Listen, you guys because I, Lindy West, am going to level with you. I am DRUNK. I was out until a million o'clock drinking because of this election situation. You know? So please forgive these jokes. BECAUSE WHAT DAY IS IT? TEQUILA! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Anyway, here's what happened:

No Skinny Jeans. SECB kicked out of Susan Hutchison's victory situation.

Do You Mean Feng LOSER? Greg Nickels blames loss on feng shui.

The Kennedys of Fremont. Mike O'Brien hands out eggs fresh from his chicken's butt!!!

It's Like Gay Penguins and Childbirth. Girls just like saying "WOOOOOOO" so fuck off.

I Wish They Meant Jimmy. Buffett forecasts "slow path" to U.S. economic recovery.

I Blame Feng Shui. Violence in pre-election Afghanistan.

FURCK! Doooooood the hijackers were going to kill everyone and stuff!!!!!

We Love Eating Plastic Fish. MORE PLASTIC FIIIIIISH FOR OUR FOOD!!! Bag tax crushed.

McWinn. Look at him! Look at his little beard!

"Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence." A bunch of insane quotes from stardancer Tom Delay.

You Mock My Pain! Robin Wright Penn files for divorce.

How I Feel Right Now. Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.