Lots of mail today for the three lonely guys—SOB, ALONE, and STPIWTGO—whose letters appear in this week's "Savage Love." A sampling...

I just wanted to say how much I liked your column this week, and the advice you gave all three men. I particularly saw my (former) self in SOB, in that, until about four years ago, I was also overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract the women I was actually interested in, and had to take care of myself so often that I had troubles performing when I was lucky enough to find a willing partner in my bed. The picture I had of myself was pretty negative as a result. Your advice to SOB was spot-on, Dan. Physical activity was a big key to turning my life around. While I found the gym terribly boring, bicycling did for me what a gym membership couldn't. I lost weight, gained tons of energy, felt better about myself and drastically improved my performance ability. Biking also made me a bit more interesting to people around me, including women I'm interested in. I'm still awkward, but it's not as big of a problem as it once was. I'll never be the guy that hooks up with a random girl every night, but I've been in a few relationships since and am in a good place now, romantically and otherwise. I hope SOB can get there too. Thanks again for the solid advice.

Riding High

As a regular reader I think this week's column hit home more than others. I can identify with the heterosexual men who are paralyzed with fear at the thought of approaching women. I was abused by a male family member at a young age and then exposed to massive amounts of hardcore pornography by the same family member over the years. I grew up with a secret shame that gave me anxiety attacks and made me think everytime I heard the laughter of girls that they were laughing at me. I went to an all boys high school and would enter through a side door to avoid the girls in the lobby who were waiting for the bus to take them to our sister school. For 4 years I never once went in through the front door.

I went to a public university with plenty of women and for me the double-edged sword was being reasonably attractive so that girls would hit on me, but I would be too afraid to respond. They thought I was a freak and it reinforced my own self-image. At 21 I had one drunken encounter with a girl who pursued me and I couldn't get it up.

I thought I was relegated to a life of solitude and self-hatred, but I finally decided I wasn't going to let myself fulfill my own prophecy of becoming a freak. I began working out, stopped using hard drugs, and stopped buying a bottle of Jack every night. I started practicing yoga and allowing my mind to heal. Today at 34, I've been with my loving and understanding wife since I was 28 and we're expecting our first child soon. The working out helped and so did an online pharmacy for Viagra.

To those who wrote in, tell them that there is hope, but they have to decide to make their lives better. I'd suggest to the guy who can't afford a therapist to go to his local library and get a CD on Yoga Nidra. The teachings will help you quiet your overactive mind and start on the road to mental peace. And if you hate the thought of joining a gym and having people watch you work out, then do a pushup today, then do 2 tomorrow and increase it every day. You'll find that your body will become stronger and you will gain confidence from that. It's a process that may take years, but someday you'll turn around and realize that your life was better for it.

Be Your Own Hero

Thanks again for a good column, Dan. I wanted to share my story with SOB: I am a 25 year old female, who is in a multi-year relationship with a guy that has struggled with ED since adolescence. He'd managed to get a pharmacist-friend to steal him some viagra throughout college, but only had sex a few times. When we got together senior year, I noticed a lack of experience and his desire to take things slowly, but didn't think anything of it.

Three months into the relationship we graduated college, and things started to change. He had no more viagra-hookup so he became distant, would find excuses to not have sex, would request blow jobs instead, etc. As you can probably see, a big misunderstanding was taking place. He wanted to satisfy me but knew he couldn't, and I was only seeing that he wanted less and less to do with me sexually. It was a self-esteem nightmare on both our parts, and only because we didn't open our damn mouths and TALK to each other!

Finally I confronted him to "find out why he didn't find me attractive anymore". He was shocked - all he wanted to DO was fuck me! He told me his situation and while I was (honestly) a little weirded out at first, I was mostly relieved and sympathetic. Over the next few weeks he got up the courage to call/see a doctor who gave him a prescription. Three+ years later, our sex life could not be better.

MORAL of the story: Get to the gym (great advice - build your self esteem!!), see a physician, get a prescription, and start having fun because you are NOT the only guy going through this. And who knows, maybe you'll meet a girl with a viagra fettish! If Dan has taught his readers anything, it's that if you can think of it, someone has a fettish for it.

You are the only thing holding yourself back.

Nothing to Fear

PS: My friends and I agree, the MOST attractive guys are the men who are always trying to improve multiple aspects of their lives (such as): career, physique, personal relationships, sexual abilities, family relationships, finance, hobbies, sports, etc. Guys who sit on their ass waiting for a woman to come along and fix them are not sexy. I'd take a "C" looking guy who has his life together and takes care of himself over the self-loathing "A" living on his parents couch hands down.

As the son of an Aspergers-diagnosed father, I was glad to see that you picked up on the possible connection to Autism. If you're not aware of what Aspergers is, to put it in simple terms, when you hear that someone was the "class brain" but is lacking in social skills, odds are that they're falling somewhere along that Autism spectrum, and if no one would think they're "Rain Man", they probably fall into the Aspergers Syndrome category.

