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News & ArtsTuesday, June 23, 2009
Savage Love Savage Love Letter of the Day
Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jun 23, 2009 at 2:15 PM
I am terrified and possibly scarred for life. Last night I was in the throws of passion with a new man I am seeing. Everything was going great. We were well on our way to third base when I reached down his pants and felt something large and hard. Ordinarily this would delight me, until upon further investigation I realized that his penis was still flaccid. The hard thing I was feeling was actually his scrotum/balls. It was as hard as an apple and similar in size. I am still unsure whether it was one enlarged testicle, two enlarged testicles or a tumor. I was so freaked out by this, that I mumbled something about not being ready yet and I went home. I didn't even bother to put my panties back on. I just grabbed them and put them in my purse.Dan, I have never experienced anything like this and all my Googling has yielded no answers. Can you tell me more about this condition? I have no idea whether he was in any pain but he told me it takes him a little while to become fully erect, which I found a little strange because he is in his mid twenties. Was it wrong of me to bolt? I still haven't decided whether this is really a deal breaker. I need to know more about this condition. Do you think it would have been acceptable to gently ask him what is going on down there? Time is of the essence, please help.
Scared In The City
Call him up. Say, "I'm sorry I acted like such a fucking freak... but, um, what's up with your sack?"
He may know what's up, he may not know what's up. Maybe he hoped that you wouldn't notice his freaky applesack or maybe he doesn't even realize that his sack is so radically different from all other sacks that 1. it could freak a lady out and 2. a doctor needs to take a look. People can be shockingly ignorant about their own bodies.
Finally, SITC, calm the fuck down. His his sack wasn't wearing a hockey mask and coming at you with a machete, was it? Then you really don't have anything to be "terrified" of and it's hard to imagine that you were really scarred for life by the experience. Sheesh.
1
Dan I appreciate your candor, but isn't it best that someone like this be kept out of the casual sex pool?
2
Okay, I'm feeling sad for this guy, and wondering why she just didn't ask him. I'm not sure what she is terrified of either.
3
A is for Apple,
S is for Sacks--
cinnamon-toast-y Applesacks.
You need a good breakfast,
that's a fact.
Start it out with Applesacks!
S is for Sacks--
cinnamon-toast-y Applesacks.
You need a good breakfast,
that's a fact.
Start it out with Applesacks!
5
@2: It's actually simple-- people immediately think it's either a health problem or deformity. In general, folks aren't likely to ask about health problems, and they're even less likely to ask about deformities.
6
"His his sack wasn't wearing a hockey mask and coming at you with a machete, was it?"
I'd love to see that in the illustrated comment of the week.
I'd love to see that in the illustrated comment of the week.
7
I know this is a stretch, but it could have been a gigantic wart. I really, really hope not though. Uff da!
9
This is some weird shit. While enlarged testicles aren't exactly something new (typically one is much bigger than the other), "hard as a rock and the size of an apple" is definitely something that's enough of a problem that he should see a doctor about it (if he already hasn't).
To the young lady: Grow the fuck up. You're gonna see all kinds of weird-assed shit by the time you finish living your life, and cutting and running probably isn't the best way to deal with any of it.
Oh, and by the way, it's "throes of passion," you fucking dipshit.
To the young lady: Grow the fuck up. You're gonna see all kinds of weird-assed shit by the time you finish living your life, and cutting and running probably isn't the best way to deal with any of it.
Oh, and by the way, it's "throes of passion," you fucking dipshit.
11
if he was drunk enough...he may have been an unknowing victim of Testicular Torsion and not realized it...If that was the case, she should get over there as quick as possible and kiss his proud sack goodbye, as they're probably gone by now.
12
5:
Thanks, I forget my background experience in medicine leads me to ask questions. Not everyone has my background.
Thanks, I forget my background experience in medicine leads me to ask questions. Not everyone has my background.
13
@6: While I'm partial to my own magic zebra brains comment, I begrudgingly agree with UF. Then again, you could always go meta and illustrate a comment about illustrating comments.
It would piss off a lot of readers and would probably get a very classic letter to the editor.
I mean, not that The Stranger deliberately pisses off its readers, Dan.
It would piss off a lot of readers and would probably get a very classic letter to the editor.
I mean, not that The Stranger deliberately pisses off its readers, Dan.
