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News & ArtsWednesday, September 2, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Sep 2, 2009 at 2:00 PM
As a 43 year-old gay guy I recently had my first GGG spanking experience and I am now feeling extreme guilt and self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything remotely kinky but I've always had an interest in spanking.Long story short: I answered a personal ad, went to this guys house and let him paddle me (he had alot of spanking equipment). I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel just awful. It's not the spanking itself but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is just not my thing as I just am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I honestly feel like I've let myself down, like I dropped my standards and I fear I'm sliding down that slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I've never wanted to be one of "those guys." I know that sounds judgemental but it's how I feel and it's killing me.
Right now I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I feel like puking all the time. I can't talk to any of my friends about this as I'm too embarassed. Please help put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for any STIs? Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I'm not exagerating here and I really do need someone to talk to about this.
Shouldn't Want Anonymous Thrashings
There's no way you contracted an STI during that spanking session, SWAT. So just calm down, okay?
Look, SWAT, you lived a little, you had a sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side, and you learned something important about yourself in the process: having your kink indulged isn't enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love, and by someone who loves you. That's just how you're wired. And luckily for you there are lots of good, decent single gay guys out there who are into spanking and interested in having a loving, committed relationship.
Don't believe me, SWAT? YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and you'll might meet other guys like you.
1
I'm guessing this guy had a conservative, religious upbringing. He is a delicate flower, and he truly needs to get out in the world some more. Maybe therapy can help him with his severe shame issues.
2
Maybe he can meet someone at Pony on Thursday if he's local? Just sayin', I know some paddlers who'll be there.
3
STI not, but what about Swine Flu.
All that hand on butt action definitely infected this guy and now he's brought it home to his family and kids and neighbors.
Goes to show -- stay on the Internet people, and don't leave your homes.
All that hand on butt action definitely infected this guy and now he's brought it home to his family and kids and neighbors.
Goes to show -- stay on the Internet people, and don't leave your homes.
5
Yes, SWAT, you're a filthy, disgusting pervert, and you should definitely kill yourself right away.
8
Dan, I have to ask if people really get this upset over something like this? A single hook-up for a single kinky encounter? This defines "gateway" for them? Seriously, I'm shocked if that's true.
10
Here's what he needs to do. Book a cruise. Take a break. You're just a human. Relax. You didn't hurt anyone, not even yourself. In fact, you seemingly liked it. So, do it again. Get over the fact you're not "perfect" (whatever that is). You gave control to someone else and it felt good. So, do it again.
11
Does an identity crisis count as a psychological STI? Cause you can DEFINITELY get that from just a spanking.
12
"you might meet other guys like you." last line
It doesn't bother me personally, but right after your previous post, it doesn't look great to have you slipping into typos yourself. :P
It doesn't bother me personally, but right after your previous post, it doesn't look great to have you slipping into typos yourself. :P
13
Spanking and feelings of self worth are definitely connected. The whole point of a spanking is to demonstrate to a child that he is "bad". People who like to be spanked are trying to normalize the abuse they suffered as a child.
14
Everttattebury, dont't agree with your assessment of the situation. It's just another way to explore your sexuality. Dan's response was right on target. Stop beating yourself up - take a risk, let your partner it turns you on, and go for it. What have you got to lose? You found out something cool about yourself - so go with it. No one cares but you.
15
Hello ,
You are not the first person to jump into the deep end first . May I suggest next time , if there is a next time , that you do a little research on spanking and talk with the person who is to spank you first . Delinking sex and spanking may help . There is more on our site and Blog , including links to some M/M sites .
Many people enjoy spanking and they are fairly easy to meet on the net . Google " Online Dating Safety " before making contact . Finally there is a small risk of infection if hands are not washed and implements are not properly cleaned .
Spankoz
You are not the first person to jump into the deep end first . May I suggest next time , if there is a next time , that you do a little research on spanking and talk with the person who is to spank you first . Delinking sex and spanking may help . There is more on our site and Blog , including links to some M/M sites .
Many people enjoy spanking and they are fairly easy to meet on the net . Google " Online Dating Safety " before making contact . Finally there is a small risk of infection if hands are not washed and implements are not properly cleaned .
Spankoz
18
Praise Jesus for urbandictionary.com. "Good, giving and game." After I forgot what it stood for, I couldn't help thinking "Grinning, greased and gassed" every time I saw the abbreviation.
19
Dan I think your answer was great. This dude needs to give himself a break. If he didn't do this he would never have learnt so much about himself, and what makes him feel good (spanking) and bad (anonymous encounters). In the long run this is a very valuable experience.
20
It's been brought up before, and again here, though mildly, that we tend to fixate on the STIs that are communicated through sexual encounters, but not so much the pathogens that can be transmitted by more ways than membrane to membrane contact. Genital warts are mostly transmitted through sexual contact, but plenty of other strains out there which produce cutaneous warts can be transmitted though a handshake or a dirty telephone.
Some forms of HSV are just as contagious. Colds and influenzas, more so.
But this is not to say we should all stay home and copulate only by internet; As I was once advised by a fine dining waitress, life is risk, and kissing that hot guy / girl is sometimes worth that risk (because the risk is that low, or he / she is that hot). Restaurant food is also risky; steak tartare and fugu, especially so. So is riding the bus, crossing the street or driving Highway 101 while listening to Don Henley (or DJ Sammy).
