I was just listening to Savage Lovecast 129, and I am writing regarding the trans teen who is on "lockdown" for having engaged in sex work and other behaviors. My heart breaks for this kid. Your advice sounds great from an adult perspective, but seemed an excruciating thing to tell a teen in crisis. You called her parent's punishments "aggravating" and told her "a year is not that long....take the long view." As an adult, I completely understand where you are coming from, Dan, but that kid probably didn't hear a word of it. Her pain was palpable through the phone/radio/itunes, whatever; it pierced me.

I ran away (for the final time) at 16. I do not recommend this; however, I did not do so stupidly and without a plan. I asked my best friend's parents if I could move in. I had a very mature, honest, sit-down conversation with them, where I explained why I could no longer live at home, told them I had a job 3 days a week at a pizza parlor and that I would pitch in what I could for groceries. They did not really have the room, nor did they completely agree with me (they are Jehovah's Witnesses, I am SO not) but they opened their hearts and home and displayed the kind compassion that changes a kid's life. I was able to live with them and complete high school.

From there, I rented a house with too many friends, attended junior college, dropped out, went back, fought with my friends, made up, and generally had great life experiences. I now have a career and family, and while I did everything "backwards" (had a kid at 19, married my husband at 23, got a college degree at 31) I do not for a moment regret leaving a home where I was tormented, taught to question myself constantly and forced to become a sneaky, lying person. Do I recommend running away and living under a bridge? No, but that is not the only way to leave home.

I am not transgendered or gay; I am pretty vanilla-straight. However, I feel for these kids. My mom could never accept who I was, she grounded me from the phone and my friends and isolated me from the moment I was 13. She belittled my sister and I constantly, punished us for imagined slights, hit us well into our teens. Because of her fear and distrust, I became sexually active (and promiscuous) long before I believe I would have if my mother hadn't been so incredibly controlling and abusive. I did every drug I could get my hands on; I was a classic head case. She has mental health issues that she still, to this day, refuses to treat consistently. She wasn't religious, I am not gay or transgendered, however our relationship mirrored that of so many of your teen callers in pain.

I cannot agree with your advice to this kid to stay home. Yes, as an adult with two kids, a husband, and a home, I can see where your advice comes from. It is the most financially prudent thing to do. However, a year IS an eternity to a kid in crisis. She may not survive a year, or that year may cause her to sink further and further into depression. (A depression which will then go untreated until she's 30 because once she moves out she won't have health insurance and this country is SO MESSED UP but that's another story.) At 16, 17, 18, you are not emotionally capable of "taking the long view" if you are in crisis. It is not healthy for her to remain in her current environment.

I encourage this kid to ask for help, to find adults who are willing to help. Look into foster care, even "unofficial" foster care in the home of a friend, a counselor, someone. A quick Google search for "gay teen runaway resources" came up with the following links (and many others):

http://www.lifeworksmentoring.org/usefullinks.html
http://www.lambda.org/youth.htm

Your caller sounds like she needs to get away, she regrets her previous choices and needs to get somewhere accepting so she can heal from her choices and experiences, find out who she is and get a healthy start on "real life." I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that she can find someone to save her. My friend's parents changed my life, and someday (when we have a house larger than 800 square feet filled with a family) I intend to offer rooms and foster care for kids in this situation. I wish SO MUCH that I could make that offer right now. I want that girl to know she is not alone and that she is a wonderful human and deserves to live with people who treat her as a person. I want to give her the permission to find an environment where she can live in mental as well as physical health.

Dan, I love you, I've read all your books, I love your column and podcast, and normally I agree with (almost) everything you say. However, I felt that I needed to speak up this time. I believe your advice was good and prudent, but hearing the desperation in that kid's voice—I just don't think you hit the mark this time. This kid needs permission to be herself NOW, not a year from now. I hope, hope, hope that she can find it.

April