15
Wow, an enlarged & hardened testicle...that's a relief. When I first started reading the letter I thought she was going to say he had a huge dried stool in his pants. That's one thing that would elicit her "scarred for life" statement in MY book.
18
@11: There you go bringing up testicular torsion. Thanks. I had just gotten over the nightmares about that.
20
"Scared"/"terrified"?
Perhaps his testicles enlarge and harden in the presence of crazy, melodramatic bitches.
Perhaps his testicles enlarge and harden in the presence of crazy, melodramatic bitches.
24
Sounds like it could be testicular cancer, and if it is the size of an apple it is probably too late to save either testicle. This is why you should pay attention to your testicles and see a doctor if something changes. :(
26
It sounds like Testicle Torsion from the description, but he wouldn't be acting normally after it happened (she touched 'em) -- she would have noticed his behavior change drastically (as in screaming like a dying lunatic) before she even got a chance to react herself and get out of there. HE would have been the first one out there ...
27
If it's huge and swollen and hard but it doesn't cause him pain when you touch it?...I have no clue. But I'm more curious than freaked out about it. I agree, ask him what the hell is up with his sack, see what he has to say.
29
Continuing with the theme of rare and freaky medical maladies, has he been to Africa?
Could be an early case of testicular elephantiasis.
Could be an early case of testicular elephantiasis.
30
I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, and I don't have balls myself so what do I know; but all I could think was ZOMG TESTICULAR CANCER TESTICULAR CANCER TESTICULAR CANCER.
33
@32... at least they're not injecting apples.
That is, into their scrotes. Not with saline.
Ahem.
That is, into their scrotes. Not with saline.
Ahem.
35
@9 I was with you on the anger at "throws" v. "throes," till I got to the "well on our way to third base" line, and realized this misguided young woman might've used "throws" for its baseball connection. And that's what pisses me off here: can't we retire this bad metaphor? It's vague, inaccurate, unAmerican and unsuited to our modern sexual freedoms.
When I was young and dumb enough to use this metaphor, first base was kissing, second was touching above the waist, third was touching below the waist, then home was vaginal intercourse. Now, with oral sex being standard, first is kissing, second is any kind of touching, third is oral and home is fucking. This unfairly devalues breast-oriented touching, and introduces the unnerving possibility of a fifth base, as anal sex has to be in there somewhere given our modern openness, yes? And baseball cannot have five bases! The metaphor just breaks down, especially since things can happen in almost any order. It must be done away with.
Sorry, I'm teaching my baseball lit class right now, and am going slightly mad.
When I was young and dumb enough to use this metaphor, first base was kissing, second was touching above the waist, third was touching below the waist, then home was vaginal intercourse. Now, with oral sex being standard, first is kissing, second is any kind of touching, third is oral and home is fucking. This unfairly devalues breast-oriented touching, and introduces the unnerving possibility of a fifth base, as anal sex has to be in there somewhere given our modern openness, yes? And baseball cannot have five bases! The metaphor just breaks down, especially since things can happen in almost any order. It must be done away with.
Sorry, I'm teaching my baseball lit class right now, and am going slightly mad.
36
This is most likely a harmless fluid collection around the testicle: hydrocele or spermatocele. A medical professional can figure it out by holding a flashlight up against it (checking for translumination) and confirm by ordering a painless, relatively inexpensive ultrasound. A urologist can fix it if it gets in the way of physical exercise (or social life). Outpatient surgery.
Cancer, hernia, sebaceous cyst and a few other things are less likely. However the guy is in the prime age range for testicular cancer and he HAS TO GET THIS CHECKED OUT.
Actual testis cancer is nothing like fiction. Mr. Loaf's character in fight club non-withstanding, you do not loose both testicles, you do not grow breasts and your sex life is unlikely to change. Testis cancer is curable in about 98% of all cases.
Cancer, hernia, sebaceous cyst and a few other things are less likely. However the guy is in the prime age range for testicular cancer and he HAS TO GET THIS CHECKED OUT.
Actual testis cancer is nothing like fiction. Mr. Loaf's character in fight club non-withstanding, you do not loose both testicles, you do not grow breasts and your sex life is unlikely to change. Testis cancer is curable in about 98% of all cases.
