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News & ArtsMonday, July 6, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jul 6, 2009 at 3:30 PM
I just wanted to say thank you for printing my question, and for your great advice. When I went to the Stranger's website and saw my question it was perfect timing as I had already set up a meeting with the ex the following day, so I just brought a copy of our local alternative paper and handed it to him. "This is what I wanted to ask you." He thought it was so awesome he said he's going to frame the column! He also agreed quite readily to participate. He wants to hang out with my boyfriend and I once or twice so he can get to know him better and feel more comfortable, but it shouldn't be too long of a wait. We're all three really excited about it.I've always been a big fan of your column and almost always agree with your perspectives. Honesty is important in a relationship and I don't think long-term monogamy is very realistic. So many advice columnists and therapists still think of non-monogamy as this big taboo, and I think a lot of people would have healthier, longer-lived relationships if they could simply embrace the idea that variety can be a good thing.
Anyway, I don't want to prattle on too much because I know you have a lot of emails to read through. I just wanted to thank you on behalf of all three of us, and I'll definitely let you know how it turns out. :)
Need Some Abuse
Thanks for lovely note, NSA, and I'll pass your thoughts about non-monogamy and healthy relationships to a good friend of mine who believes that only men are ever interested in variety. He needs to know that women like you exist.
1
It will be interesting to see if/how Klinghoffer tries to rationalize this letter into something that vibes with his narrow worldview.
3
Yay!
Almost makes me want to try to distill my whining into letter form.
Only, I'm trivial and boring and foreign.
Almost makes me want to try to distill my whining into letter form.
Only, I'm trivial and boring and foreign.
5
I don't doubt that there are many women that want to open up a relationship. The fact that the guy who is kind of a push over is willing to let the X in ... is just still highly suspect to me.
I don't think he really WANTS to open the relationship up, but maybe he is just being GGG.
I don't think he really WANTS to open the relationship up, but maybe he is just being GGG.
7
Stevie McNair's chick-on-the-side was very interested in non-monogamous variety in Healthy Relationships.
Hey Dan, I think she was even a gun owner, too!
Your kind of gal!!
Hey Dan, I think she was even a gun owner, too!
Your kind of gal!!
8
Because no one has ever been murdered by their presumed-to-be-mongamous spouse. Just task Laci Peterson.
10
Laci's husband was firmly in the "non-monogamous, looking for some variety" camp, Dan; he's one of yours...
11
I don't know if this will help, David. He'd just say that she will change her mind when she wants to have kids, and regret her past. At least, that's what he told the other(s) that wrote in.
12
No, he was in the dishonest-piece-of-shit-pretending-to-be-monogamous-when-he-was-not camp, which makes him one of yours. The "monogamous" camp is crawling with those guys.
13
Those guys are not "monogamous".
The "dishonest-piece-of-shit-pretending-to-be-monogamous-when-he-was-not" guys are just "open relationship" guys whose wife won't go along with it.
The "dishonest-piece-of-shit-pretending-to-be-monogamous-when-he-was-not" guys are just "open relationship" guys whose wife won't go along with it.
14
@9,
He has a point.
I spent many years counseling women in Domestic Violence situations, though an evangelical Christian program. I met too many women, who suffered at the hands of their monogamous spouse, thrown down stairs, heads held in the toilet, guns put to their heads while they were sodomized, arms broken, etc.. There are sick people who are monogamous and sick people who are not. It's a reality in this world.
He has a point.
I spent many years counseling women in Domestic Violence situations, though an evangelical Christian program. I met too many women, who suffered at the hands of their monogamous spouse, thrown down stairs, heads held in the toilet, guns put to their heads while they were sodomized, arms broken, etc.. There are sick people who are monogamous and sick people who are not. It's a reality in this world.
17
It is to the detriment of message boards everywhere that we must debate such things. How some people can be so certain in regards to things they know nothing about apart only from what their gut and reptilian brain tells them, it depresses me.
18
16:
The point is their are abusive people who are monogamous and some abusive people that are not monogamous.
The point is their are abusive people who are monogamous and some abusive people that are not monogamous.
19
Hey KiM:
But the statistics on abuse show that most abuse is committed by men against others - mostly women. Please see http://www.aidv-usa.com/statistics.htm . In my opinion, most of the people who are abusive have internalized a patriarchical world view. Not that domestic violence has any relationship to BDSM ... I'm jsut commenting ....
But the statistics on abuse show that most abuse is committed by men against others - mostly women. Please see http://www.aidv-usa.com/statistics.htm . In my opinion, most of the people who are abusive have internalized a patriarchical world view. Not that domestic violence has any relationship to BDSM ... I'm jsut commenting ....
21
Hey Theo,
I don't personally know of any correlation between abuse or BDSM. I was only refering to the lack of correlation between non-monogamy and abuse, from my actual experience. I don't doubt the statistic on abuse showing that most abuse is committed by men against others- mostly women. All though, again from my personal experience, there are abusive women, too. I worked with some as well.
I don't personally know of any correlation between abuse or BDSM. I was only refering to the lack of correlation between non-monogamy and abuse, from my actual experience. I don't doubt the statistic on abuse showing that most abuse is committed by men against others- mostly women. All though, again from my personal experience, there are abusive women, too. I worked with some as well.
22
mature, secure, and honest people doing something that only affects them and will probably make them happy.
I can certainly see why people are up in arms about this.
I can certainly see why people are up in arms about this.
23
I dunno... Something about it sets my spider senses tingling... I have a feeling her boyfriend will not enjoy it as much as he says he will. But maybe I'm just projecting.
24
Don't forget: NSA has promised Dan (and, I hope, the rest of us who clearly aren't having nearly as much fun in our OWN bedrooms, otherwise why would we obsess about HER situation so much?) that she will let him know how it turns out. So presumably the GGG boyfriend will tell her how it was for him, too. And the ex. And NSA herself! Can't wait!
25
This has got to be some of the worst advice you've ever given, Dan. Telling her to go for it, fuck the old boyfriend who did it for her in front of/with the new boyfriend who doesn't do it for her, so he can pick up pointers? I see him weeping in the corner, or hating her and himself after. Maybe a 3-way, sure, but with the most recent ex? You kinda surprise me here, pal.
26
35: It WAS a threesome she had planned, one which apparently both dudes are excited about. Read the original letter.
27
@19 The violence and aggression, like the patriarchy, come from the testosterone. This isn't some political problem that we will be rid of someday. It's an ugly part of the human condition that we will always be struggling against.
28
#23. All he has to do is watch and learn. They're not inviting this guy into their lives (NSA doesn't want polyamory). Just one night to show him how it's done. And I like the fact that the ex wants to meet with him first. That shows a level of maturity and respect that even I wasn't expecting.
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