Slog
News & ArtsSaturday, September 19, 2009
Sex Help a Sister Out
Posted by Dan Savage on Sat, Sep 19, 2009 at 11:31 AM
This question appeared at the end of the very long comments thread on yesterday's "Savage Love Letter of the Day." Didn't think many people would see it, so I'm posting it here because this woman needs help...
I am a straight girl who doesn't like giving head. I feel like a whore and slut. In my case, everybody is right, I feel like it's something being forced upon me, I'm afraid of being bad at it, afraid of cum in my mouth, having my head shoved down too far, I even get a claustrophic-like feeling having something that big in my mouth, blah, blah, blah...However, I really want to change. I want to like it. I want to love giving such pleasure to my guy. I want to happily return the favour cuz my current guy does amazing things to me with his tongue. The biggest thing I have is the feeling of sluttiness. I don't think of other girls who like it as a whore. So... anyone have any ideas? How can I change? How can I like sucking dick?
Help her out, Sloggers.
2
Do you think of your boyfriend as a manwhore when he goes down on you? Cause it's the same thing.
And beyond that, it's hot BECAUSE it's a little slutty. That's okay.
And beyond that, it's hot BECAUSE it's a little slutty. That's okay.
3
Well, not to try and imbue this with too much possibly-bullshit-psychoanalysis, but it seems like the two issues - the feeling of whoreishness and the claustrophobic physical reaction - are possibly interlinked. The psychological block which causes her to avoid this act because she believes that it brands her a slut may cause a panicked hyper-sensitivity to any minor physical discomfort experienced while giving head, making her extremely aware of these discomforts as a product of her subconscious dislike of the activity. Perhaps she could try rationalising to herself that giving head isn't whoreish and keep this rationalisation at the forefront of her mind while actually doing it; alternatively, she could consciously embrace and/or eroticize her perception of giving head as sluttish, considering that a lot of sluts are actually really nice people.
4
Look, I'm a 26 year old gay male, and I still have some sexual inhibitions. However, I've discovered that if you just let yourself go and fucking go for it already, that it's not that bad. In fact, it's good. If you just start doing it (willingly and on your own) then you'd be amazed of much that turns your guy on, and in turn, makes you even hotter for it.
It's a cycle. In short, just do it. Once you're doing it...enjoy it. Make it enjoyable for him. Make him squirm and that will get you into the flow of wanting to give it more and more.
It's a cycle. In short, just do it. Once you're doing it...enjoy it. Make it enjoyable for him. Make him squirm and that will get you into the flow of wanting to give it more and more.
5
You are a byproduct of the 60's and the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama.
You wouldn't even think of such a thing if those people hadn't corrupted our culture with pot, communism, and homosexuality.
Listen to Glenn Beck and get right, young lady.
You wouldn't even think of such a thing if those people hadn't corrupted our culture with pot, communism, and homosexuality.
Listen to Glenn Beck and get right, young lady.
6
Just imagine that throbbing rod is a big old piece of your favourite candy, or something else you thinks tastes good. Close your eyes and go slow at first. Don't try to take the whole thing. Personally I used to be a slut back in high school 10 plus years ago, but I still do love sucking a big ol' long, wide, and hard cock! Besides, I think being a slut (or at least role playing I am slut) turns me on a bit. I don't see anything taboo about sluts.
Back to sucking cock: Using my imagination helped me a lot when I first started getting good at it. Try to zone out and not focus on what you are doing. Let him play with your kooter and relax as you suck. Soon you will be opening up your throat muscles and be swallowing the whole cock just like the pros!
Back to sucking cock: Using my imagination helped me a lot when I first started getting good at it. Try to zone out and not focus on what you are doing. Let him play with your kooter and relax as you suck. Soon you will be opening up your throat muscles and be swallowing the whole cock just like the pros!
7
I felt like this, too, for a long while. I only did it begrudgingly--I always thought vaginal sex was superior because then we were both enjoying ourselves, and not one or the other. I just assumed I wasn't into it, and it was something I did to indulge my husband. But I really wanted to like it, since my husband is so eager and willing to go down on me. Totally was in your shoes. I tried my best to eroticize it, and to--as Dan Savage so often stresses--think of it as actual sex. So rather than thinking about all the mutual pleasure we could be having if we were having vaginal sex, I tried to think about how sexy it was for my husband to be getting this from me, and how hot it was to see him so into it. I got off to a lot of porn that involved oral sex. It wasn't easy at first, because I thought it was kinda gross, but I just began to think about how hot the girl looked giving it. And I considered how hot I might look giving it--I began to come around. I was also very open with my husband about my hangups, and when I blew him, it came with a lot of preconditions. But he indulged me and was patient. It took a lot of years, but now I love it. I don't think of oral sex as a side dish anymore--it's a main course. I don't feel like a whore; it's not like I'm blowing a line of guys, I'm being slutty just for him. Like... a passionately devoted slut. You just need to explore it from all angles and find out how you can eroticize it. I get off on seeing how much he wants me, but it could be different for you. But you should know that you can completely turn this hang-up around--you're not a lost cause.
8
"I don't feel like a whore; it's not like I'm blowing a line of guys"
Hey, ain't nothing wrong with blowing a line of guys if that's your thing.
Hey, ain't nothing wrong with blowing a line of guys if that's your thing.
9
Tell your partner what you just told us. Then decide you won't take a cock in your throat for the next several months.
Then, start slow, with licks and kisses around the outside. Legs, stomach, sack, shaft, all are good. Play with suction and different levels of rough licking. Go back to fucking. Do the same in 69. Move a little farther along the axis to full-on blowjob over the course of weeks. Ask for feedback. Demand it.
If, at any point you get uncomfortable, back off.
Viola! You're a cocksucker!
Then, start slow, with licks and kisses around the outside. Legs, stomach, sack, shaft, all are good. Play with suction and different levels of rough licking. Go back to fucking. Do the same in 69. Move a little farther along the axis to full-on blowjob over the course of weeks. Ask for feedback. Demand it.
If, at any point you get uncomfortable, back off.
Viola! You're a cocksucker!
10
Have you spoken w/ your BF about this? Some communication might be helpful. Maybe you begin with putting it in your mouth and just take it from there? Getting to the point of enjoying giving head isn't a race. Hopefully your BF will be patient and you both can grow into it together.
11
Start slow. Try just licking at first. Once that is comfortable take the tip in your mouth for a very short amount of time. Never take more for longer than you are comfortable with. For now it's just a bit of foreplay before you satisfy him the same way you have been. Work slowly towards taking more in your mouth, and having it there for longer. Take breaks if you need. Make sure he knows that he can't push you in further than you are willing to go, and he should not come until you tell him you are ok with it. Make sure he understands your hangups and insecurities, and that he should see it as a process. If he is not willing to DTMFA.
I have a feeling that you think you need to deep throat him until he comes the first time and that you are psyching this up to the point where you are terrified to even try.
Good luck!
I have a feeling that you think you need to deep throat him until he comes the first time and that you are psyching this up to the point where you are terrified to even try.
Good luck!
12
I think a) you should tell your boyfriend that you're a bit squeamish about blowjobs, but that you want to do it. That should (hopefully!) prevent him from doing things like thrusting or grabbing your hair or cumming in your mouth without asking. (Personally, I find having my hair grabbed or head pushed down degrading, so I let guys know that's off the table if they try it.)
As for the actual act, try focusing on just the head and the top of the shaft; you don't have to jam the whole thing in there. Keep to your comfort level and stop if you start to freak out. Your boyfriend - again - should be keen to help you out since you're doing it to benefit him. As you get more comfortable, you'll hopefully be able to push your physical and emotional boundaries bit by bit until you're happy and he's happy.
Ultimately, though, if you work at it and it still feels degrading, you have to let him know that it's just not something that you're comfortable doing. Even if it's a deal breaker for him, it won't be for someone else. It's important that you're enjoying your sex, not just letting someone enjoy you.
Oh, and if he's a dick about being patient or working with you, DTMFA.
As for the actual act, try focusing on just the head and the top of the shaft; you don't have to jam the whole thing in there. Keep to your comfort level and stop if you start to freak out. Your boyfriend - again - should be keen to help you out since you're doing it to benefit him. As you get more comfortable, you'll hopefully be able to push your physical and emotional boundaries bit by bit until you're happy and he's happy.
Ultimately, though, if you work at it and it still feels degrading, you have to let him know that it's just not something that you're comfortable doing. Even if it's a deal breaker for him, it won't be for someone else. It's important that you're enjoying your sex, not just letting someone enjoy you.
Oh, and if he's a dick about being patient or working with you, DTMFA.
13
So what? If you feel like "a whore and slut" then accept that you have a little bit of sluttiness in you (along with other things). Embrace it! Being a slut does not make you a horrible person. Society says women cannot have/enjoy/engage in/etc anything to do with sex and your mind has bought into that. Accept and embrace this new-found sluttiness and enjoy digging into his cock. Eventually you will either figure out that it is not such a slutty thing after all; or you can simply do what most people do: Change your definition of slut.
14
Don't force yourself to conform to what other people think you should be, do, live, etc. Be true to yourself sister-friend. HOWEVER, if you feel you must "change" to please others, have Dan set you up with a youth pastor. Said Pastor will be happy to "change" you into the person you think others want you to be.
15
A. Embrace the sluttiness. Channel your inner Sharon Stone (circa 1990). Think of it as roleplay and be the best slut you can be.
B. Don't try to swallow it. For a while treat it like corn on the cob instead of a banana and go at it from the side. It'll feel good for your dude and will keep everything you're not fond of out of your mouth.
C. 69 with you on top (+ A & B).
B. Don't try to swallow it. For a while treat it like corn on the cob instead of a banana and go at it from the side. It'll feel good for your dude and will keep everything you're not fond of out of your mouth.
C. 69 with you on top (+ A & B).
16
I see no mention of safe sex in any of the proceeding comments, and this bothers me. Sex is great. Unprotected sex with someone who is just a boyfriend can be deadly. Factor this into your thinking. Protect yourself.
17
And hey, don't miss 92, 99, and my particular fave, 93, in the original comment thread.
Excellent advice in all.
Excellent advice in all.
18
In addition to the other good suggestions, instead of thinking about it as something being done TO you, maybe think about it from a point of view that gives you the power. You're doing it to him. You're the one driving. You're making him respond the way you want him to. I bet that's how he thinks about going down on you.
19
What's the big deal? Try a little flavored lube. Use your hands on the shaft and just the head with your mouth. Watch the teeth. By the way, I think most men like their women to be a little slutty. A little practice and you'll soon be a pro. Variety is the spice of life to use a cliche'. And people should be willing to please their lovers. It shows them you appreciate them.
20
I'm wondering if there are some control issues here? Afraid of having a cock shoved down your throat, etc.
If so, then take control. Tell him you'll blow him if he agrees to be tied up. Tie his hands behind his back. Grab hold of the base of the shaft; then he can't shove more than a couple inches in. Now you can take your time and do as you please. He cannot shove your head down too far. He can't force you to do anything. You can put as little or as much in your mouth as you want, for as little or as long as you want. You have more control over when he comes.
This way, you'll be a little bit of a dominatrix, not a slut.
If so, then take control. Tell him you'll blow him if he agrees to be tied up. Tie his hands behind his back. Grab hold of the base of the shaft; then he can't shove more than a couple inches in. Now you can take your time and do as you please. He cannot shove your head down too far. He can't force you to do anything. You can put as little or as much in your mouth as you want, for as little or as long as you want. You have more control over when he comes.
This way, you'll be a little bit of a dominatrix, not a slut.
21
Start by spelling it c-o-m-e at least. Can you do that much? Get that right and then work on the rest.
22
I think a big problem is that word, and that idea, of "sluttiness". It's good that some people are trying to reclaim it as a positive term, but this letter is evidence that its negative connotations still have a lot of power. I think you might benefit from confronting that word and its power over you.
The idea that a woman who enjoys sex in its many variations (ie anything other than good-girl vanilla intercourse) is somehow "slutty" (read dirty, cheap, of low value, bad), is the result of a puritanical, misogynistic way of thinking. You don't have to accept it! Write down a few of the negative connotations the word has for you, and then write down a competing list of all the positive connotations you can imagine. Substitute for "slut" maybe "a confident, liberated woman who completely owns and enjoys her sexuality". What kinds of characteristics does that woman have? Write them down. This is the kind of woman who enjoys giving head.
You need to re-signify this act, change its meaning for yourself. After that, the physical fears will be much easier to get around. One thing I might recommend for that is to tie him up. That way you are in control, and the threat of being forced to do something you don't like is taken away. Giving head does not have to be something you submit to. What it can be is a way to satisfy your own completely natural curiosities about men's bodies, their (very sexy) responses to your sexual power and skills (which you will pick up), and that lovely and fascinating creature, the penis. Remember, it is not a weapon being used against you. It is a toy you get to play with however you like. You don't have to fear it.
Also, semen is an acquired taste, but you get really used to the quick-swallow-before-I-taste-it routine the more you do it. Give yourself props the further you go with this. And when you start to like it--when that "slutty" feeling comes on--remember that is just part of the game of sex, that playing that role can feel very naughty and very fun. If you find the bad girl inside you, you'll realize she's a lot tougher than you think.
I don't know if any of this helps, but don't give up -- this is not for your guy (although he'll definitely benefit), this is for you. You have a right to enjoy exploring your sexual powers on your own terms.
More...
The idea that a woman who enjoys sex in its many variations (ie anything other than good-girl vanilla intercourse) is somehow "slutty" (read dirty, cheap, of low value, bad), is the result of a puritanical, misogynistic way of thinking. You don't have to accept it! Write down a few of the negative connotations the word has for you, and then write down a competing list of all the positive connotations you can imagine. Substitute for "slut" maybe "a confident, liberated woman who completely owns and enjoys her sexuality". What kinds of characteristics does that woman have? Write them down. This is the kind of woman who enjoys giving head.
You need to re-signify this act, change its meaning for yourself. After that, the physical fears will be much easier to get around. One thing I might recommend for that is to tie him up. That way you are in control, and the threat of being forced to do something you don't like is taken away. Giving head does not have to be something you submit to. What it can be is a way to satisfy your own completely natural curiosities about men's bodies, their (very sexy) responses to your sexual power and skills (which you will pick up), and that lovely and fascinating creature, the penis. Remember, it is not a weapon being used against you. It is a toy you get to play with however you like. You don't have to fear it.
Also, semen is an acquired taste, but you get really used to the quick-swallow-before-I-taste-it routine the more you do it. Give yourself props the further you go with this. And when you start to like it--when that "slutty" feeling comes on--remember that is just part of the game of sex, that playing that role can feel very naughty and very fun. If you find the bad girl inside you, you'll realize she's a lot tougher than you think.
I don't know if any of this helps, but don't give up -- this is not for your guy (although he'll definitely benefit), this is for you. You have a right to enjoy exploring your sexual powers on your own terms.
25
Tie him down on his back first, so you'll be in control. And don't worry about him coming in your mouth suddenly; you'll see it coming when his body starts tensing really hard. As to feeling slutty, I guess it's better than feeling selfish.
27
Sweetheart, there ain't nothing wrong being a "slut" and a "whore" for your boyfriend. These are just dirty words for acts of kindness and love.
If you can't embrace the term "slut", then think of yourself as a "mynx" or "vixen". Then think of the incredible power that gives you - the power to send the man you love into complete and utter bliss.
That's better than a lot of super powers. Seriously, Aqua Man's got nothing on you.
If you can't embrace the term "slut", then think of yourself as a "mynx" or "vixen". Then think of the incredible power that gives you - the power to send the man you love into complete and utter bliss.
That's better than a lot of super powers. Seriously, Aqua Man's got nothing on you.
28
Simple. Cuff his hands above his head (he can't shove your head down), hold his hips still (he can't thrust up as much), and practice.
30
@6 Imagine it's a "big old piece of your favorite candy"?? Let him play with your "kooter"??
@15 "Treat it like corn on the cob"??
Who *are* these random straight chicks coming out of the woodwork? Man, I feel bad for all the straight guys out there. You guys should just get NSA blowjobs from gay guys off of craigslist. These guys don't usually require instructions. Plus, they don't often use the word "kooter."
@15 "Treat it like corn on the cob"??
Who *are* these random straight chicks coming out of the woodwork? Man, I feel bad for all the straight guys out there. You guys should just get NSA blowjobs from gay guys off of craigslist. These guys don't usually require instructions. Plus, they don't often use the word "kooter."
