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Friday, August 14, 2009

Reader's Digest Got Jokes!

Posted by on Fri, Aug 14, 2009 at 4:07 PM

jokes.jpg


For your consideration: "The Top Ten Jokes in America"

 

Comments (27) RSS

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Max Solomon 1
every impulse to blog need not be indulged.
Posted by Max Solomon on August 14, 2009 at 4:13 PM
Josh Bomb 2
that is an extremely flattering hairstyle for a horse.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on August 14, 2009 at 4:15 PM
Josh Bomb 3
Lindy, I would like to take this opportunity to encourage your impulses.
Posted by Josh Bomb http://www.satanosphere.com on August 14, 2009 at 4:17 PM
Baconcat 4
That cover looks like something off of http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse…
Posted by Baconcat on August 14, 2009 at 4:19 PM
5
None of those jokes were funny.
Posted by Juris on August 14, 2009 at 4:21 PM
6
That talking dog joke gets me every time.
Posted by Luckier on August 14, 2009 at 4:27 PM
7
LOL
Posted by joel on August 14, 2009 at 4:36 PM
pissy mcslogbot 8
from the always brilliant laffy taffy crew:

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse

Posted by pissy mcslogbot on August 14, 2009 at 4:37 PM
erin 9
i am quite a fan of bad, clean jokes. i love reader's digest for providing them to me. i am not ashamed.
Posted by erin on August 14, 2009 at 4:39 PM
Irena 10
A good joke is all in the telling. I did like the one about the turtle, though. It reminded me of this one:

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

A year goes by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!"
Posted by Irena on August 14, 2009 at 4:45 PM
Fnarf 11
@10, that's a good one! I enjoyed "Make Sure" as well.
Posted by Fnarf http://www.facebook.com/fnarf on August 14, 2009 at 4:47 PM
leek 12
I sorta liked the ventriloquist one. Guess I somehow avoided ever hearing it before.

Posted by leek on August 14, 2009 at 5:18 PM
rob! 13
@2, tip o' the hat due to Mamie Eisenhower.
Posted by rob! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZBdUceCL5U on August 14, 2009 at 5:45 PM
Urgutha Forka 14
Reader's Digest is like a book version of Family Circus.
Posted by Urgutha Forka on August 14, 2009 at 6:28 PM
Ride That Bullet Train To Vegas 15
@14 Indeed.
Posted by Ride That Bullet Train To Vegas http://welcometoflavorcountry.wordpress.com on August 14, 2009 at 7:14 PM
brandon 16
Oh please, that damned book is a comedy black hole. All its for is old people with dementia who don't want to be shocked or disturbed in the slightest way and good christian hypocrite mothers who implore us to just think of the children.

Carl Reiner: So I asked George Burns, what do I have to look forward to in my sex life when I get older

George Burns: Well, imagine trying to stuff an Oyster in a slot-machine.

Take that Readers Digest.
Posted by brandon on August 14, 2009 at 9:43 PM
Partly Cloudy 17
@9, I concur... a guilty pleasure.
Posted by Partly Cloudy on August 14, 2009 at 10:04 PM
18
@16
My mom was an oncologist. Once while counseling a woman in her 80's, she told the patient and her husband that one potential side effect of chemo could be a loss of libido and was that going to be an issue for them? The elderly woman replied, "Oh dear, it's kind of you to ask. But at our age it's like trying to stuff a marshmallow into a Coke bottle."

That always cracks me up.
Posted by Smartypants on August 14, 2009 at 10:28 PM
19
OMG! Reader's Digest is totally right! women are silly!
Posted by new here on August 14, 2009 at 11:31 PM
20
Ba-DUM-bum, pshhhh.
Posted by rubus on August 15, 2009 at 12:56 AM
TVDinner 21
These jokes are soon to be compiled into an email with large, pink font and forwarded to me by every relative over 50.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on August 15, 2009 at 6:16 AM
22
@16 -- I was totally annoyed at myself for even reading this post, ten of the lamest jokes I've ever yawned at, and my own damned fault because I loathe everything there is to loathe about Reader's Digest. Even the comments were mostly a waste of time, ...until I got to yours!

Thank you! Thanks for passing on that honestly funny, laugh-out-loud winner! *gasp* *wheeze*
Posted by Brooklyn Reader on August 16, 2009 at 11:52 AM
23
Fish sticks?
Posted by RobotRevolution on August 17, 2009 at 8:26 AM
Superfrankenstein 24
What did the altar boy say to the abortionist?
Posted by Superfrankenstein http://twitter.com/TomPeyer on August 17, 2009 at 10:47 AM
Fifty-Two-Eighty 25
Oh, and by the way: Reader's Digest? Bankrupt.
http://www.reuters.com/article/ousiv/idU…
Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty http://www.nra.org on August 17, 2009 at 10:54 AM
26
Here's a version updated for Stranger sensibilities:

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you
been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my hormonal
injections caused my boobs to flop out of my shirt."

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He's telling a
dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands.
"What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. "You keep
out of this!" she yells. "I'm talking to God!"

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God
by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks. God says, "No. You have 30 more
years to live." With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make
the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast
implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen
injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she's discharged, she
exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is
immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God.
"You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That's true,"
says God. "So what happened?" God shrugs. "I like to fuck with people."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So
they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I
read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next
week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the
minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that
he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying
on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't
have started with the anal rape."

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their
vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's
first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad." Ten
years later, he says, "Bed hard." It's the big day, a decade later. He
gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit." "I'm not
surprised," the head monk says. "Your anus has been feeling really
rough lately."

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks
the dog. "I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps
rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I
spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." The guy is
flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to
get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because I
hate America!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not
breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell
phone and calls 911. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I
do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay,
now what lube do I use?"

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the
police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies,
"I don't know, but my anus feels all slimy."

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played
backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also
backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery
worker. "It's Reagan," says the worker. "He's being dug up for 2012."

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly
unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean,
my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. "I can't,"
says the poodle. "I'll just go beat off."
More...
Posted by butterw on August 17, 2009 at 12:15 PM
LaRiiiiM0RrrHAwtiiii696969 27
U PEEPZ NEED TO SNORT MOORRRRR DRUGGGGGZ.

THEN WE WULD BURN IT, NUT READ IT.

CAIN'T WAIT 4 DEATH OF THA READER AND THEY DIGEST.
Posted by LaRiiiiM0RrrHAwtiiii696969 http://balkin.blogspot.com/ on August 17, 2009 at 3:31 PM

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