Here's a version updated for Stranger sensibilities:

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you
been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my hormonal
injections caused my boobs to flop out of my shirt."

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He's telling a
dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands.
"What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. "You keep
out of this!" she yells. "I'm talking to God!"

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God
by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks. God says, "No. You have 30 more
years to live." With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make
the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast
implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen
injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she's discharged, she
exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is
immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God.
"You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That's true,"
says God. "So what happened?" God shrugs. "I like to fuck with people."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So
they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I
read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next
week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the
minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that
he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying
on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't
have started with the anal rape."

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their
vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's
first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad." Ten
years later, he says, "Bed hard." It's the big day, a decade later. He
gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit." "I'm not
surprised," the head monk says. "Your anus has been feeling really
rough lately."

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks
the dog. "I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps
rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I
spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." The guy is
flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to
get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because I
hate America!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not
breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls 911. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I
do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay,
now what lube do I use?"

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the
police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies,
"I don't know, but my anus feels all slimy."

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played
backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also
backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery
worker. "It's Reagan," says the worker. "He's being dug up for 2012."

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly
unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean,
my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. "I can't,"
says the poodle. "I'll just go beat off."