31
If one thinks "giving head" as dirty or sluttish well not much can be said except that your perception must change in order for you to be comfortable undertaking it. That said, I like what Woody Allen once said about sex (in general): "Of course sex is dirty. If it is done right"
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy yourself.
33
@22 - great post.
I would add that like any technical skill, practice makes perfect. You will not be able to just rationalize your way out of this hang-up. You have to also retrain your brain to make positive association with having something in your mouth.
Go get a blow pop and practice working it over (in front of your boyfriend or not). While you are doing that, think about your hottest, most taboo fantasies. If you can pull it off, use your free hand to masturbate until you cum.
I would add that like any technical skill, practice makes perfect. You will not be able to just rationalize your way out of this hang-up. You have to also retrain your brain to make positive association with having something in your mouth.
Go get a blow pop and practice working it over (in front of your boyfriend or not). While you are doing that, think about your hottest, most taboo fantasies. If you can pull it off, use your free hand to masturbate until you cum.
34
I second the delightful Kim's suggestion to go check out yesterday's beejay post, too. Good stuff.
And if you're like I used to be you may also need to get the intimacy you crave into your blowjob experience. It's not hard to do, but you'll need him to take some action too.
Long personal illustration? Okay, sure. When I was a kid I had so many hormones I didn't care who I gave head to, so I was able to find that for some reason eating pussy felt a lot more intimate than sucking dick. Women gave me increasing signals of closeness and connectedness as they neared orgasm, which practically got me off hands-free. As a man got closer to coming, though, he usually either got quiet and still, so hypervigilant for his nut that I was left to my own devices, or else began to blurt out preposterously generic dirty talk. When that happened, I'd detach and start getting stuck alone in my own head - where it sounds you are when you start with the self-judgment routine. I know how it feels to be so disconnected during sex that the opinionmaking part of your mind kicks in.
But it turned out it wasn't inherent to gender after all. As my sexual preference grew specific I soon lucked across men who -- just like a lady, in my view at the time -- during head gave increasingly intimate and specific nonverbal and verbal signals of feeling ever closer to me. At last I was able to get swept away by intimacy sucking dick. As a delightful side note, I got really really really good at giving head to partners like that.
You can get that secure feeling, too, but you'll need to get your man to pitch in to help you find what those signals--of intimacy, not just nut-nearing--are for you, and give him a little time to adjust to the new goal of mutual joy. If he loves you - and I bet he does - it will be a delightful learning curve for you both.
Once you've together established that a beejay sesh equals superhot closeness, you may find--as I did--that you're no longer reliant on cues to keep you feeling trusting and intimate enough. You can have fun focusing on helping him unload. Expect playful elements to start popping up more and more, where things that seem slutty-negative now will start seeming slutty-happy.
More...
And if you're like I used to be you may also need to get the intimacy you crave into your blowjob experience. It's not hard to do, but you'll need him to take some action too.
Long personal illustration? Okay, sure. When I was a kid I had so many hormones I didn't care who I gave head to, so I was able to find that for some reason eating pussy felt a lot more intimate than sucking dick. Women gave me increasing signals of closeness and connectedness as they neared orgasm, which practically got me off hands-free. As a man got closer to coming, though, he usually either got quiet and still, so hypervigilant for his nut that I was left to my own devices, or else began to blurt out preposterously generic dirty talk. When that happened, I'd detach and start getting stuck alone in my own head - where it sounds you are when you start with the self-judgment routine. I know how it feels to be so disconnected during sex that the opinionmaking part of your mind kicks in.
But it turned out it wasn't inherent to gender after all. As my sexual preference grew specific I soon lucked across men who -- just like a lady, in my view at the time -- during head gave increasingly intimate and specific nonverbal and verbal signals of feeling ever closer to me. At last I was able to get swept away by intimacy sucking dick. As a delightful side note, I got really really really good at giving head to partners like that.
You can get that secure feeling, too, but you'll need to get your man to pitch in to help you find what those signals--of intimacy, not just nut-nearing--are for you, and give him a little time to adjust to the new goal of mutual joy. If he loves you - and I bet he does - it will be a delightful learning curve for you both.
Once you've together established that a beejay sesh equals superhot closeness, you may find--as I did--that you're no longer reliant on cues to keep you feeling trusting and intimate enough. You can have fun focusing on helping him unload. Expect playful elements to start popping up more and more, where things that seem slutty-negative now will start seeming slutty-happy.
36
What's wrong with feeling a little slutty in the sack with your partner? Give yourself the liberty to redefine that label.
Blow him while he's on his back and you in a dominant position on top. That may alleviate the claustrophobic, out of control feeling.
Blow him while he's on his back and you in a dominant position on top. That may alleviate the claustrophobic, out of control feeling.
37
I dunno about the slutty thing. But as far as not liking the feeling, you can probably help that somewhat by putting something that tastes good on there. Frosting, syrup, etc. Also you can do it in the shower where everything feels cleaner and less icky.
I'm also a girl who doesn't like giving head. The above stuff has made me willing to do it for a few minutes, but it still tires out my jaw and is just not fun. I don't really know what to say about that, because in theory I'd like to enjoy doing it, but its unpleasant in a lot of ways.
I'm also a girl who doesn't like giving head. The above stuff has made me willing to do it for a few minutes, but it still tires out my jaw and is just not fun. I don't really know what to say about that, because in theory I'd like to enjoy doing it, but its unpleasant in a lot of ways.
38
Practice, practice, practice Is all you need to get good at giving head. As for the slut issues....a sex therapist that doesn't think sex is dirty and shameful might be able to help you with that.
39
By everyone, surely you only mean bloggers and twitterers texters, w7ngman. I'm talking about writers.
42
@37, spelling it "cum" is nasty and wrong.
For the young lady, I would suggest lightening up. You don't have to become Linda Lovelace overnight. Have fun. Fool around. You don't have to spend every second at the maximum intensity of sex power; you can just fool with it a little. Make sure he understands you're taking some time to become comfortable. Neither you nor he are making a porno; you're just living your lives; and there's no rush to get anywhere in particular. Eventually, you'll learn to be more relaxed, and it'll come. Ahem.
For the young lady, I would suggest lightening up. You don't have to become Linda Lovelace overnight. Have fun. Fool around. You don't have to spend every second at the maximum intensity of sex power; you can just fool with it a little. Make sure he understands you're taking some time to become comfortable. Neither you nor he are making a porno; you're just living your lives; and there's no rush to get anywhere in particular. Eventually, you'll learn to be more relaxed, and it'll come. Ahem.
43
"suck cock till you forget who you are." treat it like a spiritual practice. Seriously.
all these people are giving you the wrong advice. what you should do is let your guy tie you up and pound your face. the things you are afraid of aren't really that terrifying, if you give yourself the chance to experience them. give yourself permission to throw up, eat a little ice cream first, and then go at it. once you have actually had all the 'bad' stuff occur, you can be a lot less disinhibited.
all this tedious concern about making sure nothing bad happens is bullshit. let all the bad stuff you are afraid of happen, then you'll see it's not really all that bad at all. then you can approach giving head without so much fear.
all these people are giving you the wrong advice. what you should do is let your guy tie you up and pound your face. the things you are afraid of aren't really that terrifying, if you give yourself the chance to experience them. give yourself permission to throw up, eat a little ice cream first, and then go at it. once you have actually had all the 'bad' stuff occur, you can be a lot less disinhibited.
all this tedious concern about making sure nothing bad happens is bullshit. let all the bad stuff you are afraid of happen, then you'll see it's not really all that bad at all. then you can approach giving head without so much fear.
45
@43: No. Sure, having a guy shove his dick down your throat until you puke may not be deadly, but it's not conducive to wanting to give head again. Plus, some girls just really don't like having their faces fucked and would rather have more control.
46
@ 21, you and Dan may do your damnest to try to make people spell cum as "come," but that is just fucking stupid. Accept it. It's cum. Not "come."
47
Since others have already addressed the issues of sluttiness as a negative versus positive term, and really its utter uselessness as explicitly one or the other, let me address the physical part of it.
