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Friday, September 18, 2009

Health / ??!! Re: A Tooth for an Eye

Posted by Lindy West on Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 1:49 PM

I'm sure all of you knew this already, but I'm sharing it just in case.* I sent my mom, who is a nurse, an e-mail about old Granny Laser Eyez over here (the e-mail went something like this: "!!!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?!??!!!?!???????!?!??!?!?!?!?! EYEBALL TOOTH EYEBALL TOOTH EYEBALL TOOTH" and so on into infinity), and she sent a concise and satisfying response. After the jump.

That eyeball thing. Sounds like her problem was with her anterior eye where the cornea, lens, iris and sclera live. The retina is part of the posterior eyeball, so she didn't lose her optic nerve or retina, which would have caused permanent blindness.

Usually you can repair a lens/cornea problem with a cornea transplant (from a cadaver) and an artificial lens (plastic). But there was no healthy eye tissue to work with and no pocket (capsule) in which to place the artificial lens. So they had to use something else to hold the lens in place (the tooth) and something else to cover it with (a mucous membrane-inside of cheek) since the cornea/sclera was too scarred. Or something like that.

Maybe she should wear some of those trick eyeball glasses so she doesn't look so scary.

Love you. Mom

Well, okay then. I feel much calmer now. I don't know why the original article didn't just say that.**

*Also, I reeeally just wanted an excuse to publish the phrase, "old Granny Laser Eyez."

**It's possible that the original article did just say that, but I was pretty busy screaming and pooping my pants. Sorry.

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Lindy, can you have your mom explain Healthcare Reform to me?

Posted by bucket on September 18, 2009 at 1:55 PM

Dear Lindy - I thought I dreamed this up yesterday while taking my regular 6pm post-work disco nap, but it is so - both you and ALL THINGS CONSIDERED were channeling the EyeTooth phenomenon yesterday...

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story…

Posted by Peace Frog on September 18, 2009 at 1:59 PM

I second that request

Posted by Gordon Werner on September 18, 2009 at 2:02 PM

I think it would be a lot more entertaining to have Lindy explain health-care reform.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty

on September 18, 2009 at 2:04 PM

Your mom rocks.

Posted by Suz on September 18, 2009 at 2:06 PM

Lindy - the bottle, get control.

Posted by Zorn on September 18, 2009 at 2:14 PM

That's exactly what the original article said.

Posted by bigyaz on September 18, 2009 at 2:26 PM

Your mom should have a Stranger column.

Posted by Patti on September 18, 2009 at 2:41 PM

God. This is the best.

Posted by Meags on September 18, 2009 at 3:32 PM

I'm assuming here that "losing" the retina refers to detachment. That can be fixed by a procedure called vitrectomy. My other half was legally blind because of retinal detachment, which was corrected, to a large degree, by this procedure.

Posted by grateful_hubby on September 18, 2009 at 4:02 PM

Be carefull. She has the power to summon demons to drag you to hell now.

Posted by kathy. on September 18, 2009 at 4:44 PM

Lindy, the bottle and the bag. Yes, get help.

Posted by David van Dehooke on September 18, 2009 at 6:01 PM

I hope she doesn't get pee in it.

Posted by BenY on September 18, 2009 at 7:01 PM

wow

Posted by . on September 20, 2009 at 2:04 PM