An email exchange...

This week you posted a letter from "Feeling Fucking Frustrated" and explained to her that her insecurities have become a fetish. I think that I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend cheated on my last year, and it was terrible. But often times I find myself thinking about him and his "fuck buddy" together, and it REALLY gets me off. But then, after the getting off is over, I feel like shit for thinking about my boyfriend and the guy who almost destroyed our relationship.

You advised FFF to work with her little fetish, but do you think I should do the same? Should I let my boyfriend fuck whoever and purposely leave tracks so I will find out, cry for months and months, but have some really great orgasms? Or should I just forget about the fetish and hope it goes away?

Stuck With A Fetish

My answer, SWAF's response, my response to SWAF's response, SWAF's response to mine, etc., after the jump.

I think you should ask your boyfriend if he still wants to sleep with other people, and, if he does and if he thinks it's likely he'll stray again, then you need to consider your options. You can leave him, I suppose, or you can open up your relationship a smidge. That doesn't mean letting your boyfriend fuck whoever whenever he wants. It means that if your open your relationship just a crack, you have to be included in the fun. Threeways? Gay cuckold?

Dan

We've talked about threesome before, and we both like the idea, it's just a matter of finding someone to have a threesome with. I think that would be really fun, and I would enjoy seeing my boyfriend have sex with someone else, but while being a part of it.

And we have discussed his desire to want to be with other people, and he says that he does not have any interest in it anymore. He says that after everything that he put me (and himself) though, he is done with promiscuous sex. So, that probably won't happen. I think that threesomes or some kind of group thing is my best bet. But, like I said before, one has to find someone who is interested in a long term fuck buddy kind of thing.

You mentioned leaving him... do you really think that is something I should consider?

SWAF

No I don't think you should consider leaving him, SWAF. If you weathered this—the infidelity—and got through it, you should definitely stay together. Because the odds that it will happen again with your next partner—the odds that he will cheat or you will cheat—if you have another closed relationship are roughly 100%. So if you can forgive the boyfriend you've got now, and forgive him sincerely, and move past this, then you're better off staying in this relationship. Otherwise you'll just go through this all over again with some other guy.

As for your fetish: does the boyfriend know you beat off thinking about what he did with that other dude? Have you told him?

Dan

No. I hate to say this, after reading your column for so long and hearing you say so much about how you should just forget inhibition and be open about your sexuality, but I am scared to tell him. I feel like it would really confuse/freak him out. I mean, we had to work really hard to get past him cheating on me. So, if I were to tell him now that I actually get off thinking about him and his fuck buddy getting together... I just don't know how that would translate.

SWAF

Why did you fear being cheated on? Why were you upset about the idea of him having sex with someone else before it happened? Because you imagined it would mean—that it had to mean—that your boyfriend didn't love you or want you anymore. You feared it would mean that he had fallen for this other person and that would be the end your relationship. What have you learned since your fear was realized? Since he cheated? That it didn't mean what you feared it would. He's still in love with you, he still wants you, he's still with you. It didn't end your relationship. So now, SWAF, you're able to relax, perhaps, you're able to see the sex he had with that other person—even picture it—without it symbolizing the death of your relationship. So now when mental images of your boyfriend and his fuck buddy pop into your head... you see the man you love, a hot guy, getting it on with another hot guy. All it is now, SWAF, is sex, not the beginning of the end. And the mental images are hot because the sex isn't a threat anymore, because the "worst" already happened and you worked through it and the idea of him having sex with someone sle doesn't mean, and may never have meant, what you feared it did. So now it's less threatening and more... well... just... hot.

I think you should tell your boyfriend the truth about what's going on in your erotic imagination—and tell him you're just as nonplussed by it as he might be, but... there it is. You don't have to apologize for your reaction to the infidelity—it was still cheating, still a betrayal—but now... gee... here you are.

Dan

I never ever thought of this before, but it makes perfect sense. I never really stopped to think about why I was afraid of infidelity, and what that means now that we've experienced infidelity and we're both still here. Thanks for the fantastic advice and fresh perspective. I wish you could help me with all of my relationship problems! Have a great evening. Thanks again.

SWAF