Get a guy who won't push your head down and let you do your own thing. Also make sure he won't climax without telling you. Don't use flavored lubes, they're nasty. Learn to enjoy the flavor of the guy you're going down on. You don't need to deep throat or even get half of it in. As a guy, if a girl just wraps her lips around the head and swirls her tongue adeptly on the glans it feels spectacular, especially if that is coupled with stroking the shaft. Lick the underside of the shaft and the balls. If that's all you were ever able to do, that'd be fine. In the event that you start taking more of the shaft in, remember that deep throating is more of a party trick and less of a reliable source of physical stimulation; therefore not necessary. Most of the stimulation arises from the top half of the shaft, not the bottom. A good blowjob is about a combination of mouth, lips, tongue, hands, enthusiasm and situation (always so much better away from the bedroom), not how big of a shaft you can swallow. Don't feel like you need to get to a point where a guy can mouth fuck you, pull your hair, hold your head down on the shaft until you gag. That stuff can be fun, but it hardly the best part about receiving oral sex.
Get a guy who won't push your head down and let you do your own thing. Also make sure he won't climax without telling you. Don't use flavored lubes, they're nasty. Learn to enjoy the flavor of the guy you're going down on. You don't need to deep throat or even get half of it in. As a guy, if a girl just wraps her lips around the head and swirls her tongue adeptly on the glans it feels spectacular, especially if that is coupled with stroking the shaft. Lick the underside of the shaft and the balls. If that's all you were ever able to do, that'd be fine. In the event that you start taking more of the shaft in, remember that deep throating is more of a party trick and less of a reliable source of physical stimulation; therefore not necessary. Most of the stimulation arises from the top half of the shaft, not the bottom. A good blowjob is about a combination of mouth, lips, tongue, hands, enthusiasm and situation (always so much better away from the bedroom), not how big of a shaft you can swallow. Don't feel like you need to get to a point where a guy can mouth fuck you, pull your hair, hold your head down on the shaft until you gag. That stuff can be fun, but it hardly the best part about receiving oral sex.
48
Okay spelling queens push my bottons too. The word cum is acceptable because huge numbers of people spell it that way. No other justification is required. At this point in the 21st century language is a democratic process and there is no turning back.
If you prefer to write it as come it is your perogative as much as spelling it as cum is ours. It is a permanent draw.
If you prefer to write it as come it is your perogative as much as spelling it as cum is ours. It is a permanent draw.
49
Try techniques that avoid the ramrodding down the throat and choking. Lots of slobber up and down the shaft of the cock with an occasional sucking around the head. Lick the balls, lick behind the balls. Like the ass. Lots of slobber. And when he comes you don't have to swallow or even take it in. Just rub it all over your face because you're a dirty whore for the right guy.
Once you have technique that avoids the physiological "claustrophic-like feeling having something that big in my mouth" then all you need to get over is the psychological feeling of disgust. It helps if you suck cock when your guy is all fresh & clean (unless you like the stank, which it sounds like you don't). That makes licking the erogeouns zone between the balls and the anus less "taint-y."
And once it's just a matter of mitigating the psychological ill-feeling, then you do what most women do: use sucking cock as a way to either get him to do what you like in return even if he doesn't like it (peeing on him, or fucking him in the ass with a rubber strap-on, whatevs). Or, if you are so inclined, get him to do other things that men will do if a woman sucks their cock, balls, taint: a nice meal, doing the laundry, a Mercedes 2010 E-class sedan with plush interior.
And if refuses any of this then fuck him. (But don't suck him.)
Hopes this helps,
for more advice please feel free to email me at superlicious (you know what) a very well known email service that begins with a "g".
Take that Dan Savage!
Once you have technique that avoids the physiological "claustrophic-like feeling having something that big in my mouth" then all you need to get over is the psychological feeling of disgust. It helps if you suck cock when your guy is all fresh & clean (unless you like the stank, which it sounds like you don't). That makes licking the erogeouns zone between the balls and the anus less "taint-y."
And once it's just a matter of mitigating the psychological ill-feeling, then you do what most women do: use sucking cock as a way to either get him to do what you like in return even if he doesn't like it (peeing on him, or fucking him in the ass with a rubber strap-on, whatevs). Or, if you are so inclined, get him to do other things that men will do if a woman sucks their cock, balls, taint: a nice meal, doing the laundry, a Mercedes 2010 E-class sedan with plush interior.
And if refuses any of this then fuck him. (But don't suck him.)
Hopes this helps,
for more advice please feel free to email me at superlicious (you know what) a very well known email service that begins with a "g".
Take that Dan Savage!
50
Your own personal sexual inhibitions are a gold mine of future pleasure. If this girl finds the right guy to work with, and works into it with the intention of becoming proficient at the skills, I'm pretty sure that at some point in the future some of the stuff she is afraid of is going to become exactly the stuff she digs most. The key to changing your own desires is a reward system. Every time you give head, you get head; or something else you desire, sexually. Rewards based on jewelry, drugs or cash may have the same pavlovian response, but you don't want to go there.
51
Do you *really* want to like it? Because an overwhelming amount of the time when I say "I want to like this but don't", what I really mean is "I want to please [this person, this gender, society] who wants me to like this."
If I want to like something because I think *I* benefit from liking it, I don't have to work as hard. You have to decide that if you want to like it, that must mean you do like it, and you've just been repressed/confused this whole time you thought you didn't like it.
In short, just change your mind. You'd be surprised what you can convince your mind to like with enough mental self-reinforcement. That tool itself will be more surprising than how much you never knew you could enjoy giving a blowjob.
If I want to like something because I think *I* benefit from liking it, I don't have to work as hard. You have to decide that if you want to like it, that must mean you do like it, and you've just been repressed/confused this whole time you thought you didn't like it.
In short, just change your mind. You'd be surprised what you can convince your mind to like with enough mental self-reinforcement. That tool itself will be more surprising than how much you never knew you could enjoy giving a blowjob.
52
try to use fetishism. when you're doing it think "oo yeah suffocate me with that big dick! i'm a dirty whore who sucks it for cash! RAH!!" Like, maybe even roll play. Get a trampy metallic mini skirt and have your boyfriend pick you up at night, off a street corner. if you kind of fictionalize the situation maybe it'll be easier to face your fears, and overcome them.
53
Sometimes I feel like you do. Here's what I do:
I tell my boyfriend to make noises when he likes what I'm doing then suddenly, I forget about the fact that I'm down on my knees with a cock in my mouth and I realize I'm making the person I love feel REALLY good and I want to do more and more to make him moan and go crazy. If he's just laying there silently, I get bored and want it to be over with and then I kind of feel like a whore. When he's letting me know that he likes what I'm doing, I feel in control and I want to make it last.
And telling your boyfriend not to touch your head while you're giving head is perfectly acceptable. I know what my gag limits are and I'll push it as far as I feel comfortable. And if you don't want his cum in your mouth, that should be no problem either. There will be enough warning to finish him off with your hand (if he's laying down it'll get on him, not you so much).
Also, there's something about a fresh-out-of-the-shower, ultra clean cock that makes me feel more comfortable and less dirty in every sense of the word. End of the workday cock is not as appealing.
I tell my boyfriend to make noises when he likes what I'm doing then suddenly, I forget about the fact that I'm down on my knees with a cock in my mouth and I realize I'm making the person I love feel REALLY good and I want to do more and more to make him moan and go crazy. If he's just laying there silently, I get bored and want it to be over with and then I kind of feel like a whore. When he's letting me know that he likes what I'm doing, I feel in control and I want to make it last.
And telling your boyfriend not to touch your head while you're giving head is perfectly acceptable. I know what my gag limits are and I'll push it as far as I feel comfortable. And if you don't want his cum in your mouth, that should be no problem either. There will be enough warning to finish him off with your hand (if he's laying down it'll get on him, not you so much).
Also, there's something about a fresh-out-of-the-shower, ultra clean cock that makes me feel more comfortable and less dirty in every sense of the word. End of the workday cock is not as appealing.
54
Lots of good advice here, and that is what you really need: a menu. I think of a problem as a forest, and everyone who has had the same problem and are offering you advice are fellow travelers pointing out their path through the forest. But you will have to take your own path. It might be made up of parts of others' paths, or might be exactly the same, or you could find a completely original way. But it will be your way. If you really want to change, then you will have to find your way through it, one step at a time. Don't give up, and don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. Good luck.
55
Swallowing it is easier than spitting it out. He just shoots to the back of your throat and it slides down. Spitting it out means you have to taste it more. Really, it's not that gross. It's sterile. It will taste better if your guy drinks a lot of water. Boys, drink a lot of water, it's good for you!
