Slog
News & ArtsFriday, September 18, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 2:59 PM
I've been with my girlfriend for close to three months now and everything is great. She's sweet, smart, fun, she has a great body and the sex is fantastic. The only thing is she won't give me head. She'll put her mouth on it for a little bit but anything longer then 90 seconds doesn't happen. I keep my package trim and clean so it's not that, plus I go down on her regularly because we both enjoy it. Recently I've told her how much I enjoy getting blowjobs and how I especially like having my balls sucked on. I told her that by no means is it a deal breaker and I love the sex we have but I'd like to there to be more head. She said would do it for me but that's not what I wanted to hear. She's told me she doesn't like to give head because guys in the past have cum in her mouth. That sounded like an excuse but I told her I understood and I've promised never to do that. Just as recently as last night I asked her to suck on my balls and she said, "Next time."Like I said, Dan, this isn't a deal breaker but I know it's not asking too much for the girl I fuck the shit out of to suck on the cock that fucks her so well. Advise please!
If You Love It Suck It
My answer after the jump...
Sorry, IYLISI, can't help you.
You already told the girlfriend that not getting head isn't a deal breaker for you—by no means is it a deal breaker for you—so you're not exactly negotiating from a position of strength. You threw away whatever leverage you had before the negotiations had even begun. And now you're never going to get the head you could get from her—which shouldn't be too big a deal, I figure, since the head you could get from her isn't the kind of head you're interested in receiving.
Right?
She said she would do it for you—and she might, once or twice, but she'll do it with much reluctance and little enthusiasm in the hopes that you'll stop asking—but "that's not what [you] wanted to hear." What you wanted to hear was this: "Suck your cock? OF COURSE! I'd love to suck your cock—I love sucking cock! And swallowing! Why didn't you ask sooner!" But she didn't say that, IYLISI, and she's never going to say that, because she doesn't like giving head and she never will. Who's to blame? Maybe the guys who came in her mouth without her written permission... if those guys exist. Some women regard "an ex came in my mouth once without asking me if it was okay"—whether it happened or they're just claiming that it did—as some sort of get-out-of-blowjob-free card. It puts a guy—even a nice, patient fool ("it's not a deal breaker")—in an impossible position. You can't argue with her about it because she's claiming to have been traumatized—practically sexually assaulted!—by previous boyfriends.
So what do you do now? Well, you keep eating her pussy, since you enjoy it, and you reassure the girlfriend that not getting head isn't a deal breaker for you. And you hope that you getting head elsewhere every once in a while—because you're not going to go without all your life—isn't a deal breaker for her.
1
My wife stopped giving me blowjobs the minute we got married. Now I feel like it is a deal breaker. God Damnit I want a blow job!
5
"she doesn't like giving head and she never will."
How can people change their sexual tastes?
Is it only established early on or is there a secret way to get people to find something sexy that they once found distasteful?
How can people change their sexual tastes?
Is it only established early on or is there a secret way to get people to find something sexy that they once found distasteful?
6
She also told me she doesn't like crème brûlée because she ate it once in the past and it had custard underneath.
7
"I promise I won't cum in your mouth." Oldest line in the history of humanity.
And Dan, you're absolutely bang-on here.
And Dan, you're absolutely bang-on here.
9
are there straight women who REALLY enjoy giving head? (outside of porno movies)
the few straight women I've ever discussed this with seem to find blowjobs on a par with cleaning the toilet, going to the dentist and doing taxes...
the few straight women I've ever discussed this with seem to find blowjobs on a par with cleaning the toilet, going to the dentist and doing taxes...
10
Some women want you to get/buy them things in exchange for the sex you want. Ask her if there's something you could get her in exchange. You know, a ring or earings or a special dinner or dance. She must have said she had an interest in something, hint, hint.
11
It's clear to me repairative therapy is needed. Isn't there a church somewhere were that nice girl can go and get help? Some youth pastor that can help? Shall we all pray that a youth pastor appear and help. Hold hands...
12
I used to love it, michael. (Does it count if I'm bi and not straight? I'm with a woman now, but I like going down on men or women.)
14
You may not think it's a dealbreaker now, but the resentment will grow. Renegotiate or prepare for the imminent demise of this relationship.
16
@9 there totally is.
Getting my man off is hot ... and how much he gets turned on by what I do ... even hotter.
I think it has more to do with sexual inhibitions and stereotypical roles that woman are said to play. It's okay for her to "not be okay" with giving head because so many of her friends are the same way, so she doesn't even try. She could also be afraid of being bad at it. It is so easy to be bad at giving head, and if you never do it? Well ... and who knows maybe her past trauma was actually an ex telling her that she was bad it ...
If she really got into it though and noticed what it did to him ... I think that she could be converted.
Getting my man off is hot ... and how much he gets turned on by what I do ... even hotter.
I think it has more to do with sexual inhibitions and stereotypical roles that woman are said to play. It's okay for her to "not be okay" with giving head because so many of her friends are the same way, so she doesn't even try. She could also be afraid of being bad at it. It is so easy to be bad at giving head, and if you never do it? Well ... and who knows maybe her past trauma was actually an ex telling her that she was bad it ...
If she really got into it though and noticed what it did to him ... I think that she could be converted.
17
Dan implies a question here: Why do so many women not enjoy sucking dick? Unfamiliarity with the male anatomy? Maybe.
I have a hypothesis that I'm sure many here will strenuously disagree with (and feel free, but ease up on the nastiness, it's Friday): I think that, for all the good it's done for women over the years (and hooray for it!), the women's movement has often been very sex-negative, and has instilled in a lot of women the idea of every man being a potential rapist, and every dick being a weapon. Following this logic, you wouldn't put a loaded gun in your mouth, would you?
The general perception of het dick sucking seems to be that, by sucking a guy's cock, she's submitting to him. I suppose a very ubnhappy and sex-negative person one could see it this way, but, jeez, what a miserable way to look at sex, surely one of life's glories! Couldn't it be viewed instead as pure pleasure-giving, and nothing more?
Am I way, way, WAY off-base here? After all, I'm a fag, what do I know about how women think?
I have a hypothesis that I'm sure many here will strenuously disagree with (and feel free, but ease up on the nastiness, it's Friday): I think that, for all the good it's done for women over the years (and hooray for it!), the women's movement has often been very sex-negative, and has instilled in a lot of women the idea of every man being a potential rapist, and every dick being a weapon. Following this logic, you wouldn't put a loaded gun in your mouth, would you?
The general perception of het dick sucking seems to be that, by sucking a guy's cock, she's submitting to him. I suppose a very ubnhappy and sex-negative person one could see it this way, but, jeez, what a miserable way to look at sex, surely one of life's glories! Couldn't it be viewed instead as pure pleasure-giving, and nothing more?
Am I way, way, WAY off-base here? After all, I'm a fag, what do I know about how women think?
18
This is one of the few aspects of life where being gay is obviously superior... I've never had a boyfriend who didn't love sucking cock.
23
@9: Yes, absolutely! I love love love it, and I would do it more often if I could...
(And a pre-emptive fuck off to creepy trolls.)
Can this woman not be ...trained somehow? Like with positive reinforcement, where she blows him for a bit longer each time? What about during a 69? Could he approach it with humour, and tease her into giving him just a little more before he gives her what she wants? I don't think he should give up, not at first, anyway. Although eventually he may have to leave the repressed girl to some repressed boy who won't go down on her.
(And a pre-emptive fuck off to creepy trolls.)
Can this woman not be ...trained somehow? Like with positive reinforcement, where she blows him for a bit longer each time? What about during a 69? Could he approach it with humour, and tease her into giving him just a little more before he gives her what she wants? I don't think he should give up, not at first, anyway. Although eventually he may have to leave the repressed girl to some repressed boy who won't go down on her.
26
And for the record, Chris @17, I'm as feminist as they come. I think strong women get off on giving head not because it's "pure pleasure-giving", but because it's pure pleasure-getting, and we're greedy about getting our needs met like that!
27
IYLISI,
Speaking as someone who used to hate it, associated it with physical trauma, it is possible to get over it, and have it be empowering and hot has hell. You may want to ask her some clarifying questions.
If it's all about the taste, try showering together first, and than wrap it with a flavored condom, no risk of going beyond the point of no return.
Here's hoping you two find a meeting of the minds.
Speaking as someone who used to hate it, associated it with physical trauma, it is possible to get over it, and have it be empowering and hot has hell. You may want to ask her some clarifying questions.
If it's all about the taste, try showering together first, and than wrap it with a flavored condom, no risk of going beyond the point of no return.
Here's hoping you two find a meeting of the minds.
28
I think I remember seeing Paris Hilton recently say, "I don't do that. My mother says that only ugly chicks have to do that."
Which seems to be consistent with, not @17's theory, but an older one that I hear about riduculously often, which is that a lot of women seem still to feel that their sexual role is to look attractive and only to look attractive, period. As in, don't I look hot, which should excuse my being a completely dead lay.
Which seems to be consistent with, not @17's theory, but an older one that I hear about riduculously often, which is that a lot of women seem still to feel that their sexual role is to look attractive and only to look attractive, period. As in, don't I look hot, which should excuse my being a completely dead lay.
29
@17 - I don't disagree with everything you say, but "the women's movement has often been very sex-negative" implies that before the women's movement women were taught to be very sex positive, which is ridiculously untrue.
30
Chris - I think it's probably much simpler than that. A combination of things might lead a girl to not be that into head (particularly one that isn't as experienced). I'm not saying these are valid reasons, or things that can't be overcome (or that any of these reflect my thoughts on the topic, since they don't), but they're there...
1) Being grossed out by putting her mouth "down there." This could have been exacerbated by previous boyfriends who weren't stellar in the hygiene area.
2) It makes her gag. This can almost always be overcome by figuring out what technique works for her (how to use the hands, etc.), but it can be a problem until you figure it out.
3) Feeling like she isn't be any good at it, like @16 said. For someone who feels like they aren't any good, I could see how it could be nerve-wracking, since you're sort of being put in the spotlight and having to perform.
4) There could be some emotional reasons like you mention (general sex negativity, not wanting to be seen as subservient, religion-based fucked-upitude), but I'd be willing to wager it's much more practical than that.
Not sure in terms of advice to the letter writer here... would be good to know exactly what her issues are, but I'm not sure how you get to the bottom of that delicately. There are plenty of explicit "how-to" guides with tips/advice (as teenagers we uncovered a hilarious one from the 70s called The Sensuous Woman by J) and I'm sure some videos online. But... again... not sure how you bring that up without sounding like a douche. I would also suggest lots of verbal feedback about what she's doing right/well in the moment, if confidence is her issue.
Dan seems to think she's a lost cause, but, if she's young and somewhat inexperienced, I wouldn't give up hope...
More...
1) Being grossed out by putting her mouth "down there." This could have been exacerbated by previous boyfriends who weren't stellar in the hygiene area.
2) It makes her gag. This can almost always be overcome by figuring out what technique works for her (how to use the hands, etc.), but it can be a problem until you figure it out.
3) Feeling like she isn't be any good at it, like @16 said. For someone who feels like they aren't any good, I could see how it could be nerve-wracking, since you're sort of being put in the spotlight and having to perform.
4) There could be some emotional reasons like you mention (general sex negativity, not wanting to be seen as subservient, religion-based fucked-upitude), but I'd be willing to wager it's much more practical than that.
Not sure in terms of advice to the letter writer here... would be good to know exactly what her issues are, but I'm not sure how you get to the bottom of that delicately. There are plenty of explicit "how-to" guides with tips/advice (as teenagers we uncovered a hilarious one from the 70s called The Sensuous Woman by J) and I'm sure some videos online. But... again... not sure how you bring that up without sounding like a douche. I would also suggest lots of verbal feedback about what she's doing right/well in the moment, if confidence is her issue.
Dan seems to think she's a lost cause, but, if she's young and somewhat inexperienced, I wouldn't give up hope...
32
IYLISI's mistake here is the same as Barack Obama's. Like Obama, he tipped his cards, indicating that his request (for blowjobs or for the public option) could be safely ignored without danger of him walking away from negotiations. Both IYLISI and Obama need to learn the psychology of deal making. Your opponent is calculating the cost of giving in to your requests against the odds of losing the deal entirely.
34
This is only somewhat related, but it's amazing how many women think they are very skilful at sucking cock, when in fact they are pretty mediocre. I think it's because their past boyfriends were too afraid to give tips on improvement, lest the ladies get their feelings hurt and give up on oral altogether.
This observation brought to you by painstakingly accrued anecdotal evidence...
This observation brought to you by painstakingly accrued anecdotal evidence...
35
I'm a girl. I don't mind it, once I'm doing it, I even get kinda into it. But you know what? I procrastinate on it. My boyfriend is apparently so fearful of rejection he really never initiates anything, so it's up to me, and like a lot of things in my life, I just keep putting it off, even though I know it would make his day.
About this case though- I disagree that she will never like it. We women change our likes and dislikes all the time. There's no guarantee, but with some patience, gentle humor, maybe games, whipped cream- who knows what angle might appeal to her- but anyway. It's possible. Try a little harder (but tread softly, don't stress her out) before you seek it elsewhere.
About this case though- I disagree that she will never like it. We women change our likes and dislikes all the time. There's no guarantee, but with some patience, gentle humor, maybe games, whipped cream- who knows what angle might appeal to her- but anyway. It's possible. Try a little harder (but tread softly, don't stress her out) before you seek it elsewhere.
36
@33: I totally agree. She will feel a lot less pressure when dude dumps her and finds somebody who meets his needs.
37
It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker for him to have negotiation power. He could just make *his* performance of oral sex conditional on *hers*. Well, or make such a threat/demand in a gentler way, but the point is clear--the two things are equivalent, and if he doesn't get any, neither does she.
That said, reluctant blow jobs can make the recipient feel horrible, and I think this guy is never going to get the eager-to-please attitude he wants.
That said, reluctant blow jobs can make the recipient feel horrible, and I think this guy is never going to get the eager-to-please attitude he wants.
39
@ 26 - That, Irena, seems to me to be the more "normal" (feel free to cringe at my use of that word) way to look at the situation. Except in cases where sexual abuse or forced or coerced head-giving is involved, one has to wonder what someone's damage must be to not get pleasure from giving pleasure.
40
@36 Absolutely. And she'll be glad she's rid of a guy who can't work around her personal boundaries.
44
@4
Gay people are just as fucked up, often in different ways. I know several gay male couples who are together just for the sex. Treat each other like shit, nothing in common, no emotional intimacy, lie to each other all the time... but they FUCK. Your key fits my hole - I'm bottom, you're top so it's happily ever after. Like a couple of German Shepherds. Lovely.
Gay people are just as fucked up, often in different ways. I know several gay male couples who are together just for the sex. Treat each other like shit, nothing in common, no emotional intimacy, lie to each other all the time... but they FUCK. Your key fits my hole - I'm bottom, you're top so it's happily ever after. Like a couple of German Shepherds. Lovely.
45
@17,
It seems more likely that this woman is simply an easily grossed out prude (she won't even suck his balls, for fuck's sake), which is sadly common among both genders in my experience. Talk to some straight women sometime about the myriad men they've slept with who act like girl parts are nasty.
It seems more likely that this woman is simply an easily grossed out prude (she won't even suck his balls, for fuck's sake), which is sadly common among both genders in my experience. Talk to some straight women sometime about the myriad men they've slept with who act like girl parts are nasty.
46
@ 30 - You're right, Julie, it's more complex than I made it out to be. But I still think the extreme anti-male factions of the women's have had a negative effect on people having good sex.
Thank you, straight & bi female Slog commenters for educating me. I owe you all a nice under-$5 gift, like a candle or something. We're good at picking out stuff like that.
Thank you, straight & bi female Slog commenters for educating me. I owe you all a nice under-$5 gift, like a candle or something. We're good at picking out stuff like that.