Ultimately, I think this is the premise of the failure and eventual downfall of abstinence only sex education (or any other agenda that discourages non-reproductive sexuality): many of our young people realize, even if only subconsciously, that life without intimate contact is so much more miserable than life with it, to the point that their drives overwhelm any reservations they might have concerning disease, social pressure or Hellfire.
More...
Some forms of HSV are just as contagious. Colds and influenzas, more so.
But this is not to say we should all stay home and copulate only by internet; As I was once advised by a fine dining waitress, life is risk, and kissing that hot guy / girl is sometimes worth that risk (because the risk is that low, or he / she is that hot). Restaurant food is also risky; steak tartare and fugu, especially so. So is riding the bus, crossing the street or driving Highway 101 while listening to Don Henley (or DJ Sammy).
Ultimately, I think this is the premise of the failure and eventual downfall of abstinence only sex education (or any other agenda that discourages non-reproductive sexuality): many of our young people realize, even if only subconsciously, that life without intimate contact is so much more miserable than life with it, to the point that their drives overwhelm any reservations they might have concerning disease, social pressure or Hellfire.
21
SWAT:
You enjoy vanilla gay sex with a guy you are in relationship with. You have long desired to be spanked. You do not like spankings in an anonymous context.
Despite what Mr. Savage says, it does not necessarily follow that you will enjoy being spanked by a guy you are a relationship with. I agree with Mr. Savage that you should explore being spanked in a relationship, but brace yourself for the possibility that the shame you now feel is not only due to the anonymity of your encounter, but also due to your submitting to a spanking at all. This is, after all, a kink that you have had for a long time but not allowed yourself to indulge in.
If I am right, then either:
1) Before you get another boyfriend, try to come to grips with why you feel ashamed to be spanked. You don't have to magically make this shame go away, but you have to deal with it on some level. Sometimes the shame can be part of the excitement once you look it in the eye.
2) Pray that you get lucky enough to land a boyfriend who is willing and able to work through this stuff with you.
If you just jump in like Mr. Savage told you, you run the risk of meeting a cool guy, having him spank you, then screw up the budding relationship because you are yet again ashamed of being spanked and the sight of your new guy reminds you of this shame.
Good luck. It's not too late to get what you want!
You enjoy vanilla gay sex with a guy you are in relationship with. You have long desired to be spanked. You do not like spankings in an anonymous context.
Despite what Mr. Savage says, it does not necessarily follow that you will enjoy being spanked by a guy you are a relationship with. I agree with Mr. Savage that you should explore being spanked in a relationship, but brace yourself for the possibility that the shame you now feel is not only due to the anonymity of your encounter, but also due to your submitting to a spanking at all. This is, after all, a kink that you have had for a long time but not allowed yourself to indulge in.
If I am right, then either:
1) Before you get another boyfriend, try to come to grips with why you feel ashamed to be spanked. You don't have to magically make this shame go away, but you have to deal with it on some level. Sometimes the shame can be part of the excitement once you look it in the eye.
2) Pray that you get lucky enough to land a boyfriend who is willing and able to work through this stuff with you.
If you just jump in like Mr. Savage told you, you run the risk of meeting a cool guy, having him spank you, then screw up the budding relationship because you are yet again ashamed of being spanked and the sight of your new guy reminds you of this shame.
Good luck. It's not too late to get what you want!
22
I honestly feel like I've let myself down, like I dropped my standards and I fear I'm sliding down that slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I've never wanted to be one of "those guys." I know that sounds judgemental but it's how I feel and it's killing me.
Sounds like somebody deserves another spanking!
24
Sounds to me like this guy (SWAT) has self esteem issues and is repressing something. He seems afraid that if he indulges his spank fetish that he will magically become Charles Manson - not a healthy thing.
SWAT find someone to talk to about this..... Get a friend, buy a friend, see a shrink, go see a sex worker who specializes in this and ONLY TALK. It might help you sort out your feelings.
SWAT find someone to talk to about this..... Get a friend, buy a friend, see a shrink, go see a sex worker who specializes in this and ONLY TALK. It might help you sort out your feelings.
25
Perhaps one should see this as a branding problem. "Spanking" lacks gravitas, class. Instead, why not call it "Tynanism"? A touch of distinction, if not greatness. Or something less stuffy, more athletic and healthy-minded: "Putting Kenneth in the pink, in the end."
26
I'm thinking about that spanking Top. It seems to me either one of two things was the case.
A) SWAT kinda behaved badly by dashing for the door as soon as he shot his load. That man didn't just do your dry cleaning, you had an intimate BDSM encounter with him.
B) The spanking TOP wasn't a very good Top. BDSM can be awfully powerful, and if someone is freaked out by the scene you've just done, a good Top will create safety and space so the bottom can sort things out a little bit and come to some understanding of what it all means. (This ensures repeats.)
BDSM involves risk, trust, courage, vulnerability, and responsibility in ways that go beyond what you'd find in vanilla sex.
A) SWAT kinda behaved badly by dashing for the door as soon as he shot his load. That man didn't just do your dry cleaning, you had an intimate BDSM encounter with him.
B) The spanking TOP wasn't a very good Top. BDSM can be awfully powerful, and if someone is freaked out by the scene you've just done, a good Top will create safety and space so the bottom can sort things out a little bit and come to some understanding of what it all means. (This ensures repeats.)
BDSM involves risk, trust, courage, vulnerability, and responsibility in ways that go beyond what you'd find in vanilla sex.
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