56
@46, @48, you are wrong. Spelling it "cum" is WORSE THAN HITLER. I am absolutely positive this is true. Unless you also think it's cool to spell it "noize" and "crazee".
57
I'm surprised no one has suggested educational videos like this one: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:176453…
58
@ 30 My boyfriend was actually the one who called my sweet smelling mound a "kooter". I never could have dreamed that one up.
I tend to call it my "ever-flowing love pool of desire", but that is just my personal choice. "Love Nest" is a close second.
So, my friend, what do you prefer to call that puckered asshole of yours?
I tend to call it my "ever-flowing love pool of desire", but that is just my personal choice. "Love Nest" is a close second.
So, my friend, what do you prefer to call that puckered asshole of yours?
60
I'm a 30yr old bi guy who's never needed a "tutorial" on giving head to girls or guys. I love it and do it well.
So I must say that seeing all this commentary really makes me feel like a genuine fag/freak-lol!!!
So I must say that seeing all this commentary really makes me feel like a genuine fag/freak-lol!!!
61
Are there things on his body that you can put into your mouth without feeling slutty? Start there. Maybe start by licking his balls while he strokes it and then work your way up when you feel ready to do so. Maybe use chocolate sauce on the 'ol cock so that it feels silly and playful and not so dirty at first. I think that when a male partner makes appreciative sounds, that does help, too, since it can help to get the giver more in the mood. I've also never been one for having my head pushed down, but a simple, pleasant "Not like that, let me move my head" should do the trick and make it feel like you have a little more control over the situation. And then you could always give head without the expectation that you'll have to bring him to orgasm. If that feels stressful, suck his dick to a point and then help him to finish in other ways. In time, it may feel more comfortable to suck him 'til he cums, but at the beginning, you can just suck for sucking's sake and then help him to finish in a way that feels hot for him. Each person is different, but I'm sure you can both arrive at something agreeable.
It's possible that it will never be something you'll love, but I think it can be something you'll grow to accept and be ok with. That seems a-ok. There are a lot of things that one does in a day that fall under that category and I see no reason why sex acts would be precluded from this.
But I wonder. Do you think you will see yourself as a slut when giving head or do you worry that your man will think less of you? I think that sometimes one is confused for the other.
It's possible that it will never be something you'll love, but I think it can be something you'll grow to accept and be ok with. That seems a-ok. There are a lot of things that one does in a day that fall under that category and I see no reason why sex acts would be precluded from this.
But I wonder. Do you think you will see yourself as a slut when giving head or do you worry that your man will think less of you? I think that sometimes one is confused for the other.
62
Find a sex-positive therapist that uses cognitive behavioral therapy to help evolve those inner feelings you have into more empowering beliefs about giving head.
63
I definitely prefer "come" to "cum" by a long shot.
I'd like to know - How much actual "sucking" is generally preferred when "sucking cock"? Certainly very little "blowing" is expected in a "blow job" ...
I'd like to know - How much actual "sucking" is generally preferred when "sucking cock"? Certainly very little "blowing" is expected in a "blow job" ...
64
In addition to "cum," putting a period outisde the quotation marks is worse than HITLER.
Its the kind of thing only a bunch of HITLER'S would do!
Its the kind of thing only a bunch of HITLER'S would do!
65
It doesn't have to be slutty. My wife does it frequently and I don't think either of us think she is being slutty, unless we want it to be. A suggestion: as a man I love getting head, and am willing to put up with a lot to get it. If you are worried about your head getting pushed down to far tell your man that you are working on really liking it and that for now he needs to not put his hand on your head. If he loves getting head, I imagine this will not be a problem for him. Also as far as swallowing or getting cum in your mouth. You don't have to suck him off to completion. He can finish inside you or on your chest or something depending on how you feel about all that. Now, I do love cumming in my wifes mouth, but a lot of the time she isn't up for that and that is ok.
66
One thing that I really enjoy that I didn't see anyone mention is rubbing his warm cock on my face. It's awesome...he's getting aroused because he knows what's coming, and I'm enjoying the highly-stimulating sensation of my face being caressed by his cock. For me, it's very intimate and erotic and feels good. Once it's that close, I automatically want to kiss it, which leads to licking then sucking...natural, no pressure. I had one partner who had never had a woman do that, and by the time we parted, he had decided that needed to be part of all future BJs.
Also, I have a sensitive gag reflex, but I have had nothing but rave reviews from my partners, even though I can't go very deep. It's about enthusiasm and responsiveness. The advice to use your hands and stay shallow are probably the best pieces of advice to start with.
Practice makes perfect--"mistakes" are just part of the learning curve, and you can always go back later and start from scratch.
Also, I have a sensitive gag reflex, but I have had nothing but rave reviews from my partners, even though I can't go very deep. It's about enthusiasm and responsiveness. The advice to use your hands and stay shallow are probably the best pieces of advice to start with.
Practice makes perfect--"mistakes" are just part of the learning curve, and you can always go back later and start from scratch.
67
Also, my current partner and an ex both couldn't cum/come from oral. They loved it, enjoyed the BJs and requested them often, but never finished in my mouth. So not all BJs come with a risk of an unexpected load.
68
I don't understand. What does it mean to "feel like a whore and slut"? Is it boredom? Tiredness?
Or is it metaphorical, and it means some kind of weird shame? Why would anyone feel ashamed of making love? Is the author a teenager?
If you can lick a guy's ass, you can lick his cock. And if you're not licking each other's asses, you're not living life to the full.
Of course, if a man ever grabs your head and forces his cock down your throat without your permission, you should punch him in the balls and call the police.
Or is it metaphorical, and it means some kind of weird shame? Why would anyone feel ashamed of making love? Is the author a teenager?
If you can lick a guy's ass, you can lick his cock. And if you're not licking each other's asses, you're not living life to the full.
Of course, if a man ever grabs your head and forces his cock down your throat without your permission, you should punch him in the balls and call the police.
69
@64, the period belongs outside the quotation marks, since it is not a part of the quotation. Only Satan or one of his minions would disagree (Brit style trumps US style in this case, and no other).
70
Leave it to sad, lonely, little Fnarf to focus on grammar in a great post about sucking dick. There's a semi-colon joke lobbed to the crowd just waiting for a a home run swing.
71
#66/67 is dead on. The rubbing thing is hot. I'm in the same boat that I rarely cum from just oral, but sometimes when I force my girlfriend on her knees and grab a handful of hair (she's into being dominated during oral, but again, it's not necessary for giving good head) I cum in 30 seconds.
72
I agree with some others that have posted. There's two components. One is mental, one is physical. So for the mental part of feeling slutty, why run away from that? What I mean is why not try role playing. Don't right it, role play being the biggest sluttiest chick but HIS slut. Will probably drive him nuts. Just gotta get over it, think of it as an acting job. Next for the physical. I saw a trick in a sex book as a kid once and it works. Put your hand around the shaft so you can only go down on it as far as you are comfortable. Use your hand to keep it going down too deep. After that, practice, keep taking more down as you can over time. Sure guys love deepthroaters with no gag reflex but as long as you get the tip in and a little extra he should be happy enough. Good luck..
73
This is all good advice, but also, if you're worried about blow jobs seeming like a one-way transferrance of sexual power, ask him to touch you while you're sucking him off. Or touch yourself, or use a vibrator. If you can orgasm at the same time as getting him off, it will be something that's sexually satisfying for both of you, rather than a chore you feel you have to perform or a prelude to 'real' sex.
74
I've had feelings of sluttiness about certain sexual activities before, but found that deconstructing those feelings broke them down. Remind yourself that "slut" is an attitude, not an action, and your sexuality is only defined by you and no one else. Once you can do that, just give it a try! Suck a little on the top and lick a little on the sides and stop when you don't want to any more. Work your way up. It's that easy.
77
I wonder if she was subjected to a lot of abstinence only sex education? I think we're going to see more of this kind of shame and fear about sex as more people who were children during the Bush administration come of age.
I also wonder if she's an abuse survivor, due to her comments about feeling suffocated. She might need therapy, although giving head to both men and women can be physically uncomfortable (neck pain, gag reflex etc.). In my experience, it's less physically taxing to give head to women, but that may be due to my skills.
That said, I agree w/ other posters who've suggested exploring this issue w/ a supportive boyfriend, and slowly building up to an actual blowjob.
