In honor of the voters' guides—typically tomes of vacuous pablum—that get sent out this week, we present you this sensational entry by Clarke Fletcher, who was running for Seattle Port Commissioner in September 2003:

My campaign theme: Swag for the Little Man. Like most of you I have spent my adult life toiling as a beast of burden, while the fat cat developers and corporations suck our blood. But I'm not against corruption. I just want the proceeds to be distributed more widely.

Port Commission bureaucrats—as well as their lackeys on the Port Commission itself—should adhere to a minimum tipping policy of 20% whenever they feed on the public tab.

All discussion of the Third Runway should cease immediately. Let us improve our quality of life by ending, once and for all, the ceaseless braying about this ludicrous boondoggle, which offers far too little swag for the little man.

The Port Commission should cater to a much broader band of special interests. There is no reason why Seattle should not become the Gay and Lesbian Cruise Line Capital of the West Coast.

As a curator of Asian popular culture, I have real knowledge of the countries that are the destinations of so many Port Commission junkets. I promise to promote real cultural exchange, and I promise detailed accounts of what I learn while feeding at the public trough. And, of course, I promise swag all around.

My policy: every man, woman, and person of indeterminate gender a Port Commissioner!

I voted for you, Mr. Fletcher. Sorry things didn't work out.

King County Elections is mailing ballots this week for the August 18 primary election, and The Stranger will issue its endorsements next Tuesday (next Monday if we lay off the sauce).