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News & ArtsFriday, September 25, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Sep 25, 2009 at 4:19 PM
I'm a 28-year-old guy who's had pretty mundane sexual experiences other than the occasional light bondage and spanking scene. So a couple of weeks ago I had sex with a girl I've known for about a year and it was really good, fairly kinky sex. We had sex one more time together before she invited me to a party of hers that ended in a threesome involving her, myself, and a friend of hers (another girl) whom apparently, like me, she'd been trying to seduce for a while. It was a lot of fun and surprisingly not too awkward—not then. It is now.Here's the problem: the other participant in the threesome and I have begun seeing each other (movies, great sex, midnight snacks, etc.) on our own, but it's become increasingly clear that my friend—the girl who brought us together—has a crush on me. It's particularly awkward for my new friend who has to field phone calls and texts from our mutual friend attempting to decode my intentions. I probably should have seen both of these developments coming as early as our threesome, when i realized that this other girl was great to kiss—and gag and spank—and I surely should've realized it when my friend left the room when this girl and I started having sex, announcing in a loud voice that "girl on top is the most selfish position in a threeway." My new friend and I don't want to keep hiding from our mutual friend, but we don't want to hurt her either. What do we do?
Any advice is GREATLY appreciated.
Three Is Definitely a Crowd
My advice after the jump...
Girl A is going to get hurt, TIDAC, there's no way around it. Girl A is probably hurting already. The only question is just how bad the hurt is gonna be. The longer you wait to tell Girl A that you and Girl B are officially an item now, the worse the hurt. And the more texts Girl A sends Girl B "attempting to decode [your] intentions," the worse the feelings of betrayal and humiliation will be. So you're not sparing Girl A any pain by dragging this out, TIDAC.
Tell Girl A what's up now. Tell her today.
And if you don't—if you wait until she figures out what's going on—she'll not only be hurt, TIDAC, she'll be angry. And she'll have a right to be angry since your cowardly sneaking around made her pain much worse than it needed to be.
1
"girl on top is the most selfish position in a threeway."
I don't get it. I thought that would be the best position so that girl A could position herself over his face... waht am I missing?
I don't get it. I thought that would be the best position so that girl A could position herself over his face... waht am I missing?
3
Actually the most selfish position in a three way, any three way, is 69. It leaves no place for the third person to go...except...for...the...butt...hrmm maybe I should rethink that initial statement.
5
"girl on top is the most selfish position in a threeway."
I agree with, Allyn. I'm missing something, too.
Oh, and Dan is dead right in his advice. Tell the girl.
I agree with, Allyn. I'm missing something, too.
Oh, and Dan is dead right in his advice. Tell the girl.
8
@6: That's my question, too. I have to read Slog via RSS during the day because the ads are a little racy for work, and RSS doesn't include anything after the jump, so for the rest of the day I'm left in suspense.
11
Girl on top works provided there are two girls on top.
That said, Dan's right in his advice.
Next time use a condom.
That said, Dan's right in his advice.
Next time use a condom.
13
So, he can't satisfy two women? See them both! They started the three way so keep it going. Really, and stop complaining about having so many sex partners. It just irritates those of us who aren't getting any.
14
Jesus, "girl on top" is one of my favorite positions in an FMF three-way, as either girl. It might be considered kinda tough in an MFM threeway, though.
17
The easiest and best way to make sure no one feels left out in a three way is to always make physical contact with the third when one and two are doing some dyadic fucking (or 69ing, or whatever). Works great!
And yeah, Dan's right, take Girl A out to coffee and tell her what's up, a.s.a.f.p. But try to precede the information with something honestly positive, like how you think she's interesting, hot and intelligent (if in fact you do think those things. Don't lie. That's stupid.)
Also, depending on what Girl A and Girl B are willing to consider, you might be able to date both of them in a polyamorous kinda way. Check in with Girl B first before you consider proposing that to Girl A, of course.
And yeah, Dan's right, take Girl A out to coffee and tell her what's up, a.s.a.f.p. But try to precede the information with something honestly positive, like how you think she's interesting, hot and intelligent (if in fact you do think those things. Don't lie. That's stupid.)
Also, depending on what Girl A and Girl B are willing to consider, you might be able to date both of them in a polyamorous kinda way. Check in with Girl B first before you consider proposing that to Girl A, of course.
18
Tell her now.
Also, consider that you might be a little bit of an asshole. You were having great kinky sex with this women, she went out on a limb to invite a friend of hers along for a threesome, and you're surprised that she's upset that you're now dating that person? Unless she told you up front that she was looking for no-strings-attached sex, duh she was into you and hoping that this was the start of something bigger, and no shit she's pissed that you're now dating her friend and not considering dating her.
