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News & ArtsMonday, September 28, 2009
City / ??!! / Life / Teh Internets You Must Be Certified
Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 3:37 PM
From the wilds of Craigslist:
Vampire hunter (Seattle)Date: 2009-09-28, 9:20AM PDT
I need a certified vampire hunter immediately, I fear for my life everyday. There is someone in my presence who I suspect is a vampire. For non believers, you need not reply, as you are of no concern to me. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.. I will demand a copy of your certification, and will pay you $50 per hour for your time and investigations.
Location: Seattle
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $50 per hour
Thank you, eternal Hot Tipper Jake.
1
Oh yeah, I'm ready to rock and roll, brother. Got my certification, swords, daggers, garlic, you name it. Let's go!
Only problem is it's gonna cost $100 an hour. But hey, do you want the best, or do you want some chickenshit amateur?
Only problem is it's gonna cost $100 an hour. But hey, do you want the best, or do you want some chickenshit amateur?
2
I'm a chickenshit amateur with a forged certification, water I scooped out of a church parking lot, some garlic bread and a heavy brick.
It'll cost ya $25 an hour.
It'll cost ya $25 an hour.
3
I find it hilarious that I was somehow not the only one who noticed this but also immediately forwarded it to The Stranger. Way to go Seattle.
7
And, um, like, does the OP think there's some sort of sanctioning body - American Vampire-Hunters Association anyone? - that actually provides such "certification"?
11
Unfortunately for this person, it's not vampire season. There is some debate, however, as to whether it's duck season or wabbit season.
13
Is anyone else going to tell the police about this one? Presuming that the "vampire" is a person, aren't they essentially attempting to hire an assassin?
15
@ 14
Depends on which vampire reality we're in, here. In True Blood it definitely would be. Have to keep these things straight.
Depends on which vampire reality we're in, here. In True Blood it definitely would be. Have to keep these things straight.
18
If the ad is serious, the person who posted it may be suffering a psychotic episode. I know everybody wants to see humor in everything (a natural reaction to modern life), and perhaps the ad is a joke. But if it isn't, the poster could be in need of immediate medical attention.
19
Wait, wait, where can I get certified? That sounds way better than real estate school and it's a two-for-one, because I'm pretty sure if you're vampire-hunter certified, you can also help kill zombies when the outbreak happens.
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