47
@28, that's hilarious, since half the world has seen that video of Paris Hilton gobbling that guy's knob.
49
I don't particularly enjoy giving head for a variety of reasons (although, I still will, every once in a while). But, as Dan points out, I also don't expect my partner to go without it forever and would encourage him to go get a blow job from someone else, if it was an itch that I couldn't/wouldn't scratch. Of course, it took a lot of open communication between the two of us about what that would look like, as far as the parameters go, for me to be comfortable with that idea (so far, he hasn't acted on it the offer). Hopefully the LW and his gf are able to communicate honestly. Otherwise, he's SOL.
50
@46,
So you're not going to put any of the blame on men who give women good reason to fear men and male sexuality. Cute.
So you're not going to put any of the blame on men who give women good reason to fear men and male sexuality. Cute.
51
We all at some point don't feel comfortable with certain sexual acts for whatever reason but change through supportive and understanding partners. I didn't like giving head because of boyfriends that pressured and whined till I did. I didn't like getting licked because it made me feel violated and uncomfortable. I didn't like sex because it was pushy and painful and my pleasure was second fiddle. But dudes who truly loved me, who saw my pleasure as paramount to theirs, who wanted my full consent and desire at all times, were patient and understanding and gave me ALL THE TIME I needed.
52
1) Being grossed out by putting her mouth "down there." This could have been exacerbated by previous boyfriends who weren't stellar in the hygiene area.
The irony here is that, in fact, the human mouth has more bacteria than the surface of any penis unless the penis's owner hasn't showered in a loooooong while. If anything, it should probably be men saying "Why would I put my man parts in that filthy, germ-infested hole?", not the other way around.
(And yes, I'd assume that the average man's mouth is more germ-laden than the average vagina as well.)
1) Being grossed out by putting her mouth "down there." This could have been exacerbated by previous boyfriends who weren't stellar in the hygiene area.
The irony here is that, in fact, the human mouth has more bacteria than the surface of any penis unless the penis's owner hasn't showered in a loooooong while. If anything, it should probably be men saying "Why would I put my man parts in that filthy, germ-infested hole?", not the other way around.
(And yes, I'd assume that the average man's mouth is more germ-laden than the average vagina as well.)
54
@52. I doubt it's about bacteria, really. Smell is probably more of a concern. Most people have had the experience of going down on someone (guy or girl) that maybe hadn't showered since that morning and didn't smell that great. If this girl had a couple of boyfriends with that problem, maybe she just began to think negatively of blowjobs as a result.
Eh, I don't really know what her deal is. But, I do think that there's a chance she might get over whatever she doesn't like about it (and, to be fair, an equal chance that she just won't ever get used to it).
Eh, I don't really know what her deal is. But, I do think that there's a chance she might get over whatever she doesn't like about it (and, to be fair, an equal chance that she just won't ever get used to it).
55
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Sucking your cock while I'm tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream colored bed sheets and crisp apple strudel,
Door bells and whore bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes,
Snow-flakes that stay on my nose and eye-lashes,
Silver white win-ters that melt into spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,
When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Sucking your cock while I'm tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream colored bed sheets and crisp apple strudel,
Door bells and whore bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses and blue satin sashes,
Snow-flakes that stay on my nose and eye-lashes,
Silver white win-ters that melt into spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,
When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.
56
I think we found a use for all those flavored condoms!
@28,
My grandfather once told me that plain girls are better wives/girlfriends than pretty ones. The plain girls have to work at it to get/keep a guy, but the pretty one just has to stand there and guys will fall all over themselves to wait on them hand and foot.
@28,
My grandfather once told me that plain girls are better wives/girlfriends than pretty ones. The plain girls have to work at it to get/keep a guy, but the pretty one just has to stand there and guys will fall all over themselves to wait on them hand and foot.
57
She may not like giving head now, but that very well might change in the future. I speak from experience. Years ago when my erotic life was just getting underway, so to speak, I was in the same situation: had a great boyfriend, sex was great, he wanted oral but I was not comfortable with it. I talked to my best gal pal for help and she gave me some great advice about techniques, getting past the gag reflex, swallowing, etc.. But the main thing she imparted to me was how much SHE got off on sucking cock. She told me what a rush it was for HER, having so much sexual power over the guy, being able to pleasure him so, so much with just her mouth, lips, tongue and hands. She advised me well, and I took her advice to, uh, heart.. I'm proud to say that, years later, one of my favorite words is 'fellatrix' -- a title I've been told I've well earned. :-)
@ 9 - Hi!
@ 9 - Hi!
58
What's it like, gay men, to be able to find sex partners and bang away without it too often turning into some kind of never-ending power struggle (unless that's your thing)? Sometimes a straight guy gets envious. (Ignoring the whole part-of-society-irrationally-loathes-you part, of course.)
59
@57 raises an interesting point. Maybe the question IYLISI needs to ask is what would make the oral hot for his girlfriend. It's pretty clear that "you should love sucking it because it fucks you so well" ain't it. But what IS she into? Is she a top or a bottom? What are her fantasies? He ought to stop thinking of ways of getting her to DO it, and start thinking of ways to get her to WANT to do it.
And, yeah, @9, I've got myself one of those straight girls who likes giving head, too. I'd say we both like giving the other oral more than we like receiving, really. B^)
And, yeah, @9, I've got myself one of those straight girls who likes giving head, too. I'd say we both like giving the other oral more than we like receiving, really. B^)
60
Is this the best thread I've ever read? The answer is: almost certainly.. Thank you @9 for inspiring all the pro-head testimonial.
61
As a guy ... I LOVE giving oral. It's so in your face (literally) with a womans intimate area. It rocks, and you can really feel her get into it. How she moves, and breathes. I can't think of anything more intense, and mood inducing!
And yet, somehow, it seems many women don't feel the same way. I've only been with like a few that didn't like it, but they were tiny ... and well felt weird about their techniques.
And really ... for me, it's not so much that she is great at giving head, and I don't like it that much, but it's that she willfully WANTS to do it that turns me on ...
And yet, somehow, it seems many women don't feel the same way. I've only been with like a few that didn't like it, but they were tiny ... and well felt weird about their techniques.
And really ... for me, it's not so much that she is great at giving head, and I don't like it that much, but it's that she willfully WANTS to do it that turns me on ...
63
Oral is for flaccid 67 year old guys who need hookers to get them off.
Skip the carnal knowledge and go for the straight fuck all the time.
It's more American.
Skip the carnal knowledge and go for the straight fuck all the time.
It's more American.
64
Sigh, my husband doesn't much want me to give him head. I talked him into it once, he insisted on using a condom, and I don't think I did a great job. I'd love to try again, but I doubt he'll go for it.
(Any hints on techniques in case he lets me do it would be welcome, though.)
(Any hints on techniques in case he lets me do it would be welcome, though.)
65
OK perhaps she doesn't like the way you taste. Cut out the freakin salt and eat some fruit. It won't kill you unless you are allergic to it. I swear men think women should suck their dicks, well then don't add two fucking tons of salt to your diets, it makes your cum and precum taste fucking horrible. I will give her the maybe she doesn't like doing it cause she had an ex that came in her with out warning. I had an ex that forced me to suck him, along with other things, guess what I don't take it out on the current boyfriend. As long as he is nice and sweet to me, I am willing to suck his dick, and drink his cum down, or for that fucking matter give him a hand job and lick him clean when he cums. I am pretty much up for doing anything to please him. Now if he start with that asshole traits that my ex had, well he can get a few ribs removed and suck himself off. I am so past playing games with guys. So why don't you have a real convo with your girl, not in the middle of trying to get her to suck your dick while your are playing with her, but when you are just sitting around talking. Ask what you need to do to make it something she is more willing to try. I don't see why it should be a deal breaker, you won't die if you don't get your dick sucked. I can understand the want. But you are with her for a reason remember that. And try to talk it out and make it easier on her to want to do.
