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News & ArtsMonday, July 13, 2009
Books Moths Ate My Marriage
Posted by Paul Constant on Mon, Jul 13, 2009 at 1:24 PM
Maud Newton points out that Aimee Bender has a wonderful memoir of a failed marriage over at the Washington Post for their summer reading issue.
Tom paused, fingers suspended over his laptop. He was one of those surfers-gone-business types, whose blond hair was turning gray so it had a kind of shimmer to it. A look of concern crossed his face.
"Excuse me?" he said.
"Kite-making," I piped in, figuring we sounded flaky. "It's actually a really good symbol for marriage — grounded with the string, free-flying in the air — "
"Oh," he said, brow still furrowed. "Sorry. Just, where I grew up, a kite was a derogatory term for a Jewish person."
It's all about how symbolism is perfectly willing to punch us in the face, even if we don't necessarily believe in it.
2
This joke also appears in the ridiculous-but-sort-of-excellent 1980s frat humor movie Porky's. Whether this says anything meaningful about Aimee Bender's memoir is an open question.
Just, where I grew up, a kite was a derogatory term for a Jewish person.
This joke also appears in the ridiculous-but-sort-of-excellent 1980s frat humor movie Porky's. Whether this says anything meaningful about Aimee Bender's memoir is an open question.
4
From the article, I get the impression that Aimee Bender isn't really all there; she talks a lot about all these (frankly idiotic) "symbolic" happenstances (bad housekeeping?) but not a lot about what was going on inside her -- though she uses that kind of language that makes it SEEM like she's talking about emotions, but isn't AT ALL. And blaming the moths, or even dwelling on some mystical connection between moths and your marriage is dumb. Clean your fucking apartment. She, and everyone around her, sound like ciphers. I wonder what his story sounds like ("she talked to flies, I couldn't take it anymore").
5
i always found it all metaphorical that my ex-husband accidentally elbowed me in the face the last time we danced together before we filed for divorce. i bled all over the bar and still have a scar on my eyelid. we really weren't on the same plane...
6
Fnarf - I just read it and thought the exact same thing. She says it "would be nice" to blame the dress or the ring or the hairdresser or the day of the week. Who would think that? Who, when grappling for a reason for why a marriage failed, would ever even consider those things as factors? I know she acknowledges that in the end it was the two of them and not the symbols, but that whole "would be nice to blame" paragraph felt like airy mysticism with no clear connection to reality of the situation.
If this was a short story, I would have been annoyed by the "two-by-four" symbolism (symbolism so obvious it's like being hit on the head with a 2x4). But, as a memoir, it felt like the author was searching her life for these weighty symbols so she would have something to write about.
God, if my writer husband and I ever get divorced, I hope he doesn't write about the hurricane on our wedding day.
If this was a short story, I would have been annoyed by the "two-by-four" symbolism (symbolism so obvious it's like being hit on the head with a 2x4). But, as a memoir, it felt like the author was searching her life for these weighty symbols so she would have something to write about.
God, if my writer husband and I ever get divorced, I hope he doesn't write about the hurricane on our wedding day.
7
You know, I was just about to write about something that preceded my parents' divorce when I realized it wasn't a metaphor at all; it was domestic violence. Then I remembered -- metaphors are the exclusive domain middle class people, whose lives are so appallingly beige that they have to spend all their time making up subtexts for non-events that mark false boundaries on the smooth and endless expanses of their secure but pointless lives.
Writing interesting prose must be really hard for people who've never been thrown down a flight of stairs. No wonder the people who do it consider it such high art.
Writing interesting prose must be really hard for people who've never been thrown down a flight of stairs. No wonder the people who do it consider it such high art.
9
It seems like she couldn't actually say what went on. Maybe they both realized they weren't that interesting despite their craft parties.
Sounds like people who spent all the time planning the wedding and forgot to plan the marriage.
Sounds like people who spent all the time planning the wedding and forgot to plan the marriage.
10
@4 - Fnarf - I'm glad you put this comment here because it made me laugh and think a little more about why I liked this piece.
So many times symbols become representative for what is difficult to explain and end up becoming the explanation - especially with relationships. On some gut level, we all end up being governed by our stories.
It's not a logical approach, but being logical about relationships is deceptive: Why do you love one person more than another?
I thought this was a great piece because she tries not to be superstitious about the relationship, but all of her analysis ends up morphing into a story and therefore gets tangled up in metaphors. She knows that the relationship didn't end because of the moths, but it probably didn't end because of any particular thing that they argued about, either. It just didn't work.
And also: I'm totally an apologist for Aimee's writing.
So many times symbols become representative for what is difficult to explain and end up becoming the explanation - especially with relationships. On some gut level, we all end up being governed by our stories.
It's not a logical approach, but being logical about relationships is deceptive: Why do you love one person more than another?
I thought this was a great piece because she tries not to be superstitious about the relationship, but all of her analysis ends up morphing into a story and therefore gets tangled up in metaphors. She knows that the relationship didn't end because of the moths, but it probably didn't end because of any particular thing that they argued about, either. It just didn't work.
And also: I'm totally an apologist for Aimee's writing.
11
@6 & 7- and you make an excellent points. I was totally thinking of non-violent relationships.
There are obviously also very logical reasons to end relationships... being thrown down the stairs is a great example.
There are obviously also very logical reasons to end relationships... being thrown down the stairs is a great example.
12
It bugs me when people take it upon themselves to declare a thread's winner, but if I may, #7 FTW.
Charles Schultz said more in that lone panel than Aimee Bender did in four pages.
Charles Schultz said more in that lone panel than Aimee Bender did in four pages.