37
Sure, she shouldn't have lost it but I'm not blaming her. The boyfriend could have met her half way and at least warned her. If I were doing some welcome, exploratory groping and found something like that, my first thought would probably be IT'S A CONJOINED TWIN!
39
Most of us gay men have seen enough dicks to know, that some guys are all meat and no potatoes, and some are all potatoes and no meat. Possibly this guy was the latter.
Also, I have encountered some guys that seem to have unusually "thicker" scrotum skin then usual, giving the appearance of a harder ball sack. Still, not a big deal.
Whichever it was, I'm sure he's not a freak, or contagious. She should mellow out and grow up.
Also, I have encountered some guys that seem to have unusually "thicker" scrotum skin then usual, giving the appearance of a harder ball sack. Still, not a big deal.
Whichever it was, I'm sure he's not a freak, or contagious. She should mellow out and grow up.
41
Personally, I think she may be wrong about it being his scrotum. If a guy has a scrotum that swollen and hard, it's bound to hurt. Especially if somebody grabs ahold of it. I think maybe he had some sort of object, maybe a toy, stuffed down his pants. If she grabbed at it through his drawers she may have mistaken silicon for flesh. Neuticles are actually made from gel silicone like breast implants. Supposedly gel silicone feels remarkably....realistic when squeezed.
42
I'll just bet the boyfriend looks breathtaking in a pair of Wranglers. You know, those jeans that really show off a guys basket.
43
If the guy wasn't touchy about it, I'd go with testicular cancer. I had it, but I only got up to the size of a smallish apricot before I saw a doctor. Apple-sized, this guy is likely to have metastatic lung cancer by now.
Though the elephantitis sounds plausible. Had a cousin who was in the Pacific in WWII, who said that he saw some guys with balls so big they had to carry them around in a wheelbarrow.
But as to her reaction.... geesh.
Though the elephantitis sounds plausible. Had a cousin who was in the Pacific in WWII, who said that he saw some guys with balls so big they had to carry them around in a wheelbarrow.
But as to her reaction.... geesh.
44
I think @20 says it best.
But just because he's stimulated (e.g. nuts harden), doesn't mean the blood flow to his penis works correctly. He might have a medical condition.
But just because he's stimulated (e.g. nuts harden), doesn't mean the blood flow to his penis works correctly. He might have a medical condition.
46
Having suffered from it once myself, I seriously, seriously doubt this was testicular torsion. When that happens, your nut twists up into your body, which would therefore make your scrotum seem smaller, not bigger. Even if, due to the twisting, it swells up and hardened, he'd have to be awfully drunk not to notice that excruciating pain.
50
Anyone given any thought to the guy being a packing FTM? I say this not in some kind of judgement, but as an explanation. His lack of reaction to what sounds like something that should be painful makes me wonder if we are dealing with something artificial here. Given that this is obviously a new relationship there may be more to talk about.
52
@47 After reading all the comments yours once again stands out... thank you.
I for one hope the gentleman in question sends Dan a photo for the Sloggers to diagnois him online; thats my health care plan people, ask Slog, we'll tell you whats wrong with you for free!!
I for one hope the gentleman in question sends Dan a photo for the Sloggers to diagnois him online; thats my health care plan people, ask Slog, we'll tell you whats wrong with you for free!!
53
If she had investigated further, she would've seen that he was wearing some sort of cock ring contraption intended to help him with his engorging difficulties. Depending on the configuration of the strap(s), you can get quite a taught nut sack (like a shiny apple), especially if you've got sizable balls.
54
Great point! Now ladies will know to stay on the lookout for guys at the club sporting hard apple-sized balls!
... what
Dan I appreciate your candor, but isn't it best that someone like this be kept out of the casual sex pool?
Great point! Now ladies will know to stay on the lookout for guys at the club sporting hard apple-sized balls!
... what
55
Seriously, though, the red flag to me is that they were already at 3rd base and he wasn't even hard. Uh....
56
@35 ChicagoFan
Scarletteen talks about changing the metaphor from baseball to pizza.
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar…
Scarletteen talks about changing the metaphor from baseball to pizza.
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar…
58
This dude could have easily saved himself and made a joke out of his baseball (that's for you #35, you metawhore). You know an apple a day does keep the doctor away...
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