66
spoiler: all the "women" in this thread posting about how much they love giving head are actually gay guys
68
@45: i think its odd that both you and the question-asker consider ball sucking further down the gross meter than cock sucking. you should talk to mrs. solomon. she'd disagree.
69
@ 27 and @57
I also used to hate oral sex because of past drama. I really don't feel like this guy's girlfriend is using an excuse. Speaking from experience, it was an issue that was overcome with time, trust, and my boyfriend taking off the pressure.
It took me about a year, but I totally got over that hang-up. I think IYLISI should hang in there, be supportive, and try and establish a healthy and trusting relationship (please please please without seeking oral elsewhere... Nothing hurts more than being emotionally damaged, trying your hardest to overcome, and being cheated on because of your pain). Your girlfriend wil probably come around. Most people seem to.
PS: Also, it's possible the trauma she experience was a lot more extreme than a boyfriend just coming in her mouth without asking. I mean, three months is kinda early to disclose anything really painful.
I also used to hate oral sex because of past drama. I really don't feel like this guy's girlfriend is using an excuse. Speaking from experience, it was an issue that was overcome with time, trust, and my boyfriend taking off the pressure.
It took me about a year, but I totally got over that hang-up. I think IYLISI should hang in there, be supportive, and try and establish a healthy and trusting relationship (please please please without seeking oral elsewhere... Nothing hurts more than being emotionally damaged, trying your hardest to overcome, and being cheated on because of your pain). Your girlfriend wil probably come around. Most people seem to.
PS: Also, it's possible the trauma she experience was a lot more extreme than a boyfriend just coming in her mouth without asking. I mean, three months is kinda early to disclose anything really painful.
70
I'd say most women enjoy giving head to the right guy, and many consider it a point of pride.
Loving BJs are one of the things that make life worth living for a guy. If it's not a deal breaker now, it definitely will be in the future. Keep in mind that many women lose interest in sexual intercourse after giving birth and while nursing. Take BJs off the menu, and this guy is going to have some serious dry spells.
It's definitely possible for her to get over her hangup, but only if she recognizes what a huge problem it is, not just in this relationship but any het relationship.
If they can't get past this on their own, they should see a good couple's therapist who can help her get over her aversion.
Loving BJs are one of the things that make life worth living for a guy. If it's not a deal breaker now, it definitely will be in the future. Keep in mind that many women lose interest in sexual intercourse after giving birth and while nursing. Take BJs off the menu, and this guy is going to have some serious dry spells.
It's definitely possible for her to get over her hangup, but only if she recognizes what a huge problem it is, not just in this relationship but any het relationship.
If they can't get past this on their own, they should see a good couple's therapist who can help her get over her aversion.
71
@56: "My grandfather once told me that plain girls are better wives/girlfriends than pretty ones."
Funny, there was an episode of Lesbian Mafia where they said the exact same thing. There's some truth to it, perhaps, but you can definitely have a hot girlfriend who likes to please.
Funny, there was an episode of Lesbian Mafia where they said the exact same thing. There's some truth to it, perhaps, but you can definitely have a hot girlfriend who likes to please.
73
@ seandr,
I think it's a myth myself. I personally think good bed skills come from lots of practice and a healthy attitude toward sex. I've known people who were extremely hot and extremely not who're great in bed and all of them had the same things in common: lot's of practice & no hang ups about sex being dirty.
I think it's a myth myself. I personally think good bed skills come from lots of practice and a healthy attitude toward sex. I've known people who were extremely hot and extremely not who're great in bed and all of them had the same things in common: lot's of practice & no hang ups about sex being dirty.
74
@73: No question, there are plenty of hotties out there who can fuck like porn stars. God bless every one of them.
But I've had personal experience with a hot woman who had been with lots of guys but was nevertheless totally clueless in bed. Somehow, she got away with just lying there with all those guys, and I suspect her hotness had something to do with it.
I know I was the first one to tell her she was a boring lay, and that she needed to be an active participant if things were going to work between us.
And she responded.
But I've had personal experience with a hot woman who had been with lots of guys but was nevertheless totally clueless in bed. Somehow, she got away with just lying there with all those guys, and I suspect her hotness had something to do with it.
I know I was the first one to tell her she was a boring lay, and that she needed to be an active participant if things were going to work between us.
And she responded.
75
Another girl who loves oral here. I've actually never ever gotten the semen hang up. He eats you out, you swallow his load. There's absolutely no difference, in my mind. I've also always felt that going down was the best way to get out of regular sex if you're just not feeling it. I do love giving head and it gets me off, but it's also great if you're just not feeling sexy. It's such a great catch-all! It is really considered more work? I figure it's less work, assuming you're not the kind of girl who just lays there like a wet pillow.
76
Oral is standard issue in 2009...It's a given. In no adult relationship would I let a partner give me head while refusing to do the same in return. That's called being a selfish lover, and if homegirl can't articulate her distaste for the act (or the dick itself) then that's grounds for dismissal.
Period.
(btw-you played yourself for speaking too soon about "dealbreakers")
Period.
(btw-you played yourself for speaking too soon about "dealbreakers")
77
17, your theory is crazy. Women don't like sucking dick because they're not men... Women, in general, just don't have the libidos or sexuality that men have. If women really wanted and desired cock the way they desire, say, chocolate, they'd be all over it.
78
@72. Are you fucking kidding me? Says he who told me to suck his dick in a comment thread. Of course you think it's fucking degrading. God, you are a worthless piece of shit.
79
I remember back during the Bill Clinton & Monica Presidential Sex Witchhunt, I heard several female relatives at (politically charged) family gatherings -mostly older, all conservative- loudly and proudly bleat on and on about how "They never even heard of such a thing before!" and "I just can't even imagine people doing THAT!", "What kind of people would do such a THING? It never would have ever occured to me that people did THAT".
I don't know what's creepier: a bunch of old biddies hypocritically attacking a handsome authority figure and a cute chubby college girl for having oral sex... or the grim possibility that they were actually sincere.
I don't know what's creepier: a bunch of old biddies hypocritically attacking a handsome authority figure and a cute chubby college girl for having oral sex... or the grim possibility that they were actually sincere.
80
the whole 'deal breaker/negotiation' thing is kinda gross to me. i love to get head, but only if the girl wants to do it. her pleasure in the act is really more important than her skill or technique (up to a point anyway). leveraging someone to give you a blow job through genuine relationship negotiations sounds manipulative and totally unsexy.
83
@37
as a girl who loves giving bjs, (and who doesn't actually enjoy receiving oral all that much), I'm aware that most of my female friends CANNOT have orgasms from vaginal sex, even with the best intentions of their partners. despite the original poster stating that his dick 'fucks her so well', that doesn't mean that she is having orgasms from sex. her guy is getting off from vaginal sex, taking oral off the menu for her might be incredibly unfair. He should try working up to it more gradually, and if he doesn't have any luck, he might need to find someone else, but your suggestion is likely extremely inequitable.
as a girl who loves giving bjs, (and who doesn't actually enjoy receiving oral all that much), I'm aware that most of my female friends CANNOT have orgasms from vaginal sex, even with the best intentions of their partners. despite the original poster stating that his dick 'fucks her so well', that doesn't mean that she is having orgasms from sex. her guy is getting off from vaginal sex, taking oral off the menu for her might be incredibly unfair. He should try working up to it more gradually, and if he doesn't have any luck, he might need to find someone else, but your suggestion is likely extremely inequitable.
84
@67, not an issue. He's just squeamish.
@79, I'm pretty sure they were being sincere. I'm just old enough to be of the generation where oral was a kinky thing you might do with someone you were having vanilla sex with. (That all changed with AIDS.) I don't think it was ever a really unusual kink, but there were lots of people who only did vanilla and didn't talk much (or at all) about other possibilities, let alone try them.
@79, I'm pretty sure they were being sincere. I'm just old enough to be of the generation where oral was a kinky thing you might do with someone you were having vanilla sex with. (That all changed with AIDS.) I don't think it was ever a really unusual kink, but there were lots of people who only did vanilla and didn't talk much (or at all) about other possibilities, let alone try them.
