We have our winners. The authors of these five HUMP film treatments—which will be forwarded to Lynn Shelton—each get two tickets to the 7 PM screening of Humpday tomorrow night at the Harvard Exit.

Shelton is known for a distinct sense of realistic, mumblecore, whathaveyou. Her HUMP! submission should play to her directorial strengths: Shelton would follow via steadycam a day in the life of pornography addict. The character, a slightly dumpy man in his mid-30’s, would be seen in every element of his natural wanking environment. From an orderly apartment covered in jerk-material arranged tidily, to his bus trips watching yank films on his iPod with his headphones in. Brief visits to the library to achieve his mid-day fixes on the internet. Within the time-frame, not only could Shelton utilize every extra credit location with ease, but also allow an audience to connect with a sad, lonely man and his constant, wanking struggle.

"Politic-hoes": I’d love to see Ms. Shelton create a porno inspired by the 2009 Seattle elections. The plot line would involve an election night party gone haywire. Several campaigns inadvertently book the same site for their election night parties, and as the booze flows and the results pour in, former adversaries find themselves in a variety of unexpected positions and combinations. Of course, the film would incorporate some of the smart humor I’ve seen in the Humpday previews. Cameos from real-life local politicians preferred, but not required.

Argentinian airport bathroom stall: Some pastor tapping foot to a
Senator next-door. Cut to orgy between them and an intern (make him wear confederate flag
jockstrap please). End with a shot of Santorum on the condom.

FULL FEMALE CRUDITY: A cute but schlumpy Christian blogger, let's call him DK, is flaming back at an online rival, invoking in broadest terms the story of Sodom. As he becomes bored with his own tired, inarticulate rhetoric, the scene dissolves to a fantasy of DK as Lot in a biblical temple, sending his hottie virgin daughters off to the hands of the unruly mob. Butch angels descend around him, and are about to pass judgment, when the babes return, pussycat doll style, storm the temple and bind, beat and peg Lot while the Angels masturbate around them. DK starts awake. A voice calls out, “Dinner’s ready!”

Sorrrrry, my treatment is a bit long (365words), but it's based on a TRUE conversation I had with friends the very night we saw HUMP! 2008: Three dudes sitting around a kitchen table. Friends Ryan and Nate are explaining HUMP 2008 to Ryan’s naïve roommate David. Ryan and Nate jokingly explain the movies, that the gay movies were the best of the lot, then the conversation turns to buttsex. David hadn’t had it, Nate doesn’t like it, Ryan loves it. They spar a bit, then get to retelling their experiences. Nate goes first: Wayne's World doodeedoodeedoo flashback style, stop motion animation, and b&w. He’s in the bedroom with a girl and they get around to the buttsex, she’s doggie style and making a grunting unhappy “nn-nnoooo” noise, Nate gets alarmed and pulls out only to be thrown agains the back wall by a geyser of diarrhea. He falls dazedly forward with a Wile-E-Coyote poop outline on the wall. He sheepishly crawls over to her to ask if she’s okay to see her snoring on her belly. Flashback ends, Ryan and David feel sorry. Ryan counters by explaining (a la Dan Savage) that it depends on who you’re with and how long you’re willing to take, toss the salad first, whatever it takes. Ryan follows with his amazing buttsex story, again Wayne's World stop motion b&w flashback. In the bedroom with a girl, and they communicate through grunts and coos and whimpers that it’s buttsex time. After some butt licking and lubed up fingerin while kissing he takes her butt doggie style. After a few thrusts... we're back at the table Ryan is explaining how good she was... then cut between several butt sex positions and Ryan going “and then we” “and then she” then “you won’t believe what happened next." She throws Ryan on his back and straddles him and cut back to Ryan (“I don’t know how to explain this..."). Back to her spinning like a top, with legs straight out, levitating an inch or two off his crotch (shown from side view closeup) and both of them going out of their minds with pleasure—then closeups of both faces absolutely ecstatic. Back at the table there is silence. After a pause, David sez “I gotta try that.” Black screen with credits and big band music blaring (a la woody allen)

Thanks to all who entered... details about making a film for HUMP! can be found here. You can order tickets to see Humpday at the Harvard Exit this weekend here.