I also wonder if she's an abuse survivor, due to her comments about feeling suffocated. She might need therapy, although giving head to both men and women can be physically uncomfortable (neck pain, gag reflex etc.). In my experience, it's less physically taxing to give head to women, but that may be due to my skills.
That said, I agree w/ other posters who've suggested exploring this issue w/ a supportive boyfriend, and slowly building up to an actual blowjob.
78
Maybe you feel this way because you're focusing on the dick instead of the person you're going down on... kinda making the act anonymous, which may be where the bad "whorish" feelings come from, and detaching yourself from the positive emotions and physical enjoyment that you should be allowing yourself. I see a lot on this thread about embracing that slutty feeling, but you don't seem interested in that, which is totally cool and perfectly normal; you have other options.
Try thinking about the man in front of you and how he makes you feel instead of the act you're performing on him. If it's a long-term relationship, think about how much you care for him and let that deep passion drive you. If it's a new partner, think about how exciting you find him... the newness, the potential. While you're thinking about this man, start to touch his cock the way you'd touch his face. Press it against your cheek the way you'd lay your head on his chest. Kiss up and down it like you'd kiss his back. Get comfortable and familiar with this part of him and never forget that it's only a *part*, a part of HIM, the man you are making love with.
As far as feeling "forced" goes: this is YOUR time to be in control. This is your chance to express how much pleasure he gives to you, sexually, emotionally, whatever you feel, in one of the most private and expressive ways one person can demonstrate feeling to another. Stimulating yourself or having him stimulate you is good, but distracting; and it may add to that detached "slut" feeling, especially in the beginning stages of overcoming your anxiety. If you want to learn to love sucking cock without feeling like a whore (in a bad way), turn it into an act driven by affection first. Your animal instincts will kick in automatically once you learn to relax into the moment.
Of course, this is all assuming this is a mental thing caused by some past trauma or strict upbringing rather than a more complex phobia (since if it was really that paralyzing, I'd imagine you'd be talking to a real shrink insteada the homps on SLOG).
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Try thinking about the man in front of you and how he makes you feel instead of the act you're performing on him. If it's a long-term relationship, think about how much you care for him and let that deep passion drive you. If it's a new partner, think about how exciting you find him... the newness, the potential. While you're thinking about this man, start to touch his cock the way you'd touch his face. Press it against your cheek the way you'd lay your head on his chest. Kiss up and down it like you'd kiss his back. Get comfortable and familiar with this part of him and never forget that it's only a *part*, a part of HIM, the man you are making love with.
As far as feeling "forced" goes: this is YOUR time to be in control. This is your chance to express how much pleasure he gives to you, sexually, emotionally, whatever you feel, in one of the most private and expressive ways one person can demonstrate feeling to another. Stimulating yourself or having him stimulate you is good, but distracting; and it may add to that detached "slut" feeling, especially in the beginning stages of overcoming your anxiety. If you want to learn to love sucking cock without feeling like a whore (in a bad way), turn it into an act driven by affection first. Your animal instincts will kick in automatically once you learn to relax into the moment.
Of course, this is all assuming this is a mental thing caused by some past trauma or strict upbringing rather than a more complex phobia (since if it was really that paralyzing, I'd imagine you'd be talking to a real shrink insteada the homps on SLOG).
79
I think you could start to like it more if you only do it a little at a time to start with and you only do it when you're turned on. Don't do it for too long so that it kills your mood - even a couple of licks is a good start, and you can increase the length of time as you feel more comfortable. That way you'll start to associate blowjobs with being turned on and eventually maybe they will turn you on by themselves.
80
my best advice, wouldn't be surprised if i'm just repeating after 79 comments but fucked if i'm gonna read 'em all.
first, the whore thing: i personally enjoy feeling whorish and being treated like a slut... but for some reason i never do when i'm giving head because the focus has always been how much pleasure it gives the other person -- and how much power i have in my hands and mouth right then and there. i would suggest positioning yourself so you can watch your partner's face... see his expressions and listen to his moans (encourage him to moan if he doesn't already). if you try and tune into his responses it may make it easier for you to focus on his pleasure rather than your unpleasurable neurosis...
as for technical issues -- anything you're afraid of him doing (shoving your head down, coming in your mouth) -- tell him that's way off limits if he wants head. he needs to keep his hands to himself and let you know if he thinks he's close. if there's anything else you want him to do to make it nicer for you (trim his pubes, wash thoroughly beforehand), don't be shy.
as for being bad at it, and having a claustrophobic feeling having something that big entirely in your mouth -- there is a LOT you can do, giving head, that doesn't involve the cock actually entering your mouth at all. you'd be surprised how much pleasure you can give and what a reaction you can get with just the tip of your tongue, tracing small, random patterns over the head of his cock. pay a lot of attention to where the head meets the shaft, particularly on the underside. experiment with different touches. ask him if he likes what you're doing, what he likes best, engage him in letting you know what HE likes. if you pay attention to that, you won't be bad at it.
when you're ready to have it in your mouth, you don't have to have the entire cock in your mouth to make it feel good for him. you can take in just the tip, lightly suck on it, swirl your tongue around... if he wants action further down the shaft, you can place a well-lubed hand in a firm (not tight) fist and pump his cock. synchronize this with moving the head in and out of your mouth and voila -- your hand keeps the cock from making you feel choked, and he still gets the feeling of having the whole unit worked.
i'm not a syndicated advice columnist, and probably haven't sucked as much cock (or as well) as mr. savage, but you can feel free to email me if you have any more questions you need a woman's perspective on: cbballs@gmail.com
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first, the whore thing: i personally enjoy feeling whorish and being treated like a slut... but for some reason i never do when i'm giving head because the focus has always been how much pleasure it gives the other person -- and how much power i have in my hands and mouth right then and there. i would suggest positioning yourself so you can watch your partner's face... see his expressions and listen to his moans (encourage him to moan if he doesn't already). if you try and tune into his responses it may make it easier for you to focus on his pleasure rather than your unpleasurable neurosis...
as for technical issues -- anything you're afraid of him doing (shoving your head down, coming in your mouth) -- tell him that's way off limits if he wants head. he needs to keep his hands to himself and let you know if he thinks he's close. if there's anything else you want him to do to make it nicer for you (trim his pubes, wash thoroughly beforehand), don't be shy.
as for being bad at it, and having a claustrophobic feeling having something that big entirely in your mouth -- there is a LOT you can do, giving head, that doesn't involve the cock actually entering your mouth at all. you'd be surprised how much pleasure you can give and what a reaction you can get with just the tip of your tongue, tracing small, random patterns over the head of his cock. pay a lot of attention to where the head meets the shaft, particularly on the underside. experiment with different touches. ask him if he likes what you're doing, what he likes best, engage him in letting you know what HE likes. if you pay attention to that, you won't be bad at it.
when you're ready to have it in your mouth, you don't have to have the entire cock in your mouth to make it feel good for him. you can take in just the tip, lightly suck on it, swirl your tongue around... if he wants action further down the shaft, you can place a well-lubed hand in a firm (not tight) fist and pump his cock. synchronize this with moving the head in and out of your mouth and voila -- your hand keeps the cock from making you feel choked, and he still gets the feeling of having the whole unit worked.
i'm not a syndicated advice columnist, and probably haven't sucked as much cock (or as well) as mr. savage, but you can feel free to email me if you have any more questions you need a woman's perspective on: cbballs@gmail.com
81
what more?
i am gay as gay and have always liked fucking more than sucking ... it is OK to have your own game ... feels good to get sucked and to suck, but, just a prelude for me
69 will solve her problem if they both get good at it
and if she never likes it, well, so what if you learn how to throw a power/to the moon fuck for your guy
i am gay as gay and have always liked fucking more than sucking ... it is OK to have your own game ... feels good to get sucked and to suck, but, just a prelude for me
69 will solve her problem if they both get good at it
and if she never likes it, well, so what if you learn how to throw a power/to the moon fuck for your guy
82
I guess if you are just beginning to discover all the possibilities involved in giving head you might tend to overlook that it really is about your pleasure as well. Do you play with yourself as you are giving head? Does he play with you? Along with all the suggestions in this tread of how to ease into giving head, I really like the idea of 69. As the head giver, you really are more in charge; more in control.