85
@9, i'm a bi girl, but married to a man, and i LOVE sucking my husband's dick. oh, and sucking his balls. i love the way it makes him gasp and moan. i also love licking all around his (freshly showered) asshole, but that is a bit of a tangent. point is, it is fun and powerful to give your partner pleasure.
i think perhaps the girlfriend in question is being selfish, but the reasons for this selfishness could be almost anything. the real problem with them is communication. but at three months in, maybe he's hoping for it a bit too soon...hopefully it can be resolved.
my suggestion would be: he says he will go down and lick and kiss it for a few minutes, he should REALLY play op those few minutes, while she's there, tell her how good it feels, take the moaning up a notch, rub her shoulders, tug her hair gently (if that's something she's into), really encourage whatever she is doing that does feel good. after she stops, make sure she knows how much you enjoyed it, but don't pressure for more. people love positive reinforcement, and hopefully continued positive reinforcement could make her want to be down there more and more, incrementally...oh, and don't cum in her mouth...some girls will never like that, and you can't change it (although i admit, i don't get it, i have always swallowed. never bothered me.)
i think perhaps the girlfriend in question is being selfish, but the reasons for this selfishness could be almost anything. the real problem with them is communication. but at three months in, maybe he's hoping for it a bit too soon...hopefully it can be resolved.
my suggestion would be: he says he will go down and lick and kiss it for a few minutes, he should REALLY play op those few minutes, while she's there, tell her how good it feels, take the moaning up a notch, rub her shoulders, tug her hair gently (if that's something she's into), really encourage whatever she is doing that does feel good. after she stops, make sure she knows how much you enjoyed it, but don't pressure for more. people love positive reinforcement, and hopefully continued positive reinforcement could make her want to be down there more and more, incrementally...oh, and don't cum in her mouth...some girls will never like that, and you can't change it (although i admit, i don't get it, i have always swallowed. never bothered me.)
86
Unimpressed, Dan. This guy isn't complaining because his girlfriend refuses to give him a blowjob, he's complaining because she says she'll 'do it for him'. Clearly she doesn't like it, but I don't think it's at all clear that she's not open for negotiation. Your reply implies that she's deliberately holding out on him, rather than being honest about her dislike but reluctantly offering to do it anyway.
Perhaps she could work her way up? She's willing to suck him for short periods of time, and she'd probably be willing to learn how to suck his balls the way he loves it (no danger of him coming in her mouth, there). Compromise may well be possible. If not, well, yeah, he'll have to decide whether she's worth the lack of blowjobs.
You're certainly not helping him figure out if blowjobs are possible with this girlfriend, though. Your answer appears to be "what a shame, you can't threaten to dump her unless she gives you a blowjob". I mean, yuck. Way to make blowjobs sound unsexy! Thanks for ruining my morning. Hopefully the nasty taste left by your attitude will fade and in time the idea of sucking a guy's cock will return to being interesting rather than disgusting.
Perhaps she could work her way up? She's willing to suck him for short periods of time, and she'd probably be willing to learn how to suck his balls the way he loves it (no danger of him coming in her mouth, there). Compromise may well be possible. If not, well, yeah, he'll have to decide whether she's worth the lack of blowjobs.
You're certainly not helping him figure out if blowjobs are possible with this girlfriend, though. Your answer appears to be "what a shame, you can't threaten to dump her unless she gives you a blowjob". I mean, yuck. Way to make blowjobs sound unsexy! Thanks for ruining my morning. Hopefully the nasty taste left by your attitude will fade and in time the idea of sucking a guy's cock will return to being interesting rather than disgusting.
87
@77, we women are all very tired of the trope that women don't have the libidos of men. Simply not true. Maybe your techniques don't inspire that much desire in your woman, but that's your problem, not ours. Personally I've never met any man whose libido came near to matching mine....
88
This non giving woman needs to go ... show her the door. She isn't going to wake up one day and say "Hey baby, I figure I owe you 69 blowjobs..." But have faith, there are indeed a few women who enjoy giving head. Bless their souls!
89
@87, I don't care if you women are all very tired of it. I'm sure you're an exception, and I'm sure you can find a decent number of others. They're still all exceptions - for every one of you, there's a dozen of my wifes' sisters who sit around groaning about their husbands wanting sex over coffee.
Take the _average_ male libido and the _average_ female libido, and the former is going to be stronger than the latter. I haven't seen a single piece of convincing evidence in my entire life that genuinely suggests otherwise.
Take the _average_ male libido and the _average_ female libido, and the former is going to be stronger than the latter. I haven't seen a single piece of convincing evidence in my entire life that genuinely suggests otherwise.
90
I confess I didn't read every single persons comment so if this has already been said, I apologize.
I am a straight girl who doesn't like giving head. I feel like a whore and slut. In my case, everybody is right, I feel like it's something being forced upon me, I'm afraid of being bad at it, afraid of cum in my mouth, having my head shoved down too far, I even get a claustrophic-like feeling having something that big in my mouth, blah, blah, blah...
However, I really want to change. I want to like it. I want to love giving such pleasure to my guy. I want to happily return the favour cuz my current guy does amazing things to me with his tongue.
The biggest thing I have is the feeling of sluttiness. I don't think of other girls who like it as a whore.
Soo.....anyone have any ideas? How can I change? How can I like sucking dick?
I am a straight girl who doesn't like giving head. I feel like a whore and slut. In my case, everybody is right, I feel like it's something being forced upon me, I'm afraid of being bad at it, afraid of cum in my mouth, having my head shoved down too far, I even get a claustrophic-like feeling having something that big in my mouth, blah, blah, blah...
However, I really want to change. I want to like it. I want to love giving such pleasure to my guy. I want to happily return the favour cuz my current guy does amazing things to me with his tongue.
The biggest thing I have is the feeling of sluttiness. I don't think of other girls who like it as a whore.
Soo.....anyone have any ideas? How can I change? How can I like sucking dick?
91
Hey 89, why don't you register?
Who cares about average? Average isn't in bed with you. All you need is to find (at least) one woman whose libido nearly matches yours. It's as simple as that. If you and your wife are resorting to talking about averages rather than what goes on between you, yourselves, then you're beyond help.
Who cares about average? Average isn't in bed with you. All you need is to find (at least) one woman whose libido nearly matches yours. It's as simple as that. If you and your wife are resorting to talking about averages rather than what goes on between you, yourselves, then you're beyond help.
92
@90, oh where to begin?
Girl to girl, nobody but nobody likes feeling something is forced upon them, so you're not alone there. Talk to your guy, tell him exactly what you told us. He'll be thrilled you want to give him back what he gives you. That in and of itself is a turn-on. He'll also hear what your fears are (and if you don't want him to cum in your mouth, he needs to hear that).
Since feeling forced is a big deal for you, why not turn the tables and tie his hands to the bed so you feel safe? That puts you in charge, and trust me, he'll love it. And take your time---touch him, lick him, see what he likes, see what you like. Everybody has to learn sometime, and this is your time. As for the claustrophobic thing, don't think that all head is deep-throating. Some of us can do that, others have a strong gag reflex and can't.
You seem to have a pretty strong sense that receiving sexual pleasure is ok, but "doing to" is whorish. Lose that idea fast--it may seem emotionally safe, but it's childish and selfish in real life. In fact, lose the concepts of "slut" and "whore" altogether. They were created to keep you (and all women) from fully exploring and enjoying your own sexuality---and in your case they're working pretty well.
Good luck, girl--this sex thing is yours to enjoy, if only you take ownership of it.
Girl to girl, nobody but nobody likes feeling something is forced upon them, so you're not alone there. Talk to your guy, tell him exactly what you told us. He'll be thrilled you want to give him back what he gives you. That in and of itself is a turn-on. He'll also hear what your fears are (and if you don't want him to cum in your mouth, he needs to hear that).
Since feeling forced is a big deal for you, why not turn the tables and tie his hands to the bed so you feel safe? That puts you in charge, and trust me, he'll love it. And take your time---touch him, lick him, see what he likes, see what you like. Everybody has to learn sometime, and this is your time. As for the claustrophobic thing, don't think that all head is deep-throating. Some of us can do that, others have a strong gag reflex and can't.
