Pittsburgh

on October 6, 2009 at 2:54 PM

raccoons dont go mean or bad, they are mean mo fo's . i saw them tear a possum to shreads.

Posted by SeMe on October 6, 2009 at 2:58 PM

Raccoons can be scary bastards, and BIG. People who've only seen the juveniles don't realize how large the adults can be. I was backpacking out on the coast one time, and had a racket of squabbling and growling and snarling wake me up. I sat up and growled really loudly, and got back a GRRROWL that froze me in my sleeping bag. I thought I'd pissed off a bear. I finally nerved myself up to look outside, and there were a dozen HUGE raccoons trying to get my foodbag (which was tied up in a tree in the proper manner). I put on a poncho, and ran around flapping it, banging pots and pans, and yelling, and they sort of raised a single eyebrow and went, "um, yeah, that all you got?" The only thing they were even remotely afraid of was my flashlight. I finally gave up trying to shoo them off, went back to my tent, and stuffed kleenex in my ears so I could sleep.

Posted by Geni on October 6, 2009 at 3:37 PM