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News & ArtsWednesday, September 23, 2009
Savage Love University of South Florida - Tampa
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 8:33 PM
Some of the questions asked by USF students tonight...
Why do guys want to have their cake and eat it too?
You're very open-minded and fair about alternative relationships and lifestyles. Are there ever times where you think, "I can't be fair about this one"?
Does fisting, anal or vaginal, cause permanent damage?
So I'm gay and I'm looking to find someone to date. But... HOW? There are the big three websites—M.H., C.L., A4A—but I'm not going to find dates there. Gay bars in Tampa are for posing and then going home and finding a hookup on the web after. What's a boy to do?
Any advice for a 27-year-old straight female who is bitter about the straight dating scene?
Can someone become un-gay?
Acknowledging that kink shouldn't be a source of shame and that sex isn't something to be embarrassed by, is there an argument to be made that American culture is devaluing the intimacy formally linked to sex? Put another way, is there a cultural social/psychological downside to an attitude of recreational sex?
Some of my answers: because cake is delicious; yup; it's hell on non-waterproof wristwatches; gay websites and bars are full of boys who feel the same way you do about gay websites and bars and it's your job to find those boys and flee the websites and bars with them; find a gay boy who's as bitter about the gay dating scene as you are about the straight dating scene and be each other wingpersons; a person can stop identifying as gay, of course, but no one has to believe him; what the fuck are you talking about?
2
Is #1 and #5 the same person?
Selfish shits come in all sizes, colors, religions, and sexes (for your pleasure!).
For every straight boy who wants to have his cake and eat it too, there's a straight girl (and gay boy, and gay girl, and so on, and so on) that wants exactly the same thing.
Stop trying to be a victim and just accept that there are shits out there and it's best to avoid them and warn others when possible and move on when not.
Selfish shits come in all sizes, colors, religions, and sexes (for your pleasure!).
For every straight boy who wants to have his cake and eat it too, there's a straight girl (and gay boy, and gay girl, and so on, and so on) that wants exactly the same thing.
Stop trying to be a victim and just accept that there are shits out there and it's best to avoid them and warn others when possible and move on when not.
3
For the last one I'd say no, but there is a social/psychological downside to the WRONG attitude of recreational sex.
4
Re: the last question
I believe he or she is asking the basic Larry Kramer question -- by encouraging the idea that recreational sex is okay have we devalued other kinds of sex? I assume the questioner is referencing monogamous and/or committed sexual relationships that serve functions above and beyond getting one's rocks off.
I believe he or she is asking the basic Larry Kramer question -- by encouraging the idea that recreational sex is okay have we devalued other kinds of sex? I assume the questioner is referencing monogamous and/or committed sexual relationships that serve functions above and beyond getting one's rocks off.
5
I want to know if you've met with any of those roaches in Tampa? That was more horrifying than the last question.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing.
9
@7: I have never heard it that way, but Wikipedia grants that the phrase is "sometimes" said that way:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Have_one%27…
More importantly: the semantic meaning is identical in both cases. So, if you believe that people can "have their cake and it too," then you should also agree that people can "eat their cake and have it too. "
To put it more simply:
Question #1: Why do people think that 2 + 3 = 5?
joykiller: 2 + 3 does = 5. The question is why do people think 3 + 2 = 5!
Me: ....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Have_one%27…
More importantly: the semantic meaning is identical in both cases. So, if you believe that people can "have their cake and it too," then you should also agree that people can "eat their cake and have it too. "
To put it more simply:
Question #1: Why do people think that 2 + 3 = 5?
joykiller: 2 + 3 does = 5. The question is why do people think 3 + 2 = 5!
Me: ....
10
i think the last questioner might have meant "formerly"--as in "the good old days"--instead of "formally." it's a highly biased question, with an "either/or" supposition inherent in it. you might have taken the opportunity to put to rest this person's fear that kink and fun equate with shallowness and lack of true feeling within sexual relations.
11
@9, the distinction is in the time difference implied by "and" -- having one's cake first and THEN eating it is much easier than eating one's cake and THEN having it (which would be impossible).
14
Hey Dan,
Come back to Seattle and find people to slog news items.
Everett baristas and undercover detectives.
Hutchison/Constantine debate.
etc.
Come back to Seattle and find people to slog news items.
Everett baristas and undercover detectives.
Hutchison/Constantine debate.
etc.
15
Fisting FAIL
Answer the question.
Snark and Glib Smart Assery only work with the credulous koolaid slurping groupies.
(if you're clueless let Golob anawer it...)
Answer the question.
Snark and Glib Smart Assery only work with the credulous koolaid slurping groupies.
(if you're clueless let Golob anawer it...)
18
re: un-Gay
Why can't someone have experimented and decided that they are hetero after all?
Dan's Homosexuality is like the Hotel California- you can check-out any time you like but you can never leave...
Which is convenient if you are trying to trick confused young kids and get them trapped.
Supportive 'Gay Straight Alliance' advisors urging 13 year old kids to act on their whims and impulses- "Out yourself- It's TOTALLY Cool!"
Changed your mind?
Realized you were wrong?
"Sure, kid-
You can stop identifying as gay,
of course,
but no one has to believe you..."
What is the only way out of Dan's Homosexuality?
Suicide, of course.
Why can't someone have experimented and decided that they are hetero after all?
Dan's Homosexuality is like the Hotel California- you can check-out any time you like but you can never leave...
Which is convenient if you are trying to trick confused young kids and get them trapped.
Supportive 'Gay Straight Alliance' advisors urging 13 year old kids to act on their whims and impulses- "Out yourself- It's TOTALLY Cool!"
Changed your mind?
Realized you were wrong?
"Sure, kid-
You can stop identifying as gay,
of course,
but no one has to believe you..."
What is the only way out of Dan's Homosexuality?
Suicide, of course.
19
@18 - being homosexual also means having a homoemotional need - needing/desiring intimacy with the same sex. That rarely changes. If you're experimenting with sex and your same sex partners are fully aware, it won't really be a problem if you're being upfront and honest.
Just like some straight people aren't 100% secure in their sexuality, some gay folks aren't either.
Just like some straight people aren't 100% secure in their sexuality, some gay folks aren't either.
20
I'm not aware of statistics on youth suicide with experimental sex is listed as the cited reason. Unfortunately, there are well documented statistics on youth suicide with being rejected for being homosexual is cited as the reason. If there is a "Hotel California" effect of being homosexual, it's not experimental sex, it's despair due to the belief that being gay means one will be permanently rejected by ones family and peers.
24
Dan, shame on you! You left out the best question! It was the 2-parter at the end: Why didn't you like having sex with that girl for your first time because "didn't she have a butthole?" And was it her fault that you're gay?
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