You seem to have a pretty strong sense that receiving sexual pleasure is ok, but "doing to" is whorish. Lose that idea fast--it may seem emotionally safe, but it's childish and selfish in real life. In fact, lose the concepts of "slut" and "whore" altogether. They were created to keep you (and all women) from fully exploring and enjoying your own sexuality---and in your case they're working pretty well.
Good luck, girl--this sex thing is yours to enjoy, if only you take ownership of it.
93
@90
Try thinking of sucking dick as having the power to make him cum, or just to get him hotter for you. You are in control of how he feels. Make him feel it.
[gay guy here]
Try thinking of sucking dick as having the power to make him cum, or just to get him hotter for you. You are in control of how he feels. Make him feel it.
[gay guy here]
94
@91 Exactly. Not to mention that kind of attitude adds to the commodification of women - they hate sex, men love sex, so men must bargain to get it from women. It also is incredibly demeaning to men. Men are not always sexually available and to say they are ignores their personal boundaries. This is why people don't take male rape seriously.
95
@89 Sorry, I have to disagree here. I think that libido-wise it's pretty much the same for men and women. The problem is that women's sexuality was repressed by men (way to shoot yourselves in the foot) for so long and thus it was socially unacceptable for a woman to act on her high libido. And I don't know who the hell your wife's sisters are, but THEY are the exception.
Also, your age may have something to do with your view (you're married so I am assuming you are at least in your 20s) because the current teenage generation is fucking like crazy (both guys and girls).
ALL of my girl friends have higher sex drives than their boyfriends and we're all wondering why you men keep perpetuating this "men have higher libidos" theory. Men have always been terrified of a woman's high sex drive (just look at the history books and why women received steeper punishments for adultery or why women's sexuality was/is oppressed by men). Just get over it already. Women love to fuck. It's something men should CELEBRATE, not try to disprove!
Also, your age may have something to do with your view (you're married so I am assuming you are at least in your 20s) because the current teenage generation is fucking like crazy (both guys and girls).
ALL of my girl friends have higher sex drives than their boyfriends and we're all wondering why you men keep perpetuating this "men have higher libidos" theory. Men have always been terrified of a woman's high sex drive (just look at the history books and why women received steeper punishments for adultery or why women's sexuality was/is oppressed by men). Just get over it already. Women love to fuck. It's something men should CELEBRATE, not try to disprove!
96
i have never felt degraded giving head... it's an incredibly powerful experience. you're totally in control and you have them right where you want them. if you're avoiding giving head because of the taste, the smell, the hair, the way the guy acts -- tell him what you want. tell him to wash, to trim, to stop grabbing your head, w/e. he'll comply because he wants you to suck it, and if he doesn't, move on.
there's no excuse for refusing to do such a simple thing to pleasure your partner... and the passive-agressive 'next time' shit is not cute. if you have a reason, any reason, be upfront about it. and if you're just a selfish twat, just say 'honey, i'm too selfish to do that for you.' problem solved.
i love sucking cock, i'm a woman, and i don't understand selfish people who refuse.
there's no excuse for refusing to do such a simple thing to pleasure your partner... and the passive-agressive 'next time' shit is not cute. if you have a reason, any reason, be upfront about it. and if you're just a selfish twat, just say 'honey, i'm too selfish to do that for you.' problem solved.
i love sucking cock, i'm a woman, and i don't understand selfish people who refuse.
97
#9, hell yes!
Maybe the writer's girlfriend attends a workshop where someone can teach her how to give a blowjob- and how to stay in control of the BJ while she does it.
And guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but I read that deepthroating is not necessary for the blowjob to feel good? (awesome, but not necessary?) Maybe if she knows that, she would try again. But he needs to back off for a week or two, or three, and see if she comes around. Quit asking her every time....let a month go by.
Maybe the writer's girlfriend attends a workshop where someone can teach her how to give a blowjob- and how to stay in control of the BJ while she does it.
And guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but I read that deepthroating is not necessary for the blowjob to feel good? (awesome, but not necessary?) Maybe if she knows that, she would try again. But he needs to back off for a week or two, or three, and see if she comes around. Quit asking her every time....let a month go by.
98
@91 - yes, "average isn't in bed with you", but the point is that it's just going to be that much harder to find a compatible partner when there are far more oversexed men than oversexed women.
Don't believe me? Post a "Women seeking Men" ad in Craigslist's casual encounters section, and watch your inbox overflow. Then post a "Men seeking Women" ad. The demand for horny female partners just exceeds the supply, and thus there will always be some frustrated guys out there.
And look - science agrees with me (remove the spaces in the URL):
http://psr.sagepub.c om/cgi/content/abstr act/5/3/242
Sorry, but despite the claims that "it's just social construction", everything points to men being hornier on average.
Don't believe me? Post a "Women seeking Men" ad in Craigslist's casual encounters section, and watch your inbox overflow. Then post a "Men seeking Women" ad. The demand for horny female partners just exceeds the supply, and thus there will always be some frustrated guys out there.
And look - science agrees with me (remove the spaces in the URL):
http://psr.sagepub.c om/cgi/content/abstr act/5/3/242
Sorry, but despite the claims that "it's just social construction", everything points to men being hornier on average.
99
@90- @92 is bang-on. Tie his hands the first few times. Baby steps. You don't have to go to completion right away. And you don't have to love it. Some women never will. That's okay- just being able to tolerate it enough to do it is probably fine. It doesn't have to be every time you have sex. Just often enough that your BF knows you are being GGG, especially if he is doing the same in return.
101
For those who said they wanted some help:
http://www.amazon.com/Savage-Love-Straig…
It was a big help way back when. Four quick tips that helped me.
1) You can stop anytime.
2) You're in control, his nuts are in your hands, so you control the pace of his thrusting. Keep your hand on his cock, use it for stimulation and to control the depth of his thrusting. Literally, he's in your hands and your the dominant one, he's at your mercy.
3) Attitude is everything.
4) Talk to him, ask him if he likes how your doing it, it's a way to get a break and keep the tension going. Use your hand while getting clarification.
http://www.amazon.com/Savage-Love-Straig…
It was a big help way back when. Four quick tips that helped me.
1) You can stop anytime.
2) You're in control, his nuts are in your hands, so you control the pace of his thrusting. Keep your hand on his cock, use it for stimulation and to control the depth of his thrusting. Literally, he's in your hands and your the dominant one, he's at your mercy.
3) Attitude is everything.
4) Talk to him, ask him if he likes how your doing it, it's a way to get a break and keep the tension going. Use your hand while getting clarification.
102
89, who is also 98, your argument is full of holes (and yes, I'm familiar with the citation and the field of research). I'd sit you down and do some 'splaining to you but I don't do married men. You want a more sexual partner? Go find one, or entice your wife into being one. Women ARE different from men, but it's a difference of kind and not of degree. To put it simply, the way we are wired is: the more good sex we have, the more we want. The puzzle for you about your wife (and for every woman to know about herself) is: what's good for her and how does she get it?
103
@102 - who says this is about me? My wife isn't quite like her sisters, FWIW, although I suppose I want sex a bit more than she does. This is about more general observation of heterosexual coupling.
I've heard all the arguments you'd undoubtedly put forth ... "it's just because women aren't allowed to be horny! It's because they're afraid of the slut stigma! It's because women aren't taught to be sexual! It's because the Patriarchy is keeping them down!" Fine and dandy. I'm sure all of those have effects. And, after those effects are accounted for, you're _still_ going to have a population with more horny men than horny women - it'll just be less of a differential. Not a single piece of evidence I've seen convincingly suggests otherwise.
I've heard all the arguments you'd undoubtedly put forth ... "it's just because women aren't allowed to be horny! It's because they're afraid of the slut stigma! It's because women aren't taught to be sexual! It's because the Patriarchy is keeping them down!" Fine and dandy. I'm sure all of those have effects. And, after those effects are accounted for, you're _still_ going to have a population with more horny men than horny women - it'll just be less of a differential. Not a single piece of evidence I've seen convincingly suggests otherwise.