13
2 beat me to it. That was where I first learned the slur "kike." Plus, I got to see some boobs. They don't make movies like that anymore.
14
You love one person more than another because you decide to. Assuming you're out of high school, that is.
15
@14: Because you decide to? Really? Nevermind the content of their minds, bodies and souls? You just decide, "Hey, I'm gonna love this person?" And so letting yourself be swayed by an emotional draw to another person is high school-ish?
It's all academics, huh? And if it's not, you're immature? Sounds pretty soul-deadening.
It's all academics, huh? And if it's not, you're immature? Sounds pretty soul-deadening.
16
My God, that was boring. Couldn't finish it.
Good one, @9: "Maybe they both realized they weren't that interesting despite their craft parties."
Good one, @9: "Maybe they both realized they weren't that interesting despite their craft parties."
17
@15 - Deciding to love one person more than anyone else is the core of commitment. It's a choice. It's not flashy, but it's meaningful.
18
@15, souls don't exist. And nothing you've said contradicts me in any way. I didn't say "decide at random". See @17.
Trust me: if you think you've found your "soul mate", who is destined to be yours forever, possibly with unicorns, and don't put any more work into it than that, you're going to fall apart sooner than you can imagine. There is nothing magic or supernatural about commitment. You decide you want it, and you decide you're going to work for it. Those are the marriages that last. The strings of your heart stop going zing pretty soon on; if that's the time you start wanting to walk away, you're always going to be walking away.
Trust me: if you think you've found your "soul mate", who is destined to be yours forever, possibly with unicorns, and don't put any more work into it than that, you're going to fall apart sooner than you can imagine. There is nothing magic or supernatural about commitment. You decide you want it, and you decide you're going to work for it. Those are the marriages that last. The strings of your heart stop going zing pretty soon on; if that's the time you start wanting to walk away, you're always going to be walking away.
19
I have to point this out that Judah (@7) is really eloquent, but most of that comes from the ability to handle symbolism so adroitly. S/he evokes some strong associations with the words "middle-class", "beige," "smooth and secure." To say that something is 'beige' has definite symbolic power.
I agree with the point that some people need to use metaphors to escalate their drama... but I would never confine that to a particular class.
Everyone ends up tilting at some sort of windmill at some point. You can see it in Aimee Bender's story, but you can also hear it in the lyrics of hip hop and in the words of national leaders.
It's human, not "middle class."
I agree with the point that some people need to use metaphors to escalate their drama... but I would never confine that to a particular class.
Everyone ends up tilting at some sort of windmill at some point. You can see it in Aimee Bender's story, but you can also hear it in the lyrics of hip hop and in the words of national leaders.
It's human, not "middle class."
21
This thread kinda shows why I decided to study "history" instead of "literature." Fiction doesn't have to be a force for good. Haven't read this particular book but enjoyed these comments.
22
@20, more or less. Love isn't really very interesting without commitment; it's just emotional faffing about. It's not serious, and it does your partner no favors at all.
23
@15: Ok, fair enough: souls don't exist. I use the word to stand in for the actual emotion of love, which no one else in this conversation seems to place a high value on. I know that one of our core values as Americans is this belief that committed relationships require "work," but I frankly refuse to accept that.
I've been in relationships that required "work," and they were miserable exercises in protestant self-flagellation. My marriage now requires no work whatsoever: I simply love the man, I love seeing his face every day, I love him when he farts in his sleep at night, I love talking over the minutiae of our shared daily life, I love talking about politics or religion or philosophy. I especially love disagreeing about shit and having spirited debates in the middle of the night when neither of us can sleep.
We've been together more or less for a decade now, and while we have had moments of strife, even clawing our way out of those moments has never been work. It has always, always been a pleasure, because we as a society of two (soon to be three) are worth it.
I don't accept the premise that any of this is a decision made once and final some time ago, nor do I accept that the only redemption for romantic relationships is that old protestant standby: work. Fuck work. I'll take the pleasure of our life together over work any day.
I've been in relationships that required "work," and they were miserable exercises in protestant self-flagellation. My marriage now requires no work whatsoever: I simply love the man, I love seeing his face every day, I love him when he farts in his sleep at night, I love talking over the minutiae of our shared daily life, I love talking about politics or religion or philosophy. I especially love disagreeing about shit and having spirited debates in the middle of the night when neither of us can sleep.
We've been together more or less for a decade now, and while we have had moments of strife, even clawing our way out of those moments has never been work. It has always, always been a pleasure, because we as a society of two (soon to be three) are worth it.
I don't accept the premise that any of this is a decision made once and final some time ago, nor do I accept that the only redemption for romantic relationships is that old protestant standby: work. Fuck work. I'll take the pleasure of our life together over work any day.
25
@23: Huh.
You remind me how much fun it used to be to learn instead of teach in relationships. Maybe I should emigrate again. Anyone been to Guanajuato? They don't serve espresso in Styrofoam cups there, do they?
You remind me how much fun it used to be to learn instead of teach in relationships. Maybe I should emigrate again. Anyone been to Guanajuato? They don't serve espresso in Styrofoam cups there, do they?
28
@ fnarf. you terrify me. so clear and logical, and probably right, but scary.
@ judah. you are brilliant.
@ paul constant. definitely my favorite too.
@ judah. you are brilliant.
@ paul constant. definitely my favorite too.
29
@26: Sorry, but I walked downstairs in my beautiful cheap B&B in that gorgeous (UNESCO-protected) town and ordered a coffee and it was everything that makes me weep about Seattle coffee. And when I say weep, I mean tear my hair, sackcloth and ashes, rend my garments. It's good to get out.
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