My mom and dad have been married over 30 years and just last year discovered that this syndrome existed and while nobody fits the diagnosis 100%, it gives a good starting point for working out why dad is the way he is. More importantly, they found that there's a wealth of information out there on how to deal with Aspergers, both for the "sufferer" and for their loved ones. In many cases, people with Aspergers have to be taught to recognize social cues that "neurotypicals" are born with. Unfortunately, the brain mass that's dedicated to particle physics and counting toothpicks is simply crowding out the parts reserved for instinctual social skills. Since they figured out that dad's just wired differently from most men, my mom and dad have been much happier and are finally getting through some of the issues that they've had for the past 30-odd years.

If you pass on the word on Aspergers to STPIWTGO, it could do him a world of good. Obviously since "autistic" brings "Rain Man" to mind, people in the middle of that spectrum might be less apt to see themselves as having a "problem". And indeed, as one of the characteristics of Aspergers is to see the world in a much more black and white, logical way, they normally see the problem as lying with "everyone else" for whom emotions (which are inherently illogical) play a far more important role in their day-to-day interactions.

Neurotypical in Vienna

Hey this goes out to the three dudes from last week who have sexual and social dysfunctions. I know where you’re coming from, I used to be in that boat. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20. I was flabby and out of shape. I also used to have financial problems similar to ALONE. I thought I was a loser and everyone else thought I was a loser (though only a few would come out and say it). Three years later I’m doing great, I’ve got a bright career path in front of me, I work out regularly and I’m in great shape, and attractive women frequently ask me out.

Dan is giving you guys great advice and I fully agree with his recommendations, but I’d go further: get your fat ass to the gym and make yourself fit/healthy, go back to school and get some professional training so that you can get a better paying job, and once you look respectable (lost the weight, bought some nicer clothes/nice haircut/good hygiene) and you have the confidence of someone who has their professional shit together, take on dating and treat it like a skill to be acquired through practice... and don’t take it so seriously. I know the fear can be crippling, but often I’ve found that the fear exists just because my mind raises the stakes too much. Whether or not you’re successful with an individual woman is really sort of irrelevant because there are so many women. You just have to stop caring that much about what a specific woman you’ve had a few dates with will think of you. I’m not advocating misogyny, just that you don’t invest that much at first, and train yourself to swallow humiliation or man up and take it, because if you go out and get rejected a few dozen times you’ll see that it’s actually not a big deal and has no lasting repercussions, whereas when you are accepted it feels great. Put your cares into your career and your family, not some stranger who could reject you at any moment. A relationship comes with time and mutual trust.

Just like any skill, dating/fucking takes both time and patience for those who aren’t naturally talented to figure it out and improve their performance. There will be a lot of false starts, rejections, and failures in the bedroom. But don’t let your fear control you. If you lose your boner just shrug and finger/eat the girl until she comes (most girls will appreciate that, and want to come back for more — develop your technique by looking up online tutorials and through trial and error, and asking her what she likes). And for the guy who said something about “low caliber” women, why not try gradually working your way up from them, dating girls you find slightly more attractive until you’re comfortable with them, then moving up again etc. until you’re satisfied? Baby steps. Worked for me anyway.

I Would Like To Extend To You An Invitation To The Pants Party

I have read your column religiously (or irreligiously) for years, and this is the first time I ever thought to write you. The letters this week struck a chord with me, because, well, I was those writers, and believe it or not, there is hope for them. I had gone to an engineering college (male to female ratio about 5 to 1), then studied nuclear physics in grad school. All of this was basically hiding- hiding from people, hiding from the world. By age 32 I had only had sex twice (and not since age 25), had basically written off meeting anyone, etc.

The point maybe you need to make is that you can't let other people like you until you like yourself. I spent a lot of years basically rebuilding myself emotionally (of course, I didn't realize it at that time, only in hindsight do I realize that is what I was doing), getting myself to a point where I felt, for lack of a better term, whole. There was some therapy involved, but also a lot of figuring things out myself (including probably the worst 18 months in my life, where everything fell apart both professionally and personally).

So.... what happened with me? A career change and a move to a new city changed my attitudes alot. I got reacquainted with someone who we had mutual friends with, and had sex with her on the second date. It turned into what was my first true adult sexual relationship. It sputtered out, but that paved the way for the next girlfriend, who says I have a great body (something that I am still not used to hearing, poor body image was another issue I had to deal with) and am the best lover she ever had, and we have been together 10 years, married for 8.

There is hope for these guys, I am sure I have gone through as much isolation, self hatred, and rejection as any of them, but they have to take the initiative the get help. It's not easy, it's not fast, but I am living proof that it can happen.

Don't have a clever signature just...

Been There, Done That