104
i had the blowjob sexual trauma and for a good long time i really disliked giving head. i got over it slowly, a little here and there during foreplay, tying him up so i had the control. eventually i got over it and now i really do like giving head - great hair pulling face fucking head - but i also like to have sex. if my husband and i are having sex regularly i have no problem sucking him off to completion occasionally and will almost always have a bit of oral foreplay. if we are not having sex regularly (his choice not mine...) blowjob foreplay gets him a bit too excited and the sex doesn't happen or doesnt last as long as i would like.
my point- women arent the only problem in the straight couple blowjob issue.
my point- women arent the only problem in the straight couple blowjob issue.
105
Who said it's about you, 103? As far as I can tell, you did. People who are getting enough don't complain on Slog (anonymously, without even registering) about the average sex drive of whatever group their partner belongs to. Just sayin'.
106
Sure they do, attitude deviant. I'm just an argumentative little shit like that. And I'm right, to boot.
107
Flavored condoms or flavored lube cleared up most of my issues with giving head. Also some positions that made it easy.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_throatswab.… and
http://www.sexinfo101.com/fuckface.shtml
makes him do all the work but at least he gets blown for about as long as he wants.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_throatswab.… and
http://www.sexinfo101.com/fuckface.shtml
makes him do all the work but at least he gets blown for about as long as he wants.
108
the times I've said "next time" when a boyfriend wanted head were when he smelled bad. Be sure you're not stinky, and see if that's what it is. A lot of women might feel bad telling you "no, because your dick smells like stale pee and/or ball sweat," so be 100% sure that's not the underlying deterrent.
109
Or, maybe he could just be happy with the bjs she's willing to give him for his sake. He likes blowjobs. She doesn't. She's willing to do more and better ones to make him happy, despite not liking them. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that a reasonable compromise? What a spoiled brat, thats not what he wants to hear so he's still not happy?
110
@87 Before you go pointing your finger at me about my exclusion from your sisterhood, you should know I'm female.
I am right. Generally speaking, women don't have the libidos and sexuality of men. Horniness is not a competition, darling, and you don't need to flaunt it to have self worth.
I am right. Generally speaking, women don't have the libidos and sexuality of men. Horniness is not a competition, darling, and you don't need to flaunt it to have self worth.
111
@108: I don't understand. If you don't like the way someone smells, why would you go to bed with them? Smelly pits and balls are like 90% of the fun.
112
@110 -
Well, you blew me away there, Cory. I thought you had to be a man, because I thought women knew that claiming to know what all women want is just as foolish as claiming to know what all men want. Personally, I'll take cock over chocolate any day, cf. your post @77, but you're entitled to your choice. And you're right, I'm not in competition with you: my sense of self-worth is one of the sources of my sexuality, not the other way around, but thanks for your concern.
Well, you blew me away there, Cory. I thought you had to be a man, because I thought women knew that claiming to know what all women want is just as foolish as claiming to know what all men want. Personally, I'll take cock over chocolate any day, cf. your post @77, but you're entitled to your choice. And you're right, I'm not in competition with you: my sense of self-worth is one of the sources of my sexuality, not the other way around, but thanks for your concern.
113
To those of you who gave me advice, thank you very much. I will be putting it into action tonight!!!
#90
#90
114
Dan,
I usually like reading your articles and advice but this... this was lousy. Essentially "Well you aren't going to get this one thing you want *now* so go be unsatisfied and/or cheat", come on you can do better then this.
He wants to make things work or he wouldn't have tried talking to her or you about it. What about positive reenforcement (I'll do this for x amount of time if you do this for y amount of time), or making things less potentially 'ick', or something. Maybe it has been a bad experience all around for her before and she actually, you know, has reasons for not liking it; which could be resolved. And yeah, the "meh next time" wasn't good on her part, but it doesn't mean she should just be blown off.
Is this really the best advice you have for this couple? Be unhappy or cheat? Is this what you would say if she was a he?
You're better then this.
I usually like reading your articles and advice but this... this was lousy. Essentially "Well you aren't going to get this one thing you want *now* so go be unsatisfied and/or cheat", come on you can do better then this.
He wants to make things work or he wouldn't have tried talking to her or you about it. What about positive reenforcement (I'll do this for x amount of time if you do this for y amount of time), or making things less potentially 'ick', or something. Maybe it has been a bad experience all around for her before and she actually, you know, has reasons for not liking it; which could be resolved. And yeah, the "meh next time" wasn't good on her part, but it doesn't mean she should just be blown off.
Is this really the best advice you have for this couple? Be unhappy or cheat? Is this what you would say if she was a he?
You're better then this.
115
@112 This is my last post, and I'm done.
I never said anything about 'all' women - you're not paying attention to my wording. 'Generally' we live in a world where cruising, porn, and prostitution are in demand by men. Doesn't mean women don't participate or consume, but it's dominated by male interest.
It's my impression that you think yourself special whenever you're talking about your sexuality, and so you have continued to brag about yourself. Confidence can inspire a racier sex life, and I'm not saying it hasn't, but your comments also suggest the prior to me. Also, I haven't mentioned squat about my sexuality, but you've successfully jumped to the conclusion that I'm a prude. Without going into graphic detail, I'll just answer that I'm a fan of Savage Love for good reason; I ain't sitting at home every night.
But most of the women I know? Sex takes a back seat to other worldly affairs. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. These series of posts were made for them, not based on my personal feelings and experiences.
I never said anything about 'all' women - you're not paying attention to my wording. 'Generally' we live in a world where cruising, porn, and prostitution are in demand by men. Doesn't mean women don't participate or consume, but it's dominated by male interest.
It's my impression that you think yourself special whenever you're talking about your sexuality, and so you have continued to brag about yourself. Confidence can inspire a racier sex life, and I'm not saying it hasn't, but your comments also suggest the prior to me. Also, I haven't mentioned squat about my sexuality, but you've successfully jumped to the conclusion that I'm a prude. Without going into graphic detail, I'll just answer that I'm a fan of Savage Love for good reason; I ain't sitting at home every night.
But most of the women I know? Sex takes a back seat to other worldly affairs. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. These series of posts were made for them, not based on my personal feelings and experiences.
116
Oh Jeez, Cory, chill! Nobody here implied you are a prude. I am heartily sorry that I inadvertently pushed your buttons.
My point was and remains that women have a wide range of sexual levels. Personally, I'm very sexual and no, I don't think I'm rare, exceptional, or special. That I am not, is, in fact, my point.
Look at all the women posting here about how much they love sex in general and blow jobs in particular, such as 23, 24, 75, 94, 95, and 96. You say women don't do cruising or prostitution, fine. (Your assertion women don't consume porn is not tenable.) But men have longer refractory periods and don't have the fluidity that women have in choosing sexual partners. It is the rare man who is multiply orgasmic, but for women it's commonplace. By age 50 erectile dysfunction is a problem for 40% of men whereas women are still going strong. So who's sexy, and who's not here?
Look, you prefer chocolate, and I crave another kind of treat entirely. And I could not agree more: there's nothing wrong with that at all. Truce?
My point was and remains that women have a wide range of sexual levels. Personally, I'm very sexual and no, I don't think I'm rare, exceptional, or special. That I am not, is, in fact, my point.
Look at all the women posting here about how much they love sex in general and blow jobs in particular, such as 23, 24, 75, 94, 95, and 96. You say women don't do cruising or prostitution, fine. (Your assertion women don't consume porn is not tenable.) But men have longer refractory periods and don't have the fluidity that women have in choosing sexual partners. It is the rare man who is multiply orgasmic, but for women it's commonplace. By age 50 erectile dysfunction is a problem for 40% of men whereas women are still going strong. So who's sexy, and who's not here?
Look, you prefer chocolate, and I crave another kind of treat entirely. And I could not agree more: there's nothing wrong with that at all. Truce?
