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Monday, June 8, 2009

News Or Was It Muuuuuurder?

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jun 8, 2009 at 11:42 AM

KUNG-FU cult hero David Carradine may have been killed by a secret society of martial arts assassins, his family's lawyer claims. The New York Post reports Mark Geragos suggested Carradine may have been attempting to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld at the time of his death.

Comments (27) RSS

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Ha ha. They just wanted to give him a brown belt in carotid.

Posted by Ziggity on June 8, 2009 at 11:46 AM

We all need a fantasy to jerk off to I suppose. Were they super sexy lady ninjas?

Posted by ankledeep on June 8, 2009 at 11:50 AM

He was assassinated by the secret group known as "fist and shaft"

Posted by Urgutha Forka on June 8, 2009 at 11:51 AM

Mr Geragos has previously represented Michael Jackson, actress Winona Ryder, wife-killer Scott Peterson and singer Chris Brown.

I think that says it all, really.

Posted by DaveH on June 8, 2009 at 11:51 AM

dan, beelzebubbeleh, of course they say this! it sounds so much better than 'found dead with rope around neck and genitals'. that is SO embarrassing for his family. remember when you told a woman to practice blowjobs on a man and not a banana, because if she choked her family would have a hard time keeping a straight face at her funeral? the family carradine would like not to be blushing with shame at their paterfamilias' service. so they HAVE to say ninjas killed him. if they keep saying it, so goes their denial thinking, it will be true.

Posted by scary tyler moore

on June 8, 2009 at 11:53 AM

Dudes, I was joking about that.

I didn't really think anyone would take that seriously, and now after wending its way around the Internet Tubes, it comes back ...

sigh.

Look, the same as in the upcoming movie World's Greatest Dad (filmed locally), he ... um ... did it to himself.

So he was a perv - he was also a great actor.

Posted by Will in Seattle

on June 8, 2009 at 11:54 AM

Wait, Will, you mean you don't have any relatives who didn't personally know Carradine? You didn't work on any movies with him? He didn't call you up on the phizzone all the time back in '82? When you were running Apple on Cold Sunday right before surviving Air Florida Flight 90 with your brother-in-law Michael Bolton?

Posted by Mr. Poe on June 8, 2009 at 12:00 PM

Oh jeez. First the family is up in arms over the photo that was made public, now they're humping his corpse with this ninja conspiracy. I know grieving can do strange things to people, but...damn.

Posted by Hernandez

on June 8, 2009 at 12:02 PM

Mr. Poe, you win the internet forever.

Posted by Soupytwist

on June 8, 2009 at 12:04 PM

Whoa I can't believe I forgot to replace the didn't. I blame ninjaz.

Posted by Mr. Poe on June 8, 2009 at 12:06 PM

It was probably the same group that assassinated Bruce Lee!

Posted by playswithknives on June 8, 2009 at 12:13 PM

@11: You know Bruce Lee's not really dead don't you? Yeah it's in a book - what he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police infiltrating drugs gangs and The Triads.

Posted by joel on June 8, 2009 at 12:20 PM

Just why did the secret ninjas attack his junk?

Posted by DJSauvage on June 8, 2009 at 12:23 PM

Next up: Chuck Norris.

Posted by Matt Hickey

on June 8, 2009 at 12:26 PM

In other words, he made the hooker dress up like Lucy Liu from Kill Bill and "take him prisoner." Unfortunately, the hooker was not actually skilled in the art of Shibari and enhanced interrogation techniques and everything went to shit. As for the hotel staff: see no evil, hear not evil, speak no evil.

Posted by Reg on June 8, 2009 at 12:28 PM

did you say murder?

Posted by 2minutestomidnight on June 8, 2009 at 12:45 PM

If you think about it, auto-erotic asphyxiation is the perfect cover up accidental death for a ninja assassination. It's odd enough and embarrassing enough that the police will just presume he did it to himself. This just isn't what a ninja assassination looks like.

I bet the coroner didn't even test him for the usual battery of ninja poisons.

Posted by Uriel-238 on June 8, 2009 at 12:49 PM

But were both his hands really bound? That's the important question here. Or at least I think so. Then again, I'd assume a supersecret ninja syndicate would know not to leave his hands bound if they were trying to set it up as masturbation-gone-wrong. I do like the lawyered-up version of 'he was murdered for digging too deep' hypothesis, even if it's too hard to believe.

Then again, I've been fighting the underground ninja clan here in Seattle for some time, and no one believes me. I just hope that when they finally do get me, they have the decency to leave me clothed and positioned in a dignified manner, or make it look like I died desperately beating them off with both fists... Wait, no.

Posted by You you you you on June 8, 2009 at 12:55 PM

@14, with any luck at all...

But then who from the entertainment world would speak at the Republican Convention in 2012?

Posted by rob!

on June 8, 2009 at 1:23 PM

This is not relevant to my interests.

Posted by STJA on June 8, 2009 at 2:03 PM

Greg Rucka invented an assassin who specialized in arranging that sort of scene.

Posted by Amelia on June 8, 2009 at 2:11 PM

go ask mudede. he'll tell ya what this masturbation thing is all about.

Posted by rutabaga pie on June 8, 2009 at 3:48 PM

Hey Dan what's with all the links to The Courier Mail?

I live in Brisbane. I log onto the Stranger to get away from The Courier Mail! Surely this local Murdoch franchise can't be the world's leading authority on David Carradine?

Posted by Aussie Steve on June 8, 2009 at 4:11 PM

@14 you can't kill chuck norris. chuck norris can look at a man's penis and make it wither; chuck norris can take a man into the back of a denny's restaurant and choke him without ever using his hands; chuck norris doesn't auto-asphyxiate himself, auto-asphyxiation chucknorrises itself instead!

Posted by Josh Bomb

on June 8, 2009 at 4:55 PM

that's so fucking crazy that i hope it's true. i mean, there's no way anyone would really suggest that unless they really believe it. i mean....the kid who patented "the dog ate my homework" is laughing at that shit.

Posted by franky on June 8, 2009 at 6:22 PM