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News & ArtsTuesday, September 8, 2009
Film You Know What, Horror Movies? You Are Fired.
Posted by Lindy West on Tue, Sep 8, 2009 at 2:54 PM
- WHY ARE YOU MAGIC!?
A brief history:
It all started with Saw II (I'm so glad they've made FOUR MORE since then!), which was, I think, only the second movie review I ever wrote for this paper (awww!):
There is nothing about this movie that I didn't hate. Saw II thinks it has something to say—some hack philosophy about yelling at your kids and being a junkie and taking life for granted—but don't be fooled. It's really just about all the worst things you can do to an eyeball.
Last year I twice confronted my discomfort, first in Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train:
Listen, horror. I've said it before. I hate literally everything about your genre. I can't abide gore unless it is camp. Cold-blooded skull squishery does not interest me, nor does Ted Raimi's eyeball blasting from its socket, nor does a human strung up and bleeding out like a slaughtered piggy. Nor monsters. It's nothing personal, I just DO NOT WANT IT IN MY AREA. Pleeeeease!
And again in local horror film Frayed:
If I were to make a list of "Feelings I Desire to Have," a few things come to mind. Comfort. Happiness. Fun times. Fright? Not on there. Terror, discomfort, the suspicion one is about to be murdered in one's own home? These don't even make the bottom 100. Not interested. But it has come to my attention that there is a segment of the population that not only relishes misery, but also is curious about what exactly it looks and sounds like when someone is beaten to death in the face with a bat. Who am I to deny those people their thrills 'n' chills?
In this week's Concessions I discuss Halloween II, a completely unnecessary piece of shitpoop movie that has finally driven me to reveal my true feelings: IT IS TIME FOR THE HORROR GENRE TO BE DECEASED MUCH LIKE A SLUTTY SORORITY GIRL IN A HORROR MOVIE WHO CLOSES THE MEDICINE CABINET. Discontinue production. Please. I am enraged.*
Anyway:
HALLOWEEN II TWO: THE HALLOWEENENING OF CURLY'S GOLD TO DEATH WITH A KNIFEDude, what a useless, steaming bucket of solid waste this franchise is. And by "franchise," I actually mean "GENRE." Maybe it's time for slasher films to be deceased? Thoughts? Since, you know, we kind of already have 45,000 identical movies in which the main plot point is a woman getting stabbed in the face with a knife to death? Do you really not have a handle on what that looks like yet? Because if—like in Roman times—we used "a woman getting stabbed in the face with a knife to death" as currency, you would already be a fucking gold-plated gazillionaire, with a woman-getting-stabbed-in-the-face-with-a-knife-to-death-shaped swimming pool at your summer palace. Get over it.
Read the rest of the thing HERE. Thoughts? Anyone?
*Of course, of course, once in a while an intelligent human has an original idea and makes an interesting movie that might involve a woman being stabbed in the face with a knife to death but is not a complete pile of worthless doodypoop (Texas Chainsaw Massacre [orig], The Descent, etc.). Also I enjoy Evil Deads 1 and 2 (fuck an Army of Darkness). Intelligent humans, feel free to keep making movies that involve ideas. Everyone else, cease and desist.
1
It's always interesting to me that in horror films, female killers are always oversexed and male killers are undersexed (c.f. Species vs. Halloween series). I think we need one where a brooding 7' man goes on a rampage that involves seducing the starting line of the Sounders one by one and then reducing their pelvic region to a fine paste of bone meal and meat goo.
Or maybe the Seahawks.
We'll call it "Seatless in Seattle".
Or maybe the Seahawks.
We'll call it "Seatless in Seattle".
4
Ian was commenting on this the other day, on how all the current glut of horror movies was just getting really boring.
I agree.
I agree.
5
I worked as a projectionist when "House of Wax" was in theaters. I got to watch Paris Hilton die by having a jagged metal pipe shoved through her face multiple times a shift. Every time I watched from the booth, people clapped and laughed.
Watching her die by pipe to the face never stopped being funny, no matter how many times I saw it. There may be an acceptation to the rule for pop culture trash. (Unfortunately, she was paid a lot of money to do this.)
Watching her die by pipe to the face never stopped being funny, no matter how many times I saw it. There may be an acceptation to the rule for pop culture trash. (Unfortunately, she was paid a lot of money to do this.)
6
What the hell's wrong with Army of Darkness? It's not a horror film like the first two but it's still loads of fun.
7
@baconcat- Ew.
