It has come to my attention that on the 4th of July—among many other questionable behaviors—I performed an impromptu "Rap of the Presidents" in front of 4,500 strangers.

We "sang" "Rap of the Presidents" in my elementary school "choir," and in the intervening years it's stuck with me like a tattoo. A brain tattoo. One that comes in handy at bar trivia. Few things are as funny as "Rap of the Presidents," and few things delight so heartily at a patriotic BBQ. But, all these years, I've only been able to remember it through Franklin Pierce!! What the FORK happens after Franklin Pierce!? Long have I lived in fear of someone asking me, "Who was right before Rutherford B. Hayes?" or "Who was our twentieth presidential dude?"

I was stuck.

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce...

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce...

Zachary Taylor, Millard Filmore, Franklin Pierce WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?

A few years ago—back when the internet was smaller than it is now—I Googled the shit out of "Rap of the Presidents" and got exactly nowhere. But today, with the "memory" of my 4th of July "performance" on my mind, I decided to try again. And yo! A search for "andrew jackson was the seventh in line and martin van buren followed andy's time" returned PRESIDENTIAL RAPPING GOLD. Get ready. (Also, FUCKING CLICK HERE and you can listen to a fully-produced version in all its creepy, culty amazingness—"with more contemporary rhythm tracks and sizzling new horn lines"!!!)

Full text of "Rap of the Presidents"—including what happens after Franklin Pierce—after the jump.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

The father of our country, George Washington was one.
Two was John Adams, then Thomas Jefferson.
Then James Madison, and also James Monroe.
John Quincy Adams was number six, you know.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Andrew Jackson was the seventh in line.
And Martin Van Buren followed Andy's time.
William Henry Harrison was next at number nine.
John Tyler, James Polk; the states were doin' fine.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce.
As James Buchanan left, things were getting pretty fierce.
Abraham Lincoln went to war so we could be
One nation living in peace and liberty.

(chorus)

Andrew Johnson was the boss in those days,
Then Ulysses S. Grant, and Rutherford B. Hayes.
James A. Garfield was the twentieth dude,
And Chester A. Arthur showed his aptitude.

(chorus)

Grover Cleveland was the president then.
Then Benjamin Harrison, and Grover went again.
William McKinley demonstrated his skill,
Then Theodore Roosevelt charged up the hill.

(chorus)

The next in line was William Howard Taft,
Then Woodrow Wilson got to try his craft.
Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover:
All of them presidential shakers and movers.

(chorus)

Franklin D. Roosevelt, a truly great man,
And Harry S. Truman took the mantle of command.
Dwight D. Eisenhower followed close behind.
And John F. Kennedy, whose fate was underlined.

(chorus)

Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford:
All recent presidents that history will record.
Then Jimmy Carter lived on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And Ronald Reagan lived there, for not one term but two.

(chorus)

And that's where it ended, when I was in third grade. But some patriotic so-and-so has updated it for our newest presidential dudes!!

In 1988 came a presidential push.
A kindler, gentler nation elected George Bush.
In 1992 and in 1996,
We added Bill Clinton to the presidential mix.

(chorus)

The year 2000 brought a family into view.
George W. Bush was the son our nation knew.
And now in '08, we voted once again,
And now our new president is John McCain.

Oops.

I'll see you guys at 4th of July 2010. I've got a lot of memorizing to do.