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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Oct 1, 2009 at 4:57 PM

I think I've come up with a compromise that will solve this whole gay marriage business. It's something that Republicans—who love declaring war on human nature—and the rest of us—understand statistics—should be able to get fully behind.

Go ahead and ban gay marriage by Constitutional amendment. BUT, add this proviso: Every time an elected Republican politician in America is caught having an affair, 1,000 gay marriage licenses are issued. For politicians at the federal level, make it 5,000. And if the affair is with a person of the same sex or if money is involved, double the number of licenses (2,000 for local and state, 10,000 for federal elected office holders). By my loose estimate, that should generate a healthy 20-50 thousand gay marriages a year—EASY—and the Republicans will have no one to blame but themselves and their leaders. All those marrying gay folks could toast the cheating hypocrite who won them their marriage rights at their reception, which, I don't know, sort of brings the two sides together in a way, too.

The idea came to me when I was reading this story, about a local family-values Republican who apparently got some city contractors to buy a car for his mistress (money was involved: 2000 gays would be legally married tomorrow in my system). Let me know if someone has already proposed this so I don't go around parading myself as a social and political genius.

A Social and Political Genius

I haven't seen this proposed elsewhere, ASAPG, so parade away. And it's a pretty genius idea, I must say. Of course I'd rather not see the U.S. Constitution amended to ban same-sex marriage at all, ASAPG, but if it does happen I hope your proposal is incorporated into the language of the amendment. We'd never be able to use all the same-sex marriage licenses that would be issued in a single calendar year—a toast to you, Sen. Ensign! mazel tov, Gov. Sanford!—and our enemies would point to all those unused same-sex marriage licenses as proof that we were never really serious about getting married in the first place. But still, ASAPG, great idea.

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Or we could just enforce the separation of Church and State and then it really wouldn't matter.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on October 1, 2009 at 5:15 PM

Dunno if you're a social and political genius, but that's pretty awesome.

Posted by shabadoo on October 1, 2009 at 5:25 PM

Someone give ASAPG a senate seat - stat!

Posted by madscntst on October 1, 2009 at 5:41 PM

I think I'm in love.

Posted by Y.F. Redux on October 1, 2009 at 5:49 PM

I've got a better one- mandate that the government no longer issue marriage licenses.

Instead, all government-recognized unions (and all the rights included) will be granted with civil union licenses (to both heterosexual and homosexual couples). Thus, "marriage" becomes a purely symbolic word used primarily by religious institutions.

That's been the problem all along- conservatives can't differentiate between religious marriage and civil marriage... one you perform in a church, and one is granted in a courthouse. Only one of them is of any interest to the gays at large- the religious rights need to be fought for by the gay people in those faiths.

Posted by UNPAID COMMENTER on October 1, 2009 at 5:50 PM

What about Marriage Credits...so, if two single people stay single, they can sell their Marriage Credit to a gay couple...it's like Carbon Credits, only for Gay Marriage.

Did I explain that right?

Posted by UW ditz on October 1, 2009 at 5:57 PM

UW ditz - you did explain that right, which makes you also a social and political genius.

Posted by Calpete on October 1, 2009 at 6:58 PM

And the number of available marriage credits in the market would be capped, and decreased each year! We could end marriage within our lifetime!

Posted by Fistique on October 1, 2009 at 10:57 PM

Wait! Will the unused licenses roll over from one year to the next?

I love it that ASAPG includes a proviso that "if the affair is with a person of the same sex" the number of licenses will be doubled. Because every time I hear someone claim that same-sex marriage "threatens marriage", what I really hear is them saying, "If same-sex marriage becomes legal then the guy I've been blowing is really going to start pressuring me to leave my wife."

Posted by Southern Gentleman

on October 2, 2009 at 6:21 AM

You know, this would be one of the few situations where 2 wrongs (in the mind of Republicans) make a right (in the mind of the sensible. Or 1,000-10,000 rights.

Posted by Root on October 2, 2009 at 9:01 AM

@1 FTW!!
ASAPG's idea is great, but come on, logic and statistics isn't really the rightwing's strongest suit. Look at their attitude to abstinence only programs and their stubborn attempts to prove that the programs didn't fail but were just badly enforced.

Posted by sadini on October 2, 2009 at 10:47 AM

@5: Yes! Yes very much. IF marriage is a "sacred institution" which is subject to the moral code endorsed by the Bible, and therefore must be protected from the influence of those immoral homosexuals, THEN it has no business whatsoever being governed in any way by any branch of the government. America has a choice: either A) grant some sort of legal partnership which is unaffiliated with religious marriage equally to everyone, or B) quit worrying about giving legal benefits to couples who commit to stay monogamous (or at least lie about it) for the rest of their lives (or until divorce). I vote for B), because it might help break this cycle of brainwashing that you must be in a monogamous relationship to be a good person.

Posted by MsLeading on October 2, 2009 at 4:01 PM

I am a right leaning Christian that thinks this is a great idea, so please don't paint us all with the same brush. Why limit it only to republicans that are having affairs. Add in the Democrats and you double the licenses. I also think all unions should be civil and any one that wants to have religious ceremony can. Let's all be equal and fair and maybe everyone can get what they want.
Linda

Posted by letslove on October 3, 2009 at 7:38 AM

@13
I don't know where you've been, Linda, but Democrats don't stand up on soapboxes and bellow about The Family and the Immorality of the Sodomites, then get caught trying to blow some guy in an airport bathroom. Or wearing two wetsuits with a dildo up their ass. Or... I could go on. We could all go on... It's not the weird sex in private, it's the finger-wagging in public, that puts the GOP on our poop list, that makes us sick of hearing their sermons.

Dan, only one problem with this idea:

Already, the Wallace/Palinite Right resists all new facts & news that they don't like because "it's them libruhl Jew media from NYC, playin' "gotcha journalism", always smearing our good leaders with stories based on unpleasant facts they discovered." And that's now.

Once you give teh gays a real motive to pry into the private lives of GOP politiicans, to really snoop, then any scandal unearthed will be immediately dismissed as, "oh, that's what THE GAYS are saying, but you know what THEIR motives are." All sex scandals uncovered will be ignored as "gay conspiracy against Dear Leader."

Which is why all their kinky sexytime needs to be caught on video and uploaded to the tubes. Yep.

Posted by CP on October 3, 2009 at 9:41 AM

Also, another solution would be to have all state-recognized marriages done by ship's captains. Maybe Gavin MacLeod.

Posted by CP on October 3, 2009 at 9:47 AM