@lindy-
My girlfriend is a huge horror fan, but she'd probably find some common ground with you on this point. Her favorite horror movies are the least misogynistic, and often (but not always) less gory. Mostly, she likes the classier J-horror (not the "guinea pig" films and their ilk), and the giants of western horror (the Shining, Rosemary's Baby, Jacob's Ladder, Night of the Living Dead).
She even likes the genre well enough to put up with some of that misogyny and unnecessary juice. Maybe that's part of why she likes it, deep down. But my point is... Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. In this case, baby=The Good Stuff, bathwater=All That Other Shit. Find someone you trust to preview the movie for you (Let The Right One In? Yes!) and take a chance. Send some underling to review the rest of it.
And let the genre be. The existence of movies like "Hostel" lets you know what humans to avoid (Hostel fans), if nothing else. And there's probably some ladies out there who enjoy the occasional image of demon rape, so don't let them sistas down.
@lindy-
My girlfriend is a huge horror fan, but she'd probably find some common ground with you on this point. Her favorite horror movies are the least misogynistic, and often (but not always) less gory. Mostly, she likes the classier J-horror (not the "guinea pig" films and their ilk), and the giants of western horror (the Shining, Rosemary's Baby, Jacob's Ladder, Night of the Living Dead).
She even likes the genre well enough to put up with some of that misogyny and unnecessary juice. Maybe that's part of why she likes it, deep down. But my point is... Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. In this case, baby=The Good Stuff, bathwater=All That Other Shit. Find someone you trust to preview the movie for you (Let The Right One In? Yes!) and take a chance. Send some underling to review the rest of it.
And let the genre be. The existence of movies like "Hostel" lets you know what humans to avoid (Hostel fans), if nothing else. And there's probably some ladies out there who enjoy the occasional image of demon rape, so don't let them sistas down.
9
This is hilarious because it's so true! I agree with you 100% and have felt this way for many years.
11
@7 "Let The Right One In" is fucking awesome. I agree, see this movie. In Blu-ray if possible. Great and beautifully shot.
12
I think you're confusing "Horror" with "Slasher."
Horror movies deal with unsettling, usually paranormal, scenarios where reality isn't operating quite like it should. They are typically deeply psychological and often use symbolism and art direction heavily to unsettle the viewer, rather than quick camera cuts, or medicine cabinet mirrors. The Shining, Poltergeist, The Omen, Excorcist, Children of the Corn, The Fly, etc.
You'll note the examples I cited were from the 70's and 80's. There has not been a good, original Horror film in quite sometime. Even films that purport to be horror these days are either remakes of earlier horror films, or they are really just Slasher films in the guise of Horror. Essentially the Slasher film dyed it's hair brown and put on glasses so it would look smart.
Slasher movies deal with some guy who goes around killing people (mainly a man with sexual issues killing mostly women). They are actually designed by directors to include formulaic homages to other preexisting slasher films. There are a group of people fixated on this cult of rehashing the same formula over and over again, and which rehashes are superior to others. The results are largely parodic, and contrived. People who like the Slasher genre WANT their movies to be parodic and contrived. They're never really scary to begin with. The movies typically go over the top on gore, and fetishize how much gore you see on the screen.
Hating Saw (all of them) is perfectly fine by me, but please don't dump on The Shining because of it.
Horror movies deal with unsettling, usually paranormal, scenarios where reality isn't operating quite like it should. They are typically deeply psychological and often use symbolism and art direction heavily to unsettle the viewer, rather than quick camera cuts, or medicine cabinet mirrors. The Shining, Poltergeist, The Omen, Excorcist, Children of the Corn, The Fly, etc.
You'll note the examples I cited were from the 70's and 80's. There has not been a good, original Horror film in quite sometime. Even films that purport to be horror these days are either remakes of earlier horror films, or they are really just Slasher films in the guise of Horror. Essentially the Slasher film dyed it's hair brown and put on glasses so it would look smart.
Slasher movies deal with some guy who goes around killing people (mainly a man with sexual issues killing mostly women). They are actually designed by directors to include formulaic homages to other preexisting slasher films. There are a group of people fixated on this cult of rehashing the same formula over and over again, and which rehashes are superior to others. The results are largely parodic, and contrived. People who like the Slasher genre WANT their movies to be parodic and contrived. They're never really scary to begin with. The movies typically go over the top on gore, and fetishize how much gore you see on the screen.
Hating Saw (all of them) is perfectly fine by me, but please don't dump on The Shining because of it.