83
"cum" is low-rent, "come" is classy.
lots of good advice: I second being in control, using your hands to take some of the work off you mouth, getting off while doing it. most importantly, you've got to switch the perception of slut = shameful and bad to slut = powerful and sexy. keep telling yourself this until you believe it. and talk to your boyfriend A LOT. he's got to a partner in this or it won't work.
ok, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? dan, I know it's not your favorite subject, but you must get letters from guys that don't like going down on girls...
lots of good advice: I second being in control, using your hands to take some of the work off you mouth, getting off while doing it. most importantly, you've got to switch the perception of slut = shameful and bad to slut = powerful and sexy. keep telling yourself this until you believe it. and talk to your boyfriend A LOT. he's got to a partner in this or it won't work.
ok, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? dan, I know it's not your favorite subject, but you must get letters from guys that don't like going down on girls...
85
@69 - Fnarf, you are so 19th century with your grammar rules. Punctuation ALWAYS goes inside the quotation mark, regardless of whether or not the whole sentence is contained within quotation marks.
86
@ 84,
Nope. Abstinence education ruins that too. Boys are brain-washed into thinking poon is nasty. Especially poon that's had a penis in it. They're more or less told their dick/tongues will fall off if they go near it. This might explain why 'saddlebacking' is so popular amongst the Jeebus teens.
Nope. Abstinence education ruins that too. Boys are brain-washed into thinking poon is nasty. Especially poon that's had a penis in it. They're more or less told their dick/tongues will fall off if they go near it. This might explain why 'saddlebacking' is so popular amongst the Jeebus teens.
88
#53 says most of the things I want to say. Honestly, I don't really love giving head. Usually I only do it upon request. I'm told that I can be good at it. There are a few exceptions though-- there are two times I love giving head. 1- the easier time, is in the shower. Advantages, I know the cock is totally clean, and not sweaty and pissy after a day of work. Even some of you swallowers out there probably don't drink piss. That's what I think of when I go down on a day-old cock. Don't worry, I don't have a double standard... I prefer my pussy to be clean before getting licked out too. 2- the other time I love giving head is soon after my lover has given me an incredible orgasm, whether by his fingers or by fucking (or in your cases by oral sex-- it doesn't do it for me) and after I've been fucked brainless by him, I'm usually so happy and grateful that I'm happy and willing to volunteer for the task. But if I'm not getting my pleasure-- sorry, I'm not going to be overly enthused about giving him his.
Other than that, I strongly recommend 53's advice. Get him clean as foreplay. Teach him to make noises so you know he's enjoying it, and you know which actions you do get what kind of reactions (I think this is important). Use a flavored condom, that will alleviate a couple of your worries and cut down on std's as well. Better yet, practice putting a flavored condom on him with your mouth as an exercise.
Your other concerns-- worried about being bad-- there are millions of tips out there about good blow jobs-- my favorites: Eye contact and a naughty throat giggle as he is inside your mouth-- use the internets to find them. And the sluttiness has not been a concern of mine, I'm usually glad to be a slut for him. But that topic has been addressed well be the other commenters.
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Other than that, I strongly recommend 53's advice. Get him clean as foreplay. Teach him to make noises so you know he's enjoying it, and you know which actions you do get what kind of reactions (I think this is important). Use a flavored condom, that will alleviate a couple of your worries and cut down on std's as well. Better yet, practice putting a flavored condom on him with your mouth as an exercise.
Your other concerns-- worried about being bad-- there are millions of tips out there about good blow jobs-- my favorites: Eye contact and a naughty throat giggle as he is inside your mouth-- use the internets to find them. And the sluttiness has not been a concern of mine, I'm usually glad to be a slut for him. But that topic has been addressed well be the other commenters.
91
Tie him up. Then you won't have to worry about him pushing on your head with his hands, and you might feel less like a whore* if you're in a more dominant position. I also think that being bound and helpless makes pretty much all sensation seem more intense, and might make up for the fact that you will be licking and teasing more than deep-throating (which most guys seem to enjoy the idea of more than the actual sensation, FWIW).
*Not that there aren't dominant whores, or that feeling like a whore SHOULD be a bad thing. It's just that, for you, it is, and that may be tied up with understandable qualms about submission. Maybe.
*Not that there aren't dominant whores, or that feeling like a whore SHOULD be a bad thing. It's just that, for you, it is, and that may be tied up with understandable qualms about submission. Maybe.
92
I've been exactly in the same position (no pun intended) so that's what I did:
1.Watching some porn dedramatize the whole thing, and helps you with the technique (you don't need to put the whole thing in your mouth!)
2.At least for the first time: BLINDFOLD HIM.You'll feel more comfortable + it would actually feel better for him, even if he doesn't get the visual.
1.Watching some porn dedramatize the whole thing, and helps you with the technique (you don't need to put the whole thing in your mouth!)
2.At least for the first time: BLINDFOLD HIM.You'll feel more comfortable + it would actually feel better for him, even if he doesn't get the visual.
93
No matter how many people tell her it's the same as her bf eating her, and it's not slutty, etc, it won't help. Because she already knows that, in the rational non-sexual part of her brain that carries no weight here. She FEELS slutty about it, and feelings are very different than thoughts.
I think she needs to go a little off topic first. Try the whole silt-ties-bondage thing. Tie up the bf a few times and take control completely. Then, switch roles. As it is she sees giving head in more of a prison rape sort of way, as something that is demeaning and powerless. If she can get used to being passive and powerless in bed, then maybe she can get over the mental block. If that doesn't work, she could try using head as a weapon, and doing it while he's tied up. Sort of a "Look how crazy I can drive you and you can't do anything about it" sort of thing.
Bonus: he can't shove her head down if his hands are tied.
I think she needs to go a little off topic first. Try the whole silt-ties-bondage thing. Tie up the bf a few times and take control completely. Then, switch roles. As it is she sees giving head in more of a prison rape sort of way, as something that is demeaning and powerless. If she can get used to being passive and powerless in bed, then maybe she can get over the mental block. If that doesn't work, she could try using head as a weapon, and doing it while he's tied up. Sort of a "Look how crazy I can drive you and you can't do anything about it" sort of thing.
Bonus: he can't shove her head down if his hands are tied.
95
Leaving the quotation marks on the outside can make an essay with lots of quotations a fucking nightmare to read. The only place it's acceptable to leave them on the outside is in Slog comments, for reasons I can't really fathom.
And while "cum" might be commonly used, it is technically incorrect. (Except for certain archaic uses derived from Anglo-Saxon spellings, e.g. "Now did he threaten to cum". However, in none of these examples is the meaning sexual.)
From the OED:
5. [f. COME v.] Semen ejaculated at sexual climax, esp. spilt ejaculate. Also (rarely), fluid secreted by the vagina during sexual play. Cf. COME v. 17. slang.
1923 J. MANCHON Le Slang 90 Come, sperme. 1967 R. BRAUTIGAN Trout Fishing in Amer. 25 The walls, the floor and even the roof of the hut were coated with your sperm and her come. 1969 P. ROTH Portnoy's Complaint 183 Tell me! what did she do with your hot come! 1976 Miss London 23 Aug. 12/4 His attitude to sex is ambivalent. ‘Each night I had to clean the come off the back seat of the cab,’ he remarks in reasonable disgust.
And while "cum" might be commonly used, it is technically incorrect. (Except for certain archaic uses derived from Anglo-Saxon spellings, e.g. "Now did he threaten to cum". However, in none of these examples is the meaning sexual.)
From the OED:
5. [f. COME v.] Semen ejaculated at sexual climax, esp. spilt ejaculate. Also (rarely), fluid secreted by the vagina during sexual play. Cf. COME v. 17. slang.
1923 J. MANCHON Le Slang 90 Come, sperme. 1967 R. BRAUTIGAN Trout Fishing in Amer. 25 The walls, the floor and even the roof of the hut were coated with your sperm and her come. 1969 P. ROTH Portnoy's Complaint 183 Tell me! what did she do with your hot come! 1976 Miss London 23 Aug. 12/4 His attitude to sex is ambivalent. ‘Each night I had to clean the come off the back seat of the cab,’ he remarks in reasonable disgust.
96
Is the past tense of "cum" "cummed"? 'Cuz if it's "came" then those who spell it "cum" have no leg to stand on.
97
A tedious correction on an already tedious post: I meant to say "Leaving the punctuation marks on the outside can make an essay with lots of quotations a fucking nightmare to read".
