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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Books Useless Books I Have Gotten in the Mail, Part 5

Posted by Paul Constant on Tue, Aug 25, 2009 at 3:19 PM

What's the book? The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By by Jeff Wilser

Why is it useless? It's the sort of pointless glorification of manhood that only a deskbound wannabe writer would commit to paper. Some rules: "No classes at the gym," "Man the grill," "No baths," "Cockblock and die," "Your dog must be larger than a toaster," "Unhook the bra without help," and "Dance only under duress." It gives advice about hitting on girls: Treat it like weight-lifting! Ask an ugly girl out first. "...hit on a girl who's emphatically less good-looking than you. Get her number (without asking for it, obviously). Next time, try someone a little less pudgy, then a girl who's almost cute, then a girl you'll actually want to call. Like making sausage, the process of romance isn't pretty."

Could anyone enjoy this book? I guess assholes could enjoy this book. But the kind of assholes who would enjoy this book don't read, so you've got a real catch-22 there, Mr. Wilser.

Comments (23) RSS

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"No classes at the gym"? Well, that's a surefire way to derail the efforts of a large percentage of your readers, there, Mr. Wilser. Classes are a great way to break up the monotony of a multi-month routine and can help prevent a stultifying and self-defeating plateau.

And besides, I've seen more than a few classes where the charming and attractive straight guy picks up the athletic hottie instructor because she's "just soooo impressed" that he was using her class to smash through a plateau with a little variation.

Posted by Baconcat on August 25, 2009 at 3:28 PM

just remember paul, no press is bad press.....

Posted by montgomery sun on August 25, 2009 at 3:29 PM

Was this on George Soldini's bookshelf, right next to the Love Guru's book? After all, he didn't go to the gym for any classes...

Posted by Chris in Vancouver WA on August 25, 2009 at 3:35 PM

I imagine most of this book's sales are as gift items, the sort of well intentioned but poorly chosen gesture some men might purchase for a less traditionally masculine friend or family member.

Kind of like a post-pubescent version of "The Daring Book for Boys," another widely gifted but rarely read user's guide to the Y-chromosome.

Posted by Ackham on August 25, 2009 at 3:38 PM

"Man the grill..."

Shoot me now, please. People BUY this stuff?

Posted by Will Penguin on August 25, 2009 at 3:41 PM

RE: #4: Correction - "The DANGEROUS Book for Boys."

I believe "Daring" was used for the girl book.

Posted by Ackham on August 25, 2009 at 3:45 PM

The small dog thing is B.S. too. My husband could be getting so much pussy because of our 9 lb Italian Greyhound.
Chicks hit on on him all the time in the small doggy park...BUT NEVER when he walks our 3 bigger dogs..
Hmmmmm

Posted by julie russell

on August 25, 2009 at 3:46 PM

This book seems like the literary equivalent of Enzyte.

Posted by jnmend on August 25, 2009 at 3:54 PM

@1,

Not to mention that many of those classes are packed with women. It's hilarious that the anxious masculinity types are so terrified of doing anything "girly." Where/when do they actually meet any women?

Posted by keshmeshi on August 25, 2009 at 4:03 PM

Given the fact that classes at the gym are essential to learning proper weightlifting techniques, tae kwon do, karate, and kendo - this is obviously a totally useless book written by one of those insane Birther Tin Foil brigade fifth columnists that hates America.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on August 25, 2009 at 4:07 PM

Have to say, Paul, I'm really enjoying these posts. Reminds me exactly of the downside of working in a bookstore back in the day; for each amazing book that comes out in a given year, there are usually a dozen more that simply never should have gotten past the "hey, what do you think about this idea?" stage.

Posted by bookworm on August 25, 2009 at 4:08 PM

Let's not forget maxim #80 (pg. 175): "Have At Least One Very Good Gay Friend". Why? Because he'll find the right girls for you, give you good fashion tips, and tell you like it is. Also, [y]our gay friend also provides the "Get out of intolerance free card."

Yep. The message is simple here: use a gay guy to your benefit, not as a friend. Oh, and feel free to spew off a few "faggots" here and there, because, hey, you have a gay friend! It's all good!

I know it's a joke, but seriously, fuck this book.

Posted by Lacking Creativity

on August 25, 2009 at 4:20 PM

@1, 9 : Similarly, "dance under duress" is sad, sad advice. Not only is dancing fantastic for you, liberating, amazing when done with a partner, proof of good rhythm (wink, wink), but the men I know who dance well get tons of attention.
As George Bernard Shaw pointed out: Dancing [is] the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music. And I'm down with legalization...

Posted by treacle on August 25, 2009 at 4:26 PM

@13 - agree. there are tons of women who want men who dance.

Sadly, they think the gay guys who dance are straight, but oh well ...

Posted by Will in Seattle

on August 25, 2009 at 4:58 PM

The end result of all this is being able to go out with ugly chicks?

Posted by Supreme Ruler Of The Universe

on August 25, 2009 at 5:04 PM

The Maxims sound like the author's attempt to increase his own possible dating pool by making sure no sane woman ever lets any imbecile who actually lives by the Maxims anywhere near her. "Yeah, yeah, let yourself be fat and sullen and unpleasant, that's the ticket! Only ask out the really ugly girls!"

Posted by Geni on August 25, 2009 at 5:33 PM

Eh, it's just the male version of "The Rules". They simply need to put all these people together in a small room and let them pair off, to spare the rest of society their obnoxiousness.

Posted by emma's bee on August 25, 2009 at 6:13 PM

@17: I endorse this proposition.

Posted by Gloria on August 25, 2009 at 8:39 PM

Did someone actually write this book or did it simply form itself through some sort of cultural condensation? Hmm, "cultural condensation" -- feel free to use that one, peoples.

Posted by Quincy on August 25, 2009 at 9:02 PM