13
@8 Too Self Aware? Lindy Fucking West is complaining about something being TOO self aware? Irony must be dead.
15
Lindy West, I am no longer in love with you now that I know that you dislike things that are aware of themselves.
17
The NYT did yeoman's work trying to justify the genre's continued existence a couple of days ago:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/movies…
That's where I learned that it's not misogynistic as long as one of the ladies survives to the sequel. Where she will probably be killed before the title card. I don't have any particular hopes for Jennifer's Body, but it would be swell to be surprised.
I think I'd put Death Proof on the list of exceptions.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/movies…
That's where I learned that it's not misogynistic as long as one of the ladies survives to the sequel. Where she will probably be killed before the title card. I don't have any particular hopes for Jennifer's Body, but it would be swell to be surprised.
I think I'd put Death Proof on the list of exceptions.
18
99% of horror films are shit, it's true. But that 1% contains some of the most enjoyable films ever made.
I do share your distaste for Army of Darkness though. That movie's such a huge step down from Evil Dead II.
I do share your distaste for Army of Darkness though. That movie's such a huge step down from Evil Dead II.
19
Totally agree, but it's probably fair to say the horror genre bumps out a decent movie at about the same rate as every other genre.
20
It's too bad that the Saw series made so much money - now all horror movies suck like Saw. Before that is was the long string of "dead wet girl" horror (The Ring, Dark Water, etc.), which at least weren't as sadistic, but the premises were all retarded.
I wouldn't dismiss the genre as a whole, though. It's always nice when a real director decides to take on the genre, like Roman Polanski did with Rosemary's Baby, or Kubrick with The Shining, or Spielberg with Duel.
I agree with @11 about Let the Right One In - best horror movie I've seen in years.
I wouldn't dismiss the genre as a whole, though. It's always nice when a real director decides to take on the genre, like Roman Polanski did with Rosemary's Baby, or Kubrick with The Shining, or Spielberg with Duel.
I agree with @11 about Let the Right One In - best horror movie I've seen in years.
21
Have to agree that Army of Darkness was kind of cool, especially the Necronomicon references and it's self-mocking attitude.
22
This Entertainment Weekly post is kind of gross -- chicks like horror movies so they can hold on to their byfs, but it does point out that women apparently buy more horror movie tickets than men:
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20293304…
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20293304…
23
The SAW movies are just terrible. I can't watch anything that's just people being tortured, and unfortunately that's the new hot trend in horror.
24
Tell you what: Pay for my ticket, I'll write your horror movie review, you add in some Lindy-isms, and the boss is none the wiser. Perfect crime!
25
i love love love horror movies and the original halloween series in particular, it's fun, it's commercial, some people like predictable. i love that you can't stop them, they just keep going, and going, the characters and the franchises. they're not at all concerned with "art" which in film translates to bore. lighten up. give the task to someone who likes the genre.
27
Oh go fuck yourself. That's all I have. Horror movies have a real and important place in cinema and cinema history.
28
Movies on the horror self that I like:
May
Nightwatch and Daywatch
Black Sabbath (probably a bunch more classics I can't think of at the moment)
Let the Right One In
Pitch Black (guilty pleasure)
Cloverfield
The Happening
But I agree, horror genre sucks. My recommendation, a detox with actual good horror movies and never look back at the rest.
May
Nightwatch and Daywatch
Black Sabbath (probably a bunch more classics I can't think of at the moment)
Let the Right One In
Pitch Black (guilty pleasure)
Cloverfield
The Happening
But I agree, horror genre sucks. My recommendation, a detox with actual good horror movies and never look back at the rest.
31
Are slasher films formulaic? Absolutely.
But so are romantic comedies, summer action blockbusters, zombie films, apatow-style comedies, and pretty much every other studio film.
I don't like chick flicks. They all seem to have the same exact plot points. But here's the thing. A lot of people do. For me to suggest they abandon a working formula just because it doesn't appeal to me would be ludicrous.
A lot of people like slasher films. They're big money. And you think they should abandon everything that's working for them just because YOU don't like them?
But so are romantic comedies, summer action blockbusters, zombie films, apatow-style comedies, and pretty much every other studio film.
I don't like chick flicks. They all seem to have the same exact plot points. But here's the thing. A lot of people do. For me to suggest they abandon a working formula just because it doesn't appeal to me would be ludicrous.
A lot of people like slasher films. They're big money. And you think they should abandon everything that's working for them just because YOU don't like them?