@96: the past tense of "come" is "came". Since we don't live in 15th century England, "cum" and "cummed" are incorrect, and make a person look illiterate.
@96: the past tense of "come" is "came". Since we don't live in 15th century England, "cum" and "cummed" are incorrect, and make a person look illiterate.
98
It is sort of interesting to know the opinion of experts about words like cum vs. come, but widespread usage trumps their opinion. Such a quaint notion that we should defer to the opinion of experts. Like the quaint way people used to get their news from print newspspers.
99
@98
Yes, exactly. David Foster Wallace laid the Prescriptivist view on usage to rest in "Authority and American Usage", an essay that appears in "Consider the Lobster".
Language isn't just about syntax and semantics, it's also about communicating the speaker's membership in a particular social group. If someone's vernacular pisses you off, it's probably because they've identified themselves with a group you don't like.
Everyone should read that essay. It's brilliant.
Yes, exactly. David Foster Wallace laid the Prescriptivist view on usage to rest in "Authority and American Usage", an essay that appears in "Consider the Lobster".
Language isn't just about syntax and semantics, it's also about communicating the speaker's membership in a particular social group. If someone's vernacular pisses you off, it's probably because they've identified themselves with a group you don't like.
Everyone should read that essay. It's brilliant.
101
It’s all in your head ho much you enjoy something, so it sounds like a shift in thinking is called for here. I’ve never felt bad about sucking cock, or slutty, or degraded because I treat it like normal, fun sex. Sometimes it doesn’t mean a whole lot, but with a loving partner it can be such an intimate and awesome way to enjoy him. You are in complete power, you can control the extent of the penetration/action etc. (if you’re doing it right, they are going to be on a different planet) and you have this delicious, sensitive, fun cock to play with. Think about how sensitive your mouth is and how sensitive he is, and how hot kissing and sucking would be for both of you. Play it out in your head, think about how the situation would go down in a way that you would enjoy, and start to integrate those scenarios into your sex. Remember, you don’t have to have anyone else’s sex, only yours. Think about what you actually enjoy and how to shift that enjoyment downstairs.
Oh and that whole “pushed head” “come in mouth” degrading bullshit just rings of watching bad porn. So sad! Stop watching that STAT, it really doesn’t represent all the fun ways to suck sock. Go to a local, good porn place and get advice on what is more real/fun and watch that with your boyfriend. Sometimes watching together will make talking about it less awkward.
Oh and that whole “pushed head” “come in mouth” degrading bullshit just rings of watching bad porn. So sad! Stop watching that STAT, it really doesn’t represent all the fun ways to suck sock. Go to a local, good porn place and get advice on what is more real/fun and watch that with your boyfriend. Sometimes watching together will make talking about it less awkward.
102
@99: Of course language is about "communicating the speaker's membership in a particular social group". And living in a free country, you are welcome to spell any way you like. But formal convention dictates certain spellings, and straying from them puts you at risk of looking ignorant. The key is to be aware of which social group you are interacting with, and modifying your language (or not) according to what you want to communicate about yourself.
That said, I have no problem with the LW's use of "cum" because it's so common. But if she'd used "cummed", I admit I would have questioned her judgement, because she's talking to a reasonably educated group.
In short, effective communication is less about "deferring to the opinions of experts" than knowing the rules of the game that you're playing, and taking your risks accordingly.
That said, I have no problem with the LW's use of "cum" because it's so common. But if she'd used "cummed", I admit I would have questioned her judgement, because she's talking to a reasonably educated group.
In short, effective communication is less about "deferring to the opinions of experts" than knowing the rules of the game that you're playing, and taking your risks accordingly.
103
Personally, I like to use "cum" as a noun and "come" as a verb. Seems to make the most sense to me.
104
There are a lot of guys who get just as turned on by a lot of licking of the head, and less by major deep-throating. A blowjob doesn't have to look like Linda Lovelace. Concentrate on the head, lick the shaft, use your hands A LOT. If you put a hand around the base, YOU control the depth right there.
I've never understood the widespread female antipathy to oral sex, unless it's just that it seems submissive. And certainly a man who doesn't reciprocate after awhile is going to receive far less frequently. But what on earth is "whorish" about giving head, unless you're kneeling and doing it to a stranger in a back alley for $50?
Cocks aren't dirty horrible things to be afraid of, any more than hands or mouths or legs are. I mean, jeez, it's not like they're FEET or something (sorry foot fetishists - we all have our little quirks, and I hate feet).
I've never understood the widespread female antipathy to oral sex, unless it's just that it seems submissive. And certainly a man who doesn't reciprocate after awhile is going to receive far less frequently. But what on earth is "whorish" about giving head, unless you're kneeling and doing it to a stranger in a back alley for $50?
Cocks aren't dirty horrible things to be afraid of, any more than hands or mouths or legs are. I mean, jeez, it's not like they're FEET or something (sorry foot fetishists - we all have our little quirks, and I hate feet).
105
@98, "come" isn't prescriptivist. The OED is not a prescriptivist work; it is describing ACTUAL USAGE, and in literate actual usage the word is "come". "Cum" is a cheeseball word used in lousy porn. You shouldn't take your usage tips from lousy porn.
As for the punctuation inside of the quotation marks whether or not it is part of the quoted material, that's just US usage, and it's wrong. In Canada and Britain, the punctuation goes where it logically belongs. It has nothing to do with readability, by the way; the best guess anyone has is that it was instituted by typesetters back when they actually set type in metal, to protect the "." and "," slugs. And it's freaking HIDEOUS.
As for the punctuation inside of the quotation marks whether or not it is part of the quoted material, that's just US usage, and it's wrong. In Canada and Britain, the punctuation goes where it logically belongs. It has nothing to do with readability, by the way; the best guess anyone has is that it was instituted by typesetters back when they actually set type in metal, to protect the "." and "," slugs. And it's freaking HIDEOUS.
107
I can empathize with the feelings of 'sluttiness'
I read something about that and have since began to petition my university to do a project on lingistics and sexuality.
we constantly use references to fellatio as insutling and degrading remarks. its easy to feel not only 'slutty' but like someone is doing something to you* and not you doing it to them*
you can try to embrace this part of culture - it can feel nice to be bad sometimes. ;)
you might also internalize this and see performing oral sex as a sign of love and trust - you care enough to do it even though its hard for you and trust them enough to know* they don't think poorly of you
or you can try to change your thought process - there is nothing wrong with oral. no difference between you going down or having someone go down on you. just focus on making you and your partner happy.
as far as the fear about throwing up and breathing - as my sexuality professor taught us: we have teeth for a reason. if he puts his hand on the back of your head USE THEM
try to do it in a posution where you have the most control. such as having him lay down. if he gets to touchy with his hand, have them grasp the bed sheets to occupy his hands.
hope this helps
I read something about that and have since began to petition my university to do a project on lingistics and sexuality.
we constantly use references to fellatio as insutling and degrading remarks. its easy to feel not only 'slutty' but like someone is doing something to you* and not you doing it to them*
you can try to embrace this part of culture - it can feel nice to be bad sometimes. ;)
you might also internalize this and see performing oral sex as a sign of love and trust - you care enough to do it even though its hard for you and trust them enough to know* they don't think poorly of you
or you can try to change your thought process - there is nothing wrong with oral. no difference between you going down or having someone go down on you. just focus on making you and your partner happy.
as far as the fear about throwing up and breathing - as my sexuality professor taught us: we have teeth for a reason. if he puts his hand on the back of your head USE THEM
try to do it in a posution where you have the most control. such as having him lay down. if he gets to touchy with his hand, have them grasp the bed sheets to occupy his hands.
hope this helps
108
Probably it would be better for you to play it like a game. You may have some training lessons with a
109
Probably it would be better for you to play it like a game. You may have some training lessons with a
110
Probably it would be better for you to play it like a game. You may have some training lessons with a sex toy or banana to get used to the size in your mouth. Try to involve some kind of arousing and tasty flavored gels, it will turn you on, giving you a lot of pleasure and will help to overcome the physical discomfort.
And the last thing, when you are giving your head think of the dick you are sucking, like of the most sexual thing you've ever seen. It's really worth it.
And the last thing, when you are giving your head think of the dick you are sucking, like of the most sexual thing you've ever seen. It's really worth it.
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