Also, consider that you might be a little bit of an asshole. You were having great kinky sex with this women, she went out on a limb to invite a friend of hers along for a threesome, and you're surprised that she's upset that you're now dating that person? Unless she told you up front that she was looking for no-strings-attached sex, duh she was into you and hoping that this was the start of something bigger, and no shit she's pissed that you're now dating her friend and not considering dating her.
20
Dan's advice is right, but I also have to admire the resolve of the couple—if I'm reading the letter correctly—to continue unfazed after being verbally admonished, then abandoned during the act, by the 3rd party.
21
Well now the smart asses - what is left in a 3 way if one is on top
1. hands
2. feet
3. vacant mouths
nothing xesy left to do??
Duh...
1. hands
2. feet
3. vacant mouths
nothing xesy left to do??
Duh...
22
"...ended in a threesome involving her, myself, and a friend of hers (another girl) whom apparently, like me, she'd been trying to seduce for a while.It was a lot of fun and surprisingly not too awkward—not then."
"and I surely should've realized it when my friend left the room when this girl and I started having sex, announcing in a loud voice that "girl on top is the most selfish position in a threeway."
But other than 33.3% of the participants calling the others selfish and storming out it wasn't too awkward.
"and I surely should've realized it when my friend left the room when this girl and I started having sex, announcing in a loud voice that "girl on top is the most selfish position in a threeway."
But other than 33.3% of the participants calling the others selfish and storming out it wasn't too awkward.
25
Girl on top is hardly selfish in a MMF threeway. Her mouth is perfectly positioned for the second guy to kneel in front of her...
I'll be in my bunk.
I'll be in my bunk.
27
TIIDAC, you're an asshole! You know why? You just totally ruined Girl A's boyfriend's future chances at a threesome. Girl A will forever be dull and monogamous from here on in, due to the fear of losing her man to the third wheel. You totally just pissed in some dude's pool.
30
TIDAC, what are you looking for? The one perfect girl to make babies with and die? Then yeah, you should choose. But I bet you like them both! And it sounds like they're both good friends with each other and sexually compatible. And they both like you! So... why does anybody need to be left out? Don't hand out titles, don't needlessly end two perfectly good relationship (you and girl A, girl A and girl B). Would there be awkward times? Sure, probably. But imagine the potential for the friendships to flourish and the ridiculous sexual possibilities to continue. If the three of you could manage to look past your personal expectations of what a "normal relationship", I bet the three of you could really have a beautiful, interesting, rewarding experience.
31
I cannot imagine having one of the participants walk out in the middle of a threesome, and just casually keep going... and then not consider it a catastrophe after. I mean, that sounds like pretty bad news to me.
32
I cannot imagine having one of the participants walk out in the middle of a threesome, and just casually keep going... and then not consider it a catastrophe after. I mean, that sounds like pretty bad news to me.
36
Yeah, what Thompson said. I read Dan Savage and feel like my life is 10x more boring than it could have been.
37
I don't think he's even seeing girl B. He just calls her his new friend who's great to kiss and spank. That seems to be what girl A was. There's nothing "up" with them to tell, so tell her that.
38
JesseJB@23: I need some help drawing the correct inference from your proof. I just flipped a quarter and it came up heads. Does that mean that this particular coin will always come up heads, or that all coins everywhere will always come up heads? I think this matter will be of immediate interest to all NFL teams.
39
Well, i know many LGBT. espcially bisexual single, bisexual couples and bi curious at Bimingle.com . can view the bisexual style photos. hot but also honest girl and cute.
40
Girl on top is also ideal for double penetration in an MMF threesome. You just lean forward a bit, the second guy straddles the first guy moves in close behind and . . . I'll be in my bunk,
42
You need two things:
1. Some info on polyamory. Triads are hot, yo.
2. Some info on unselfish threesome positions. I recommend lots of porn.
If 1. pays off, you're going to have a lifetime of having to be unselfish here. Poor you.
1. Some info on polyamory. Triads are hot, yo.
2. Some info on unselfish threesome positions. I recommend lots of porn.
If 1. pays off, you're going to have a lifetime of having to be unselfish here. Poor you.
43
Maybe I'm reading this all wrong, but seems to me that if Girl A didn't mind sharing TIDAC, why did she get pissed during the threeway? Like so many have said, girl on top doesn't seem selfish at all. She just couldn't handle it when it happened because she was conflicted about sharing TIDAC to begin with.
Unless there was some untold agreement between TIDAC and Girl A, I think Girl A probably should have just waited to invite a third person into a new relationship. Now that the horse is out of the barn, there's really no one to blame but herself.
But yeah, tell her now before it get worse. Unless you get wise and don't go exclusive with the new girl, which seems like the win-win here.
Unless there was some untold agreement between TIDAC and Girl A, I think Girl A probably should have just waited to invite a third person into a new relationship. Now that the horse is out of the barn, there's really no one to blame but herself.
But yeah, tell her now before it get worse. Unless you get wise and don't go exclusive with the new girl, which seems like the win-win here.
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