32
I don't think you can write off horror all together, there is too much variety and difference in horror to punch in it's collective face and be done, you'd be doing a disservice to your self. With the good comes a lot of bad unfortunately. Being a film reviewer, I figure you've been aware of and know that Rob Zombies re-imagining of a classic like Halloween is a fallacy and doomed to fail. Especially since Rob said he'd never to a re-make, and why mess with a classic, etc.
Horror is different for everyone, some like it for the pure scare factor, or the shock or gore, some like the tongue in cheek humor horror or the psychological aspect or the biting commentary on society, or just to be put in an unfamiliar mood and moved by it. The unfortunate result of the slasher genre within horror is it's limited by the term "slasher" and often forgets to involve the mystery aspect that the original Italian Giallo (Yellow - Italian crime-fiction genre headed by directors such as Mario Bava, Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento and Sergio Martino to name a few), where mystery, paranoia and crime drama with a shocking end were key elements with extended or graphic slasher scenes. These were crime pulp of the time (at least when it gained much popularity in the 60's) and where meant to be shocking and different. What America has done with the genre is altogether a different beast, and doesn't always work or translate and has been watered down to a kill fest by the numbers.
That being said there are too many genres within genres of horror to write it all off. You know there are undeniable good and great horror films, and having seen the snipits of reviews you chose to use as examples, it's clear you are not a fan of horror films in general, and you'd rather use the medium as an escape from your day to day routines. Peop0le go to see film for all kinds of reasons, to be entertained, to be shocked, to be educated, to be sad, to think a little deeper, view art in movement, all reasons to view film are valid. It's often a passive experience and to be surprised while watching a film is always a bonus.
Regarding the horror genre, you either have to do your homework and be selective or or just get stabbed in the face with a cinematic knife over and over and over...
More...
Horror is different for everyone, some like it for the pure scare factor, or the shock or gore, some like the tongue in cheek humor horror or the psychological aspect or the biting commentary on society, or just to be put in an unfamiliar mood and moved by it. The unfortunate result of the slasher genre within horror is it's limited by the term "slasher" and often forgets to involve the mystery aspect that the original Italian Giallo (Yellow - Italian crime-fiction genre headed by directors such as Mario Bava, Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento and Sergio Martino to name a few), where mystery, paranoia and crime drama with a shocking end were key elements with extended or graphic slasher scenes. These were crime pulp of the time (at least when it gained much popularity in the 60's) and where meant to be shocking and different. What America has done with the genre is altogether a different beast, and doesn't always work or translate and has been watered down to a kill fest by the numbers.
That being said there are too many genres within genres of horror to write it all off. You know there are undeniable good and great horror films, and having seen the snipits of reviews you chose to use as examples, it's clear you are not a fan of horror films in general, and you'd rather use the medium as an escape from your day to day routines. Peop0le go to see film for all kinds of reasons, to be entertained, to be shocked, to be educated, to be sad, to think a little deeper, view art in movement, all reasons to view film are valid. It's often a passive experience and to be surprised while watching a film is always a bonus.
Regarding the horror genre, you either have to do your homework and be selective or or just get stabbed in the face with a cinematic knife over and over and over...
33
There's a lot of missing the point here. When we look at the merit of mathematical word problems, we don't care about characters, theme, plot development, etc. like we would in a short story. We don't look for meter, rhyme, cadence, etc. like we might in a poem. Similarly, we don't expect Shakespeare from our porn.
Slasher/sadism flicks like Saw aren't about the things you seem to be looking for or value in movies, they're about titillation for a specific audience who's into that sort of thing. Like porn, its great for many, but for others its pointless, disgusting, and they'd be just as well if it were expunged from society.
Slasher/sadism flicks like Saw aren't about the things you seem to be looking for or value in movies, they're about titillation for a specific audience who's into that sort of thing. Like porn, its great for many, but for others its pointless, disgusting, and they'd be just as well if it were expunged from society.
34
Lindy I'm with you. I love me some good suspense, and I don't even mind being scared. I agree with your horror caveats, and camp is one of my favorite things ever.
But gore and bone-cracking and evisceration and eye-ball popping and slashing and sadism and lady-stabbed-in-the-face-to-deathing can suck it. Blood for the sake of blood is boring and nauseating.
But gore and bone-cracking and evisceration and eye-ball popping and slashing and sadism and lady-stabbed-in-the-face-to-deathing can suck it. Blood for the sake of blood is boring and nauseating.
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