117
@97 and @ IYLISI, I work at Babeland and we DO teach a class on blow jobs. It is attended by a mix of women who either love it and want to learn new techniques, or who don't like but want to learn how. It is an awesome environment where women can share and discuss tips, techniques and talk about being excited or grossed out and of course, watch the teachers demonstrate techniques on bananas. People’s sexual tastes are always changing IYLISI, and just because she had a bad experience in the past and doesn’t like it now doesn’t mean she will never like it. See if she WANTS to like it, and if so she can take the class, or get one if these books: Blow Him Away or the Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, or she can just come into the store and ask questions about how to figure out what she doesn’t like about it and what she can do to change that. For example, a lot of women don’t like it because guys push on their heads. Simple solution…tie them up first ; )
118
Positive reinforcement has ICK written all over it! Dogs are much more easily MANIPULATED into enjoying something through counter-conditioning than humans (dogs are also not our equals). Dan's right; dude can't convince his gf to like it or give it an honest try or what have you. She has to want it.
My bf got used to going without or getting occasional, cursory and not very good bjs with all his previous ladyfriends until me. I don't think there was anything he could have done to change that, and he wouldn't have looked appealing if he had tried. Compatibility is key.
My bf got used to going without or getting occasional, cursory and not very good bjs with all his previous ladyfriends until me. I don't think there was anything he could have done to change that, and he wouldn't have looked appealing if he had tried. Compatibility is key.
120
I'm a straight woman who really enjoys it. I don't know if I'm any good, but I'm definitely enthusiastic and I think that goes a long way towards making it enjoyable. (or at any rate, that's the feedback I've gotten)
However for me, it's really important to be doing it of my own accord because it's sexy to do it since I feel in control while doing so. There is nothing I hate more then having my head rammed down and that's the quickest way for a dude to make me not want to give him head.
I'll never get the whole "eww, someone came in my mouth thing" it's really not bad, (it's actually kind of sexy) and I'd be pissed if anyone was ever that grossed out by the secretions I produce.
However for me, it's really important to be doing it of my own accord because it's sexy to do it since I feel in control while doing so. There is nothing I hate more then having my head rammed down and that's the quickest way for a dude to make me not want to give him head.
I'll never get the whole "eww, someone came in my mouth thing" it's really not bad, (it's actually kind of sexy) and I'd be pissed if anyone was ever that grossed out by the secretions I produce.
121
I have never forgotten the conversation I had with a group of other women at work once when we were all doing a computer move. The other women, all married, agreed unanimously that giving head was "gross" and they either had never done it, or would never do it again. I was frankly shocked, and kept questioning them to try to elicit the source of the disgust (I've never really had any kind of problem with it - humans are generally pretty oral creatures). To this day, I still don't get it. What's so icky?
One side effect of that conversation was that one of the guys working on the move (who, unbeknownst to us, was on the other side of a cubicle wall while this conversation was taking place) was much, much nicer to me afterward than he'd been before. :D
One side effect of that conversation was that one of the guys working on the move (who, unbeknownst to us, was on the other side of a cubicle wall while this conversation was taking place) was much, much nicer to me afterward than he'd been before. :D
122
I can see that most of the posters here on SLOG are pretty comfortable with oral sex and I agree that in a good relationship (of whatever duration the couple/group finds appropriate) oral sex could easily become part of an active and fulfilling sex life. But, as with other aspects of sexual practice, people are different in what they enjoy and need to feel happy and content. IYLISI is clearly proud of providing a lot of what he believes is high quality sex but it is also clear that he does not really know if his partner feels the same way about it. IYLISI appears to be pushing his partner along faster than she is willing to go. If he keeps pushing, even though his partner has stated that she has issues she needs to get past first, he may break the relationship entirely. Sometimes, and perhaps in this case, it is better to give the other person some space to reflect in order to achieve the desired outcome.
That said, I believe Julie in post 30 covered most of the ground on the "ick" some people feel about oral sex. One thing not directly mentioned, however, is the negativity within our culture that surrounds oral sex. Though some folks find the negative "bad" cultural "taboos" sexy, others may feel disrespected when the same man who asks for oral sex also peppers his speech with expressions like "that sucks" or "that blows" when they are disgusted by some momentary experience. There is an irony factor at work here in at least part of how some women respond to requests for blow jobs.
That said, I believe Julie in post 30 covered most of the ground on the "ick" some people feel about oral sex. One thing not directly mentioned, however, is the negativity within our culture that surrounds oral sex. Though some folks find the negative "bad" cultural "taboos" sexy, others may feel disrespected when the same man who asks for oral sex also peppers his speech with expressions like "that sucks" or "that blows" when they are disgusted by some momentary experience. There is an irony factor at work here in at least part of how some women respond to requests for blow jobs.
123
Wait ... there are people out there who don't like the taste of penis? Well there goes *MY* idea for a novelty icecream flavour...
124
"I'm a girl. I don't mind it, once I'm doing it, I even get kinda into it. But you know what? I procrastinate on it. My boyfriend is apparently so fearful of rejection he really never initiates anything, so it's up to me, and like a lot of things in my life, I just keep putting it off, even though I know it would make his day."
So quit being a bitch and go suck his dick.
--your mom
So quit being a bitch and go suck his dick.
--your mom
125
@34: Yeah, I've had that thought, and I'm one of those girls whose boyfriend tells her that she's either very good or mindblowingly awesome. The ego-stroking is nice, but I certainly take the compliments with a grain of salt, for all kinds of reasons.
I admit, though, I'm really puzzled by those who are *bad* at blowjobs. I know somebody commented it's easy to mess up, but I haven't found that. I mean, as long as you don't bite down on him, it can only get so bad. Right? I asked my boyfriend and he couldn't (or, possibly, wouldn't) answer me.
@111: I know what you mean. The smell is awesome. That said, on some days, it's a lot stronger or I'm just more sensitive and it can be off-putting. I find just stripping him down and letting him air out a bit while I play with him works just fine. Might not work for someone with a chronic body odour problem, but I'm guessing most guys are fairly normal in that respect.
I admit, though, I'm really puzzled by those who are *bad* at blowjobs. I know somebody commented it's easy to mess up, but I haven't found that. I mean, as long as you don't bite down on him, it can only get so bad. Right? I asked my boyfriend and he couldn't (or, possibly, wouldn't) answer me.
@111: I know what you mean. The smell is awesome. That said, on some days, it's a lot stronger or I'm just more sensitive and it can be off-putting. I find just stripping him down and letting him air out a bit while I play with him works just fine. Might not work for someone with a chronic body odour problem, but I'm guessing most guys are fairly normal in that respect.
126
I am a girl that didn't like giving head, would do it to please my partner when i had to but wasn't really into it. I used to have some issues with gagging or feeling like i couldn't breathe, and after awhile my neck or jaw would hurt and I would have to stop before he came, which made me feel kind of bad.
I really enjoy it now that I have found a good position for sucking cock that makes me feel more in control and I have no issues breathing...I make the guy sit on the couch, i kneel on a cushion or pillow on the floor between his legs and that way i have easy access to his cock and balls (I have discovered I love sucking balls-except if they are overly hairy)..I have both hands to play with him or one for him and one for myself while lick and suck....its also good in that i can easily see his face & watch his eyes roll back in his head (hehe..love when that happens)...and if I feel panicky or anything it would be very easy for me to back away out of the position (I haven't had to yet, but I know i can if I have to)
I really enjoy it now that I have found a good position for sucking cock that makes me feel more in control and I have no issues breathing...I make the guy sit on the couch, i kneel on a cushion or pillow on the floor between his legs and that way i have easy access to his cock and balls (I have discovered I love sucking balls-except if they are overly hairy)..I have both hands to play with him or one for him and one for myself while lick and suck....its also good in that i can easily see his face & watch his eyes roll back in his head (hehe..love when that happens)...and if I feel panicky or anything it would be very easy for me to back away out of the position (I haven't had to yet, but I know i can if I have to)
127
oh ya! and I love the moaning and groaning and little gasps too...it is very encouraging and gets me very excited to continue
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