I'm doing the news this morning for Dominic today because he filled in for me during my week when I was a forgetful fool who overslept. Don't worry, there will still be teabagging at the end. On with this morning's headlines!

The Saddest Story Ever Told: Isaiah Kalebu has plead not guilty to the vicious South Park attack.

Also Pleading Not Guilty: California's accused nude doorbell ringer.

Riders on the Storm: Over 100 are dead and many are missing after Typhoon Morakot, meanwhile flash floods, fog, and collapsed roads, are hindering rescue efforts.

And Speaking of Storms: Science says big storms are on a 1,000 year rise.

Leaving on a Jet Plane: JetBlue offers $600 unlimited fly pass.

Fore!: Golf and rugby might become Olympic sports.

I Think the Sea Shepherds Did It: They still can't find that missing 4000 ton ship.

Maybe the Recession Isn't Over After All: Retail sales unexpectedly fell in July.

No Shit, Sherlock: A new study discovers a high-fat diet might make you stupid and lazy.

They Found a New Planet: And it's going the wrong way!

Perhaps the Most Important News of All: There's a wiener dog rally at the Seattle Center today at 11 am. WIENER DOG RALLY!

And now for your daily teabagging: